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Adult stepdaughter - ANGRY!

WEIEAYWTL's picture

Hi All,

Back again after a while but really with the same issue! My adult SD (22)!!!

So my last post was a vent about Father's day. DH has 3 adult children, I too have 3 adult children. On Father's day, none of his kids bothered to do anything, no cards. He got a call from one DS during the morning and a text from other DS and DD late in the day. Basic words, no affection. They all live within 2 miles. My 3 visited with cards, gifts, beer for him they live 6 miles away.

Next event was DH birthday. Same thing, nothing from his, my 3 arranged gifts etc. He got a text from one son, other son called but the call was about something else, daughter text the next morning cliaming she had a lot on and had been poorly.

I cannot explain just how nasty I find this and how it angers me. These kids have always had their hand out previously. DH toughened up a bit over the last couple of years and I think this is why they dont bother. They can no longer get their own way.

Anyway, history with DSD, I have been verbally abused, lied about, she has told lies about DH, she has tried to turn her family against me (DH's siblings), the list is endless. She has a DS of 3.5 yrs which she has used to try and get her way. She said she didn't want me near him, then she did when it suited her. Never has there been an apology! 

So now, after no contact for some time, DH has to have surgery. She has known about this but hasn't bothered about it. He has now got a date (10 days time) and she wants to be the usual creep! She sent a number of voice messages at the weekend from her son to DH. It was quite clear she was telling him what to say and that she was trying to pull on the heart strings! She then video called and wanted to know about DH, any other time she hasn't bothered. This angered me massively! DH and I had a huge argument because I said I don't want her fake love now and I don't want to waste any time on her. He felt guilty, he is missing out on seeing his grandson etc. (DSD has always wanted him to see his grandson without me, but we have never given in to this).

Now, I am angry and stressing because I do not want her pretending to be the caring daughter just because he has to go into hospital. The thought of her contacting him while he is poorly is like waving a red rag to a bull. I feel she will try to manipulate him, guilt trip him, I just cannot deal with it.

How can I move away from this anger? Should I let DH visit grandosn without me as his DD wants? I am so scared that this is going to break us, but stubborn enough to not let her have her way! 

JRI's picture

Maybe the surgery scared her and made her see the light.  I would personally gray rock her,  be civil and polite but nothing more.  If she wants to contact DH, let her.  If he wants to go see GS, ok.  He knows what she has and hasn't done but it's his daughter, he's probably secretly glad she is showing interest.  Once he gets well, the interest will probably subside.

tog redux's picture

I think many have found peace on here by allowing DH to have whatever relationship he wants with his kids, while you step back and disengage from them.  It's understandable that you don't want to deal with them, but it's also understandable that he's always going to be hopeful that they are coming around and will be more involved in his life.  Let him sort that out with them, you don't have to be involved.

Zen mode's picture

This group has helped me to find the peace I need by placing distance. I'm now working on NOT asking the prying questions that usually follow DH updating me about them. I usually do that to figure out their motive but now unless what HE tells me affects me, our marriage or my life I am working on not seeking "more information" on anything regarding them. 

Dovina's picture

I also echo the above comments. Let him do as he pleases with regards to the steps, unless their relationship is at the expense of yours. I also  agree with the above, once DH is well again they will scurry off to their corners. Also god forbid something tragic happens they will be there waiting for what they feel is theirs. Its an all too common theme.

I do get the frustration and anger. These skids treat DH horribly, and once they show interest all is forgotten. Except you havent, and you wonder why and how your DH can forgive so easily.  Its the bio bond that we all have. Except a good parent would call their kids out on their shitty behavior immediately. Often these dads never do, so we are left there going WTH!!!

Best of luck with your DH's surgery. Just put SD on ignore as she plays Florence Nightingale. It wont last long.

Evil3's picture

I have a similar situation as you. I loathe my SD31 after everything she has put me through over the years. My DH lacks balls and is a non-talker of significant issues, so I don't get any validation from him. My SD is in her last trimester and I have absolutely no interest in her baby at all. This is my DH's first grandchild and I respect that. He doesn't seem all that excited but I wonder if he will be once the little Lord, son of the all-mighty, ever-so-royal princess is here. I'm so disengaged, it's not even funny. I think my DH picks up on it. I doubt he'll ask me straight out because he will not talk about anything. I'm using that to my advanatage. He won't ask and I won't tell. I'll just act like the ever-supportive wife and encourage DH to go see the grandchild on his own without me. I'm not interested, but why should DH miss out? I'm sure SD will find ways to try to exclude me anyway. Well, I'll just help her out with that. I'm not interested. DH can go visit all he bloody well wants. If baby comes to the house, I'll leave and go shop, visit friends, pick my nose, anything out of the house. I'll do it all with a smile on my face and I'll get off Scott-free because DH gets to have his relationship with his grandchild and I get to stay out of it. Also, SD gets to think she's commandered DH into a family of Dad, DD and grandson. I don't give a flying one about SD thinking she's won something. I will no longer cut off my nose to spite my face. Maybe this is easier for me because since i never got engaged to begin with, this disengagement from the baby is initiated and controlled by me. Since I started it, it robs SD of the chance to come up with something to exclude me. If you just bow out of the relationship between your DH and SD, you won't be in the line of fire for your DH to blame you for anything. He can then see his DD for who and what she really is all without you saying another word.

