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Huge slap in my face by SD

abenny's picture

My husband and I had our first counseling meeting today with our evangelist today, his wife and our best friend who's been with us through it all to talk about hurts from the past. We started it out with a prayer and my husband began to share his feelings while I sat quietly listening. According to him, my SD told him that I have hurt her so bad in the past that at some point in time, while my husband was overseas, she claims that I pushed her on the bathtub floor, pinned her to the ground and hit her (or something to that extent). Then he went on to say that his daughter and mom (my mother in law lives with us now) got together and said that this is how I am: I am great at entertaining, receiving people in my house and such, however, I invite people to live with me and then I reject them and tell them I no longer want them living there. I couldn't believe my ears. 

Yes, my SD's and I relationship was rocky, but boy, pushing her into the bathtub and pinning her down while my husband was out of the country??? Geez, I couldn't have done that even if I wanted to! I used to tickle her when she was a younger child, and as she grew that girl was so strong that when I tickled her she would use her arms and legs to either push me away or to try to tickle me back and boy, was she strong! Yes, I'm temperamental, but seriously, pushing her to the ground and pinning her in the bathtub floor? I'm still in disbelief on what I heard. Then my husband follows his comment by saying that now he's in a though situation because he wants to believe on what his daughter is saying (meaning I'm just the worst and physically abusive to his daughter) or he would have to believe in me, which would mean his precious daughter was lying. Now talk about being in a tough situation. 

Then, the comment his daughter and mother made about me inviting them to come and live with me then I rejected them. First, I never invited my SD to come and live with us. We couldn't do that! By the divorce decree and court orders, my husband and I could never influence his daughter to do anything. She decided to live with us when we learned on Halloween day (Oct 31st of 2010) that she was cutting herself because her mom was using her to hurt us (we had just had a baby that summer and our family couldn't be happier). Then we called her sister who lives in CA to let my husband's daughter talk with her sister. The sister then went on to tell SD that their mom was dangerous. When sister was pregnant at 17 y.o., mom tried to deem her an unfit parent so mom could take the child away from her so she could collect child support from the child's dad. Sister also went on to tell that mom locked her on a mental hospital for 5 days without visitation when sister grabbed a butter knife to tell her mom to stay away from her, and sister begged her to let my husband and I take care of her. That's how SD decided to live with us and the custody battle began right after. I didnt' wanted any of it to happen, we just needed my husband's ex-wife to be gone for good. 

Then with my mother in law is another story. She never planned for retirement, never saved any money, never asked her husband at that time to plan for life insurance and he died and left her clean, empty, no money, nada, nothing. Her only solution was to live with us because she only gets $1800 of SS per month and has no money and she spends like there's no tomorrow. Her other adult kids could not have her living with them because of finances and space, so my husband and I got the short end of the stick. I never wanted her to live with me; but I didn't have a choice. I wanted to set boundaries from the beginning so there would be no surprises, but my husband prohibited me to do so. He wanted his mom to feel loved, wanted, accepted, and I have to pay the price. 

Lies, lies, lies. And the worst is because I can't have any reactions about it. I can't stand looking at his mom. His mom, whatever happens between us she goes straight to him to tell him and keeps on putting him in the middle of us. I asked her to leave him alone because he doesn't want to be put in the middle of two women he loves; his mom and his wife. But she's constantly in the middle. 

Now my husband wants me, after my SD told me she hates me more than anything in this world, and she doesn't want anything to do with me, that I contact her and surprise her asking her to spend time with our son. I couldn't believe and neither could the counselors believe at my husband's request. 

Any advices??? 

Monkeysee's picture

Advice. Seek out a divorce attorney, or set yourself up so you’re in a position to do so, and get yourself away from these crazies. 

Your DH has been keeping it in for all these years that he thinks you physically abused his daughter? First of all, what kind of parent stays with someone who they thinks is abusing their child? Secondly, why is this only coming out now? Thirdly, if he believes stories like that against you, I don’t see how you get back to ever having a healthy, loving relationship again.

