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Family business

WEIEAYWTL's picture

Hi, here i am again, moaning,  angry, resentful, wondering if this really is for me! 

Husband of 2 years, we each have 3 adult children who as he describes as different breeds as his and mine are so very different. Mine are respectful to us both, his are disgustingly rude, aggressive and constantly have their hand out. 

So my anger this time is due to his eldest DS (29) who works with him, well I say works, according to DH he attends, works occasionally but spends most of his time on his mobile,  fag breaks or in the loo! He turns up late, finishes early, basically does as he pleases. So while he has this easy life, DH who is committed to the business,  goes to work early, often finishes late, works from home after a day at work or at weekends, never gets a holiday without constant interruptions, even had surgery recently and was in hospital almost a week getting calls from his DS about work. 

Recently his DS has been off work as he had a sore throat, yes really! He failed to let DH know after his 2nd day off, just didn't show up, failed to let him know again the following Monday, then when DH had a go about it, he literally threw a tantrum,  threw tools around, chairs in the office, and tipped a desk over. The mess was shocking. On top of this he said he had lost interest in work as he wanted more money (he is on just over £35k plus vehicle, plus fuel).

 

ndc's picture

If your husband has an ounce of business sense, he'll fire his son and come up with a business succession plan that doesn't involve his children.

Harry's picture

Someone acting this way would be out the door.  He must be fired.   DH must start making arrangements to find a responsible person to tale the load off of him.  Not creating more drama 

JRI's picture

Before a long career in Corporate America, I worked for several family-owned businesses.  I saw entitled kids, unskilled kids, kids who would not have lasted a day if not relatives.  I get it, if you are a parent who owns a business and have a kid on your hands who needs a job, I would probably do the same.  But it is such a turnoff for the other employees, even though they may be putting a happy face on it.  Although Corporate America is no bed of roses with the egos, power trips and blame-shifting, it was still easier than watching some twit make more than everybody else for less work.

About 30 years ago, DH and I considered starting a business in a field where he was expert.  It would have been a success but I could see that Disney Dad would have been unable to resist hiring his kids and I knew too well what would have happened.  Its better this way.

 

WEIEAYWTL's picture

When DH went off to work this morning he said he was done with said DS. Later that morning when his son had rolled out of bed, he showed up at work. I barely heard from DH today. When he came home (when I stopped writing) he told me that him and DS had a long chat, DS told him what he wanted and DH told son what he expected  to then drop the bombshell that he has agreed to pay DS £10000 next month if he pulls his finger out and does what has been asked. 

I am absolutely gobsmacked. No I haven't added a zero or 2 too many! I also forgot to say that his DS had him up the wall while throwing his tantrum. 

This has now resulted in the biggest fight we have ever had. I lost my temper completely and wrongly shoved DH around saying are you going to give me £10k for this. 

I feel shit for doing it to him, shit because I feel disrespected, trust broken. I am so tired of his kids literally walking over him. 

I believe our marriage is over as there is no partnership.  what makes me more bitter is since covid, I have had hours halved then furloughed  at 80% pay and I have struggled financially  but not asked for a penny. I have continued  to pay my half of the household bills, shopping  then he does this. 

Time I left? His kids don't want me around  because I can see through them. 

Hurting so much right now. 

JRI's picture

I dont know what to say.  I certainly dont blame you for being upset.  You're probably not in a state to discuss it, but what does he hope to accomplish with all that money?

I'd be thinking about a lawyer, if it were me.  It so much money, are your assets protected?

 

WEIEAYWTL's picture

No assets. I have a share in the house but thats minimal. 

I think he believes that suddenly his DS will change his work ethics  he may for a month, maybe 2, but it won't last. 

I think this is enough to end our marriage. I just feel so betrayed and disrespected. 

Hesitant to try's picture

and I would be too! So many thoughts and emotions just reeling in your head and heart! I hope you can take a little space, calm down a bit (just a bit) and talk to him about this. He can't possibly be serious about paying his kid a ton of money to actually just do the job he's already being paid for!!! The job that's not really doing in the first place!!!! And we wonder how these adults end up so unable to stand on their own two feet?!?! Ridiculous. I hope DH can see this and have a very different conversation with SS very soon!!

