You are here

Help! I spoke my mind and they weren't happy!

youngwife123's picture

I'm young. Married a man 20 years older then me. We have our own son and everything was going fine. Then his two adult children moved in with a spouse. They were all strangers to me. Now because I don't see eye to eye with them and because I don't want them in my house anymore, I look like the jerk.
My husband has been more then supportive of me, because he sees how sloppy his daughter is and how his son can't hold a job.
Last night I spilled my heart to them on how I feel I have been treated. I read from a paper. I wasn't even allowed to get through it because once I read how I didn't understand why the 22ss couldn't get or hold a job, immediately he got in my face and said he was holding back from spitting on me and that I don't understand anything about him. I was harsh in my words, and my husband warned me not to say anything because they are leaving in 2 months. I should have held my tongue I guess. I am the type of person that likes to get out my thoughts and make sure everyone is on the same page. They went to their dad asking why I am rude and upset at times. So I thought I would tell them. I am upset, small house, a
22ss has no job, SD is sloppy, (leaves a mess every on everything she touchs)
They believe I only care about myself and they don't care to hear my thoughts or opinions.
I work, clean, and make sure the bills are paid.
I just want advice and understanding. I was wrong to be short with them in the time they lived here, idk. They said they were nothing but nice, which is true to extent, but they missed the point that I didn't want them to be nice. I wanted them to use us to get to the next point in their lives, not pay minimum rent while spending their money on frivolous things. I would rather they had a plan and moved out instead of waiting until their dad pushed them out. They could be nice and courteous, but if you don't have a job and bumming around the house, your efforts to be nice mean nothing to me.
The daughter pays her part and works, but she never asked to bring along her 3 cats and dog into my house. Even my husband didn't like that. Besides the mess she makes, I have no problem. I thought she would have moved out with her new husband much earlier, because why are newly weds living with their dad and step mom? She claims it is because she wants to connect better with her dad and my son, but she is independent and grown in her own eyes. So why can't she connect with him over daddy/daughter dates. They didnt have to stay under the same roof.
Maybe I am selfish in wanting my house back and being short with them. Why oh why did I have to open my mouth? They think I'm an idiot now for sure. I have a hard enough time getting my thoughts out as it is. I'm just lucky my husband sees where I am coming from. He made his son apologize for getting in my face and shouting.

Acratopotes's picture

you are not selfish.... kick those adults out, it's your house not theirs....

I do not care if it's your husbands, you are married thus it makes it yours as well, regardless if your name is on the deed or not.

Now simply tell those bastards, they will be out on this and that date, when the date arrives, dump all their shit on the lawn and change the locks. If you husband says anything, tell him, I will file for divorce and we are over,
then do so and nail his weak ass to the door,

youngwife123's picture

Thanks pirate. (I rent but my husband I are on that lease) I'm far from that aggressive. Maybe that is why I let my husband keep them in the house for so long.
It just sucks to know the man you love so much has kids that hate your guts just for stating your thoughts. I'm not wrong in saying he should get and hold a job. I'm not wrong in wanting her to clean up more. I wondered at her why she hasnt saved any money, but then that was none of my business... I'm sorry, but if you are using my toilet, I kinda wanna know if you are stable enough to leave. My husband wanted me to have a relationship with his kids, how can I? We are practically the same age and they don't respect me enough to get my advice or thoughts on their next actions. I guess according to them, they can have all the opinions they want but I can't say nothing. I didn't mind being a sounding board for the son when he has his problems, but don't get upset at me for stating my thoughts on it.

Acratopotes's picture

pffft stuff the bloody adult skids, as you said... you are basically the same age, through that in their faces...

say this is my life, I have a home, I earn an income, I raise my own kid but I'm not sponging off any parent, now lift your butts and get out..... give the the bitch face while doing it... and if DH dares saying anything, look him in the eye and say.... grow your balls back, these are your children not your mates or did you marry me cause deep down inside you wanted to marry your lazy ass daughter...

go big... today is one off those days where I want to drink rum at 9am

Stepped in what momma's picture

LOL, she called you Pirate!! This hit my funny bone- I vote for a user name change to The Pirate!!

