Christmas drama
Hi everyone - I have been on here before and want to say from the start that I have always appreciated the support and kindness from everyone. I'm struggling with an issue and was hoping to get some advice from anyone who is in a similar situation. My partner and I been together for 6 years and in a nutshell, his 2 adult kids (SD27 & SS25) don't want a relationship with me, they just want their dad. They are the same with their mom, they don't want a relationship with her partner either. So, my partner drives 2 hours return and takes them out to dinner each week without me. They have been to our home about 4 times in the 6 years we have been together which I thought were going well, but they said they felt awkward and uncomfortable. I haven't seen them now for a year. With Christmas coming, my partner asked them if they wanted to come over and they said no, they didn't want to play happy families. They feel uncomfortable being here and they just want their dad. So they asked their dad to come to their place on his own.
My partner and I have spoken and he said he doesn't want to hurt me but he isn't prepared to not see his kids at Christmastime. My partner has spoken to them a few times before letting them know he isn't happy with the situation and he said he is fine to talk to his kids again but at the end of the day he said he can't force them to see me. He isn't prepared to issue an ultimatum ie "She is my partner and I wont' go without her," because they will just choose not to see him. My partner said he loves me and wants to be with me so much but he said he just can't bare the thought of not having his kids around or not seeing them at Christmas time so he is prepared to give in to them on this issue over not having them in his life. His fears are real as they have threatened not to see him in the past over a previous issue.
He said he won't be seeing them on Christmas day, he will go up there for a few hours on a different day.
I love my partner very much but this situation is very painful. Realistically, do I even want them in my life anyway? If my partner forced the issue and I did go up there, it would probably feel uncomfortable and horrible knowing I wasn't wanted anyway. We have tried really hard here, and the kids are adamant, they just want their dad.
My question then is this...is it possible to still have a happy life with this man even though I have absolutely nothing to do with his kids? Honestly, for the most part, we are very happy together and we rarely argue unless this situation comes up about his kids. My partner is also a wonderful stepfather to my 2 children. We are desperate for a solution. In my mind I keep thinking something is wrong here, that we have to fix this situation and find a way to integrate, but despite our efforts, they are not interested. I am struggling so much with my feelings because fundamentally it feels wrong to me.
Can anyone offer any guidance here?
I really appreciate it.
Thank you
Thanks SA, I appreciate you
Thanks SA, I appreciate you writing back and I remember you as well. I actually came on here looking to see how your situation had been since the last time I was here, and you confirmed for me that this type of situation doesn't change. From what you are saying, it sounds like I'm in somewhat a fortunate position (although I didn't see it this way).
But honestly, can this type of relationship actually work long term? I know you have been married for about 18 years, and of course you wouldn't want this situation with your SK's, but overall are you happy you married your husband? Sometimes I live in this fantasy that if I weren't with my partner, I could meet someone else and be welcomed into their family but I know realistically any man with children would have baggage. I even considered finding a man with no kids, but then knowing my luck, he would have horrible siblings or parents, lol.
SA, do you ever get past the resentment though of the father never truly standing up to them? That's what I struggle with most. To me, it seems they play "happy families" because how can that relationship be real when they are all agreeing to exclude me in things? Are you genuinely okay with your DH going to see his kids on Christmas day? Does he take your kids? I am hoping you will say hell no! lol
Thanks again, you are so generous with your time here.
Very true. Christmas was
Very true. Christmas was always drama for us, the last few years we opted out. Instead of hauling our butt's across country to spend out time with ungrateful idiots (and spend a fortune to boot) we decided to stay put. Sounds good to me!
The youngest stepson has decided to come out to see us for a change. Total shock, we have one out of three that is actually starting to get it. And guess what? We did not have to beg or buy his or his wife's plane ticket! When i talked to him i asked "Are you sure you do not want to go to NY instead?" he said "Hell no, too much drama!" lol... bingo!
So he tells bio mom, sis and brother that he is coming to see his dad this year and instead of them saying "That is great!" they give him a hard time by saying "Why are you going to see THEM for?"
They also said that we (my husband and myself) should have come there instead. Everyone in NY because nobody in NY has money for plane tickets (or food, presents, gas for car... fill in the blank).
Bottom line, I know you feel bad because they are making the decision to not want you around, what i am saying, that is their choice, and did you want to be around people that suck the life out of you anyway? Good riddance! Be around people that care about you and want to be around you at Christmas. To hell with them!
It sounds like the general
It sounds like the general consensus here is that yes, it is possible to stay in this relationship even with this situation going on. Catmom, do you have a similar situation and how have you dealt with it?
Hi Snickersgal - I remember
Hi Snickersgal - I remember you as well and I felt so happy to still see you and SA on this site. Sad that you still go through the same stuff, but happy to know there is support out there. Were you in a situation where you initially saw the SK's but it all became too hard, and was it your decision not to be around them? Like I said SA, do you ever get past the resentment that your DH doesn't have the balls to really confront it?