The MIL is his problem, not yours. I know it’s not easy to leave, but why put yourself & your son through all this stress? You’re fighting a losing battle. I’d get out & as quickly as possible. 

thisgirlrighthere's picture

If he's believing these stories made up about you, keeps it to himself for a long time and you don't have the opportunity to defend yourself because you have no idea these tall tales are being said about you, you have a DH problem... 

notarelative's picture

first counseling meeting today with our evangelist today, his wife and our best friend who's been with us through it all

This is not counseling. This is a pile on abenny session. None of these people is a qualified marital counselor.

Whose idea was it to bring the friend to the session? I don't see a  qualified counselor wanting a third and fourth person (counselor's wife and friend) at an intake session. Marriage is between two people. Friends and counselor's wife should not be included.

MIL has income. And while it is not much, many other people live on their own on the same amount. She qualifies for income limited senior housing (where she'd pay 30% of her income for rent). Senior housing usually also has a noon meal at a small price ($3 here). She doesn't need to be living with you.

abenny's picture

wow guys! I joined the forum with the hopes to hear about advices on dynamics and situations. The meeting we had yesterday was a let’s sit down and get some initial guidance to see where we go from here. Our evangelist and best friend are definitely not qualified to help us, and they listened to us and will stand by our side during the process we’re about to start as we seek and hire a professional Christian counselor. Some of you don’t even know all it was talked about on the session and are already casting on judgement on the people who are guiding us to try to get dynamics, hurts and communication dealt with. I honestly didn’t know divorce was the answer to fix problems. 

susanm's picture

You told us that your husband could not decide whether to believe if you assaulted his daughter in a bathtub and the people you consulted did not tell him he was out of his mind.  So yes.  We are casting judgment on them and their qualifications.  And your description of how miserable your husband, SD, and MIL are making you would lead anyone to question why you are still sticking around.

Lndsy747's picture

Usually I agree that people talk about divorce way too quickly here but in your case I actually agree. I can't believe your husband thought you abused his daughter and didn't say anything about it for years. That's so disgusting! That makes him a horrible father for hearing about it and ignoring it and a horrible suppose to blindly believe that you'd do something like that. There is no way I would have made it through that session I would have walked out at that point and been done. My blood is boiling just thinking about it.

MurphysLaw's picture

Sorry abenny, you won’t find a whole lot of SMs on this forum encouraging you to eat the sh!t your husband, stepdaughter and mother-in-law are serving you.

You may want to check out the forum CultOfMoms too, it’s a more skid-centric mind set as well.

Look, the women on this site …well, We’re VETERANS of the wars in Stepland. We’ve seen it all, we’ve heard it all, WE’VE LIVED IT ALL. You don’t get Awarded a Purple Heart in these wars, you get your heart ripped out through your ass, stomped on, spit on, ripped to pieces and thrown back in your face, for your service in Stepland.

 You have come for advice, well here it is…

You married a man with A TON of baggage, he had bred with trash, your stepkids are trash, it sounds as though your husband’s family is trash (MIL).

 You have been lied on by his family, and he QUESTIONS YOU?! After HOW MANY YEARS of marriage?!

 I advise you to seek a good licensed therapist to deal with your sense of low self esteem, depression & codependency. Once you are thinking clearly you will then see WHY these women have suggested DIVORCE.

Keep your powder dry, you’re just starting to realizing that you’ve been sleeping with the enemy.

susanm's picture

Heart ripped out through your ass.  Without benefit of anesthesia.  Yup, sounds about right.  

Etta's picture

I couldn't agree more.  When you're inside it's hard to see, you think you can fix it somehow...but you're the outsider.  You will always be the problem,  liar, abuser...etc.

Monkeysee's picture

Allegations of abuse are serious, hence why you’re getting intense reactions. Your previous posts outlined toxic behaviour from your SD & DH, and now it’s come out that you’ve been accused of abusing his daughter when she was a minor & he said nothing. 

As I said before, what kind of parent does nothing when they think their child is being abused? What kind of partner gaslights & shuts out their partner because their daughter ‘hates’ his wife. What kind of partner allows his mother to move in & talk badly about his wife?

Youre getting serious reactions because you’re in an abusive situation. None of what you’ve described is healthy, and your partner is going to have to do a complete overhaul of how he treats you & the boundaries he establishes with his blood relatives if there is any hope of this ever being a healthy relationship. 

