I'm really getting tired
Of fighting this battle.
Last night DH and I were sitting on the sofa and he gets a text message...he shows me a picture of a dress we ordered and had delivered to for SGD at BM's house. I noticed it was a group text, so I looked at my phone and saw that I didn't get the same message. I asked to see DH's phone and he readily handed it over. I looked and saw it was a text group consisting of DH, SD and BM. I handed the phone back to him and said firmly "I am not OK with this." He said what he usually says....it's innocent, I didn't make the group, no one means anything by it... I told him again I'm not ok with them playing happy little family. He asked me what I wanted him to do so I said add ME to the group, which he immediately did. I commented on the dress being pretty. Then crickets. No one said anything else in the text group.
I told DH that of SD or BM were in my position that neither of them would be happy with their DH being in a text group like that.
He said he didn't know what to tell them. I said that I would say something then...and he told me he didn't want me to say something I would regret, that that's not who I am.
After that his voice took on an angry tone and he got defensive. He said he did not want to say or do anything that could jeopardize his being able to see the sgks. I told him I didn't want that either, but I also didn't want to be put up on the shelf. He said I wasn't...
I told him I didn't accuse him of anything, that I asked him to add me, and he did. I said having that text group wasn't right,, but that I wasn't saying he said something inappropriate. I tried to drop it and so did he. At that point my head was spinning. I just wanted to think.
We went to bed and spoke normally, but there was no goodnight...
I didn't shed a single tear, which is unusual for me, but it tells me that I am getting stronger. My immediately speaking up tells me that, too.
I don't know what the answer is, but it seems pretty clear he expects me to tolerate what I see as disrespect to me and our marriage.
I suspect SD is the creator of the text group.
I feel like making passive-aggressive social media posts about boundaries, but that won't actually help the situation. SD probably has no idea what boundaries are. SD isn't the only problem of DH expects me to continue along being treated in ways that make me feel less than....not the priority....
Long term, I can't do that.
The amswer is he adds you
The amswer is he adds you every time. Without you having to make a big deal about it. It worked in my case. It's the one good thing that came out of couples' counseling. BM's husband was added too. BM hasn't been inappropriate or abusive since.
I definitely agree
that I should be added every time! I'm pissed that it happened in the 1st place. I don't know how long they've had the group text, but he should have said something to me when it started. I'm trying to keep my composure, but I'm really hurt and angry.
I suspect this may be SD22's way of ratcheting up her antics since she saw a lot of affection with DH and me when she came her her week long stay. If that's the case, then it is what it is, but DH needs to get his shit together or I'm done. I can work through problems, but only if we are on the same team. He can't ride 2 horses with one ass.
I want to yell at him, but that won't help and could make things worse, but I'm running out of patience.
If he automatically adds you
If he automatically adds you every time, SD will stop if her goal is to get him and BM back together. SD can text or facetime her daddy by herself like a big girl, without her mommy there.
I hope that's what he does
If he let's it go on like the 1st time, I can't do that.
I think you should come right
I think you should come right out and tell him that's what you want him to do. And no more facetime with BM for chatty reasons. Or, any reason really. He can facilitate a relationship between himself, his kid(s), and grandkids without having BM be part of it. That's divorce. If they all have to be together, he should get back with BM.
Dup
Dup
I think you can both agree
I think you can both agree that what THEY are doing is inappropriate. The answer is he adds you every time. Since he can't tell them that they are being disrespectful to your marriage, he can SHOW them by adding you every time. The problem is named and the solution is agreed to. We all know that actions speak louder than words. SD can deny with her words all she wants. You know they ring hollow. She knows they ring hollow too. Do you think DH can add you every time this happens? ( is he strong enough to )
I don't know how you put up with it. His walking the tightrope to please everyone. Is he willing to lose your marriage to them? Have you asked him that? It's a scary question but games get old real quick. They are undermining your relationship.
It's definitely hurt our relationship
I haven't asked him about adding me every time, but I think what I said last night made it clear that's what should be done, if SD does it again.
I don't think he sees it as a problem and I can't make him see it. He said "I'm sure neither imof them meant to leave you out"....but I was done talking at that point and didn't even respond. He doesn't want to see it as a problem, so....it is what it is.
I haven't asked if he's willing to lose our marriage to this sort of thing, but of he doesn't put up a fight for me and for us, then it's just a matter of time.
