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Am I being selfish?

Ozlady's picture

Help! I am not sure if I’m being selfish or not. Here is the situation:

I am having a medical procedure today that will mean I can’t use one hand for about 48 hours. Meaning I can’t drive myself there and back safely.

I made the appointment for midday so it was after the Grandskid swimming lesson that my DH attends weekly but really I had to fit in with the specialist . I assumed DH would drive me there and home but it turns out that SD changed the lesson times and is now leaving both gskids with DH for the whole morning. God only knows how a stay at home mother can’t find time to do whatever urgent thing it is she needs to (much sarcasm employed here!) which means he is unable to help me get to and from my appointment.

We had an argument this morning and he left for the swimming lessons with the statement “you just can’t find it in you to help her at all! How terrible!”.

Nevermind that whilst I looked after him post major surgery this year, there was no help from SD. She couldn’t even drop by to sit with him for a coffee whilst I did shopping or household duties and I’m the selfish one!

Am I selfish? I feel second best, again

 

Starlightwest's picture

First, why is it on you to help her? Sounds like he does whatever she wants when she wants it, not even considering you, his wife. The person who should be number 1 in his life.

Second, please take care of yourself. Call a cab or a friend to drive you. And from hereon, if I were you I'd conduct my life as though you can't ever count on your DH. Or perhaps just your H because he doesn't sound very dear to me. So sad that he's putting his daughter ahead of you. And you said you feel second best, again. So this must be a pattern of behavior for him. Maybe it would be helpful for y'all to have some couples counseling if he would agree to it. 

I struggle occasionally with self esteem issues but the times I feel strongest are when I am taking care of myself and my physical, mental and emotional health. If I'm feeling my best, then life just is better all around and people respond and behave better, too.

Ozlady's picture

Always second to the princess SD, she has daddy and his guilt wrapped around her little finger.

Thanks for your comments, you are right I will just look after me and next time he or she need help, I won’t be available 

ndc's picture

Nope, you're not selfish at all.  Your husband, however, is an ass.  When one needs help, such as a ride to a medical procedure, it is the job (and should be the desire) of the spouse to assist.  Your needs should come before those of his daughter who likely has plenty of other options (such as watching her own kid).  Unless you gave him no notice at all and his daughter was relying on him and had no other options for her child, there is no excuse for him making the choice he did.

blayze's picture

#1 there is nothing wrong with being selfish when dealing with stepsh!t

#2 you tried accommodating the lesson by scheduling your appointment after it 

#3 you don’t ever, ever, ever have to help a grown SD with ANYTHING

#4 your husband is an assclown for saying that and for not being there for your procedure!  I’m angry for you and would love the opportunity to tell your man off. 

Too old for this's picture

by showing you exactly where his priorities are.  You are NOT being selfish- he is.  He clearly gets some kind of macho feeling being gopher for his daughter.  So much so that it is more important than his wife.  I am appalled at what a jerk he is.  Now that you have clear evidence of where his loyalties are, you can make an informed choice about your future.  Good luck, my dear.

Want2's picture

Is there more to the story? He said “you just can’t find it in your heart to help her at all” which makes me wonder what the “at all” stems from.

Ozlady's picture

He sees my disengagement from her and his ex wife’s sphere as mean, unhelpful and rude. He is completely unable to see anything the SD does as questionable, she is literally perfect in his eyes so me showing no interest in her of hers is difficult for him

pixielady's picture

Are you supposed to just smile and say thanks whenever they do anything rude or inappropriate? I can't believe your H wants you to be in his ex-wfe's "sphere. Is he out of his mind? My DH doesn't expect me to spend time or be around or contact BM EVER. There's no reason for it. You seem too nice and it's hurting you.

sammigirl's picture

Call someone to help you.  

I have a friend that is here for me; my DH is disabled and has not been help for years.  I never see my grown STEPKIDS for anything to help with.  

I am tot ally disengaged for the past 8 years.  I do it all, 24/7's.  My friends are here for me, thus I help them also when they need me..  i saw this coming about 5 years ago.  I have ALWAYS nourished family and especially friendships.  

My friends are my family.

 

tog redux's picture

Let's see ... swim lessons vs. medical procedure.  Hmmm, yes, I think swim lessons are more important. Seriously??

And you think you are being selfish?

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

This would be a deal breaker for me. 

I entirely belive the relationship comes first. Before skids, before bios, before extended family. 

But, even if that were not the case in your relationship - medical trumps all!

If your DH cannot be a supportive partner in a serious situation then when is he supportive? And if not often, what are you getting from the relationship? 

Dovina's picture

That is so hurtful, humiliating, and frankly inexcusable. His response that "you just cannot find it in your heart to help her at all" Like WTF...this has NOTHING to do with helping the princess, that is irrelevant.  It has everything to do with driving your wife after a medical procedure. What an idiot. I would go on strike and let it be every guilty balless daddeeee on his own!

Get a friend to pick you up and take you to a hotel to recuperate. No need to inform DH how you are doing, besides he is too busy taking the grand kids to their extermely important , cant miss a lesson, swimming lessons.