Missingme's picture

I hear you, Evil, but eventually you'll be squeezed out with your plan of such disengagement.  

Exjuliemccoy's picture

A lot of second wives experience what you're feeling, especially in the early days of marriage. You love and feel protective of your DH, you see the hurtful behavior of his bios and want better for him. But widen your perspective a bit and you'll see that his relationship with his kids was flawed before you ever met him. They are all adults, and it isn't your job to defend him or try to fix things.

StepTalk tends to draw people in step dynamics where dysfunction exists. I was once where you are now, ready to do battle for my DH while he sat on the pedestal where I'd placed him. But the truth is that your DH is part of a failed dynamic, and holds some responsibility for that failure. WHY are his kids so distant? WHY are they manipulative? WHY doesn't he parent them or draw boundaries? What has he done to change things?

So much of steplife is beyond our control, and that's where disengagement really helps. If your DH had a problem with a coworker, would you involve yourself? If your boss was mean to you, would you want your DH showing up at your job to confront him/her? No, you'd recognize that these are issues each must deal with on their own. You might empathize with your DH, but that's all. And that's how you should approach your DH's problematic relationship with his bios. They are NOT your family, just associates of your husband, so leave them to it.

The focus should be on your marriage, period. If he vents, listen for a bit then change the subject. Stay neutral. Never badmouth. That's HIS baggage, his past, and his mistakes - don't let it ooze into your harmonious home.

 

MissTexas's picture

I have notified adult SK's in the past with updates on surgeries, paitent PINs and room numbers, all with NO RESPONSE from either of them.

Never a card, flowers or a hospital visit in the past, and they live closeby and have full jurisdiction over their work schedules. NOTHING FOR DADDY from his brats.

In visiting with clergy, counselors,friends etc. about this topic, they all unanimously told me if they don't care to respond to the last 4 updates medically, then I'm under no obligation to contact them in the future, even if DH should die.

Recently we dealt with a medical ordeal with DH being hospitalized. I notified NOBODY. 

With COVID, it's unlikely anyone will be able to visit in the hospital anyway. I know absolutely NOBODY was allowed to visit DH, not even the spouse. As bad as COVID is, it has its advantages.

Hang tight. Sending positive energy and vibes your direction.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Good question, Miss T.

And I'm sorry to hear that your DH was unwell. I hope he's on the mend.

WEIEAYWTL's picture

She was told by one of her brothers. The eldest works with my DH so obviously knew about  it.

I have since learnt that she messaged DH 2 nights ago asking what date his op was, he answered but that was it, nothing else from her. I just feel she wants all the details  to be in on the drama acting like she  cares,  but it's all fake!

I or anyone  else wont be able to visit due to Covid but I imagine she will be on the phone constantly! Makes my blood boil!

MissTexas's picture

with the hospital staff that he is not to have contact with ANYONE who creates additional stress for him, especially during this time.

I'm hoping his procedure goes well and he makes a speedy, drama-free recovery.

Missingme's picture

The skids, SDs especially, will always be defended. It's disgusting, but it's the way it is.  There's no doubt there'll also be a little jealous anger on the part of the wife who's watched the SD(s) shitt on their dad's face only to see him lap it up.  Sorry to be so gross, but that's often what I see myself.  I agree with others that you need to try to act like it's great that they're going to visit daddy.  The good thing is that they don't like you either, so being around won't last long. (Wink wink)

Abay's picture

I agree with the other advise. Disengage, let him go see his grandkid, and while he's there treat yourself to the spa. Don't ask questions when he comes back and try to just put it out of your mind. Spend your energy elsewhere. She isn't worth your energy. I would even tell your husband you don't want to hear about her anymore and try to stay ignorant when it comes to her. That is what I recently did about my SD and it has been wonderful. Still hard at times and when I think about her and get mad I busy myself with my son or other work and try to push her out of my mind.