My DS and DIL created a group text between me, his dad and both our spouses. BM isn't married and doesn't currently have a relationship, but there should not be a happy little family group chat going on and if he can't see that, then it's his blindness that will be the undoing of us.
Uh, what?
"neither of them meant to leave you out"????? It's these sort of ignorant, gaslighting comments that would make my head explode. HE knows what they're doing and, I'm sorry, if he's letting this go on even your DH isdn't respecting you or your marriage. He could very calmly tell his spiteful, manifpulative daughter "Notthedoormat" is my wife and she is to be included in everything" "If you exclude her, it hurts me". Or have a heart to heart with the daughter asking why she's doing these sorts of things.
My DH makes stupid excuses for his oldest son when OSS is disrespectful and rude. "He'd give you the shirt off his back" No, no he wouldn't.
It's very suspicious that he's talking/communicating with BM as often as he is. All of this added up would make me feel hurt and angry.
What if you calmly approached the matter with SD? And, no, don't say anything you'd regret. DH is worried he won't be able to see his grandkids? Is the SD holding that over his head?
You feelings are warranted. Don't think for a second you're overreacting. I'd be wondering what other private 'group' anything the 3 of them have.
"I don't think he sees it as
"I don't think he sees it as a problem and I can't make him see it"
That he can't see what is wrong is neither here nor there. All that matters is that it bothers you, it's a problem that's easy to spot and easy to fix. Dammit, fix it, man! All he has to do is ensure you are included in all communication and if he won't even do that ... well ... the future doesn't look bright. You are his WIFE and he should be placing you front and centre!
I can totally relate. 8 years of this.
And DH finally blocked BM. She eventually crossed a line with her texts to him personally, blaming him for their grown @ss children's failings as adults. It has gone on for years. Keep setting those boundaries, you don't have to be rude or overbearing. Just insistent that "this is not ok with me, and I don't think you'd appreciate me doing the same with an ex" Had a situation I blogged about here :https://www.steptalk.org/blog/noway2b1/really-step-dil-and-osd-275616
DH handled it well but.... Had I not spoke up I think he would have either just not acted. Because that's easier. I encourage him any he wants to send a text/group message to please check the recipients, if she's in it to please respond in a new thread. But often he gets caught up in the moment and they are all about putting on the big "family support" via text because it's easy and doesn't take effort . I was in these "family" threads for a few years and it was so eye rolling. Eventually a new one without me got made a few years ago, what a relief.
They tend to revive old threads that have their mom in it. I now have no relationship with any of them, and that's ok.
I don't know
If I would ever be ok with it because it feels like it's secret and done to undermine our relationship. SD22 is very good at baby-voice proclaiming innocence in any and everything. I've not called her or anyone out directly, but last night I was on the verge.
I am mild mannered and rather reserved, but only up to a point. And when I reach that point, its like a volcanic eruption and I don't like myself when that happens.
I have tried very hard to build a relationship with SD and even BM, but boundaries have been crossed and I know my tolerance level. It's reaching max quickly.
I need my husband to put people in check. If he doesn't, our relationship will continue to suffer for his lack of testicular fortitude.
She might
Be being malicious, or just selfish and tone deaf? Still sees them as a family. Would dh just leave the group everytime until she stops creating them and messages him 1 to 1?
I really don't think so
He would see that as being rude and something that could get his sgk access revoked.
DH and BM divorced many, many years ago...like before she was 5, and she's 22 now...I think it's a combo of everything you mentioned, based on her past behavior, too.
I have tried to give her grace and kindness, as my parents were also divorced and I get how she may be feeling, but I can't excuse DH's behavior, too. And honestly SD is old enough to know better and do better, too. And BM should also have said it was inappropriate, but she has made inappropriate comments herself before, so I honestly don't expect them to act like they have an ounce of decency or common sense.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm over reacting, but I don't feel like I am.
This!
Exactly what you said, all day, every day!!!
I wish it was something I could pound into him, but I can't.
In one form or another this has been going on for a while and sometimes I win a battle here or there, but clearly I'm in a war with no allies.
I realized when I didn't cry last night that I'm actually losing some love for him. Maybe that's a good thing, in the long run.
Oh yeah....they "don't want
Oh yeah....they "don't want to hurt anyone" but they sure as hell have no problem hurting their current partner's feelings.
