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Bit my tongue for WAY too long

FreedomBound's picture

I have been married for 15 years and reached a point where I cannot stand my step sons (28, 26 and 22). They have always been disrespectful to me. I’m a kind person and allowed myself to be a door mat early on in the marriage.  I have 2 daughters 24 and 21 and we have a 14 year old son together.

My husband always made me feel guilty if I criticized or complained about his unruly sons in any way.  He would only listen/take seriously when a stranger made criticisms.  It was very hard on me and the marriage.  We separated in 2011 over something my oldest step son did. I was labeled a liar and an overall “broken” person who showed her true colors.  My husband was nasty to my oldest daughter at the time and his sons quickly disengaged from me and my daughters.  Even my MIL joined in by sending me a nasty letter.  Overnight me and my children were shunned. 

I didn’t speak to my MIL for 5 years.  

Eventually my husband and I reconciled and went to counseling.  I had to slowly find my voice over the years and each year it gets stronger. Our relationship has been strained at best with step sons.  They focus all of their attention on their bio mom and completely ignore their brother (our son).

They only come around when they need something and show up at Christmas empty handed. I don’t expect or want anything but believe they should at least give their Dad something. 

I finally confronted my oldest step son and his brother verbally attacked me and sent me vicious texts calling me names like “lunatic” and “devil”.  I was and am blown away.  

All 3 step sons have a very narcissistic view. Nothing is their fault. They try to rationalize away all of the hurtful things they have done.  

Last week my husband sent them a heartfelt letter about how much he loved and missed them and wanted us to sit down as adults to talk things out.

The response from my middle SS nearly brought me to tears. He told his father to f’ing sell something to pay for therapy, that he was clearly mentally disturbed and on and on. He also doubled down with his insults towards me and said that I always treated them like “step children” and was “rude” to them when they were younger.  He provided no examples of course. 

I should also mention that their mother has been a nightmare to deal with, always meddling, tried suing my husband (and lost) for more child support, walked through my home when no one was home, spied on my daughter online and it goes on. Just totally bizarre and frustrating.  She is very manipulative and blames every bad thing on me, including the fact that my husband stopped talking to her when their youngest son turned 18.

Im heart broken for my husband. He was and is a great Dad.  I honestly thought they would act better once they grew up but they each became way worse.  

Does this ever get better??

 

 

 

2Tired4Drama's picture

It doesn't get better.  The time has come for both you and your DH to realize these are ADULTS you are talking about, and they are obviously products of bad parenting.   This doesn't get better with time, at least it hasn't in my case. 

The best thing YOU can do is disengage from any of these SSs.  Don't contact them, don't try and broker a reconciliation, etc.  Your DH may be heartbroken, but there is nothing he can do about it at this point.  I would bet these three "men" are going to be lost causes.  This is something your DH has to face.   It will also be difficult for your own son to realize he has half-brothers who are ingrates.

Focus on yourself, your DH and your son - as well as your own daughters.  Find joy where you can in life, and from people who reciprocate the love and care you show them.  

  

 

CANYOUHELP's picture

Fully agree with 2Tired, disengage from the fiasco you never created nor did you deserve. And, no, with a woosie doormat daddeee in the house, it never improves and it never wil improve.  The best thing you can do for yourself is accept that fact now.

With acceptance comes your own-- self protection; you protect your child as well; the "family" dynamic is hopeless unless there is brain transplant sometime in the future for your DH.  And, one last thing, do not even try to understand this sickness. It has  no cure and removing yourself away from the humiliation is the wisest move of all.

notasm3's picture

Do not EVER speak to those aholes again.  Let your DH have what relationship he wants with them totally outside of your home.  They should just be dead to you and yours. 

Do you really want your son to have people like that i his life?  

I have one SS who is about to turn 34. He has a GF and a 3 year old child and they live 10 minutes from us. I  don’t see any of them.  They are just dead to me. Works beautifully. 

FreedomBound's picture

I cannot tell you how thankful I am for your comments and support.  

