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Please give some feed back or advise!!!!!!!!

crystalyzed's picture

My first blog but I have been doing a lot of reading on this site and it has HELPED me feel so much better at times. But now I need to blog-I need advise. I have a 9yo BD(her BF has never been around but she calls my husband daddy and loves him very much) I have a 3yo BS1 and a 1yo BS2, and another baby on the way, all with my husband (this is my first and only marriage).
I have 3 s-kids 10yo SD1, 6yo SD2, and 7yo SS. My s-kids are very rude, very sloppy, have horrible hygeine,know way too much for their age, and have horrible attitudes. Over the years I have dealt with so much from them, they never listen they laugh in my face, roll their eyes at me, stare me down as if they were going to kill me,bump into me on purpose and say whoops with a smile, have even kicked me, talk over me and just treat me like a POS. Also, 10yo SD1 makes a joke out of my BD and my BD doesn't realize that she is really being rude and sarcastic!All 3 of my s-kids are mean to my BS's. When my BS1 was born the s-kids were pinching him and intentionally hurting him when he was just a little baby my husband and I caught them SEVERAL times. Now we watch very closely but they still do things of course on the sneak, but I have caught them yelling at my BS's pointing in their faces, picking them up and plopping them down very hard, they constantly push them away and push them and knock them over. In front of my husband they pretend to be OVERLY sweet to my boys and says things to them that me or my BD say to them. Also in front of my husband they act very nice to me and tell me how pretty I am and smother me with compliments----especially the 10yoSD.
Now my 10yoSD she has gotten better with her behavior just gives me the attitude once in a while and rolls her eyes or says sarcastice insults, but im ok with that I get it- i'm the step mom.My 6yoSD is the devil in disguise but is starting to not be as tough to deal with just a lot of attitude, still jumps around a lot and screams and yells like my SS does.
****So I had a hard enough time dealing with the s-kids on the weekends-I don't want my kids learning any more bad behavior from them---my 3yoBS1 was being kicked and pushed and spit at by the s-kids now my 3yoBS1 does it to my 1yoBS2!!!I am tired of my B-kids getting mistreated----I'm tired of the constant sickness coming to my house week after week the s-kids are sick----they have horrible hygeine thumb sucking nosepicking(and eating it),they don't wipe themselves in the bathroom,get poop and pee on the seat floor and walls, have horrible oders (feet,body and urine and stool)yuk! But they don't like to wash their hands!!!And they have this problem that they touch EVERYTHING they walk past even the walls it drives me nuts-- but worst of all is that that constantly tuch my BS's toys!!They are 1&3 so of course they are going to put the toys in their mouth or their hands in their mouths.My skids also break my B-kids toys rip the books break things around the house and blame it on someone else.
*****So at first I felt bad for these kids thought I can't blame them because it's really not their fault. I treated them extra good and tried to help them out I always was the one cleaning up after them, giving them their baths, teaching them how to wash right, wipe right, wash their hands, and even how to brush their teeth. I always washed ther laundry, gave them medicine when they were sick took care of their neglected infected wounds, burns,ear infections so bad puss was leaking all over out of their ears and they were picking at it and wiping it all over, etc(their BM is a real winner she acts like a selfish high schooler)But I dealt with it, the running through the house the jumping on the furniture the jumping off the beds the screaming and yelling fighting with each other all the time!!I try to correct it over and over again and just hope it will stop!!!!!My B-kids are very loving to each other and sweet to each other and I work very hard at raising my B-kids the right way, and the s-kids come and just corrupt them!!!
******But now I kind of gave up on trying so hard because....... i'm sick of them treating me like a POS
i'm sick of constantly cleaning the bathroom
