Double Standard Raising Skids and Bkids?
“Double Standard” is a term that’s been thrown at me as a SM for several years. One of my SS claims there was always a double standard when they were at our house and that i treated my own children differently.
My DH use to try and criticize me with this as well. Now that we’ve both disengaged from my SSs DH is more willing to listen to me. My 2 DD did not have their Dad in their lives. His choice. They were 8 and 5 when I remarried and I was their only parent they could rely on. DH helped but it’s not the same as having your own father in your life. DH and I decided early on that we would discipline our own children. My SSs has both their mom and Dad in their lives for discipline as well as love and attention. So if I appeared to give a little “more” to my own kids it was because I never wanted them to feel lacking in any way. My DDs were my responsibility and I tried to make sure they always felt loved and valued.
I realized just today, and I hope this helps anyone else who may have experienced the same thing and maybe thought you were somehow a “bad” person for loving your own children more.
Loving your children is primal. Of course I love my DDs more just as my DH loves his sons more. It doesn’t make you a bad person. Additionally there was never a mutually understood standard so a “double standard” was not even possible.
My SSs were spoiled growing up with both of their parents competing with each other during birthdays and holdiays and I helped finance those. My parents helped by giving my girls extra. But my SS certainly did NOT miss out on anything. Not even from me.
Yes this happens to me once
Yes this happens to me once in a while. However my reasoning for the double standard is that skids actually do treat me worse than DD. I don't feel safe with them.
To me it is not a "more"
To me it is not a "more" thing or a "double standard" thing. It is a "different" thing. As any relationship between 2 people should be. Even in intact initial families relationships between parents and their several children differ by child. And they should. If that is not the case... that is just abnormally weird IMHO.
Even in intact bio families nearly every eldest child has said at some point that the younger child(ren) had it easy. That mom and/or dad were easier on the younger spawn, loved them more, gave them more, etc.... And nearly every younger child has said the same thing about how parents treated the elder spawn.
Sure, I can see how the feelings between breeders and their BioSpawn would be different and likely generally closer and stronger than the feelings they may have toward and with their StepSpawn. However, IMHO it is a sub optimizing position to call it a double standard.
Not that I have any comparison to fall back on as I am a non breeding dad who adopted my SS-26 upon his request. He is and always has been ... my kid. At least since his mom and I started dating when he was 15mos old.
It was interesting to evolve through the "double standard" topic while I was growing up. I am the eldest of 3 boys (by 6yrs and 8yrs respectively) and my parents tried for many years to keep things perfectly balanced. It was not something that ever dawned on me as mom and dad married at 17 & 19 and had me at 19 & 21. The three of us pretty much grew up together. 6 years and two mid term miscarriages later (twins and a singlet) my younger brother entered the mix. My younger brother (the middle and the only one of 2 younger bros surviving) brought the frustration of my parents incessent efforts at balancing the kids accounts to the micro cent to their attention when he was about 12. It was an epiphany that took a lot of pressure off of my parents. It never bothered me either way and it sure made my bro feel better.
I remained frustrated at mom and dad letting him get away behaviorally with figurative murder for things that would have gotten me drawn and quartered but.... the balance sheet thing never bothered me either way.
So do not sweat the differences in how you parent and feel about your BKs Vs your SKs. And anyone who verbalizes the "double standard" thing is likely just a petty PITA anyway.
IMHO of course.
Take care of you.
Thank you
Thank you so much for your response Rags.
I agree that different is a great way of framing my situation.
Once “qualifiers” are added things go sideways and usually negative towards me. I think my SSs obviously picked up on that difference and try to weaponize it because they refuse to accept they were not and are not entitled to anything else.
The worst they have thrown at me is that I always treated them like “step children”. Which- they were so.
I’m so glad to know that you have a such a good relationship with your son! It’s truly a blessing.
My SSs are upset that their Dad has finally stood up to them and told them that we are united as a couple and parents. They are shocked that their ultimatums didn’t work as in “ you’re going to lose all 3 of us Dad!” They want a relationship with their Dad without me which they basically had before and my DH only received crumbs from them anyway. They believe DH should be grateful for those crumbs and he’s not- he knows he deserves more respect than that.
Thanks again for commenting and for giving me a new perspective.