Grrrrrrrrrr....Skids!
New here. Short version of a long story. I've been with my husband 8 years, married for 1-1/2. He has 2 kids, M/27 and F/29. They were on their own, or what appeared to be, when we met. He never spoke about financially supporting them. So I figured they were self sufficient. I have always been a hard worker, 1, 2 if not, 3 jobs. Bought my own house 9 years ago and never asked anyone for a dime. Husband moves in with me. His son gets married and has a baby. He doesn't have a pot to pee in. Instead of being happy, I was mad when I found out, cuz I was wondering how are they going to afford a child and I knew they would use the baby as a "tool" to get what they want. SS's wife's parents bought a condo and let them live there. They pay the parents rent....when they can afford to. Her parents just bought them a car and they supposedly pay them each month. SS texts DH and asks for money, $200 yesterday, but $600 the time before that. He always gives it to them. There is always a reason/excuse they need the money. After a while I asked him why he couldn't just tell them "no"? "That's my son" He's a hard worker. WHAT?!?!?! He's NOT a hard worker and has NOT had a full time job since I met my DH!
Now, the SD...... I had a good relationship with my SD before I figured out what type of person she REALLY is. She used to be very heavy. I always tried to tell her she was beautiful inside and out. ( I thought she was) I took time to go walking with her and spend quality time making her feel good about herself. She lost alot of weight and iss now a size 6. Ok. Fine. All of a sudden she is in love with some loser. We don't hear from her, only when she asks for money. She lives in an empty house the BM owns and doesn't pay her one penny. The boyfriend lives there too. (he works 8 hours a WEEK) My SD quit her job and has no health ins. She called at least twice a week asking my DH for money or saying she needed her meds and had no money to pay, or fixing some situation with her car, like letting the registration laps and getting pulled over, stupid irresponsible stuff like that....ALL THE TIME!! I told him I am sick of it, that she is an adult and should start taking responsibility for herself. DH told her that he dislikes her boyfriend and he refuses to help her as long as she is with him because he is not going to give her money so she can support him.
Well come to find out, when she first brought this guy over to our house to meet him, he/they took pain pills that I had in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. I had surgery and couldn't take them. There was ONE left when I went to check it out after hearing from someone that there was a possibility they were doing drugs. .......THEN She stole $50 from my wallet when they came to a function that and I had left my purse with her, not thinking anything of it. (My DH is in denial that she took anything... he said "I didn't raise her like that".....pffft I told him I didn't want her at the house!! I don't trust her and she's violating me in my own house!! how disrespectul!
Well, after counseling, talking, crying, praying and wondering what the hell I have gotten myself into she wants to come over and mend ties!! I don't want anything to do with her!!
I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm losing myself and my self respect, so to speak. I feel like these kids are walking all over me. I thought about telling my DH that he can meet with her alone, because I really don't have any say in anything anyways.
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I continue to be amazed by
I continue to be amazed by the behavior of these people in their late 20's early 30's. I just turned 30 and I have NEVER been this way. Like you Horsefly, I am super independent and try to do everything on my own. I HATE to borrow money so if ever I have to it's a really big deal and quite embarrasing for me to ask as well. I just cannot believe these parents that allow their adult children to depend on them..what's worse, they often LIKE this dependence because it makes them feel important. It's so sickening. NO. You do NOT have to hang out with either of these people, stealing is unacceptable behavior no matter who does it or who it's taken from. He didn't raise her to be that way? Well why would he? Just because he preached to her that stealing is wrong doesn't cancel out the fact that she still did it! That is ludacris...do not let them in your house, I also think you should meet at another location where you are more comfortable.
My BS22 was embarrassed to
My BS22 was embarrassed to ask me for money to fill up his tank yesterday until he got paid tomorrow. I can't even imagine GROWN ASS children asking for these outrageous amounts of money. I'd simply say NO. My BS22 RARELY asks for a dime because I always say NO, but he needed to get to work so I said "oh what the heck, fill up your tank and go get 20.00 from the bank to hold you over till you get paid." But that's about as far as my kindness goes. Seriously, don't even allow these Skids in your home. THE DAMN NERVE!!!
Thanks for the
Thanks for the replies.
"iloveit" I agree! It amazes me as well, the entitlement these kids feel! They feel their father owes them ! BS!! and "crayon" I would also die a thousand deaths before asking to borrow money...from ANYONE!! NEVER!! I'm proud. These kids have no pride. I told my DH that he is not doing them any good by bailing them out ALL THE TIME!! He's making it worse!! The more these kids get what they want from him, the more I lose respect for him. I worked hard for what I have and I'll be damned if my house is going to fall in their laps if I die before my DH. They have never HAD to work for what they want because it was always given to them. I said it would make them better people (I don't know if that's quite possible) but make them work for what they want. They will go to a concert, but have to borrow money for their electric bill. WTF! Obviously, they don't sacrafice either.
One of the games my SD plays is she calls up DH all depressed and crap and then she will hint around that she wants to kill herself!! That card has been played so many times. He's afraid that she will and then he won't be able to deal with the guilt. The last fight we got in, I said "Let her!!! she's one of the laziest, selfish, manipulative people I know and I don't want anything to do with her"!! He says it's her boyfriend making her like that. (Once again, he's in denial) I said, she's an adult and needs to grow the heck up and be held accountable for her actions!
I need somehow to let these kids aware that they can screw with their father all they want, but they are not going to screw with ME!! (I'm still trying to figure out how, but I'm getting stronger.
I don't know if anyone has ever felt that they need to protect themselves against their DH's family because DH doesn't stand up to them!! It's an awful feeling.
"ybarra357" hit the nail on the head with calling them toxic and freeloaders. Perfect description!
