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Dealing with an abusive daughter in law

Glassapple's picture

Hi there everybody Im new to the group . I have some questions for other step families. My step sons wife thinks that Im a bitch and that I favor my bio children..I love my step son who is now 31 he was 9 when I Married his father. I thought we were close up until he met his wife and all that changed. It has gotten so bad she has used our 4yr old grandson as a pawn. If she wants me to see him she will let me. but if she is on one of her mentally ill days she will tell me that Im not grandma Im just her husbands fathers wife. I have taken a 6 month break from seeing my grandson. but now that is creating a wedge between my husband and I. Anyone ever deal with anything like this

Tmoore's picture

oh wow...never dealt with that kind of crazy, but it sounds like you have a future crazy BM in the making...

can you talk to your SS about this? or have you? and the wedge between you and DH, what does he think about this, what are yo supposed to be doing?

Glassapple's picture

I know right my dil remind alot of these crazy bio moms i read about on here.. Thankfully my steps sons bio mom was just absent not abusive. My husband wants me to suck it up and come with him on our next visit. I have talked to my son and he just states that his wife is emotional and *thinks* she is defending him. She is crazy i LOVE my step and just bc I dont what she wants me to makes her think she gets to tell me im some stepmonster. DIL has said she was sorry but im just worried that she will go phyco on me again. My husband wants our grandsont to stay the night next weekend and they agreed. I Will let things go for my husband but I also am learning not to be a doormat

Jsmom's picture

What is her problem with you? Did she have a Stepmom and she is putting those feelings on you. Me, I wouldn't tolerate the abuse. I would just not be around her at all and I sure as hell would not be taking care of grandkids if someone treated me like that. Bi-polar or not.

Glassapple's picture

If you ask my steps son wife she would say I only use my grandson to entertain us. But I love that little boy I have been there since the day he was born . I even threw dil a baby shower at the time we got along. Things changed once the baby was born. I think she is jeolous of my daughter. And futhermore my husband loves his grandson. Things got so bad around a year ago I almost had to get a restraining order on her. She gets angry bc we wont give them money when they are struggling always comparing things to my bio kids. Right things are peaceful but I Feel like Im waiting for the next out burst*******sigh*******

donna123's picture

I also agree SS isn’t all so innocent. I am sure SDIL would be shocked to learn that her husband has thrown her under the bus by blaming her entirely and then writing himself a get out of jail free card. Bottom line is there is no need for protection if he hasn’t set himself up as the victim. He is trying to act as though SDIL came up with those impressions of you from her own experience with you and of course her own mental illness.

I would very much suspect he is lying to both sides and playing you off each other. It's never pleasant to learn someone has been doing that to you.

Momfedup's picture

I am new to this group but I have boundary issues with my Ss wife as well. She expects help from us which is fine but demanding and manipulating me isn't going to work anymore. My husband and I go to counseling after 13 years of marriage and the step children's boundary issues come up almost every session. My husband is trying but he often falls victim to their way of excluding me. Don't ever be afraid of being assertive. They will hate this and come together like a coven of witches to cast spells on you but remain strong. The most important thing is to have a United front with your husband or nothing will work.

sandye21's picture

"SM's don't disengage because they want to, they disengage because they need to for their own well being!!!!! Can I get an Amen?!" You bet ya!!! I truly believe if DH had informed SD in the very beginning of our marriage that she was expected to respect me in my home, the hate would have never reached the intense pitch that it did 20 years later. I didn't WANT to disengage, but because I did not have DH's support I had to for my own sanity.

Rags's picture

SDIL is an adult. Interface with her as you would any toxic adult. Call her on every bit of her toxic bat shot crazy bullshit and confront it immediately, publically, and consistently.

Do not let her alienate you from your son and your GSkid. Your adult SS will figure it out if he hasn't started to already.

Give him and DH a heads up and ask for their help and guidance. That gets all of the adults in the picture on board with dealing with this bat shit crazy unstable SDIL.

Good luck.

Stepdrama11's picture

My SS's GF convinced both him and my SD (who I thought I was close to) that it was OK to work as a team to get rid of me and 'get their father back' even though we'd been together over a decade when she entered the picture.

The biggest shock was discovering that DH had their backs and not mine. Our marriage had existed at the discretion of his kids. I just never got the memo.

Stepdrama11's picture

Yes, as of today.

Our last "discussion" about this was pretty awful.

I believe that for us the issue distills down to a few key points,all arising because his kids feel empowered to get into our marriage.

1. His kids will not allow him to see them or the GKs unless I am excluded.

2. This all arose because SS's GF kicked the whole mess off.

3. If he goes along with this, he would be treating me in a way he would never ask of or expect from anyone else (splitting a couple).

4. I cannot feel secure in our relationship because if he blows this boundary, then he is saying to all of us that the way he treats his wife depends on what his children AND ANYONE THEY BRING HOME might want.

Am I disengaged? Yes in the sense that I no longer ever expect to have a close relationship with either SK.

But the trust in DH is pretty shredded. It took me a few years to realize those 4 basic items essentially define our issue.

So for now it is day to day. Like - today he did not blow trust. Just livin' the dream. Lol.

SacrificialLamb's picture

Yes, disengagement means we have to be separated from our spouses because of someone else's bad behavior. I understand its to protect the SM. The resentment is too much for me.

sandye21's picture

I've been there too. You recognize that the real problem is your DH and have come to a cross roads. Something has to change in your marriage. Your DH is being disrespectful of you as his wife if he is not supporting your right to be respected in your home.

I finally had to completely break off from SD and give DH the choice to work on the marriage or leave. I wasn't asking him to choose between SD, he can visit her almost any time he wishes but she is not crossing the doorstep if she can not respect me in my own home. He chose to stay. As a result, SD shunned him and does not appear to acknowledge his existence.

As hard as it is to imagine right now, there IS hope but your have to set boundaries with your DH. If those are violated he needs to know there will be consequences - and you mean it.

It has been 6 years since I stood my ground. The marriage is much better. A few months ago I asked DH if he could have done anything differently in the beginning of our marriage when we were struggling so much what would it have been? He replied, "I would have had more respect for you."

Stepdrama11's picture

Thanks. Your last statement is so wonderful and really gives me hope.

I've seen three different counselors,each specializing in a different area. They all had the same conclusion...DH is treating his kids the way he should be treating you.

The biggest thing I've had to work on is ignoring his kids' behaviour and only raising his treatment of me. That sort of helps to keep him from going into defense mode.

I also understand that while I cannot control him, I can insist on boundaries in terms of how he will treat me and our relationship. And I cannot tolerate being treated worse than he would ever treat anyone else, all because his kids insist on it, after a decade of relative peace.