I was hoping to see if there were any success stories for the sake of my husband...  but it’s clear it’s time for us both to wake up to the reality of what they are. 

The viciousness and ignorance has been so stressful. Like many in this forum, I feel foolish for wasting so many years being criticized for being critical of their terrible behavior.  I refuse to be he bad guy. 

DH had another terrible text exchange with one of his sons this morning.  I think the light has finally come on for him since they continue to attack him personally. 

DH told them (SS) not to contact us or our son this morning. I hope it sticks. I’m done. 

Thank you all again. 

 

 

krissers123's picture

I have 3 grown stepdaughters, all with families of their own and every bit as nasty as your SS's sound. After 10 years of constant criticism and zero effort for them to talk anything out my husband and I had a good, long, honest discussion. Our marriage is what's most important and I'm "disconnecting" from them to stop further damage to it. I could care less if I ever see SD's again to be honest. The pain they've inflicted is unbelievable. Sooner or later they'll find someone else to pick on when the fire runs out of fuel. Just booked a flight home for Christmas- alone. It'll be the best Christmas I've had in the last 10 years. 

FreedomBound's picture

Thank you for sharing.  I’ll say again how relieved I am to know that I am not alone. 

Fortunately, my husband and I recently agreed that we would both fully disengage and he’s now blocked their numbers. I’ve had their numbers blocked for months already. 

I’ll never understand why so many adult Skids like ours refuse to sit down and talk things out like actual adults.  

We’ve both been pushing this boulder up hill for years in trying to stay connected to them only for it to roll back down and crush us both.  No more. 

I already feel so much lighter at the prospect of NEVER having to see or interact with them ever again. 

Im a pretty solid grudge holder so I’m not worried about me but I do worry that my DH will eventually want to try and reconnect.  For now  I won’t worry about it and just revel in this new found peace. *smile*

I hope you continue to find peace as well. Getting to have Christmas by yourself sounds amazing! 

Smomlosingit's picture

For a 28 and 26 year old to act that way is disgusting. Are any of them married??  If so and I was their wife I'd be pounding some sense into them. BM will always be bitter so there's no helping with that situation. I would also disengage and just let it be. I know this hurts DH, but they are adults. There is no puppet master behind them like little kids telling them what to do or what to think. They are fully capable of thinking for themselves and feel for themselves. If this is out of line you don't have to answer, but did you break up the marriage? That's the only thing I can think of why they are so bitter towards you. And to not have anything to do with their brother is heartless. At least your son has his sisters. 

FreedomBound's picture

No, None of them are married. None of their relationships last for long.

No, I did not break up the marriage. DH was divorced when I met him and his ex and kids were living in a different state at the time. 

The oldest SS did/does blame me for preventing them from reconciling even though his Mom remarried before DH and I did. Like I said, I am blamed for just about everything.  I know that DH ex did pine for him for a while after the divorce even though she had been cheating on him for years with his boss.  Bio Mom moved to our state so they could co parent 50/50. This was a terrible arrangement. Everything we tried to teach and instill became undone as soon as they went back to their Mom’s house.

bio Mom has mocked everything about me. Everything from the amount of education I have to our nice house, and that I am ”stuck up” and on and on. She has a low level job and I’ve never mocked her for it. 

I recently dared to criticize  SS behavior and all hell broke loose. That’s when the name calling started. Even though I stuck to the facts and tried to talk things through calmly, it ended up being a disaster.  

I am far far from perfect and have made mistakes along the way for sure. Just as I did with my own children. But I did my best. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Too old for this's picture

I agree with the posters urging you to disengage.  But I do not agree that your DH should go and see them whenever he wants.   He should have your back  and not reward or condone this disgusting behavior by excluding you.  That is what will happen. You 2 need to stand together.

thinkthrice's picture

have been PASed out for a decade and they were kids at the time.  The toxicity from the BM and her clan were beyond belief.  I don't miss the clatter of their cloven hooves on my doorstep one iota!!