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entitled adult stepchildren

up2myiballs's picture

I don’t have children. Now, in my late 50’s, I married my new H in 2010, who has two adult children; his BS 21, and his BD 18. Pre-nup, I agreed to HELP pay for in state tuition (bachelors degree’s) for both, only after setting the standard that his oldest son realize that the vacation of “DAD” (full room and board in a nice apartment etc. for the last 4 years it took him to get an associate’s degree at a community college) was coming to an end. (That’s another story) For his son, I agreed to help pay for two more years at an in state university. The same agreement goes for his BD; four years in state college with all the accoutrements.
After 2 years at a community college, his BD announces, without Dad’s input, that she is going to an OUT OF STATE University to finish her last two year for her teaching certificate since her boyfriend just started there with a scholarship for La Crosse. NOW, tuition has gone from 3.5K to 10K! Dad says nothing so as not to “rock the boat”, fearing loss of love.
NOW, after being married for 3.5 years, I finally met the 21 yo SD the last day of her second semester at her out of state University. While getting the college town tour, the SD nonchalantly states that she doesn’t have enough credits to graduate next spring, and has to take another semester. That’s another 20K making her teaching certificate schooling cost over 120K all together! Oh I forgot the sorority as well, another 2500$.
The money my H saved in the IRA 529 for the SD was already gone. Unbeknown to me, he used 30K of MY business’s money to pay for her last three semesters! I know—stupid me! Then she sends a text asking for an extra 200$ so she could get tickets to the football game because BM is having a hard time with money and the BM couldn’t afford it.
WTF! No more of me enabling my H to save his face! ENOUGH is enough!
Not wanting to strand the SD, I sent the SD an adult to adult email stating the facts…. Your IRA 528 was spent. Dad’s money is gone and I can’t afford to pay another 20K for your school. I WILL pay for the full amount, 7K, for one semester of in state tuition, plus $400 for expenses, but nothing for lodging.“ I suggested she move back with her BM or get a job to pay for her rent. That way BM would have a semester to get back on her feet since she just lost her job. The SD had 30 days to accept my offer.
The SD sends an email to “Daddy” saying she had no idea that I was paying for her school, and it was unnecessary for me to step in and make her out to be an inconsiderate naïve child. “Her words really hurt me Daddy.” Being hamstrung, my H knowing that my offer was VERY equitable told her that was the offer and “it is what it is.”
THEN….SD’s 19yo boyfriend sends my H this letter:
> I thought we agreed that from our phone call on you were going to talk to your daughter like an adult. You, personally, as her biological father.
> Do you understand that you owe her this money? You left there family and you ruined her childhood. You owe her this money as someone who did all that and as someone who is trying to be a decent person on this planet.
> This is how this is working. You owe (BD) money. So where ever you get that money from isnt of her concern. If you take it from your wife than your wife should be yelling at you to pay her back. If you dont want to deal with that, then go to a bank a take out a loan.
> Thanks for ruining ANOTHER week of (BD’s) life when you could have been an adult and picked up the goddamn phone.>>
Nonetheless, the SD thought Daddy would cave and she would get her way. I’m certain the toxic BM had input on the SD’s email to her “Daddy”. The BM being financially strapped, f***** herself AND her BD. I was trying to prevent the “student loan” dilemma, and give BM a chance to get her finances in order so she could cover the EXTRA semester.
Now, I have so much resentment, I could care less if I NEVER saw my H’s BD again. I recently busted his BS for his emotional blackmail and insolence and rude bulls*** he’s pulled on me. So now it’s them, my H, his BD, and BS… against me.
I didn’t sign up for this!!!!!!

up2myiballs's picture

I have to say how enlightining, dissapointing, disgusting and sad it is, to see how many relationships are strained or ruined by adult stepchildren.

LostinSpaceandTime's picture

Amen to this statement. Your DH has already embezzled $30 k from you for his princess. You only agreed to in state tuition for the brat. She should have been on her own the minute she left state. But wait. Daddy stole money from your business to fund her.
Cut your losses. Separate your finances. I personally would withdraw the more than generous offer you extended to help her finish in state.
Let the rude ass boyfriend pay for her to finish school on his la crosse career. You paid $30 k so she could keep him company out of state and she could not even manage to focus on her own schooling. Unbelievable!
The bigger problem you have is your DH is a lying, stealing ass to you.
He took advantage of you. Why would you even agree to a prenup to pay for his kids college? Or to even had no relationship with either and had not even met the SD.
Disengage, separate finances. Marriage counseling. Mantra- not your kids...not your problem.
Good luck. You sound like a nice lady. Don't let it get to you.
It is all too common if you read some stories on this site.

Valeria's picture

Sounds like she is an expert at the shakedown and her her boyfriend in in the mob. Only someone willing to be held hostage can be so held. To bad our DH thinks he deserves this treatment, he must have an inner dialog that echoes the same thing the boyfriend is saying to him about ruining his daughter's life. He feels guilt and it's the Scarlet Letter syndrome.

hereiam's picture

Just , WOW.

You sound like a really nice, generous person who is being taken advantage of. I would shut this down now. And knock the BF on his frickin' ass.

z3girl's picture

I wonder if the prenup would be considered void anyway since her DH STOLE her money to pay the last semester's tuition.

up2myiballs's picture

The pre-nup is voidable from the current terms. There is no more of my money going toward them at all now. The money was in a joint account--agin I know--stupid me. His BS is getting married in June and I'm not offering anything to them--not my house--not my money-- and not my PRESENCE at their wedding. My DH and I are at extreme odds. He knows I feel tricked stupid and used. This is his "come to Jesus" moment and now realizes his house of cards has fallen. He says he can fix this. I'm not going to throw the baby out with the bathwater........yet.

peacemaker's picture


z3girl's picture

Wow. Just wow.