Acratopotes's picture

Mine as well lol - good sense of humor in this one lol..

took me some time to resolve it and then it dawned on me, I change my tag line yesterday lol...

ChiefGrownup's picture

Tell your dh the situation will not last 2 more months. Either the skids are moving out or you are.

I had my nephew and his girlfriend live with me several months when they were 21. My nephew I adore but this girl was a conniving witch and sadly he let her influence him. I found out they had been deceiving me about something and I kicked them out right then and there. My own nephew. Guess what? They figured something out. They managed.

I would also like to happily report that my nephew eventually got the wisdom and maturity to leave her. But it was long after I kicked them out. He had many misadventures with her until I believe it finally dawned on him that this is not who he is. The moral of the story is that your dh is enabling these skids to prolong their adolescence. The sooner they are kicked out the sooner they will grow up.

ChiefGrownup's picture

I just want to make it very clear I did not give them 30 days notice or 2 weeks or any notice at all.

I told my nephew I found out about the lie. We had a very good talk. No ugly words or raised voices. In fact, he hugged me at the end said "I love you, Aunt CGU." He was ashamed of himself for the bad behavior.

That was about 8 or 9 at night. He had to surrender his key to me that very moment. I told him they would have to be out first thing in the morning.

And they were.

CLove's picture

I applaud you for standing up and giving them a piece of your thoughts. I too, have tried to have "family round tables", and have read from a list. As the eldest SD grew older, she grew more volatile and I have since disengaged. She is 18 now, and still in high school.

Im sorry that your Skids are so obnoxious, lazy and disrespectful. Letting then know in a clear, calm manner how you felt did nothing for your cause apparently, time to let the "Angry" out. scare them a little. Be smarter (you obviously are smarter) and if DH is truly having your back, discuss with him ahead of time your plan. Let him know that living with his children is pulling you all apart, not bringing you together, and that the game plan you have includes a 2-week notice, and then they cannot complain of no notice. Then be ready to follow through, and get the keys back, and wave goodbye good luck. And if that doesn't work, well you read the other advice - since you are renting, find your own place, and do not support their lazy selves anymore.

youngwife123's picture

Oh thank you!!! I feel much better reading that. I'm gonna let them stay on the 2 months though, I'm just not gonna talk to them, if they wanna leave earlier, that is fine with me. But since my husband is behind me all the way ill respect him enough to let them have the time we originally agreed on. But it feels good to know that i wasn't being an imbecile trying to just voice my thoughts. I know that if someone ever came to me with a paper of thoughts and put time into it i would listen to them entirely and calmly go through each issue they have. It just shows the immaturity and lack of life skills they have, and I hope in the future they will see that, but their BM was a junkie and a terrible mother. That is why I felt sorry for them. Not anymore and having support on this forum definitely is making me feel so much better. Through tears I write this because it's been hard and it is nice to know im not alone.

CLove's picture

Young - I too felt so alone, and my anger was at times explosive (SO has my back but not 100% - you can see on my blogs what I went through) and I too felt all alone, every day, spending way too much time thinking about things, trying to "fix" things. Everyone else was fine! Well, except for one or two times that SO had a meltdown.

Upshot is, that yes, you can disengage, and you will be much happier. Do a search on "disengaging from stepchildren" and you will have several "aha" moments. Such as (for me) learning that you cannot care more than the parents. You cannot try to "fix" them (they are too old anyways, too beyond fixing at this point).

I think you are at the point where if you tell DH that from now on, HE will need to step up to the plate, and clean up after his dear darlings, that will bring you peace of mind. And knowing there is a definite time limit will help. But you still have aright to be respected in your home - do not forget that!!!!

Part of stepmother manifesto.

still learning's picture

22 and can't hold a job or "won't" hold a job, there's a huge difference. If ss22 didn't have daddy to fall back on what on earth would he do? Work, *gasp* show up on time, do labor that he doesn't like but make money to pay the bills anyway? It's ridiculous how enabled this generation is. I never had the option of moving back in w/my parents, when I was 18 it was all on me. No one I knew would have dreamed of moving back in with their parents. I worked my ass off doing a job I did not love and had to live in an apt w/roommates. When it's all on you you'll find a way.