She is doing it to manipulate. She has excluded you so she can get her parents back together, even if it's only for her breif, twisted benefit. So she can pretend that they are all one big happy family again. Nip this carp in the bud.

Maybe you should invite an old girl friend over while she's visiting Xhubby, that sounds like it would be fair.

I'm surprised your wife would want to be hanging out with her ex.

If you can trust your wife, trust your wife. But I admit, it's an awkward situation. What does your wife say about this new development?

I would expect that your SD invites both her mom and dad to family events to celebrate as a family.

While it's true that your SD is inviting your DW's ex, from SD's perspective these people are just "mom and dad". They will always be mom and dad no matter their marital status with each other. 

It could be that your SD refrained from inviting her Dad before in respect to your presence. Now that you've disengaged, she can invite her Dad to the same event as her Mom without causing you to be uncomfortable.

Have you talked with your wife about your feelings? A bunch of folks on the internet can only speculate. 

I would not live with my DH visiting with ex wife....period. You/I/anybody deserves more respect in life than anything like this.

Why would your wife go, knowing he was present ???????

If it’s for an event like a birthday party or graduation I can see both GPs  being invited. 

But if it’s “Dad - Mom is going to be in town so come have dinner with us.” - that is unacceptable. 

Also - is her ex local? Or is he coming in from out of town too just to see her?

i am 100% certain that my DH would never cheat with BM - nor does she have any designs on him - but I would be major pissed (as would her DH) if they went out together for dinner just to catch up on old times. 

Are you right? I have to admit, I wouldn't like it. Disengagement is hard enough without feeling you're being usurped because of your disengagement. A feeling many of we disengaged steps feel is that disengaging gives the skid exactly what they want -- a world they created where stepparents don't exist. Yours takes it one step farther and puts mom and dad together again. Wow.

But some posters here make a good point that without you there, the ex's presence isn't a direct insult to you -- that is, it's a step down from inviting him when you are there. Considering this began when you stayed away, that might be your skid's thinking if you care to give him/her the benefit of the doubt. Without you there, she/he can have one gathering instead of two. If the exes get along, why not? I see it both ways, but I still wouldn't like it.

I think it would be nice if your wife respected how this might make you feel and did something about it. But then there's the question of what she can do about it. Your skid is 46 and has every right to invite who she/he wants to her house. If the exes get along, why shouldn't she invite both of them, especially if you aren't there? This skid sort of has you over a barrel.

My own SD made family get togethers so uncomfortable for me that I rarely attend. I've lost out on a relationship with his extended family because she can't see me without a meltdown, tantrum, or just a steady stream of slights leveled at me. So mine also had me over a barrel. I chose to save myself and stay disengaged -- his family wasn't worth how bad SD made me feel when I had to endure her. If anyone cared enough, they could have stepped in and put her in her place on my behalf, but they didn't. I think they all find it easier without me there to be honest -- SD gets her way and is probably easier to handle for all of them.

All I can say is if your wife doesn't see it from your point of view and doesn't want to try to change the dynamic with her kid, I think you just have to suck this up and put it out of your mind. You do trust your wife, so the unease you feel is kind of noise in your head that doesn't need attention. It's sort of that feeling that SD/SS is getting one more thing over on you and you're helpless to counter it. But screw it. Who cares? Trust your wife. Put this out of your mind. We all have limited time left on this earth. Try not to keep score and just enjoy every day. I know it's hard. But in a perfect world, your wife might remember why they split in the first place and she might start avoiding these gatherings herself!

Hang in there. I feel your pain.

My question is why is your DW going to visit the daughter? Is it for special celebrations, milestones,  or achievements by your SD's kids or herself?  If so, is it expected that your wife's ex would be there since he is the father of SD? If so, he probably should be there. Do the ex and your DW spend the night in the same house? I might put a stop to that by insisting my wife stay in a hotel, or that the ex does, because all that chumminess makes you uncomfortable.  That is completely reasonable. 

As for attending the graduation, stay disengaged. I wouldn't go. 

Adult skid is 46yrs old. She knows what she is doing. She will continue to manipulate the situation until her mom shuts her down. Throwing her parents together for her own twisted benefit. I divorced my kids dad, if I wanted to hang out with him i would still be married to him. My youngest daughter graduated from college yesterday, my ex was there, did I stay after the ceremony, no I did not. My point is that she allows her adult daughter to stir the pot. Possibly to the point of divorce from OP. Which would definitely delight the skid. Yeah I'm jaded like that. 

Your wife likes the attention. That’s what it all boils down too. That’s where the problem is. 

All I can say is if your wife doesn't see it from your point of view and doesn't want to try to change the dynamic with her kid, I think you just have to suck this up and put it out of your mind. You do trust your wife, so the unease you feel is kind of noise in your head that doesn't need attention. It's sort of that feeling that SD/SS is getting one more thing over on you and you're helpless to counter it. But screw it. Who cares? Trust your wife. Put this out of your mind. We all have limited time left on this earth. Try not to keep score and just enjoy every day. I know it's hard. But in a perfect world, your wife might remember why they split in the first place and she might start avoiding these gatherings herself!

That noise is a real bugger. But what's in your head is the one place where you have control. Just put it right out of your head. Once you get the hang of this, it gets easier to do it on a regular basis. And a lot of people do it -- victims of crime, Holocaust survivors, people with addicted kids -- they often manage to function in spite of really bad circumstances. You can do this.