No word

CandyLou's picture

So update... as you know SO didn't come last night. He ended the call with me saying he needed space but he would call me this morning. He always calls me twice a day from work, but today nothing. I tried to call him but he won't answer my call. I feel desperate and need to take back control but I don't know how. I couldn't even go to work today. I don't know how he can just go to work and pretend everything is okay when I am hurting so much. I spoke to my mom and she said to give him space, he can't talk to me because I am hurting and he has caused it. But my stomach is twisted in knots, I can't eat...

Thanks for listening.

Newimprvmodel's picture

Candy Lou, I have been following your story and I feel that you will always be facing this same issue with this man. You are not asking for the moon! He is acting entitled right along with his children. What is attractive about this man? Does he treat you well in all other areas? Is he kind, considerate, loving? I always see life as risks vs benefits. To stay in a relationship, the good has to really outweigh the bad. Honestly make a list of this relationship and see what you get. You sound like a lovely person who deserves good in her life! ( smile)

CandyLou's picture

Thank you for your kind words newimprvmodel. You ask very good questions and yes he is kind, loving and considerate. I swear the only issue we have is this. He is wonderful with my children and we get along so well, until this kid stuff comes up. Has anyone on here ever had space from their SO and has it helped? I would be grateful to hear from others because right now I just feel abandoned. My mom said to view this as space for me too, not just him...

silentnites's picture

I know your hurting, I am sorry...Hurt feels awful. I believe we make our own happiness, we cannot rely on another human being to do it for us. I know your venting,and need to get it out. Use this time for your own benefit, your own needs. If you are hurting like this tonight, there will be more of that in your future with this man. Let it go now. You don't need the misery.

CandyLou's picture

Thank you dtzyblnd. I think you are right that I need to get in touch with my anger. Yesterday I was just doing my work, minding my own business and then I get the call from SO that he is going up to see his kids for his birthday, and no I wasn't invited. It just felt like too much for me. I am in shock that we were talking about marriage on Sunday and now he is saying he doesn't know if he wants to be with me...I need to get angry.

CandyLou's picture

Hi everyone - thanks so much for your support, you are such a source of comfort for me. I spoke to SO, he isn't coming home. He needs time away indefinitely. I am gutted. We were supposed to go to a concert on Thursday. He hasn't had a good day, he has been crying and running to the toilet (so have I) but he said last night when I told him not to come home he felt like he was falling off a cliff and his feelings became too much. He said it's all too much and he knows this situation with his kids won't change. He is staying with a friend and he said he needs to be away for at least a week and even then he isn't sure he wants us to be together because he said when we get into these situations it's too much for him and he doesn't think it will go away. He said he loves his kids so much and what is happening is interfering with being with them.

We had a good talk but I am devastated and terrified. He said he loves me but he just doesn't know if we can be together. I'm so upset, please, any words of comfort would be great. My birthday is next week...

Anne Boleyn's picture

I am sorry that this hurts so much. But you need to stop it now. You are letting him control you and your emotions. Enough. Please stand up for yourself and tell HIM that YOU will decide if and when this little break is over. And MEAN IT!!!

anafiodorova's picture

Bless him and let him go. You are describing my ex. His children are teenagers and he did the same thing to me - silent treatment and the I donot know when I am coming back and need time etc. Work on your healing, bless him and donot look back. Men like that never change.He is who he is and he is showing you clearly how little he cares about your feelings. It took me a year to figure it out by myself that he did not care about me or my feelings.
Live life, love yourself and enjoy your birthday! All of this is so unnecessary - let him go his way! You find someone that will cherish your heart and feelings.Truly and authentically not only when it is convenient for him or his children!

CandyLou's picture

Thanks anafiodorova. So you have been through this too where your SO needs space? I just wonder if sometimes space is good for a relationship. Has anyone been through this and did it help? My mom left my dad for 6 weeks because of his drinking on more than one occasion and they are still together 50 years later. She said she needed that space and my dad needed to realize my mom meant business. It worked as my dad has been sober for 20 years. My mom said that it's not just about space, but his willingness to make changes. It's so hard...I honestly feel I hate his kids for what I have been through...

forgotten wife's picture

"I would be grateful to hear from others because right now I just feel abandoned."

That's because he DID abandon you. Is this the kind of man you want to be with, the kind that leaves you when you don't agree with him? How can you trust a man who needs "space" every time you dare to have a differing opinion or want better for yourself?

