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Double Standard

jam's picture

When osd and family come over for a visit they usually stay a couple days. By the time they leave I am worn out, grouchy, and sooo ready for them to be gone.

Osd NEVER makes a bed. Back when she was in college she would come over and many times would bring a friend or two. I would be aggravated that she would show up to a clean room with a nicely made bed and leave a messed up bed for me to take care of. I complained to my dh and he advised her it would be nice to make the bed when she leaves. The next time she came after the conversation with dh, she left a sloppy made bed and had the nerve to call her dad and ask if the way she left the room was up to his expectations. I told dh that her statement/question was a poke at me since he NEVER expected her to pick up after herself or to make the bed. She also learned that I usually wash the sheets anytime someone leaves after a visit (may not be the same day but I do wash them) and so then made that her excuse to NOT make the bed.

Now, osd is married with three kids and she never makes her bed or the beds the kids sleep in, nor does she have the kids pick up all the toys they have scattered all over the play room and out into our living room.

They also bring their big hunting dog with them. I have a dog pen in our back yard that I put my dog in when we leave the house or when we have company, otherwise my dog is inside. Now because their dog is in the pen I either put my dog in our garage or let him run in our yard (which is not fenced).

The last time they came my osd's husband is taking their things from our house to their van & he yells at my dog for being in his way and they leave the house a mess as usual.

Now for the kicker. My dh & I drive 2 hours to go to SGS4's birthday party. I take my 2 year old gs with us. There are a few toys in the living room that other kids have brought out and then my 2 year old gs brings some toys into their living room and osd says that it is fine as long as we put them back before we leave. I totally ignored her statement but found it incredible that she would even remotely say such.

I just wanted to rant. Thanks for listening.

omgsaveme's picture

Don't you just love it ?!?! My DH and his family are the EXACT way, ALL of them. They only notice when its someone OUTSIDE of their family, but in their family they turn a blind eye to it. My decision, I have disengaged 90 percent of the way with one of them, I made the decision here recently, Im disengaging from them ALL. Who has time for that Bullshit ? Not I and not you either. Disengage like she doesn't exist.

Glenda's picture

OMG. I've been trying to do that very thing all day. Kid scatters shit around the home and dad picks it up. He picked up a magazine from the carpet, and I threw it back down. "He needs to get that. This is not a weekend get away from rules" He hasnt made much of a mess out here, because his father gives him a plate, and takes it when the kid is done.

I dont get it. Isnt it easier to leave it on the floor?? or scattered?

Glenda's picture

OMG. I've been trying to do that very thing all day. Kid scatters shit around the home and dad picks it up. He picked up a magazine from the carpet, and I threw it back down. "He needs to get that. This is not a weekend get away from rules" He hasnt made much of a mess out here, because his father gives him a plate, and takes it when the kid is done.

I dont get it. Isnt it easier to leave it on the floor?? It is to his son, so let him get it. I have one who drops and scatters and one whos always picking up. Drives me insane

jam's picture

Yes, dtzyblnd, I left the toys scattered. My thought was "No way in hell are we picking up these toys"!

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Meer - You are so right about how to do this. If the parents won't see it is done, then the OP should take the initiative. It only makes sense that the OP would probably wash the sheets before any one else comes so stripping the bed should be no big thing to the step.

As for the toys....I would tell the kids that they need to pick everything up and put it away before they go, just like you say.

Just because they visit is no reason to leave the OP with more work to do.

winefrenzy's picture

I'm with meerkat. I don't mind being the evil stepmother and the one to say, "here's how you can help me out before you go." It's much less passive-aggressive too.

Glenda's picture

I agree. BUT being the evil stepmother is easier when the father is not around. I tell SS16 to clean up, help me cook, or go out to run errands. Sure I'm ignored the first or second time I ask, but a stern voice and a deep resentment for the child keeps me asking and knocking on his door. That boy has never seen me angry. If any of you have worked in the school system you know it is natural to repeat everything, so I can go all day. It works. After one round, he's done.

Rags's picture

Time to hold them accountable for leaving your space as they found it before they leave following a visit.

If you do not confront this behavior each and every time they do it nothing will change.

Good luck.

jam's picture

All your advise is much appreciated. I think I will kindly ask osd to strip the beds and ask the kids to pick up their toys. I will have to also ask osd to supervise her kids while they do just that.

As for the dog. I have had words with my dh so much that I think how I will handle that is..the next time they come and osd's dh yell's at my dog I will then do somewhat as "catlettce" said and say "although your dog is very sweet this not working. I don't appreciate you yelling at my dog when he gets in your way because YOUR dog is in his pen." This may lead to more words with my dh but as I write this I am ticked about the whole thing.

I have told my dh that I feel like a damn servant while they are here. In the past I have given the kids their baths as they love getting in our jacuzzi bath tub. So that puts me as, cooking, cleaning, bathing the kids, and all just wears me out. The last time they came I decided to handle that differently. They all show up and the sgs's ages 4 & 6 start begging their daddy for a jacuzzi bath. He then says "he is okay with it if grandma Jam is okay with it. My reply was "oh, I don't mind you taking a jacuzzi bath but your daddy will need to give it to you as grandma Jam is very tired". At that point their dad then said to my sgs's "Oh well then you will just have to wait till tomorrow". That statement put me into mind set of "NO WAY AM I GIVING THE SGS'S BATHS". I wouldn't mind if I felt I got any help but I feel more like I am suppose to take care of all their royal butts and I am getting tired of it.