Implementing those boundaries will hurt him, because his mother & kid won’t like it, which means it’s highly likely for him to revert to past behaviour when the going gets tough. You’ve been in this relationship a long time, old habits are hard to break. 

You want to try to make it work & I can understand that, but I think you need to work on your self esteem just as much as you work on this marriage. None of what you’ve described is healthy or normal. My guess is you forget what healthy & normal look like at this point & could use a stronger self esteem regardless of the outcome of your counselling sessions. 

And yes, you absolutely need to hire professionals to help with this, I’m glad to see that’s the plan moving forward. 

sammigirl's picture

Why do our DH's think we should "ask these skids to join?  Why do our DH's expect us to take this horrific mental abuse, and be the person to make peace?  Why do Our DH's expect us to forget and forgive, act like we love these ignorant, disrespectful,  adults, who hate us, because we are making their father a happy husband?"

The only answer I have.  DH's don't get it.  I do know they would never allow the same treatment to themselves or their children, from us.  I am over it.  I am eternally mad at my DH.  I am totally disengaged from my SD58.   I see her only when she visits DH, WHICH IS NOT OFTEN.  She gets nothing from me.  I am a happy person without her in my life.  NEVER will I make peace again after 30+ years of trying.  I won't even waste my time with any of it.  

My DH hates what he and she did to me.  But it is what it is.  I won't go back for more.  They have proven time and time again, they have not changed their game and will never change.

I move forward without it.  It is a different marriage, but without my SD involved, which has made it better in some ways.  

 

 

thisgirlrighthere's picture

Heads would ROLL if you treated your stepchildren the same way they treat you. However, because they are your partners children , they can do no wrong and any abuse you receive from them , you need to just continually "get over it". If these stepchildren were just a coworker or someone you know, would your partner want ANYTHING to do with this person if they treated them that way? Likely not if they have any sense of self respect.

disrestep's picture

Advice:  Tell your husband if he wants to do anything with his hateful daughter to ask her himself and to leave you out of it. Explain to him you don't invite people who informed you they hate you anywhere, especially your own home. His daughter = his problem.

Stop sticking up for your husband and start sticking up for yourself. 

If your husband prohibited you from setting boundaries in your own home, something is definitely not right.

See a licensed marriage therapist and not a clergyman and his wife. I doubt these people are licensed, experienced marriage counselors.

best of luck to you.

 

Harry's picture

Someone who went go school for it has there Phd.  Not someone who has other motive. Unfortunately God. can not help.  If a God was helping up to this point, you would not be needing counseling.  If your DH is believed his DD you have no place to go in this marriage.  It’s over. 

Aniki's picture

Your 'D'H has believed for YEARS that you abused his daughter and never said anything?? What kind of man (half) believes an abuse accusation and stays married to the supposed abuser???

It sounds like your husband needs you around for some reason. Financial contribution, skidsitter. MIL companion...

Frankly, I could not be in a relationship with someone who thought it was possible that I ABUSED A CHILD.

You don't have to get divorced. Stay married, continue to seek unqualified advice from the church 'gang', and be miserable. 

shamds's picture

Anytime a skid actually makes a false allegation that you know is them stating an intention they are very capable of making a report to the police, thats it for me.!! She made a threat to you because she is manipulating all these idiots but only you see it..

i have 2 toddlers, if any skid made a threat/allegation like that i would tell hubby they can’t live at our home, because i will not risk them making a false allegation where cops can arrest me because if that would happen, i’d divorce hubby, because he put me in that unsafe situation despite all the warnings and signs being there, he allowed and enabled this behaviour to continue

in the off chance you still want to stay married and prove its bullshit, you need nanny cams throughout the house, don’t tell anyone. Keep a journal of dates times of what you did. Even a personal camera you can hide on yourself. Then when another counselling session comes up, have your evidence to back you up. Ask sd or have your partner ask her in front of everyone if you did anything to her this past week or fortnight. When she claims you slammed her on the ground at this time in this room, calmly say “hang on a minute” get your book, come to where they are and say actually i was busy doing this, let me check the nanny cam footage which will prove your daughter was in her room at that time. 