His "kid stuff" will ALWAYS be an issue. Cut your losses now. We are all telling you the same thing. Come out of the fog of dependency. Set some boundaries for what you will and will not accept for yourself or this story will be repeated over and over.

CandyLou's picture

Thank you everyone. Hypovic you mentioned you had a couple break ups and obviously got back together. Do you mind sharing how long they lasted, and how did you get back together?

I miss him so much. I haven't slept or eaten. I'm so tired but can't stay asleep. He rang this afternoon and we talked about meeting tomorrow for a brief while. But then how will I deal with us parting after? How much space is ok? How long?

Has anyone had space, how long did it last and did it help?

I feel so vulnerable sharing like this and I thank you for bring so caring and supportive...

Newimprvmodel's picture

I like your analogy to the dogs. When I complain to dh that we should spend the few hours together without him answering his daily dose of his daughter calling on the weekends, he balks. He denies.....blah blah blah. The minute phone call stretches on..... They talk every day. (Eye roll)
So this week I took a different approach. I am busy, out at night, and he actually said he misses me! It is when I get pissy about his princess is when I get the ''tude.
So yes, when we don't seem to care, they pick up on that and get nervous.
Dh loves little princess, but she doesn't keep him warm at night!!!

CandyLou's picture

Thank you for the hugs and yes writing out my feelings is a really good idea. We spoke about seeing each other tomorrow for his birthday but how do I cope at the end when he says he's not coming home? I don't want to beg him to stay but I'm scared of watching him take some clothes and go. He has been gone 2 days with no clothes. What if he comes by tomorrow to get clothes and I have to watch him leave? My kids are crying too. My kids are the same age SO's were when he left his first marriage, it hurts so much, I'm sorry if you are sick of me, I have no one to support me, I feel so alone. I have to be brave for my kids...

CandyLou's picture

Catmom thank you, same question how long were your break ups, who initiated getting back together and how did you survive? How long did it take your boyfriend to realise he couldn't live without you? It's hard to believe but normally I'm a confident assertive woman but right now I feel anything but.

CandyLou's picture

SA I had no idea you went through this in your marriage. Was this before you had kids, how long had you been together and how long was the split? If someone asks for space how long do they need? I know these questions sound desperate and you are right he is in charge of the outcome, it's just normally the opposite where he is saying sorry and that we are perfect together, etc. but the other night he just snapped. Now I'm scared, I haven't eaten or slept my whole body feels terrorized. I know I need to use this time to think about what I want. Why does this feel more painful than my marriage breakup? Why does he need space instead of working it out? I feel desperate and all your support means so much to me everyone. I'm lying in bed scared and unable to sleep its 4:00 am, I'm so tired but can't sleep because I'm so scared. I love SO very much I know he loves me but he feels helpless because he is hurting me. How can we make this work, and what if he doesn't want to come back? Please tell me what I can do, I moved across the world 20 years ago to be with ex, I survived a divorce yet this feels so much harder because I really thought SO was the one for me. It hurts so much...

CandyLou's picture

Catmom how long were you split? I have been in therapy most of my adult life and it has really helped me develop coping skills and face my losses, it just doesn't seem to be helping in this moment, but writing sure is helping and I'm amazed how quickly you all respond, thank you...

CandyLou's picture

Thank you SA. from what you said, maybe it's not a good idea to see him tomorrow when I'm feeling raw, what do you think? He has never confided in his kids about us, he likes them to think everything is fine which I prefer because then his ex doesn't hear. Should I not see him tomorrow?

CandyLou's picture

Thank you Cheri your post made me cry. I'm lying in bed crying and feeling so alone. You really are such an amazing group of women, I hardly have to tell you the whole story and you get me. Collectively we have suffered so much in our situations. I try to be a good kind loving person. When SO called he said all these things, he said I'm an amazing woman, no one has loved him like I have but the pain of hurting me tears him up inside. It's really really hard and painful...

Newimprvmodel's picture

I think it is important for him to realize the pain he is causing you, and also that things need to change. need to be number one in his life. Without that commitment from him you will be in pain every holiday, event, etc. the man needs to step up and commit to you fully, boy half way. Hang in there honey!

