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Is anyone also disengaged from you

FreedomBound's picture

FreedomBound's picture

As if dealing with 3 adult SS wasn’t enough, my oldest DD has been siding with my middle SS and talking bad about me behind my back. 

I found this out months ago and told my DD that I was no longer going to go through the emotional labor of trying to chase her down to talk discuss things like an adult. 

Shes not happy with me or her SDad for trying to tell her how bad being a “hostess” at a strip club was. It’s a known drug den and we both begged her to quit and to move back home if she needed a place to live. She ignored us and continued working there up until recently where she thankfully quit. 

My middle SS supported her working there and told my DH “to just get over it” and hung up on him.  Middle SS has the worst, most disrespectful mouth out of the 3. 

The result of all this is that I don’t/can’t so speak with my DD. She left her boyfriend of 3 years who I still talk to as we consider him like family. He doesn’t understand my DDs feelings towards me. She never talked bad about me to him- only to her step brothers which I truly do not understand. 

The worst part is that these older 4 adults (SS and DD) compeletly ignore my youngest 2 children living at home. Yesterday was my son’s birthday. No call or texts and he remembers the parties we used to have for his brothers and sisters when they were younger.  He feels so left out. 

Everything feels so messy and I’m trying hard not to dissolve into bitterness or resentment especially after I spent a huge chunk of my life raising these “kids” who spew nothing but hate to towards me and their dad.

Aniki's picture

The one thing I can address is your relationship with your DD's EX boyfriend. Please understand that your maintaining a relationship with him where you treat him like family may very well deepen your estrangement with your DD. This happened in my family and cause a LOT of hard feelings that took years to resolve.

Nottakingit's picture

My mother is like that with my ex and my daughter's abusive ex. All sweet and giving advice on Facebook to this asshole who hurt my daughter. When I was a teenager an ex boyfriend stalked and threatened me and my mom called him over months later to give him the Christmas gift she'd bought him. She also misses my abusive father who she divorced almost 20 years ago :/ This woman has some issues!! And she doesn't understand why I feel she shouldn't treat our exes like that!

FreedomBound's picture

I am not in regular contact with her ex boyfriend.  I mentioned him to add context. She spent 3 years living with him and all that time she didn’t disparage me but does with her step brother? I find that very odd. 

My DD will always come first, no mater what and I’ve told her that as well. There is no acrimony between her and her ex and they’ve both moved on to other relationships. 

The point of my post is feeling hurt by my daughter’s disengagement with me. Not me favoring an old boyfriend over my DD. 

sandye21's picture

I'm estranged from two adopted daughters, and have been for quite a few years.  My exH and I adopted them when they were 5 and 7, thrown from one foster home to the other.  The BM had deserted them when the youngest was a baby.  Social Services allowed us to adopt them early.  Then all of the behavior issues came out - stealing, lying, setting fires, telling lies about me, running away, etc.  The youngest was placed in state institutional care at the age of13 because she became violent ( trying to kill two counselors there).  It was later discovered that she had been raped before the age of 3.  For my own safety I chose to stay away.

I raised the oldest until she was 18 1/2 when her drug and alcohol use, and the manipulation that accompanies it, became too much to deal with.  We have been in contact from time to time but she always wants money - nothing else.

My family supported me as they expereinced similar problems with them.  But I had one Sister who kept in contact with my ex-husband who had physically abused me, plus the two adopted daughters.  Every once in a while she would give me 'news' about the daughters - it seemed to satisfy some sort of sadistic need in her.  I would react with no emoition, as if it didn't bother me.  And even though her 'announcements' didn't happen often the hurt lasted - because I always felt like I had failed as a Mother.

My suggestion is to invite your Daughter over or out to lunch, bring up her disengagement from you and what she wants you to do to get close agian.  Another suggestion is to let the old BF go.


FreedomBound's picture

Thank you for sharing your experience and for your suggestions.

I’m sorry that you went through so much with your adopted children, your ex H and sister. You did the best you could under terrible circumstances. 


Rags's picture

Toxic is toxic and toxic people should be purged from your life regardless of the biology of that person.

IMHO of course.  Cut her loose until she extricates her head from her ass.

As for your younger kids... have those parties. As you and DH are farther along in  your lives and careers make these parties memorable whether the elder spawn want to show or not.  Write them all off until they adapt to the reasonable standards of behavior that  you and your DH demand.

Good luck.

Take care of you.