This is such a common theme here, it really astounds me how many gutless men are out there.
and... how many SParents put up with their idiot spouses who
pull this crap.
No reason for a group text with BM
And he knows that. That why you were not included in it. At SD age there is no reason for BM FaceTime. Or BM anything, that is divorced. He is in a new relationship, the old one has ended.
That's exactly why I told him
I'm not OK with it. I am sure he knew at least on some level that I wouldn't be ok with it and there are few people out there that would be ok with their spouse being in a text group with their ex and adult kid for any effing reason. It's pointless except to cause a problem.
I have let the face time slide because I'm in the group and the reason behind it is so DH can see/talk to sgks. Doesn't mean I like it, but I will tolerate it as long as it remains appropriate because if roles were reversed, I would expect the same and that's my yardstick for judging every situation I find myself in.
But my patience is thinner than it's ever been, and I consider myself a very patient person. That doesn't mean I don't have limits.
I walked out of 2 previous marriages because I wouldn't tolerate bullshit and I'm strong enough to do it again if I need to.
It's awful for things like this to happen just when you think things are getting better and smoothing out.
Despite bumps in the road with SD's visit, I felt so very reassured with things DH said and did in the presence of SD to make it clear who and what I am to him, then she pulls this shit. And he didn't mention it to me, probably thinking I wouldn't notice or it wasn't worth mentioning because I'd only get upset. Yes, I got upset, but I didn't explode.
I think he saw a difference in how I handled this one, without the hurt in my voice and completely to the point, telling him no, this won't fly. Hopefully he understands when I get to this point he needs to take it seriously because I'm tired of it.
I'm just chiming in to add
I'm just chiming in to add support. Your DH's angry, defensive tone tells you he knows full well the intent was to exclude you (as if that's not obvious from the fact that you were NOT included!) No, I would not be ok with this. My DH finally blocked BM last year on both his phone and email after she kept texting him to ask for $ for SSs. DH told her that SSs are adults and should contact him directly to discuss any requests. After a couple decades of her BS, I was so glad DH shut that down!
You're exactly right
He knew full well because the man isn't an idiot. He just doesn't want to rock the boat. Well, the boat has been through more turbulent waters than he realizes
If one has to remind or beg their mate to put them first....
they are not married to a quality mate.
It is simple. Regardless of any history or baggage that mate may curse their new spouse with, if a SParent has accepted a mate not of sufficient quality to priorize the SParent and their marriage above all else, flush the mate of poor quality and never again settle for less than.
As someone who chose poorly, in my first marriage, and as someone who is capable of learning from my own experiences, I will never again abandon the person I enjoy being, nor will I tolerate anyone who does not earn my love and loyalty every single day as I earn theirs.
No one should tolerate a mate who is less than or treats us as less than. Do not tolerate a gaslighting POS to make a life with. We owe ourselves that commitment and we owe enforcing clear expecations regarding what we required from a mate of quality. That example is important for us to live, not only for ourselves, also for any children in our lives whether they are our BKs or Skids. Even if that means providing those kids ofrGKs clarity that the parent we married is a failed adult and parent who has raised failed adults and parents.
My most ardent wish is that STalkers can learn from their own experiences, and more importantly, the experiences of others. A lost cause is a lost cause. Calling an end to a relationship with an unworthy spouse and taking a do over on that part of life is no failure. The failures of a mate to prioritize our marriage, is not our failure. Tolerating the continued presence of an unworthy mate, is our failure.
IMHO of course.
You are 100% correct
I agree with you. No one should ever have to ask for or remind their spouse of the love and loyalty that is due to them as their life partner providing the same.
I had a good long chat with a relative that is the closest thing I have to a mother since mine passed over 12 years ago and she helped me think through what I will say/do.
I put the most recent infraction to bed when I asked DH to add me to the text group. He did it without question, but the situation should not have happened to begin with. If or when the next even rolls around I am telling DH its time for adults to use their words and say something. If he doesn't, I will and I don't care who I piss off. I've been pissed off and pissed on enough, so someone else can see what it feels like for a change.
If DH chooses to pander to SD, Gks, BM or whomever else, I don't have to continue to suck it up and hope he comes around and realizes he's been a horse's ass.
I've got a daughter and I've told her to never settle for less than she deserves and I've set that example in the past and I will continue to do that.