If you can leave for a while, maybe he'd do some hard thinking and see things differently?? I'm sorry. Keep us posted.

WEIEAYWTL's picture

I have barely slept. DH stayed downstairs  not spoken and I don't think he will today. 

I am keen to know peoples thoughts on this .... DH says as it is his company,  it's none of my business what he pays DS. I help with the books for the business,  I'm also company secretary. Am I wrong to feel this should have been discussed?

I really don't know what to do. I have nowhere  to go, Christmas is fast approaching,  covid and barely any money of my own. 

TwoOfUs's picture

Wait - clarify a couple things for me. Do you work for your DH's business? Or do you "help out" at his business in addition to your full-time job.

If you work for DH, I'd be super pissed that I'd been furloughed to 80% while do-nothing skid got a raise for doing nothing. 

If you're just helping out because you love your DH and want to make his life easier...I'd be SUPER pissed that he lets me work for free, knowing I've been furloughed, still expects me to fully cover my portion of the bills...but can somehow come up with a spare $10K for his do-nothing son. SUPER pissed.

Either way, it is absolutely your business. You're married. You work for the business too (either as an employee or as a wife.)

If you're doing free labor for his business, estimate your hours over the years and request payment and/or a stake in the business. I don't know what the laws are like in the UK, but in the US a wife can stake a claim to a family business if she's put in unpaid labor. Remember this if you do decide to leave. Be prepared for DH to minimize your contributions and claim that you've barely done anything...but don't back down. 

If you pay half the bills at home...stop immediately. Make your DH step up at your house to cover your furlough before he gives out $10K handouts to his lazy kids. Unreal. 

I'm genuinely infuriated on your behalf. I'd like to say that I can't believe that a husband would watch his wife struggle to make ends meet due to a reduction in work hours during a global pandemic...and allow her to work for his company for free...and still expect all bills to be split as before...and then give his son a $10K raise. But I've been on this forum long enough that I absolutely can believe it. 

TwoOfUs's picture

Also want to add...please, please, please stop splitting the bills. 

If you manage the household budget, tell your DH that due to your reduction in work hours, it needs to be 70/30 now and that you need X deposited in the household account each month or the bills won't be paid on time. If he does the bill pay...just give him less. 

It's not right in a marriage for one spouse to be fine while the other is struggling financially and unable to save or build up assets. That's not equality...that's one side taking advantage of the other. It's especially not right if the spouse that's well-off in the relationship is expecting free labor from the spouse who is struggling...while not giving the struggling spouse any stake in the company. That's so beyond what is acceptable. 

Should add - I've done A LOT of free labor for my husband's dream career over the decade we've been married. I feel tons of resentment about it, particularly when I think about what my earning capacity could have been by now if I'd stayed in my field full-time. But at least I have ownership in the business (50%) and in the house and all other assets. 

I understand maybe it's different for you because you've been married just 2 years...and as you both have adult kids maybe it's a later in life marriage and he wants to keep assets separate. But no way in heck would I be working for this man for free any longer. No way I'd be paying HALF the bills at a home I don't own equally.

Whether you leave or not - start demanding your due and focusing on your own assets...rather than helping your DH increase his. 

WEIEAYWTL's picture

I work part time in a job for another company, the one I have been furloughed for and also work part time, paid, for my DH. When I say paid, I am not on family rates, I get the minimum  

I have always paid half the bills. I moved into my DH home which I now feel maybe wasn't the right thing to do. On top of all the issues with his DS, he also apparently asked if himself and his siblings would be left the house  he is so, so greedy and I can't help feeling he values his dad more dead than alive, which sickens me.

TwoOfUs's picture

Ok. I am also interested in the answer to Winterglow's question. Just you and DH in the home? Or are any of the skids still there? Do they ever "visit" for long stretches of time? And is the home paid for? Or are you contributing to the mortgage? 

