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What do you tell people?

whatamess's picture

Just wondering what you tell people who know you are have had issues with SK but aren't aware that you're disengaged now? I'm newly disengaged and don't want to re-hash, blow by blow what led up to it to people who casually ask if I'm seeing them or the Step grandson.

Sambolina1's picture

Ohhh I am with you on this. When the kids were little, it was one big happy family, kind of. When bm wasn't brainwashing them, that is. Years of that, well, there's not much to even attempt to salvage, and I'm done anyway. Would love to hear what veteran disengaged sm's have to say!!!!

NoraAstepmom's picture

Well for me I think I would just say, something like they are having a hard time adjusting and leave it at that. No reason you need to go into detail .

hismineandours's picture

I quite frankly just act like ss does not exist. Its strange,even people who knew me quite well during the YEARS ss lived here-including my sister in law, coworkers, etc-never, ever inquire about him. If anyone new asks me how many kids I have I never include ss in the count. Only my 3 bios. Works for me.

My dd15 has this issue at school. She attends the same school as ss15. She also absolutely denies him. When asked how many sibs she has she says 2 (my other 2 kids-one brother and one sister). Even when directly confronted by people that ss is her brother my dd will continue to deny it. She has told me that they are not blood related, that she does not view him in any way as her brother, and refuses to acknowledge him as such. I figure its her choice.

We also have the same issues with my inlaws whom we have no contact with. Someone asked my other dd11 if she was related to fil. She replied, "sort of, he's my dad's father". She said they kind of looked at her strangely. When my other dd has been asked if she's related to fil, she has said, "distantly".

I think its really up to you how you reply. I think alot of it is based on the relationship you have with the person. For me-if someone actually asks I just matter of factly state, "no, we dont see ss any longer" and noone usually asks beyond that.

sandye21's picture

It can be a bit uncomfortable when someone asks - especially soon after disengagement. Shortly after disengaging, we were planning on having guests who also know SD I asked DH to inform them ahead of time that SD and I no longer had contact with each other. How DH did this was up to him but it was nice not to have to answer any questions about it. Now, after 2 1/2 years it's not so hard to say SD and I no longer see each other.

Igiveupsotornupinside's picture

I am in this situation now. Sad I loved my SD until she turned on me and caused so much hurt, pain, anxiety, fear..etc. I had to let her go. I figure I cant take her away from family on her Dads side so I called my mother on MY side and I told her everything, she already knew everything anyways. It was no secret that my once beautiful SD turned her life into a mess with drugs and everything else. Anyways I told my mom that since SD is out of my life then I expect my family to be by my side. She agreed and with open arms. DH, his family thinks we are wrong for dropping her like a hot cake but they did not walk our path, they did not deal or see what we saw over a 4 year period. They did not see what she did to my older SD (sister with same mom) and to my bios with her dad (her half sisters). So to me I thought, I am not calling them for a while either because they can not judge me unless they have walked a mile in my shoes or my husbands. We did everything under the sun to try to save her. We actually did not drop her, she right out said to us in these exact words "I want you and my father out of my life and my babies, I never want to see you guys again, you have too many rules, you don't agree with my life style, get out and leave me alone, I am much happier without you" Although these words killed me a little on the inside since we were the parents who always had her back and always cared for her and always loved her, but we did it, for our own sanity we let her go. As hard as it is to know that we are judged for that decision, it was worth it. I could not let her hurt me or my bios ever again. There were times where I swore I was going to end up in a mental hospital because I tried so hard. Literally, never needed any medicine in my life until this four year battle. I am now on an anti anxiety. I now do not care, well most the time, what people think. My life is now for my little girls, not for her. I put everyone on the back burner to save her and to have the audacity to judge me for dropping her...I think not. So do not worry what people think. The ones who are on your side and have your back will be with you on this. The ones who don't, well you will realize who your real family and friends are when you are at rock bottom with being a step parent. Smile

dragonfly5's picture

I tell people that DH and HIS kids are spending quality time together. Smile

They are coming Friday. I have dinner at a Thai place with friends Friday night, all day beach event with my girls group Saturday and a movie with a Friend on Sunday afternoon. Then after DH drop the skids back at Crazo's house we are going to dinner Sunday night with a couple we love to get together with.

I am totally disengaged but not because they are bad or drive me crazy, but because I have raised my own child, and these are not my children. I do not want the emotional drama and baggage that comes with trying to be something in a skids life I am not.

I call myself the cool Aunt. Still and authority figure but not a parent. I pick and choose what I do with them. Which isn't often.

LadyG's picture

My ss is in prison for being a sex offender. Those who my DH knows in the small town what my ss did and some say he was set up and some say nothing.

I don't acknowledge my ss at all. To me, he's nothing more than a pile of.....

(plays with my yarn)....

ahhhh...much better....

Freshstart's picture

Great question.

Stay with me here whilst I explain this scenario. Freshly disengaged from SD17 after 3 year of her mini-wife crap, Dh and I were invited to attend a 50th Birthday Party with a fancy dress up theme. All spruced up and so happy to be going with him, we walk in as a couple and were greeted with "Oh where is SD17?" by not one but five different people. What the? Noone said the normal greeting "Great to see you" or "Hey you are both looking good." This was a casino themed grown up party and none of the others had their teenage children there except the Birthday family. I asked my friend married to a man with a 17 year old teenage daughter straight out did it happen to him? No noone had asked him. He said he and his partner saw what happened and felt bad for me.

So i got punished and treated like poo due to my DH's past of mini-wifing. Clearly several people were struggling recognising me because they had always known him with his daughter with him.

So in answer to your question. Disengaging is something that you do in your mind and then on a night like that one, the reality that you are trying to disengage from hits you out of the blue. DH's past will catch up with you. the secret is to disengage and then also disengage from the surprise encounters with his past. I have been learning on the job for a few years and am always happy to help like everyone else here does.

Murkywaters's picture

I agree with HisOtherHalf.  Don't give them anything to chew on.  Make it seem as if life is a bowl of cherries.

Rags's picture

"I'm fine.  Not sure about the Skid. I don't have much to do with her."

Lather, rinse, repeat.