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I am glad someone noticed too

dessy101's picture

So as you know my twins graduated, so on a whim we decided to throw a small get together with DH family as they live within the state. To be fair it was only about 4 days’ notice which isn’t a lot. We were just going to grill in the backyard and such with only family. It was more of a Sunday lunch than an actual party.

Anyway Skids declined stating they had other plans and could not make it. MIL wanted us to change the date to accommodate Skids and ensure they can make it. I told her it isn’t a big deal that they are not coming because it was just a small gathering. We also intend on doing a bigger celebration at a later date. The twins nor DH cared either because it’s not a big deal and it was a bit of a whim. 

Well guess what MIL decided she wasn’t coming and encouraged SIL (DH’s sister) and her family not to come because she will not be involved in the exclusion of other family members. Now how ironic because there are so many events that Skids throw that we are never invited to but I never hear her get on Skids back about it. In fact, she has been to SS and SDIL house, neither DH, Dkids nor I have ever been, yet she has never come to DH or DKids defense about exclusion by Skids. Dkids were not included in sibling wedding pictures and she did not take a stand. Per MIL when Skids excludes it is DH parenting at fault. It is always the parents fault according to her.

Anyway MIL may have convinced DH’s sister not to come but his brother came. We also had a lovely time might I add. DH’s SIL and and I had an interesting conversation. She told me that she always felt that MIL loved Skids more than the other Gkids. She was pragmatic in that MIL probably played ‘mommy’ to skids when they lived with her during and after the divorce. So she has a greater bond with Skids. For years I have struggled with this and the fact that everyone in DH’s family seems to ignore this. MIL was always covert about it too so sometimes I thought it was in my head. It’s like finally my impressions about her aren’t unfounded.

Harry's picture

You must disengage from your MIL,  she is like a cancer. Eating up everything good.  Turing good into bad,  she wants to control everything.  You must stop her. You don't need this 

dessy101's picture

It was a very nice afternoon. She isn't terrible to be around generally but she is just pro-skid in every disagreement. Skids can do no wrong in her eyes.

momjeans's picture

My MIL is pro-skid too. Trust me, it only progresses and morphs into other areas of blended family life. 

Your best defense is putting some serious seniority tactics in place. A way of doing this is not giving MIL the opportunity to be the mouthpiece for the whole fam damily. Perhaps next time send out a mass email or group family text the details of the afternoon. That way, when MIL wants to be the dissenting voice, she looks like an ass.

Thumper's picture

OH MY GOSH...your mil is rotten. For gosh sakes, how old is she. Too old for pulling this garbage.

There is where the For Sale sign goes UP in the front yard....move far far far away.


Sorry OP--her behavior as a grandmother is NOT OK. She should have not said 1 single word except...Can I bring a dessert?


dessy101's picture

Honestly, sometimes I think to myself we should, but I have lived in this area for over 20 years now and DH has lived here his whole life. He is also strongly against moving. But I must say it is hard living in close proximity to most of DH's family. Sometimes I see the blessing in the fact that we are mostly distant polite to each other. Other times I find it quite sad.

Rags's picture

I would call MIL on this constantly and publicly until she either gaines clarity and knocks it off or is not comfortable crawling out from her Skid worshipping rock to be seen in public.

MIL needs clarity that DH's failed prior family does not take precidence  over his forever family though the Skids are certainly part of his forever family.  The Skids are not special because their parents failed at that relationship.  Both you and DH need to keep your collective  foot appropriately applied to his mother's anatomy so she maintains clarity as to this fact.  Figuratively of course.


momjeans's picture

So much this. You hold a lot of power in tipping the scales of dominance this woman so badly wants to wield. You're the queen of the castle, OP, and all that that entails when it comes to events that happen there, no matter how big or small. 

I would shut her down so fast. 

momjeans's picture

"Well guess what MIL decided she wasn’t coming and encouraged SIL (DH’s sister) and her family not to come because she will not be involved in the exclusion of other family members".

This is some classic "First Family" (ie skids come first) triangulating BS.

My own monster-in-law has pulled some similar punches in the past with me and low-key events we've thrown at our house. 

If I were you, moving forward I'd be very firm and direct with MIL.

I would also gracefully approach DH's sister and let her know you find it unfortunate she was unable to attend because of her mother's divisive shenanigans.

But finally, if I were in your shoes, I'd drop the rope with MIL and SIL. Ultimately it's their loss - not yours or anyone else's in your home. You have got to literally show them, in way of action, that you won't entertain their immature behavior.