The morning they were to leave my dh came up to me while I was washing the morning breakfast dishes and tells me "why don't you go and give the boys their bath and I will do the dishes for you". I softly told him I would take care of the dishes and he could give the boys their baths. I think that ticked osd's dh off but I did not care. I must say osd was trying to be helpful at that point. She stepped in and said she would do the dishes and I let her.

also, one more thing that gets on my last nerve. Example: They live 2 hours away at most. The last visit they called my dh and told them they had left their home and was on their way. That was at 12 noon. They show up at my house at 5:00. Also, I have been kept in the dark about when they are leaving. I think they are leaving on one day but NOOOO they are leaving the next. I hate not knowing and have told my dh that.

anyway, what I just wanted to thank you all and went right into another rant.

onthefence2's picture

I think you are being too picky about a lot of things. The sheet's less work for you to strip an unmade bed than a fixed bed, so I don't understand why you would be upset about that to begin with. You admit that this girl was not taught these things growing up, but you expect her all of a sudden to get it? You can thank dh for her behavior. My daughter spent the night with a friend and a week later the mom gushed about how she was so sweet and how she folded up all her bedding and left it in a stack when she left. She was 11. And I did not have to tell her to do this. It's about respect for other people, and it's generally taught in my home and falls over into "thinking of others." It's probably too late for this girl to learn.

Also, she is a mom of 3? And she's at your house for a couple of days? I know when my kids were little (only 2 of them) I was always exhausted. They are a lot of work. My mom would work her ass off to give me a break so I could relax for a minute because she knew they would be gone soon and she had all the time in the world to rest then. I know you aren't her mom, but it sounds like you are wanting her to see your side without even considering her own side. Maybe she's too freaking tired to strip all the beds? Or to give a jacuzzi bath? If it's work for you to do these things, isn't it just as much work for her? And why doesn't dh make the rounds and strip the beds when they're gone? All it takes is common sense and people working together and a lot of these problems are avoided.

jam's picture

Its my home. I expect to be respected in my own home and part of showing respect is to pick up after yourself. I resent being treated as some servant and short order cook. I would like the beds made because when they are not I have to wash the sheets as soon as they leave. When they leave it takes me most of the day just to get my home back in order. If the beds where made I could do that chore on another day. A day of cleaning up after them is exhausting for me and just a little appreciating and respect would go a long way. I get to hear from my dh that she has 3 kids. Well, there has always been some sorry excuse before she had ANY kids so I refuse to buy anymore excuses. I resent that I am EXPECTED to cook a big meal for everyone, EXPECTED to clean up after everyone, EXPECTED to bath the kids, EXPECTED to allow their dog in my dogs pen and treated as if it is non of my business when they show up and when they leave. I have been going through the princess sd crap for 10 years so excuse me if I sound picky.

PS: and you are so right. I do thank my dh for her royal arrogance.

Rags's picture

That works for me. I make sure when we visit my parents that we leave our room the way we found it and that we participate in meal preparation, clean up, etc.... My parents insist that their home is our home. With that welcoming perspective comes responsibility for us to treat their home with respect. My parents are not innkeepers there to serve us.

If we use one of their vehicles we fill it up whether it was full when we borrowed it or not. We put the bed linens in the washer as we leave and if there is a spare set of linens for the room we use we make the bed with fresh linens before we leave.

When our kid was young we never, and I do mean never, dumped him on my parents. They often would call to say they were on their way over to get him for the weekend since my brother's three were spending the weekend. That was fine with us but we made it a point not to impose on my mom and dad to watch our kid (my Skid). If we visited mom and dad we also made sure the kid(s) picked up after themselves and put the toys/games/books away. This caused a couple of tense episodes with my SIL as she was one to not hold her kids accountable for their mess back in those days but I my stance was that my parents were not anyones beck and call servants including my brother's wife.

Set the standards of how you and your home (and your dog) will be treated and stick with those standards.

Good for you.

jam's picture

Thanks, you made me laugh. I love potted plants and know that if someone gave me a pot plant I would have no trouble putting on my stupid face Wink

Ruby55's picture

And oh my goodness, if anyone EVER yelled at my dogs they'd be gone! I have two german shepherds and once my stepson had an attitude and got in the dogs face. The dog backed him in against the wall with teeth showing and scared the you know what out of SS. I said "good boy!" And reminded SS that this is the dogs home, not his!

jam's picture

oh ruby55 it did make mad that son-n-law yelled at my dog. My dog is very sweet and would not have even been in his way if they had not brought their dog and put it in my dog's pen. They have to keep their dog locked up or on a leash as he will run off.

Modernworld1011's picture

Let dad clean up. Never touch their messes! Hopefully, he'll tire of the task and put his own foot down. I don't bother to deal with his kids. Their messes are his, end of story. We all get along much better. He can continue to pretend whatever he wishes about them and their true selves, and I don't have to deal with the massive clean up! Problem solved.

happystepmum's picture

I'm sorry but when my husband, myself and our daughter (my sd) stay anywhere - either with friends or family, we pitch in while we're there and leave our room as we found it. I strip the beds, then pop the coverlet over when we leave so that it looks tidy, and clean our bathroom. We either cook for the host family or take them out for a meal, as grateful appreciation to them for opening up their home to us, and sharing it and their time with us.

Your SD and her husband are ungrateful brats - 5 FIVE extra people in a home is a LOT.

Their attitude is disgusting.