i'm sick of begging for respect
i'm sick of the yelling and jumping around
i'm sick of the arrogance
i'm sick of the attitude and eye rolling
i'm sick of the fake compliments
i'm sick of constantly having to remind them of the rules when they know them but do things they are not suppossed to as soon as no one is looking.
i'm sick of my BS's having to be kept locked up in the living room so they could be safe away from my skids.
i'm sick of my husband acting like i'm just an over reactor!!!
*****What's worse is now my 7yo SS is now living with us for a few months----BM can't handle him anymore
We have tried to get the kids in the past, but were unsuccessful and their behavior has just gotten more out of control, because skids BM just dumps them anywhere and doesn't care if they don't take a shower or brush their teeth for a week or two or what they eat or even how they act or what they do-it's a "free for all" environment. She only teaches them to lie and be mean to each other.So the BM created these MONSTERS and now is starting to dump them on us starting with the worst one --my SS.
****It's been horrible!!!!!
I try talking to my husband and he basically is like "I have enough to deal with stop complaining" he acts as is if i'm over reacting---he tells me stop watching him(my SS)and I won't notice!!!!!!If I blind folded my self my ss's behavior would still be a problem!!!
***My once peaceful happy home is now miserable, my husband gives me attitude all the time and has been avoiding me, but acting as if he is just busy.He apologizes but does it again any way. I feel like he doesn't want to be with me anymore but doesn't want to go through another divorce and fight over a house money and have to pay more child support. My B-kids are not getting enough attention from me because of having to deal with my ss. Plus I have been impatient with my bkids because i'm so stressed out with all this on my mind. I have no one to talk to no friends, I have been home--which also is making me feel like crap---I have put off my education and my career--i'm an RN was working on my Masters for school nursing but that got put on hold so my husband can pursue his educational goals, and I just finally started back to school this year and here comes ss.
******I'm very unhappy and I am starting to feel like I want a divorse! I was a single mother in the past and my BD and I were fine we have an awesome relationsip and she is a great kid! I got through college as single mom and now I have a career, I think I could do it and be fine.
I love my husband to death and feel like he is my soul mate, but the skids and their BM are horrible and making our lives miserable!!!
I used to be this happy person always smiling had lots of patience never got angry. Now I rarely feel happy, snap easily have no patience. I feel like my skids and their BM have made me into this ugly person that I HATE!!! I hate feeling like this yes I am pregnent but I have been feeling like this even before the pregnancy.
Oh yes my 3yoBS has a sleep disorder and the therapist thinks it is due to trauma.....hhhmmmm evil step siblings. And my husband constantly says he is a brat! Gee maybe because he cant sleep at night so he is cranky through out the day and is constantly getting antagonized by his Step brother, and pushed around and yelled at by his step siblings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
******So some advise please......I don't know if I should leave my husband or not........I just want my kids to be happy, my husband to be happy,and I want to be happy.....does it get better really? I can't deal with this for a life time........if I stay with him and his kids go with their mom he will probably resent me and my kids forever and our relationship will get worse anyway right????I don't know what to do right now I just cry a lot and feel like I want to take my kids and RUN AWAY!!!!!!! PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!


