So last night I dyed YSD hair. On a whim I broke my own rule a dyed the tips of DDs hair. As everything in this house, DH had to make it about SGD. He said (in front of DD) that I'm doing this after I gave him shit about wanting to buy both girls dye and after giving him shit for buying SGD temp colors for her hair. I should have stayed quite but I responded with, DD is 12 in 4months. Big difference then you trying to buy hair dye for 2 8 yrs olds. And to this day SGD can't brush her own hair, are you really comparing DD to SGD?? He looked at DD (who he does really love) and said No. Sorry, your right. DD is a lot more responsible and has taken care of her body and hair really well since I met her, it's not the same. I was actually blown away by his response.
I should have know better. I go out to smoke and DH comes out. He wants to get into it about how I have a double standard. I have no problem breaking rules for DD or Bs that I never let be broken for SGD. We then processed to go down his list.
The hair dying. Once again, I told him, SGD wouldn't brush her hair for weeks. It would get so bad he went and bought a special brush and cream. She didn't want to shower and at times would go weeks. DD is the opposite. She does take care of herself and we have the least problems with her. He once again agreed.
Then he brought up BS. I do his laundry at times and don't always check his bedroom. I had to remind him, I stopped doing SGD laundry because she would have fits over turning her clothes right side in and bringing me her laundry. On top of that I got tired of putting my hand in her poopy underwear. BS helps with laundry. He helps me weekly with at least 5 loads (way more then SGd) doing her own. As far as he room, it is cleaning then SGDs ever was. I still have the pictures. Does he want to compare??? He once again agreed.
Then he went on about how both BS and DD have more privlages then SGD had. At the end of that I asked him if SGD ever did a chore? No. Did she ever help out in the house without have a fit? No. Did she ever even clean her room, do her homework, or take a shower without issues? No. So we went down the list of all the things BS and DD have done in just the last week. I asked him with the fact they don't throw fits over helping, they have daily chores, and we have zero problems with showers, rooms and homework ... Would he be able to admit when you do as required you get more rewards??
He admitted they do behave in ways that deserve more rewards. But SGD was always kept way from my kids, and never was rewarded. It made him feel horrible for her. So, we talked about her being 11. She has the same choices everyday BS and DD do. She just makes bad choices. He went on about her life. Even told me, everything is hard for her then other kids. It was harder for her to move in with me and bios then it was on bios. I told him, sorry, take away your personal feelings, do you really think change is easy for an OCD/Aspergers kid?? He, after lots of talking, told me he honestly doesn't know how it affected my kids. But he feels everything for SGd. I had to go over as long as he makes her a victim she will be one. I never gave my kids the excuses he gives SGD. I reminded him he is blind when it comes to her. He wanted to argue. But my example was him getting up set over BS kicking a ball in SGd direction (he is 2 years younger and 40 lbs lighter as she is over weight) but when she slammed BS into the wall and left welts on DDs arm he was defending SGd. Even to the point that our counselor told him the reasons do NOT matter, she is never right if she hurts someone.
I think DH sees SGDs behavior clearly but is unable to make that fit with his picture in his head of this helpless 4 yr old. She is 11. 4 months younger then DD. He has friends that do not let SGd around their kids but have my kids stay the night.
Somehow DH is going to have to work through all this, or it is going to continue to drag our marriage down. I'm kinda glad the conversation happened but I just don't know if it helped.