So here's what you do:

a.) Ask your "boss" for a raise immediately. It's ridiculous that a grown woman is making minimum wage for doing the books...that's a highly-valuable business skill, and I guarantee you could make much more elsewhere, also working from home.

b.) If/when he says no, put in your two weeks notice. Tell him it's an inhospitable and hostile work environment, getting passed over for raises and promotions while having to watch his son be rewarded financially for doing nothing. (In fact, if you weren't his wife and were an unrelated part-time employee, you'd probably have a labor discrimination suit here in the US.) 

c.) Use the two weeks (or find a replacement job before you even start this process) to find a different part-time work-from-home job. Again, I don't know the situation where you live, but over here bookkeepers are in high demand. Put the word out to friends and family that you're looking...Google around...see what comes up.

d.) Tell your DH, in no uncertain terms, that splitting the bills 50/50 isn't working any more. Say it's because of the COVID furlough...say it's because his kids visit frequently and spend the night and you don't feel you should be responsible for their use of utilities...say you won't contribute to the mortgage of a home when you aren't on the deed...what ever makes sense to you as a rationalization. The point is, if your DH has $10K to give away while you're struggling (or is it $10K a month??!!) then he should be covering more of the bills. Plain and simple. 

e.) Start stashing away the money you're now able to save. When you feel comfortable, start buying your own assets. Open an easy & free/cheap brokerage account through Robinhood or Stash or something similar. Look into real estate of your own. Open an IRA / 401K if you don't already have one through work.

Bottom line - quit working for free/cheap and paying half the bills at a home you don't own so that your DH can throw money at his asshole kids and build up his assets to leave to them. That's ridiculous. Are you his wife or aren't you? If he wants you to pay half the bills, then he puts you on the deed to the house.

Winterglow's picture

Any sane man would have said "no son, my wife gets the house and you get the business so you had better get off your arse and make sure it thrives" rather than hand him a windfall. WTF does he think the kid will learn from a hand out?! 

CLove's picture

Some really great suggestions.

I have one - "Get thee to a laywer" like pronto. Know what your rights are as his wife. I would agree that his "D" s your jerk of an SS, should have some stake in the business if he was at all interested in it. That would incentivise him. However it sounds like he is way past that and into basic leech territory.

That being noted, go for ALL of it. Go for a stake in the business. Go for the house. Get a life insurance policy on him (if you decide to stay and he refuses to put your name on the house and will it to you).Stop paying ANY bills. Stop doing the bookkeeping for minimum. I make at least 20 USD per hour for that. Stop doing what you have always done. If he can afford to fork over 10k then he can pay for EVERYTHING. 

Id go scorched earth. 

Dovina's picture

My entitled SD and SS  work for daddee. Due to covid business is way down. My DH has taken a pay cut but not the princess. NO WAY should she suffer. To get it straight when the "family" business is going great she accesses all the perks. When the "family" business suffers, she still gets the same wage. It drives me nuts.

The crap she has pulled at work anywhere else she would have been fired, or at the very least reprimanded. Nope not the princess. Its bittersweet because its not good my DH business is suffering, but at the same time Karma has landed for SD. It is no longer a given she will be silver spooned for eternity. The uncertainty must be killing her. 

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

My husband also has a business and occasionally employs SS18 but SS18 is unable to show up on time or cancels the day off and is never happy with the money

Now his dad cashapps him in exchange of doing 0 work. If he doesnt get his money right after a day of work, he calls and harrasses. Of course, my husband is convinced that his child will take over the business for him. I just laugh....he couldnt even graduate high school so I doubt he can run a business

What I suggest for you is to accept that his son will always get his way whether he works or not and you on the other hand need to ask more financial support from.your spouse

 If he cant financially support you with bills while you are furloughed but can support his sons outer space requests, then you know where u stand

If your spouse has an extra £10000  laying around during covid, then it should go to cover household expenses that you are trying to handle while driving yourself up the wall

Good luck

Rags's picture

Your DH needs to grow some balls. He would have fired anyone else who pulled the tantrum crap and he needs to fire his useless waste of skin failed family progeny.

smh