Mind boggling how ridiculous this sick dynamic plays out.

futurobrillante99's picture

This is effed up, OP. You can make this happen without his help, and I would make it clear to him that he can go his own merry way but since his married to his DD, he can't expect you to be his mistress. Therefore, any services he would normally expect from a wife should be provided by the woman he puts ahead of you, in the wife role.

Deal breaker.

My XH2 and I split for many reasons, but it was eye opening at the beginning of the year when I found I couldn't rely on him for any emotional support or understanding while I was grieving with 3 close friends whose loved ones were each dying from cancer, and when I was in terrible pain from a back injury. Nope. His big promotion was WAY more important. I mean HE was so stressed.

When I leaned on my daughter, he was jealous and pissed off.

That's when I realized I couldn't count on him to be there for me and put aside any petty matters. I was pretty sure growing old with him wasn't going to be a good experience.

I hope you take a hard look at the realities of your situation.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

My ex husband didn’t put me first and only seemed to care about what money I was bringing in (while he barely worked, mind you.) It wasn’t even a step scenario.

Eventually I woke up and dumped him and thank god I had the balls to leave that ahole.

 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

I’m sorry you had to deal with an ex like mine. My ex also put his hands on me and  seemingly wore down my self esteem or something.

still learning's picture

Obviously you have been mentally abused and beaten down if you have to ask if you're being selfish to ask SD to watch her own kids while DH takes you to an appointment.  This is spousal neglect and gaslighting.  What a lousy excuse for a life partner he is!  

Rags's picture

"Are  you selfish?".... Not be be rude, but, that is a dumb question.

Of course you are rude for not catering to the DH and his toxic adult prior relationship crotch twinky rather than taking care of your own health.

Watsa matter witcha?    *wink**wink**wink*

The good news is Uber!!!!  Time to start isolating DH and letting him feel the pain of his misplaced loyalties. Next time he is in need of post operative support.... let him rott for a while.  See how he likes that.

smh.

No, you are not rude.  DH is.

Take care of you.

sandye21's picture

All you need to do is get pizzed enough!  Not to bore you with my life, but my DH used to be like this.  Time after time when I was incapacitated, and needed his help, he just wasn't there for me.  The final blow was when I fell down some steps and couldn't walk.  DH insisted it was "Just a sprain" and refused to take me to a doctor.  After a week and 1/2 I drove 40 miles with my left foot, and drove home with a cast on the other leg.

Isn't it odd how we are programed to 'honor' our partners by remaining quiet and respectful of them when they are being an a$$ to us?  Well, the broken leg incident was the straw that broke the camel's back.  The next time anyone asked about my leg or wondered why I was wearing a cast after 1 1/2 weeks of limping around, instead of taking responsibility for not being kind to myself I blabbed out the truth to EVERYONE like it was a funny joke.  DH was mortified and even somewhat angry.  I simply didn't care how DH felt about it, and replied, "It was just a joke, right?"  And I can tell you, he never did it again.  Now, if I need help he is there because he now knows I can be an a$$hole too!  LOL

I think too many of us are trying to be kind to someone who doesn't have our best interests at heart.  It has been 8 years since I've disengaged from SD.  At the beginning I kept asking myself if I was doing the best thing, was I being 'fair' to DH?  Over time, disengaging gets better or you gain enough confidence to tell a partner who is not respecting you to get lost.  If we ever went back to 'Stephell as usual', I would give DH the choice of placing his marriage as top priority or ending it.

NarcissisticSkids's picture

Nope, not selfish, just dumb to put up with that crap. Yes, I can say that, because I go thru this a couple of times a week myself—I am put in last place behind little bratty  gskid, if I express being annoyed about it, I am told I am selfish, and WHY do I hate his kids and gskid???? I dont hate them, just sick of being in last place ....it is not that you had to find your own ride, but gskid swimming coming before a medical appt is pretty shizzy.....I cannot stand crap like that either.......

NarcissisticSkids's picture

You are tooo kind and caring, not dumb...the situation DH has put you in is really dumb, and your DH is dumb to treat you like that!! I hope I did not offend you!!! I am the dumb one, for putting up with far worse for over 20 years.....

Ozlady's picture

No need to apologise, it was dumb to even think I had any responsibilities in this situation. DH does now understand how I felt, after I laid it all out on the table. He even missed the next week of swimming to go to follow up appointments 

CANYOUHELP's picture

I hope you shut down all wifely duties, since he did not step up to his obligations to you.....This was a time YOU needed him, nothing less than that--regardless of anybody else's needs or desires.  Dr. Phil says you have to teach people how to treat you.....maybe you did that.....

Ozlady's picture

There were a number of vigorous discussions before he realised the error of his ways, pretty sure I won this particular battle but now we wait for the next SD crap!

bedazzled's picture

You are not being selfish. I am like you I always ended up questioning myself. I am learning not to do that anymore. It is a process. 1 step forward 2 step back. Glad you stood up for yourself. It isn’t easy. StepTalk helps. Hugs to you!!