You are here

Birthday Issue

CandyLou's picture

Haven't posted in a few weeks as I have been SO busy with work which has been a great distraction. Things were actually going along really smoothly with SO. But now, the next event of the year, his birthday. SO said he was going to make some changes this year re SK's and the exclusion thing. He said he was also going to change things and not put in 100% effort while they put in 0% effort. None of which has occurred. We talked yesterday about him inviting his kids down here for his birthday. SD phoned SO and SO mentioned the idea of them coming over, and she said no, she wasn't coming over and could daddy go there instead. So he said yes and then called me to tell me he was doing his birthday tonight with his kids, and no I wasn't invited.

I'm just sick of this crap. SO has no backbone when it comes to Skids. He said he didn't want to upset them by saying no. So the alternative is to say yes to excluding me all the time? I don't really care if he goes up there for his birthday but it's just the way it is always around me being asked not to come that is really annoying. I swear this is the only issue between us but when it rears its ugly head, it's just plain ugly! I hate this so much and told SO I don't know if I want to do this anymore. He said "I can't give you what you want" so he isn't even trying to make it better.

So he is up there now celebrating his birthday and said we could celebrate another day. Oh yes right, like I really want to celebrate his birthday now!

I know the solution here is to disengage and just let them live their merry life without me, but my issue is when I am told not to come places and SO agrees to that, that is just not okay with me.

CandyLou's picture

Hi Cheri - thanks for taking the time to respond, I really appreciate it. I suppose what I am wondering after reading your post is why? Why does everything have to be separate like it is with your father and SM?

I honestly don't know the answer to your question, which is a very good one, because right now it just hurts to know that this is my situation. My own children have a relationship with their SM and it all works fine over there, so I don't understand why I am being asked not to attend things. To me it's just plain mean and life is too short to be treated like this.

You are absolutely right, it's up to me what I can live with and I don't know the answer to that. My family (apart from 2 my kids) live in another country across the world from me so I have very limited support. I just don't want a lifetime of this yet I know that each blended family will bring about different issues.

I'm really not sure what to do. I just have a lot of pain in my heart right now...

Thanks Cheri.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Here's a question and thought that I have been having regarding disengaging and after reading the OP. Since I have disengaged why would I want to have anything to do with SK? Seems to me that rather than being offended, I would be glad that I didn't have to put up with the nonsense and carp they give out.

As was said earlier, you are now in the position of having to accept the fact that your SO is going to have a relationship with them without you (in which case I would be thankful as long as he didn't cancel any of my plans or our plans to go with them) or ???

As for what my Twit wants to say about me to her father when I'm not around....I really could care less as long as he doesn't bring it home and put it in my face.

OP - disengage. Let SO go to SK's, but tell him, calmly, that you are hurt that you tried by tring to invite them here and they refused, and leave it at that. Put the situation on their shoulders and his shoulders. But do it calmly in a nonaccusory manner, just a statement. I am finding that when I take the "fight" out of my words concerning my Twit to DH, he pays more attention and does not go off defending her right away.

Just a thought. Good luck.

CandyLou's picture

Thanks everyone for your comments. Things went from bad to worse. In my hurt I told SO not to come home, then he said ok, which has never happened. He said he needs space from me because its killing him to see me hurting. He said I deserve better and this will never change. I said it could have changed if he was willing to confront the situation but the fear of losing his kids is greater than losing me. Yesterday we were talking about marriage, and now he isn't sure he wants to be with me. This has never happened where he hasn't come home, he has been pushed to the limit. I've been crying for hours. I can't understand it, I was working away today, he calls to say he is invited for his birthday but not me, why couldn't he say he was invited but said no, not if I was excluded?
Now HE isn't sure he wants to be with me because he is hurting me? Why wasn't I worth fighting for?
It hurts so much right now...

sandye21's picture

He is pullling emotional blackmail on you. He is feeling guilty for choosing his kids over you and is trying to transfer the blame on you for being hurt. It a bunch of BS. My DH does this on the average of once every 6 months - it's been going on for almost 22 years. If I had known this before I married him we would never have gotten married. So you are in luck. You don't have to be stuck with the passive aggressive crap for the rest of your life. One of the other posters said you should go out and celebrate yourself - maybe you will find some other guy who is worthy of you.

sandye21's picture

There is always one special day between couples that is special. For my DH it is our anniversary, and he gets really upset if I do not acknowledge this. If DH chose to visit SD on Christmas or my birthday I would not be a happy camper.

If I place myself in your shoes, I would not be upset that DH wanted to visit SD without me. I have no desire to be around her sorry a$$. However, if you and he consider his birthday a special day for both of you, I can understand. It is obvious he considers his birthday as special or he and his children would not be making such a big deal out of it. So it is sad he is choosing to spend it with the skids instead of you. If it is so unimportant to him for you to be included in his celebration I wouldn't even acknowledge that he even had a birthday. Next year, I would tell him it's your turn.

CandyLou's picture

I don't think there will be a next year...his birthday doesn't mean much to him, he said he wished it would go away. He was crying on the phone and said he felt helpless. I sensed this was unresolved pain from when he watched his mom died from cancer, he said that made him feel helpless. I know for me, I read all your posts and it feels like something bigger than this is going on for me. I don't want to be around his kids, but its like the very mention that I'm not invited locks me into a trauma. I've been in lots of therapy over this and other issues and it feels like this is the one unresolved issue in my life. SO and I never argue unless this comes up, but when it does, it sets me back so much. And now it has all become too much for him and he needs space from me. I feel scared and sad, it's 3:00 am and I'm just lying here scared and alone...

CandyLou's picture

Yes hypovic, you hit the nail on the head! It's not about actually seeing his kids, but SO agreeing to the exclusion, it made me lose respect for him that he wouldn't stand up for the situation, stand up for me. That he is not prepared to confront this and instead take the easy road and walk away when we have such a good relationship. He says all the time no one has loved him like I have, no one has treated him so well, and he has always treated me with love and kindness. But tonight, something inside him snapped. He said he couldn't take this anymore and I was better off without him, that I deserve better. I've never seen him like this before, I felt scared and sad that he was so insistent on having space. He said if it weren't for him I wouldn't be suffering and he can no longer be in this situation knowing I'm hurting and he is the cause. Thank you Cheri for your kind words and for opening up about your dad, it sounds like you have a new awareness about your situation and why things are the way they are.