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Felling of being pushed out of marriage

Yamaha's picture

Hi..I am married 13 years with 2 step children..stepson is 40.. stepdaughter Is 38..stepson is married and long left the house .SD was away from home for 10 years..but returned home to live with us and is ruining my marriage as she doesn't like me ..she is trying to keep my wife from spending anytime with me and she has succeeded so far .the tension is unbearable..I had a chat with my wife about this but she is on her daughter's side..should I just move out .?..any advice please..

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Depends on if, besides this issue, you find the marriage to be worth saving. If it's otherwise good, can you go to a marriage counselor? I agree that living with an adult child who doesn't like you and a spouse who chooses their wants over yours is not a good marriage or living arrangement. Since you've been together so long it's worth trying, but if your wife doesn't care about your opinion, nothing can be fixed. 

Harry's picture

A SD who doesn't like me.  Your DW has a choice to make. You or DD.  Her choice was DD. So you are out. 

ESMOD's picture

I don't understand "side".  What is her daughter's side? what was the actual conversation? what did you tell her the problem was?

I mean.. she should be able to feel free to spend time with her adult daughter.. but it should not be to the complete exclusion of spending time with you.. 

The reasons behind her daughter moving back.. are they temporary? is she ill? did she lose her job.. her house? did you and your wife have any discussion about what the plan was for her to be able to go back out on her own? 

I can see a mother telling their partner that they WILL support their child and won't abandon them if they are in need..  but since you live in the home. you should have a say in how the help is given.

how does your SD prevent her mom from spending time with you.. you live in the same house.. does she keep her from your room?

Winterglow's picture

I'd ask sd every mooring if she's found a flat yet. This is your home too and you get A say in who lives there.

Why did she move in to start with?

CLove's picture

Greetings! Welcome to Steptalk. Im glad you are here but Im sorry that you are here.

Steplife is hard. Society has programmed people to believe lies: "the kids MUST always come first", "you have to choose your kids OVER your spouse at all times"...etc.

Those beliefs are wrong. You know that and we all here pretty much know that, but how do you deal with people who conduct themselves using these credos?

Without much in the way of information here, its hard to give detailed advice but heres what I CAN give you:

1. The spouse should be the number one priority over the (adult) children. You MUST be a united team. There is no team Yamaha vs SD38. Its a deal break as you are finding out.

2. You have to either take the bull by the horns and have a really big heart to heart and lay down some lines with definted repercussions or decide that you should leave it all, because nothing you say or do will change anything

3. SD38 is old enough to go live on her own. Your DW is enabling her for her own selfish reasons. They are probably super enmeshed...

Some sample dialog:

BM - "But you just hate my kid!!!!" 

Yamaha" "No I do not hate your daughter, shes treating me like trash in the home that I pay for, what does that say about you as a parent and a partner?"

BM - "Well if thats how you feel we will just leave!"

Yamaha - "Well if thats how YOU feel, then goodbye and goodluck! I wish you well!"

Theres another member here with almost a same situation, except his partner has a daughter and granddaughter that he has to deal with. Check out his posts and you wont feel so alone. There is also a lot of great comments/advice:

Rags's picture

Put her on the curb and call the police.

If anyone leaves, DW and her failed familoy toxic spawn should leave.  Tell DW that either SD is gone, or they are both gone. Then dial the locksmith to come re-key the locks. Tell DW she has until the locksmith arrives to make up her mind if she is staying or going with her spawn.

Either SD goes or both SD and DW go.  Do not surrender your home.