Oh the shock on their faces, then calmly face hubby and state, you are not being put in this situation ever again where you are alone with her, where she will make false allegations like this. Or option 2, face hubby and say sarcastically “thankyou for putting me in harms way, in a situation where i could have been arrested because your daughter was pure evil and vengeful she had to lie and didn’t care that my whole life would be ruined if i was wrongfully convicted..... i want a divorce.... live life with that evil daughter of yours... i hope karma finds its way to both of you and walk away...

Op i’m not sure if you have kids living with you but this situation would terrify but i would be smart enough to nanny cam the shit out of my house... when things started getting uncomfortable with skids, when i saw the minor/subtle signs they had alterior motives and did stuff behind hubbys back but in front of me or in my view, i cut off contact. Made it clear that I wouldn’t attend any visits/outings with them as i was uncomfortable and didn’t trust them. 

So far they haven’t come to our house and i doubt they will want to as too lazy so for now i am comforted in my safe place. You on the other hand aren’t...

i can just imagine the anger hubby would have at his kids with ex if they made those allegations, he knows its absolute nonsense without the nanny cam footage but if its there black and white, hubby would cut them off from his life and tell them to never contact him again until they apologised to all of us and even then, they wouldn’t be welcome in our home. Thats the way it should be but sadly often isn’t

WarMachine13's picture

Your jerk husband believes you hurt his kid???? Hell, I woulda divorced you if I thought it was true. Agree with Aniki... he using you for something. You wanna stay married be ready for more lies about what you "did".

STaround's picture

My first question is that when your DH's Mother made this comment about your not welcoming people did HE say, she did not invite anyone.  I really think that a lot of times, step (and Inlaw problems) are brought on by men not being up frong and honest. 

I cannot tell how hold the SD is, and I do believe that parents have an obligation with respect to minor children, but for him to dump his kid on OP while he goes overseas?  I respect him and appreciate his service, but this is a terrible situation.  

At this point, her DH needs to say

 

1.  I was not there. That was my bad.  I dont beleive that OP hit the kid, but I am willing to look for solutions as to discrepancy, including nanny cams.

2.  Mom, OP is my wife,  You are getting between us.  You need to immediately put your name on the list for senior housing, and in the mean time, pay us rent.  You are free to move in with any other siblings.  And DH can save the rent money to help his mom move out. 

WarMachine13's picture

SD is 22

STaround's picture

He needs to work on exit plan STAT.  He should have been working on SD being independent for years, but he needs to step it up

sandye21's picture

I adopted two older children who had BIG issues.  They accused me of all sorts of things I didn't do.  I collected written proof that they had lied such as physical examinations by doctors, Child Protective Services and a police officers who finally turned the case in as 'Parental Abuse' in at least two separate cases.  You need to get your ducks in a row.  I like the idea of documenting and nanny-cams.  If you don't do this it could really be bad for you.  Luckily I had documentation to prove I had done nothing.  But I am very fortunate.  A couple in California was accused of sexually assaulting their children.  They were in prison for years before the children came forth to proclaim they were innocent. 

This is a very threatening situation for you.  You may not like the idea of divorce but you really need to protect yourself.  Quite frankly, I wouldn't stay with a man who accused me of physically abusing his kids.

Also, it is obvious you are seeing unqualified counselors.  Go to someone else who IS qualified by yourself who will help you to gain enough self-confidence that you start taking up for yourself.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

What happens in the second session? You said the first session was to "talk about hurts from the past." From what you said, only DH got to talk about his hurts. Do you get a chance to talk about yours? Why do you have to talk to these people from church before you start marriage counseling?

If you really want to save your marriage, why not just go to a qualified and licensed marriage therapist who has no affilitation to your church?

marblefawn's picture

Forget the divorce talkers. They always say that.

I'll tell you exactly what a big problem in your marriage is (and probaby your whole life). You wrote this:

I wanted to set boundaries from the beginning so there would be no surprises, but my husband prohibited me to do so.