I'm glad I found this site. Gives me a place to lighten up the load from my shoulders.
sigh....I'm rambling now.
Thanks for listening.
Ok...maybe too much
Ok...maybe too much coffee....but I forgot to mention the money situation with me and Dh. We don't share any bank accounts at all. I have no idea how much money he has in any accounts or anything. He writes me a check to help with the mortgage every month and covers other expenses. So sometimes I tell myself "well it's not like he's taking money out of OUR account to give money to his kids, it's HIS money.".........but it still bothers me immensely that he gives these kids that much money! and therefore, I kind of doubt myself. If I were to take an educated guess, I would guess, on his daughter alone, last year ,he probably gave her in total $8,000 if not, more.
and patience.
I have tried everything to stop these kids. I told my DH to tell them that I take care of the finances and that they have to ask ME if they want to borrow money. (he didn't like that idea) Then I said that his daughter should directly deposit her check (when she WAS working) into HIS account and then HE would pay her bills for her since she couldn't budget her money! (he didn't like that idea either) I'm running out of ideas.
"unfreakingreal" yes, it is outrageous amount of money that they ask for! ....and they get!
Horsefly...my SO takes SD20
Horsefly...my SO takes SD20 and SD23 clothes shopping like every other weekend. Well ok maybe that's an exaggeration but for the first year I was with him it pretty much was. Then he flew SD20 to London last year TWICE! She gets all these crazy ideas of shit she wants to do and makes a faux plan of action. Then once she reaches said destination the plan magically changes...oh wow isn't that convenient! She paid for her first flight to London, she stayed for a month and then came back to get some stuff and my SO flew her back out there to stay for 3 months. The plan was that she would go to school out there and then be home by summer. But actually what happened was she went out there, spent money, ran out and had to get daddy to send her more and then did not go to school in the summer OR the fall as she promised. Then SO flew her out to CA on New Year's for 3 weeks. Asking SO what her plan was he says, oh she's going back to school this semester. Um no because she didn't get home from CA on time to go back to class so now she's not working AND not going to school! SO is like when are these kids going to be responsible??? Gee I wonder where they would get the idea that they don't HAVE TO BE?!! He's slowly learning that he must stop doing these things for them and he's getting it but...I don't remember a time when I asked my parents to pay for any shit like that...I made my own money and only went on vacation when I could afford it! Unbelievable...I totally get where you're coming from.
Do you think their denial is
Do you think their denial is because they really don't want believe their kids are losers??
Just when I think my DH is "getting it" he'll say something to me like "well, she's my daughter, what am I supposed to do?" It's like sticking knife in me.
"iloveit"- I bet if your SO's daughter had to spend her OWN money on her vacations, her ass would stay home!! Oh, oops, silly me....she doesn't have any of her own money???????!!
I think they lose the value of the dollar when they don't work for it. Unappreciative. sigh......
My SD told my DH she was stopping by (3 days after xmas). The next thing I knew she pulled in the driveway. I didn't have time to leave, because I didn't want to sit and listen to her lies. She came in empty handed, as usual. No card, no nothing. She had her hand out for the xmas gift DH gives his kids every year, $$. He gave it to her and she left! I couldn't believe the selfishness!
I did have enough time to leave a note in the medicine cabinet for her, in case she was looking for more pills. It read: "YOU STOLE ALL MY PILLS. THEY'RE ALL GONE! GO TRY SOMEONE ELSE'S MEDICINE CABINET!" }:)
Ugh I hate unannounced visits
Ugh I hate unannounced visits of any kind especially by people you don't want to see! I just don't get this. It must be because we aren't like this that we don't understand how people can be so selfish?? That's what I'm goin with!
These "kids" who are not kids but adults do not have any money because they know daddy will bail them out every time no matter waht. I actually did call mine out on that the other day. He was like I don't get why they can't get off the teet. Really?? Oh that's because you will give them money and then make a bunch of excuses for them. I see NOTHING wrong with cutting them off so that they learn. At this point it is very necessary and honestly, later in life they will thank you for it because it's the only way they will be independent. My parents pushed me out of the nest a little at a time but I wished they would have done it WAY sooner I would have been on my own and struggling but I NEEDED to work hard to prove that I could do it.
You propose an excellent question though horsefly...do they really think they are good kids or do they know how much they suck and are ashamed to admit that their spawn can't do anything for themselves? It wouldn't surprise me if the shame thing was it...it is after all a reflection on them as dads isn't it? Even if it weren't that is still how they think!
I think the parents know how
I think the parents know how the kids suck, but are ashamed to admit it. In my case, SD (27) recently paid rent (a small amount - first time in over a year) and she sarcasticaly told DH "thank you for allowing me to live here." The stupid !@!@ actually thinks she's entitled to live with daddy forever. . pathetic. She recently got engaged and she can't move out soon enough.
Last night as she was yakking, DH was looking at me gauging a reaction because he knows I don't like her. Why do parents feel that spouses should turn the other cheek after being treated like !@@ by their adult children? I just don't get it.
I have wondered that one
I have wondered that one myself. I have literally begged my SO to please have "a talk" with SD24 over her treatment of me, and he simply cannot do it. He hates confrontation, this much I know. His answer has been to stand up to her in other ways, and for this I am grateful, but what I really wanted was for him to stand up and defend me when she has treated me poorly. I do not understand how he can think it's EVER excusable for her to be disrespectful of me, or treat me poorly. I know in his heart he knows he's wrong for not confronting her. I just wish he would grow a pair and call her on her Sh*t!
Exactly Tricia! The next time
Exactly Tricia!
The next time my DH comes to SD defense, (and he always does) I'm going to ask him if he comes to MY defense like that to her?!!! I highly doubt it but he still won't like the question.