Your DH sounds as bad as your SD. He should have been kissing the ground you walk on just for offering to pay $1 toward his kids' education. Talk about burning his bridges. Separate your finances now. Better late than never.

I'd love to send that boyfriend an email saying that SD can thank him for ruining her life since she is now cut off completely thanks to him. Ha! Anyone getting any education paid for at all who considers their life ruined is an idiot. Time for some real world education.

Merry's picture

Wow. My head is spinning from the ignorance of your DH, the entitlement of your SD, and the absolutely rudeness of the boyfriend. A 19 year old boy told off his girlfriend's father? Seriously? And here I was feeling badly that my D's new boyfriend didn't offer me his seat when I entered the room and all chairs were full. (Actually, my D dated at one point the biggest loser on the planet for a time, and he told me off once. Just once. I had the cops in removing his shit from my D's apartment so fast he didn't know what hit him. I said I'd pay for a one-way bus ticket for him back to his hometown or I'd drop him at the nearest homeless shelter. You know what he said? He wanted me to buy him a PLANE ticket because he didn't like buses. Probably somebody's SS here. But I digress.)

Total dealbreaker for me. I hope your DH gets his head out of his ass. You sound like a nice, generous person who would have been willing to help his kids for a long time if they showed the least amount of gratitude and courtesy. Your own DH isn't even respectful of you. Oh hell no.

Pilgrim Soul's picture

Wow indeed. I nominate this boyfriend for the Most Entitled Brat of 2014! ( by Proxy - as he is not technically a step-kid, although... ). And even though the year is still young, i believe he has a very good chance of winning. And the envelope goes to.... drum roll AND eye roll please!!!

Let me ask you this: why did you feel the need to pay for their college? Hey, i am not enchanted with the idea of paying for my own kids' college, forget skids' education. Were the terms ever discussed? To me it seems like both you and the SD's BF are too invested in her college career. Is she bringing him into the discussion in order to counter-balance your DH's dragging you in? This is a new scenario! I like it! Please tell me more.

up2myiballs's picture

Water seeks it's own level
Through my journey to find my mate I have learned some VERY hard lessons, of which made me stronger because they didn't kill me. Those lessons forced me into the darkness and some of that darkness came out with me. I try very hard not to let that be me. (loss of trust and being so guarded)
My commitment to this marriage was all or nothing. No mine and yours, but ours. Too easy to rip the velco seam apart at the first sign of problems. I DID want to make the skids a part of my future enjoying not only their successes but the hardships too. It wasn't until I got to see how f***** up, selfish, insolent, and entitled they were, did I realize that not only I was duped but my DH was totally clueless due to his own denial.
My best action was to stop the vacation of "Dad", and put the out of state tuition etal, to an end and hopefully illuminate the current status. He still feels guilty because his BD had her rug ripped out from underneath her and had to move back home because of me. I wish he had this much empathy toward my plight.
So meanwhile, I'm getting my assets in order, painting, landscaping, remodeling the house I paid off after I sold mine, to be ready to unload in the event this goes south. Planning for the worst and hoping for the best. It's not a warm fuzzy feeling for me right now.

omgsaveme's picture

You are better than me cause I would not pay nothing towards my SDs college education. As soon as her BF sent that email, all the fun would have ended. WOW, the balls of her boyfriend. Id have his balls in my martini glass.

up2myiballs's picture

To K.I.S.S.--"you and your DH are fully responsible for what's transpired". You are so right! I own it! I am so stupid!

stormabruin's picture

> I thought we agreed that from our phone call on you were going to talk to your daughter like an adult. You, personally, as her biological father.
Is the BF suggesting that he & your H made an agreement as to the manner in which a father would speak to his child??? W-T-F???

> Do you understand that you owe her this money? You left there family and you ruined her childhood. You owe her this money as someone who did all that and as someone who is trying to be a decent person on this planet.
What kind of relationship has your H developed with this kid to have him thinking he has ANY business TELLING him how to be a good father?

> This is how this is working. You owe (BD) money. So where ever you get that money from isnt of her concern. If you take it from your wife than your wife should be yelling at you to pay her back. If you dont want to deal with that, then go to a bank a take out a loan.
Please tell me your H doesn't just take this shit. I think I'd go ahead & withdraw your offer to pay shit, & I'd let the bf know that, since he obviously feels SD is incapable of any of her own financial responsibility, being her bf he can go ahead & step up to the plate. If the girl is going to be dependent on a man to get by, he's next in line.

I'd send every one of them a big fat "EFF YOU!"...your H included.

up2myiballs's picture

What I thought interesting--the SD says it was unnecessay for me to step in and make her out to be an inconsiderate naive child. So she has her chihuahua snarling boyfriend "step in"? The ironic part is had this been done in person, the bf would have been kneeling in front of DH witnin 2 seconds, squeeling, with his little wrist twisted backwards with just two of my DH's fingers. (x-SWAT)(no bruises)

The DH did send the BF's email to the SD and asked her if this is really how she feels. NO ANSWER so far. Although it could be that the only time she called was for money, and now that that's gone.....

My DH being the optimist says, that maybe she'll come around. (and everything will be hunky dory?) I told him that I have no intention of trying to be social with her. I have enemies who have done less to me. So what does our future look like? Him solo at all the family events with his bio's? I already banned the skids from coming to my/our home. I told him he can meet them at Taco Bell when celebrating holidays, because there is no F****** way they will step on my turf again. I don't bite first....but I do bite back.

up2myiballs's picture

Today the BM is asking for money for school, rent etc. for her darling little daughter. My answer.......your darling little daughter declined an awsome offer from me, so all of you can GFY!