CandyLou's picture

Hi everyone - wow, how wonderful to receive all these responses from everyone! So much to reflect on and here is a quick today there was a knock at the door and it was SO. He drove down in the middle of his work day and he stayed for 2 hours and talked and cried. He really opened up about how hard this has been and he spoke about how bad he still feels about leaving his family and he worries about the long term impact on his kids and as a result he feels the need to protect them. Explains a lot but we already knew that didn't we? So then he said that on Monday he just felt utterly helpless because he realized he will never be able to make everyone happy and it is eating away at him.

Anyway he still wants space and tonight he is going to his kids house again. He told them he was staying with a friend and now I feel completely vulnerable that they know we have issues. He said when he sees them he is going to be honest about how difficult it has been with all this stuff going on and that he loves me very much but he keeps hurting me. Anyone had this situation and how did it turn out because I have real fears here. SO has never spoken about our relationship to them. Anyway, SO said he would come back next Tuesday as he needs more time to recover.

Finally after reading all your posts I had a lightbulb moment. I have really isolated myself from the world. SO and I spend ALL our time together and I have stopped seeing friends or having a life outside of him. SA mentioned going out with girlfriends and I have lost all contact with everyone. So tonight I took a chance and rang an old friend and asked her if we could meet for coffee. I let her know I was going through a difficult time and she was so caring and said of course.

You guys have really made me realise a lot about myself. I have so many fears and I have no life outside SO so no wonder I get completely traumatized about any separation between us. Even if he had told me months in advance he wanted to visit a friend I would still have been traumatized about being separated. I don't know if this is because I am alone in this country. But I do know I have to change. And now. I am 44 next week and I need to get my life back on track.

I am hurting like hell right now. I don't know the future, the pain is extraordinary, but I must, simply must find a way through this and find myself again.

You guys are wonderful. I wish we could meet in real life. Maybe we should organise a Skype session!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am still terrified, about to go to bed and dreading that lonely feeling...

Newimprvmodel's picture

Candylou, it sounds like he still is a fence rider, but his children are higher on the priority list than you. I hear a lot of whining about his pain, but what about yours? I think you need a man much more than you need THIS man and that is your dilemma. I think sleeping alone at night (get a dog) is preferably to sleeping next to a man whom you never know is going to run off on you. You do know actually, it is all the important holiday and events. You will likely always come second. I think the pain of letting this man go will pass, but that kind of pain will continue, as long as you allow it. You are not powerless here.

forgotten wife's picture

get the books, "codpendant no more" and "boundaries: when to say yes and how to say no". read them and they will help.

also, google "emotional incest". your SO confiding in his kids about you it totally inappropriate, for your relationship and for his kids. it's a very selfish thing for him to do.

Pilgrim Soul's picture

I hope you can find comfort in spending time with your friends, Candy Lou. If you can afford it, i would also try therapy - actually, both you and your SO could benefit from it.

If it's a no starter, try something that will keep your mind busy, as well as your hands. Do not obsess over his actions. You are stronger than you think Smile Prepare for YOUR birthday, go find a spa and spoil yourself. What would make you really happy on your birthday? Is there a special dish, restaurant, drink? Make a plan and be ready to celebrate. 44 is a perfect age, reads the same left to right and right to left Smile

Also, how old are your kids? How old are his? I have not read the entire thread, so you may have already touched on that. How long have you two been together? Is this the first time things broke down so badly?

NoraAstepmom's picture


You need to pick yourself up and quit crying over this jerk. He needs space, if it were me I would tell him take all the time you need but dont expect me to be sitting here waiting for your return isnt going to happen. I dont mean any disrespect to you but you crying and carrying on isnt fare to you. I use to be this way and sometimes still do. But not as much anymore. When my hubby tells me he says he is leaving I tell him to go. He isnt going to keep treating me that way. Before when he would tell me that I would cry like a baby because I was scared he wasnt coming back. Not anymore. I told him you think you can find someone better go for it. That no other woman would stay and put up with all the bullsh$t Ive had to. you cant be a whimp you have to stand up for yourself. Whats the worse thing that can happen. what that he dont come back so what. You have been in love before and I bet you were hurt then but you found love again right. and if this dont work out you will love again. Look inside yourself and bring out the stronger personinside of you , stand up for yourself. Good luck will be watching to see how things are going for you. Dont let him see that you are all torn up over all this . Act like things are going great . he may wonder whats up lol.