You just about did the right thing and then your huband prohibited you from doing it. Think about that. YOU were on the right track establishing boundaries from the start. WHY did you let your husband stop you from doing what your gut and head told you to do? In fact, WHY did you allow your husband to "prohibit" anything? That is exactly where this went wrong.

So you, girl, need to search yourself and figure out why you let your husband talk you out of a common sense move that might have preserved your relationship with your mother in law.

What you should have done when he said MIL needed to move in was say, "OK, she can move in, but only if we talk out how we'll all manage sharing a household. If we don't do that, I can't let her move in."

So not only should you have insisted on those boundaries, you should have leveraged her moving in at all to GET those boundaries. You're not a bad person for wanting boundaries that are clear to everyone. You're someone who likes to put the cards on the table to make things run more smoothly. Doing that does not make anyone feel unloved -- it should tell them you love them so much, you don't want petty living hassles to come between you. 

I respect your choice of religion. But why not go to a regular licensed counselor who happens to be a Christian, rather than a Christian who happens to schedule marriage counseling sessions? I have three reasons for suggesting a regular counselor:

I'm guessing if you're evangelical, there's a good chance you've been told your husband is the head of your household and you should obey him. Yea, that's what landed you in this mess. 1. You clearly want to be able to negotiate these major life issues with your husband, but if you're going to a Christian counselor who's saying you may not negotiate you may only obey, well, that's already not working for you. 2. So, you need someone who can tell you how to negotiate with your husband about what's right for your family when your husband doesn't agree. That has nothing to do with religion. Would you go to a counselor to hear a sermon about God? Or have your soul saved? Of course not. Why go to a minister to hear advice on how to manage communication with your husband? 

3. And to be honest, if you've been told your husband's the head of the household, well, maybe he's not up for the job. The way he handled his mother and daughter moving in was pretty stupid and childish. You might be better at it than he is, so how are you going to negotiate that with dogma that dictates it?

Go for an old-fashioned licensed counselor for the heavy lifting, then maybe go to the Christian counselor for the occasion tuneup. I think your marriage needs real repair and soon -- I wouldn't waste time you might not have.

marblefawn's picture

And please don't let the divorce talkers chase you away from this forum. There are many ways to address a problem and if you wait a bit, a lot of good advice (short of divorce!) shows up in these threads!

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

This is why I refuse to be alone with stepdemon so that I cannot be falsely accused of laying a finger on him!

thisgirlrighthere's picture

I've never been alone with my stepchild and they still falsely accused me of verbally abusing them. It wasn't even a misunderstanding on their part, it was just an outright lie to make me look bad. I asked my "husband " if he believed that, because he would have been around at the time this false accusation happened. He reluctantly said he didn't believe it. Stepchild had also accused DH of abusing them, and you know what? I didn't question it for a second...I knew it was a lie. Not because I have to have my husband's back no matter what, but because I know what kind of person my stepchild is and I also put together the facts compared to what stepchild was saying. 

Rags's picture

Alegations of abuse, even unfounded alegations, can ruin your life.  The advice you are receiveing to end this marriage is IMHO a response from people who see the threat and risks to your happiness and even your ability to live your life without this lying shallow and polluted gene pool ruining it.

Take care of you.

thisgirlrighthere's picture

Yup , this. I'd wonder what your stepchild is saying about you on social media without your knowledge. I'd do some detective work if I was the OP. 

ldvilen's picture

“Then he went on to say that his daughter and mom (my mother in law lives with us now) got together and said that this is how I am: I am great at entertaining, receiving people in my house and such, however, I invite people to live with me and then I reject them and tell them I no longer want them living there.”

Both SD and MIL are sick ingratiates.  They want to suck for free on the teat of your household and repay you with false accusations and spreading poor-little-ol’-me stories around the church and neighborhood.  Rather than seeing a counselor, you and your DH should be making arrangements for low-income housing for MIL.  Both MIL and SD should be happy to be out of there, since they appear to think you “lead them on” anyway.  Give ‘em what they want.  Give DH what he wants too.  He can see them anytime he wants, outside of your home and on his own dime.