Thanks
"My question then is
"My question then is this...is it possible to still have a happy life with this man even though I have absolutely nothing to do with his kids? "
Are you kidding?? That is absolutely the ONLY way! Hit your knees and praise the Lord!
lol thanks for your post,
lol thanks for your post, everyone seems to think this is the best way to be in this situation! Of course it still hurts. I think for me, I am losing respect for my partner and to be honest, I feel like I love him less the more time goes on. We get along great (when this isn't going on) but it's always there in the back of my mind, ready to rear its ugly head. And it really takes its toll on me.
I'm wondering though, is it worth me pressuring my partner to keep confronting the issue or is it time to accept the situation as is...a huge divide in the family that will always exist.
wowthisishard, you make some
wowthisishard, you make some great points here about the roles. Are you saying then, that in order to reclaim our power we need to be the ones to make decisions about our roles rather than them being dictated by his kids? In your situation it sounds like you still see your SK's, is that correct? Or have you made a decision not to have them in your life?
Does anyone have experience where your DH actually confronted the situation with the kids and that has helped? My partner said after Christmas he would stand up to them (unlikely) though.
You know what upsets me the most? Knowing that in my situation, at the end of the day if forced into a corner, my partner would choose his kids. What I mean is that if I absolutely insisted he deal with this and confront it, he would find that so difficult that he would be prepared to walk away from me because he couldn't bare to confront the situation.
Makes him sound very weak, and I do think he is very weak which is why I am losing respect for him. Sad but true...
[Are you saying then, that in
[Are you saying then, that in order to reclaim our power we need to be the ones to make decisions about our roles rather than them being dictated by his kids? In your situation it sounds like you still see your SK's, is that correct? Or have you made a decision not to have them in your life?]
I know this was addressed to someone else, but I'd like to offer my thoughts and advice. I believe that's what she was saying, and I believe it's exactly right. I've only been married about a year. Early on into my relationship with DH (about three years ago), I began reading this forum. I also read Stepmonster, and I made up my mind about a while ago (when the passive aggressive behavior began from DH's twenty-something son and daughter) that I wouldn't allow it into my home/my life. About two years ago when we "came out" as a serious couple, the crap started. Dirty looks, eye-rolling, sad/pouty face from SD when she visited our home. I let it slide; I know it's not easy as I watched my own children try to adjust to their stepmother many years ago (they never adjusted either and I honestly believe its very uncommon). Then it was functions where only Daddy was invited (don't bring your GF). He and I played along for a while, hoping things would get better if we gave them time. It didn't get better. It got worse.
When we announced we were getting married, the shit really hit the fan. Phone calls/fights all hours of the day and night about inheritances, step-siblings, why didn't you and Mom try harder, etc. Also, one last ditch attempt by BM to "please drop something off" at her house a week before we married -- they had been divorced for several years. The stepkids did not come to our wedding (thank God), nor have they even acknowledged that Daddy now has a new wife and stepkids. Then it was the official "goodbye" email from SD (until she needed money a month later, lol) after we married because she felt unwanted and neglected because Daddy refused to hang with her at BM's house. That was the last straw. I told DH new boundaries needed to be set, and he agreed. He has offered to meet them out for dinner/lunch several times alone, but they're too busy or refuse. I do not want them in my home unless they can try to accept the situation and at least be polite. I wont allow them to poison my life. He hoped they would adjust, but so far they haven't. He/we haven't seen them since. That was almost a year ago. I'm honestly hoping they only try to see DH outside of our home. They may be his kids, but this is my mental health! Life is too short to be abused in your own home!
[Does anyone have experience where your DH actually confronted the situation with the kids and that has helped? My partner said after Christmas he would stand up to them (unlikely) though.]
Yes, he did. He told his kids if they wanted to see him, they'd have to make an effort to meet him out for dinner or lunch. He also told them they are welcome to visit us if they're willing to try and accept the situation. He knows if they to pull any crap I will confront it immediately, thus I think he's relieved that they do not visit. I also know he's embarrassed by their behavior, which is why he rarely talks about them. It's been quiet and peaceful since. That's all I require as far as him standing up for me. I feel bad for my DH, but it's out of my hands.
[You know what upsets me the most? Knowing that in my situation, at the end of the day if forced into a corner, my partner would choose his kids. What I mean is that if I absolutely insisted he deal with this and confront it, he would find that so difficult that he would be prepared to walk away from me because he couldn't bare to confront the situation.]
Yes, that's definitely a problem. Are you sure about that though?
[Makes him sound very weak, and I do think he is very weak which is why I am losing respect for him. Sad but true...]
Try setting some boundaries with your DH regarding his kids and move on with your relationship with him. Don't waste your time worrying about things you can't control!
He should very explicitly
He should very explicitly tell his ex to fuck off. She has NO say so in his life. She does not have the right to tell him what to do especially for an adult child.
Why doesn't he block emails
Why doesn't he block emails from that witch?