This started almost 3 years ago and since that time I've been trying to find my footing and see what direction it's going in, hoping things would settle down and some type of normal would come back. Instead it's been a nauseating ride with loop after loop. And as dedicated as I am, I didn't sign up for this. I do not play second fiddle to grown ass kids, their kids or the exwife and that's exactly the position I've been in.
I will be focusing on myself and my own well-being and my kids. An exit strategy is formulating in my mind so I can be prepared for when and if needed. I've walked away before and I can do it again.
He had to add you to the text
You made it a hill to die on. If he wanted you in the text he would of added you befor the blowup. YES. You are right, no one want a group text with BM in it. He want to play BIG "HAPPY FAMILY". And you are not part of this Happy Family. His happy family got blown up at the divorce. You don't get divorced, then play with the ex, He must make up his mind on who his loyalties are with. YOU, cutting off the ex. Or the ex getting another divorce with you,
I would not stand for this. Unfortunately SD is stabbed you in the back and must be taken care of. As total disengagement No comming over, No cooking for her ect. He can see SD on the outside. With the knowledge that if BM gets involved he's out
I definitely feel betrayed
And that he has been disloyal and disrespectful to me and our relationship. I don't feel like my feelings are safe with him. He had to have know that I would not like this. I'm not usually one to explode or blow up, but I can and I can make myself clear on where I stand. I did that when I told him I wasn't ok with the group text. It's not because I'm jealous, but it's because of my principles and it's unseemly.
I understand he feels a need to placate BM and SD to have access to his grands, but at what cost? There has to be a cut off point. I'm not unreasonable and I'm not asking for too much in limited contact with BM. I have contact with my kids BD when needed, even though we have adult kids. But that contact is very limited and appropriate to the context of the situation. I don't try to do the big happy family garbage because he's married and I respect his wife and their relationship.
I don't know what the future looks like, so for now I'm cautiously taking it day by day. I'm no longer asking for date nights, a vacation or anything like that that I've asked for in the past (and haven't gotten, except for dinners out sometimes). I am not playing social director. I'm just going to live my life and see what he does, but I'm not expecting anything except more of the same. And maybe my lack of expectation will help me heal and keep me moving forward to a happier life.
I would've been gone long ago
I would've been gone long ago. He wants his cake and eat it, too. It's disloyal and it's not going to change.
A very easy option
... if it's just this communication issue (which is not on at all, btw) is to have access to his phone. Then join the group chat, add a comment with your name in brackets, and just watch that group chat die on the vine. BM and SD will panic when they realise your eyes see all. Comment on their Facebook post under his name too.
however, I 100% support Rags' comments on the primary importance of your relationship. That, more than anything, got DH and I through some interesting times. He always made sure I was considered in everything.
Exactly right. DH needs to pull his head out and grow some balls
You have clarity. Make sure you keep your foot up DH's ass so he maintains clarity. Though having to do it at all, makes DH's presence in your life a suspect decision.
I don't know what the answer is, but it seems pretty clear he expects me to tolerate what I see as disrespect to me and our marriage.
I can work through problems, but only if we are on the same team. He can't ride 2 horses with one ass.
Take care of yourself and make sure that DH has his nose rubbed in his stanky failed family love fest every second. For as long as you choose to tolerate his presence in your life. And keep his nose raw from that rubbing even after you boot his ball-less ass. People will ask. They always do. Make sure you let them know the why and highlight DH's crap.
I would. My XW had to deal with her BFF, and everyone else she knew knowing about her being knocked up by geriatric Fortune 500 excutive sugar/baby daddy with a cheat spawn. She let me know how much that pissed her off. My give a shit by then was zero regarding what anyone thought of her or how she felt about them knowing. My conscience was clear. Her anger was over people knowing. She never expressed that she regretted her choices. She lost that pregnancy, then called me shortly after our divorce was final to let me know she was knocked up again and asking me what she should do about it. She was pregnant in the court room for the final divorce hearing. Her second cheat pregnancy in our marriage. It was not her last. Granpa Sugar/Baby daddy married her after their second out of wedlock spawn was whelped. He divorced her when she got knocked up by a BF.
It is peculiar how idiots like this are upset that people know the depth of their characterless bullshit. The bullshit they ply does not bother them. Having their asses bared does.