Disengaging works...but what about the annoying moments that seem to constantly occur?
Thanks to the wonderful support here, I have been disengaging from SK's. For the most part, it works well. But what do you do when you are just there minding your own business and you get disturbed by them? For example, Saturday night at 10:30 pm, SD27 texts SO, "Daddee, I am watching such and such on tv" which then leads to a series of back and forth texts. SO leaves the room to do it. There we are, having a nice quiet Saturday night and the messages start coming in. Of course the answer is for me to ignore it, but I do find it annoying.
Or how about the time when SD asks Dadee to come over to watch the football (alone of course). SO had already decided we would watch it together so has to break the bad news to her. Meanwhile, they text back and forth the entire game. He may as well have gone there.
Other annoying things...he takes them to dinner each week. I'm fine with this, but what about when he gets back? Just ignore it and pretend he is late coming home from work?
So like I said, overall I am fine with the disengagement, but why do they still seem to be a thorn in my side? I fully understand it's important they maintain this relationship, but I still feel angry because they are off having a great time, and I'm just supposed to pretend everything is okay after all their attempts at excluding me?
I know with time it gets easier, but this first hurdle is hard...
I hear you, I have two step
I hear you, I have two step whatever they are. It irritates me when they text or ring as it always diverts attention away from our family time. What don't they get we don't like them. DH meets once a week with skids and grandskid for lunch. It never gets easier just harder when the grandskid comes along and the shit starts all over again. DH will never see it from our perspective ever. I starting g to resent DH big time for his spawn and the impact on my life.
Thanks wantmylifeback. I am
Thanks wantmylifeback. I am dreading the grandskids coming along! To think SO will start taking the whole lot of them out to dinner!! What bothers me so much is that this situation has impacted me so much, yet SO and his kids just carry on having a great time because their goal all along was for me not to be around.
SO said he was making some big changes this year, no more weekly dinners, change to monthly. So tonight is their normal night together and they didn't make any contact with him (as he normally chases them to take them for dinner). He was doing okay until this afternoon when he felt bad and called them. Now they are meeting on Wednesday. You see? The kids know nothing will change, and they will always get what they want. It's so frustrating seeing these guilty dads!!!
It's all in your head. None
It's all in your head. None of this is being done to irritate you. Being disengaged your name no longer comes up in his conversations with them. If you have any doubt about that make sure he understands that.
To avoid this irritation all you have to do is stop being irritated. Just tough it out and turn your mind elsewhere. Don't allow the TV to be backed up so he can see what he missed either (cable TV can often do that). OR:
It's too long to explain here how to go about this if you have an extreme case of irritability over them that you just can't get over. Find a good counselor, ask your friends and relatives. In 3 or 4 sessions they'll have you on your way. You'll be amazed at the insight a good counselor has.
I agree, once you give them
I agree, once you give them free rent in your head it's really hard to evict them. I disengaged too, right after a 'you're not our mom, we do not have to do what you say' speech from the SKids. Damned right I'm not, I'm off the hook for 'mom' things now!!
Because SD was/is the worst delinquent child on the books the judge ordered evaluations and family counselling. One counsellor had great wisdom for me, helped me with tuning them out. She asked me 'What real difference does it make to you, whatever they do?'
I am the same person I always was, I put the bullshit into perspective and carried on. Then, LOL, DH saw exactly what was going on!!
EXACTLY! My BF and I are the
EXACTLY! My BF and I are the same way. I want nothing to do with skid, and my BF accepts, understands, and respects my feelings and decisions regarding skid.
My BF and I also agree with the concept/fact that skids will grow up one day and we want to be together for life so we put eachother and our relationship FIRST! If skids have an issue with that my BF will ALWAYS put me and us first and foremost.
Your DH is a very wise man!!! Good for him for doing what these men SHOULD do!!
I totally fell off the radar
I totally fell off the radar for a year. I have always made it clear that I'm not their mom, they already have one. When they say step-mom I correct them, your mom is at home I'm your fathers wife. I never want to be a mom to them. Generally speaking when they have dad time I go out with friends, visit friends, shop, movies etc. I look forward to that being my time! I don't discipline or correct that's their fathers job. Once I totally let go then my life became easier. Slowly but surely I no longer shop for their birthday or. Christmas. I do make Easter baskets but if you don't show up the you don't get it. I've stepped away from trying to make things fair for his and mine. It's not a battle or a war. If you keep thinking that way then you will drive yourself crazy. Your not being left out bc you don't want to be their anyway. I'm not depending on my husband for my happiness. When he has plans with kids then I make my plans. There are better alternatives than sitting at home bEing pissed bc he's being a father to his kids. I wouldn't want a deadbeat dad as a husband.
I had 6 step-moms with my bio
I had 6 step-moms with my bio father. He didn't marry them all but they lived together. I never really had a mom bc I didn't met her until I was 10. I NEVER wanted to be like any of them. Long story short my last step mom killed my dad when I was 16. I never ever wanted skids. I swore off dating men with kids and then it happened. Not only did I date him but I married him. It was HELL bc of BM. I decided not to let her get at me with the emotional drama. I let her know that they have kids together, not my kids and not my problem. I refuse to get caught up in the bs. I. Explained that how her children turned out In life will be their problem to deal with good or bad. If she's comfortable with emotionally manipulating her kids that's her business. I put a stop to Being pulled into the drama by all of them. "My mom says...." I respond please stop right there. That's your moms feelings, your moms business, or your moms house. It's disrespectful to involve me. Guess what it stopped all together! It takes 2 people to argue and manipulation only works if choose to let it. I KNEW exactly how to manipulate, emotionally destroy, and totally piss off my step moms. It all WORKED bc they allowed it to work!!!
Candylou, How many times a
Candylou, How many times a week does he take you out? Does he text you while he is with skids? Does his kids know not to text DH when he is having a special time with you? Sorry for asking too many questions but something just doesn't add up here as far as DH's behavior. If he knows this hurts you why can't he hold off texting for a more convenient time for both of you? It just sounds too much like PA games. He agrees to take skids out to dinner once a month but then feels 'bad' so he tells you he is going back to once a week. It's almost like he's getting a kick out of it.
My DH plays passive aggressive games sometimes. I used to get upset, now I call him on it immediately or let him know two people can play.
If I were in shoes I'd be calling my girlfriends and organize a 'girls' night out' on Wednesday. Go out and have a ball, make sure to get home AFTER DH, and enter the door with a smile on your face.