Moving forward with husband and without SD
So, after my step daughter told me on Friday that she no longer wants anything to do with me and she hates me more than anybody in this world, my husband now is in a very difficult situation. While she talked with me, I only listened to her and ask for her forgiveness for things we went through in the past and told her I loved her. She then told me she wouldn't forgive me and left.
Husband now is in a very difficult situation. Besides everything his daughter went through growing up, dealing with the parents' divorce, dealing with step parents, cutting herself to try to get attention from mom, wanting to commit suicide at some point, us or me not knowing what to say to help get her to snap out of the "suicidal" mode, lack of my experience in dealing with any of these mental health issues, words that were said that could have been worded in a better way from my end, her being raped while in the military last year, trying to commit suicide for real this time, all of this is tormenting her now.
She returned home in December (she is married for 3 years now). She and her husband joined us for Christmas and we had a wonderful holiday season. Everything has been perfect for almost 5 years now since she had moved away from home. Well, until she moved back and brought all of her traumas with her.
Thinking that everything was ok, I kept on pursuing our relationship. Then this past Friday she told me she wouldn't forgive me and cut me off her life. I listened to her and ask for her forgiveness and I told her I loved her. But nothing.
My husband, knowing how I behaved on the meeting withouth saying barely anything and only listening to her, never said a word to me. Not even a "wow, honey. That must have been difficult for you to listen. I am so sorry you are going through this as well." Really, no words from him. I understand his daugher is in a very difficult situation right now, and she needs to process and deal with everything that has happened to her over the years. However, I did the best I could with what I had. It wasn't perfect, but I was present in her life.
Now, and I know maybe I shouldn't have done this, but I looked in my husband's messages and learned that right after our meeting on Friday, my husband, step daughter and grandma met up for lunch. I felt like they were ganging up on me. But nothing was said to me. Then I also learned that my husband told her he was proud of her maturity in dealing with the situations. But then I wonder, dealing how? By cutting people off without actually having an adult conversation? Yes, situations happened and words were said between all of us that were hurtful. But who doesn't say words that hurt others sometimes?
Now, my husband is holding our marriage hostage by sleeping in another room. He also looked at my messages and learned that I was upset because he was so encouraging to his daughter and with me he is rejecting me, not showing any affection, and sleeping in another bedroom. Our evangelist and his wife are on the beginning stages of counseling us, and eventually they will guide us to a professional Christian counselor to help my husband with some of his pain from the past. According to them, my husband is feeling an incredible guilt because his daugthter is where she is today (mentally, psychologically, emotionally), even though it is not 100% his fault that his ex cheated on him.
He told me that he was going to change all of the passwords of all electronic devices to remove temptation of any of us looking in one another's texts and especially the messages we exchange with our counselors or messages he exchange with his daughter. I am confused by all of this because I don't believe in a husband and wife having secrets from each other. Want privacy, be single! I believe that if I don't have anything to hide, so why do I need to add passwords so my husband doesn't have access to my messages? And vice-versa.
Our best friend is advising us that right now, during this delicate situation in our lives, it is good to keep privacy of messages so we can work on healing from all of this. Knowing that my husband has been cheated on once and how much it hurt, I doubt that he would ever cheat on me. It's just about his relationship with his daughter. I don't know and this is just an speculation, but I wonder if he is trying to be as supported as possible of her (even if she is being difficult and wrong for how she perceives some of the situations that happened between us in the past, which I was told that he sees how difficult she has been) if it is because he is afraid that if he says what she should be hearing right now, she would actually fall apart and try to commit suicide once again and he could not live with the idea of his daughter commiting suicide. Does that make sense?
I am confused, upset, I feel like my husband and I are going to start living a secretive lives, which is so not what I envision having after 13 years of marriage. I don't want to consider divorce because of what our son could potentially go through. Divorce is a pretty messed up thing you guys! My parents never divorced and I thank God for that. Blended families are one of the most incredibly difficult things I have ever done in my life.
What do you guys think? Is it ok for him to keep privacy (only God knows for how long) while he heals and seek counseling about his past hurts (ex-wife cheating on him, the divorce, so many ways his ex tried to hurt us for years, and all of what his daughter is going through) and should I give him time to process where his daughter his as well as himself? Or is there anything that I am missing?