There is absolutely no reason that she should come live with you. Unless your husband wants to get divorced.

Anyone who treats you badly has no place being even invited into your home. If there was a good relationship - well perhaps....but I just can't see it working. I agree it seems that DH has simply turned his attention from one skid to the other. 

Good luck

I really doubt that the SD would come to stay with you.  I suspect that the BM has room for her, and would welcome her.  I do understand him wanting to be closer to his older kids.  Unless you were there when the SD purportedly said that she would like a closer relationship with her dad, I think it is hard to make heads or tails of it.  Your stepkids seem very polished to me, but it may be that at the wedding the In-laws corralled her and asked awkward questions.  

Unless you live much closer to where she will be working, I doubt she will want to live there.  Maybe dad could ask her if she wants to stay a weekend.  My guess is she will never take him up on it 

ETA -- Stepkids seem very sensible about money, and even if she is making good money, I can understand her wanting to live at home for a while.   Is Dad's house more commutable than moms?

Adults need to adult.  They do not crash at other people's homes unless they are invited guests and only for a short time.  Send SD the For Rent mags for your area, schedule her with appointments at leasing offices and send her directions for Ikea so she can get the furniture she needs to get started.  

That is helpful.  Facilitating the delay of her launch is not helpful to anyone.

IMHO of course.

There is no legitimate reason for her to live with you (illness temporary homelessness or transition between apartments are legit) and it sounds like DH was just planning on making an offer to be nice. Don’t let him offer. I like what you said to him. I wouldn’t want my SD coming back to live with me as an adult.

A divorce is much more expensive than losing an adult kid due to adult kid idiocy.  DH needs clarity.

There is no reason at all to invite sd to live with you. Period!!!! She is an adult. She has a good job. It's bad enough to be around people that do not like you or who are cold and uninviting let alone invite them to live in the one place that should be your safe space.

I would not want to extend and invitation even if you THINK she would decline it. I would not want to give any impression that she is welcome to live in your space now or possibly in the future.

Just say no!

I only read the first five words of the post before my answer was "nope, I wouldnt allow it"

When I met my wife her son was 6 and she had been married 2 twice before, his dad and her divorce was really bitter and a lot of bad blood which caused him to have several mental health diagnoses, Anger management , separation anxiety, PTSD and also had ADHD. It was very hard to get along with him since he was very disruptive at school and home, and continually need to be by his moms side, so much so that when he was in school he would diliberately doing things in class to get in trouble so he could call his mom and she would have to go to the school, this behavior continued till he was not welcome in high school anymore and had to attend a youth challenge. Now with that being said I did try with her son but when it came time to set rules and discipline she said no one was going to tell her how to raise her child. She comes from a broken home as well as I, she was raised in near poverty by a single mother who worked very hard to support her and her younger brother, she also had a child at 14 which she had to give up for adoption, and is still very angry about that, since her yourger brother has a child when he was a teen that he and his girlfriend got to keep. 

So back to stepson, he graduated youth challenge and resorted back to his old ways knowing all the long mom would protect him no matter what he did whether legal or illegal. So he is glued to her and since he was 16 he is now just 20 spent over 28000 dollars on vehicles for him. But she feels that since I was not very nice to him even though his uncle and I did try to teach him things if never got his way it was no good, she mostly blames me for the issues. 

Just a note he calls her at least 8 times a day or more and has to see her at least three or more times a week, I believe he still has severe separation anxiety. 

I could go forever but just looking for some friendly advice my wife and I are at a crossroads in our marriage and two young girls that we need to raise but not sure if I will be in the picture much longer since she needs her son more than me. I just wonder if she will ever let him stand on his own or will be living with him and who ever he marries in the future. 

Also I agree with you response, my wife and have done marriage counseling in the past but that did not go well when in a session she yelled at the female Christian based counselor that I was the only problem in the relationship and that she did not know how to be a counselor. 

If SD is old enough to have a good paying job, she's old enough to be wearing big girl panties, not diapers. Make sure DH is clear that you aren't impressed with either of their pathetic attempts at guilt tripping and manipulation. NO, she isn't invited to live there. Period.

Trying to win over his kids' love by being a doormat.  

Everyone else has given the same advice I would:  Tell your DH point-blank that his adult daughter is not welcome to live in your home, as she has ZERO relationship with you and a tenuous one with him.  He may want to strengthen that thread with her, but he can do it on his own time and his own dime, away from your home.  

Put it to him this way - Imagine that you want to approach a young woman coworker with a proposal.  Keep in mind this coworker has been standoff-ish to you and completely and coldly ignores your DH if she ever sees him.  But you would like to be more friendly with her because it would make your work life easier and would make you more popular in the workplace.  In order to grovel for this person's attention, you would like to invite her to come and live in your home for awhile.  What would your DH say?  HELL no, of course. 

Well, you are in a similar situation.  Your DH is groveling for his daughter's attention and even though he knows you really have no relationship with her, he wants to move her into YOUR HOME.   Makes no sense at all.

you cant believe the il's. You nor DH were there if that was said and it should come directly from her to him if it were to be believed.

If he wants to believe she wants to be closer to him there are other ways besides having her move in. Its a bad idea. I wouldnt take the chance of asking her hoping she will say no.

I honestly think the hurt feelings are being placed on the wrong person. SD has no idea what is being talked about. It seems from reading the post she has launched very successfully into adulthood. Your DH is causing all the unnecessary drama by making the suggestion to you. It causes you anxiety and no one even knows if she even wants to live with him. If he wants a better relationship he needs to start communicating with her. Let their relationship build naturally. That can happen outside of the house of for short visit (i.e. dinners in home).

BTW suprising the SD with a visit is a very bad idea in my opinion. She may already have plans he is unaware of than both of them are put in a very akward position and can further damage the relationship. They can figure out a date and time that works for them to meet up for a weekend and spend some time together. 

My Grandma use to always say you can't have two women in the same kitchen.

Also, once she gets in you wil never get rid of her without causing an even bigger problem.

It's his guilt talking. 

Job or no job, this will mushroom into, "Well, SD wants to save money and contintue to travel." Or, "SD wants to buy a car, and can't afford rent and a car payment."  What if this job doesn't work out and she gets fired? Then what? The daddy pitty violin will be cued up and playing 24/7. And if you suggest she get out and move on, you'll be branded with the "Scarlet B",  (the bitch from hell with fire up her ass.)

Having another being in your home means you have to behave almost as a guest, wearing a robe to go to the kitchen in the morning, and everything else that comes with an extra set of eyes and ears in your private living space. It's a huge inconvenience and invasion of privacy.

You already know this will not have a happy ending.

Please, guard your heart and your home accordingly.