crystalyzed's picture

Thank you so much for the advise. I don't have anyone to really talk to and sometimes I feel like i'm just crazy. Thank you:)

crystalyzed's picture

Thank you so much I have felt so alone lately. It means alot to talk to someone. Yes i'm due in May, it was a surprise and I don't know if it's a girl or a boy. It would be nice to have another girl but I would be just as happy with a boy:):)

emotionaly beat up's picture

I try talking to my husband and he basically is like

"I have enough to deal with stop complaining" he acts as is if i'm over reacting---he tells me stop watching him(my SS)and I won't notice!!!!!!If I blind folded my self my ss's behavior would still be a problem!!!

And this brilliant piece of parenting advice is why these children behave the way they do. Obvioulsy your husband and his former wife were on the same parenting page....look where that got them.

No one can advice you whether to leave or not, you will make that decision in your own time. Think it through, realise your bio kids will then be on access visits to him, and he will take the stop watching approach to parenting then too because he is basically a lazy parent. Will he change, probably not. Does it get better, not unless HE changes his behaviour, sorry. But unless he steps up to the plate and takes an active parenting role and supports you, no this is never going to change. Again, sorry.

crystalyzed's picture

Thanks for the advise, he does help me out with my little ones and since I gave up he has been more or less doing all the things for his kids. But sometimes I do feel like he is a lazy parent but since I brought it to his attention he does help and we are actually the ones that take the skids to all of heir dr appts 6 month dental appts flu shots eye dr glasses and all of that. But he does admit that he was not such a great parent in the past. He also was the one who worked,cooked, cleaned,and and took care of the kids while his xwife sat around all day while he was at work and the kids were at the baby sitters. And she was the one that left him for another man. He was raised by his mom and has 4 sisters and never knew his dad he believes its wrong to leave a woman.......but that sometimes makes me think is that what is happening with us? Thanks for the advise it helps:)

emotionaly beat up's picture

Sorry, I didn't mean lazy parent in the physical sense. Picking up toys, bathing, taking them to doctors appts., is great and I am glad he helps you in these areas (points to him there), but I meant on the discipline side of things, that is the hard part for a lot of men, and that was what I meant when when I said he was lazy parent, ie: telling you to stop watching and you won't see. You have to watch you know you do, and you know how mentally and physically exhausting that is and it was in that regard I felt he was letting you down.

Basically from what you have described above you think he is a good man, and perhaps you should find a way to work this out. I see that he had a very hard time in his first marriage and had to be jack of all trades, as do mums all the time, so I guess this would have made him slip in the area of discipline, he was probably completely exhausted all the time and none of us can do it all.

I think you just need to work out what kind of boundaries you both would feel commfortable with, and if he can support you on that every time an issue comes up with ss then you guys will more than likely be okay. He has you now, and he does not have to do everything alone, if you can support each other on both levels the physcial side of child raising and home running, and the discipling of the kids things should get better,

You don' seem to hate him, I'm thinking you might just be getting exhausted yourself now. Work out what your standards are and what you want, then talk to him. Hopefully you will feel much happier soon. All the best.

crystalyzed's picture

Oh thank you and you are definitely right that he doesn't hold up his disciplinary responsibility with the skids but with my BD and our sons he definiely disciplines them a lot. and that is what bothers me so much. The good kids he is super strict with actually kind of mean, with the skids he plays it as a joke when they are disresectful and he laughs it off. I do love him very muc but his priorities are waaay off!!!!!!

StepX2's picture

You are dealing with more than I could ever handle. Emotionally beat gave some great advice about trying to get on the same page with your husband regarding discipline and what the two of you will agree is acceptable.
When you say your husband is "super strict and actually kind of mean" when he disciplines your children, what exactly does he do?
Personally, until the 2 of you get on the same page, you each should be disciplining your own children right now. You may even want to keep it that way. As far as your shared children, that's a tough one but I wouldn't want him to parent (or lack of)them still.
My first thought after reading your blog was "get out" but someone else made a good point about your kids having visitation with dad and then you are not around to protect your babies because their dad has already proven he won't, at least not from his older, perfect angel, kids.
My goodness...I wish you the best...sounds like you have a very tough road ahead of you. Stay strong for your kids!

crystalyzed's picture

Thank you and yes strict with my 3kids my BD9 he would never dare to spank her or anything like that but he will jump down her throat for silly things like not putting a new roll of tissue on the roll, or if she says what to him he hates it. She is really really good kid very respectful and barely ever forgets to do things and never talks back. Poor kid is afraid to say what anymore because he made her feel like she was such a terrible kid for it. The sad part is that she calls him daddy and loves him so much even when he is an asshole to her. This bothers me so much but at other times he gets along with her really well. Sometimes it feels like he waits for her to make a mistake to jump down her throat, because his kids are always misbehaving and i'm constantly having to talk to them. Like payback to my BD or something. He has given my 3yoBS a spanking a few times VERY hard and he always gets frustrated with my little ones (both ours) easily, my 3yoBS has a sleep disorder and problems---probably from the skids---and is very cranky during the day, my husband is not with him long before he gets angry with him and my 1yoBS. I sometimes feel like he resent my kids because of the drama with his other kids the skids.