Meanwhile, you get to do what you want with your free-time, while DH is panning to his family.  Take care of you and yours, and let DH tow the line alone.  Just get them all out of your home.  Make it a home for you and your DH and people who celebrate you and recognize your generosity and gifts.  Neither SD nor MIL need to be or have to be there; you don’t need nor deserve that kind of toxicity in your home.  Just say NO and mean NO.

Like someone said on an earlier post, revisionist history is very common in step-families, and family history can be and usually is twisted and warped by any blood relatives to show SM in the worst possible light and to show the bios in the best.  Without your DH to correct others and back you, the sad thing is, you find yourself being isolated and blamed over and over, through no fault of your own, and others are going to tend to believe the “real” family vs. singular SM.  Choices—either disengage (including getting both SD and MIL out of your household), be prepared to be a floor mat that blood relatives can wipe their feet on any time they feel like it, or leave.

KC is not the stepmother's picture

I think that slap in the face was from your husband, not SD.  He can't decide who to believe? Why is that even a question? 

"Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh."  Genesis 2:24

You don't say how many siblings your husband has but maybe each sibling should put in a few hundred a month toward MIL's support and she should get an apartment.  If somebody talked about me the way your MIL has about you they would not be welcome in my home.

The same for SD, she'd be welcome as a visitor when she learned to act right and not tell lies about her hostess.  Otherwise, she would be kicked to the curb with her grandmom. 

joan mary's picture

Other than the church counseling I have been in your shoes with the SD.  Many years ago SD2 made some pretty terrible acusations against me.  DH had history of ex wife and former girl friend who both had been abusive towards his daughters.  He came predisposed to believing that the next woman in his live would do the same.  After careful thought I went to him (alone and calm) and asked him if he believed that I had done those things to his daughter or not.  He hemmed and hawed and did not want to give an answer.  Like DH of the OP, he did not want to give an aswer.  He wanted to believe both, he wanted to avoid having to make a decision, but then nothing would ever be resolved.  I backed DH into a corner where he had to say yes or no.  I did that on purpose because it is important.  When he said yes he did I then called him out on it.  If he really believed that I did that then he should be divorcing me.  No man worth his salt would sit by and let a woman abuse his child.  It is his JOB and DUTY to protect his child.  I never said that I wanted a divorce - I said that it was his responsibility to his child.  He was now in the position of living up to his own morals or actually looking at the information and deciding which party was more likely to be lying.  He tried to back out of it, I insisted that if he if believed that I would do that to his child, that I was that evil and mean spirited then he did not know me at all and I would not live in a house where I was constantly at risk of being falsly accused.  He still tried to back out of his statement without saying he knew his daughter was lying.  I pulled the last card of the deck and tossed it at him.  I did not want a husband that would look the other way and let someone abuse his child.  Do you?  If he really thinks this is what you are how can he love you?  Can you love someone who thinks you are evil? 

In truth, this issue was about DH and how lost he was his guilt over the past.  DH looked me in the eyes, and I was true and calm and strong.  DH knew the answer but he had to tell me that he did not believe SD2.  He had to tell me that he knew I did not do those things and that I never would.  It was the first step in his understanding of his DD.  We had many more to get to today where we are good.

SD2 is a liar.  She loves to manipulate people.  She lives to triangulate and cause drama.  She will use anyone and everyone.  He still loves her and always will.  I will support him in his love and care for her.  I will NEVER let her be emotionally close to me ever again.  

Being a good christian does not mean that you allow others to abuse you.  

  

sammigirl's picture

They're playing a game at your expense.  This happened to me for years and I was being nice and keeping the peace. 

Well, guess what; "they took my kindness as a weakness" one too many times.  I no longer play the game.  I quit!  Now I am not kind, I do not play their games, and I am totally disengaged.  Their relationships, visits, whatever, are up to them, I do not participate.  It is kept out of our home and out of our marriage.  After 30+ years, it has taken six years to get it under control. 

I set boundaries and goals for myself.  I left all of them out of it.  My marriage survived, but it is under a different umbrella.  It is what it is, but my DH created what he is living with, all because of his DD.  

Make some changes for you, leave them out of it.  Whatever it takes to get your life back.  It is not easy and as long as you are married to this man, these issues are just that....an issue you deal with.  Good Luck.  Stay here for support. 

Hugs!