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One moment of honest stupidity

Ozlady's picture

I have been actively disengaging from SD and her brats over the last 12 months or so and DH has been disappointed and trying to include me in visits to the SD and her spawn which I have been avoiding with some success. I thought things were going pretty well, until my moment of stupidity.

 However recently SDs husband and my husband have started a renovation project together at our house (against my better judgement and voiced opposition), this led to an argument between DH and I about the project, basically SDs husband tried to redesign my design for a new bathroom and I was (i think fairly) unimpressed by those suggestions and said so.  DH has taken this to mean that I hate SD and her husband, the moment of honesty and stupidity came during the ensuing argument when DH asked me "why do you hate her?", instead of answering "I don't" I said "she is boring, has two subjects to talk about her mother and kids. Neither of which I am interested in and when I do have to go there you leave me in the kitchen with her and the brats, to have a good time with her husband, it's not that I hate her it's that she is so boring!!!!!"

Oops!!!!!!!

I know I should have walked away from the argument in the first place, been more firm in my opposition to the bloody renovation and definitely kept my opinion about SD princess and her boringness to myself but I didn't and now I am having to deal with DH constantly trying to repair the non existent relationship between his princess and me. He even thinks that fortnightly dinner at our house will be an option which it's not from my point of view.

My question for you lovely people is: How do you deal with your SO not understanding your point of view?

 

Honestly if I met this girl-woman in a social situation I would make an excuse and walk away within seconds.

Sanfranciscobaby's picture

I just don’t talk to DH about SD. I don’t talk to SD either. I make sure my visits with them are nice and short and if I have to spend more than an hour with SD I don’t look at her and spend the whole time without DH. I don’t ever bother with SD. Shes entitled and thinks she is an adult. She knows exactly how I feel about her. 

Ozlady's picture

I wish I could tell SD exactly what I think of her, why I don't enjoy her company and why I don't want her mother in our lives (up until recently she was in our lives all the time). But to do so would most certainly involve another argument with my DH and I suspect that it might end our otherwise happy marriage, honestly our only issues are around his children, their treatment of me, wanting the BioHag to be a part of our lives and the fact that I occasionaly have a brain fade and actually tell the truth about his adults.  I just want to scream to the world "they are ADULTS".

shamds's picture

i was not interestor would wast my time going to outings with 3 skids where me and our 2 kids with hubby are ignored and tossed to the side and skids go on and on about bio mum and stepdad.

my breaking point came when hubby told me about 3-4 months prior that we couldn’t go away for our anniversary weekend as he had work events on but the following weekend would be fine and he’d let me know the week before our anniversary

2 days prior to our 4th wedding anniversary ss20 messages his dad referring to himself in 3rd person that “person is free from this date to that date (during our wedding anniversary) and says he’s free for dad to take him and his sisters on holiday”.

there was no us and his half siblings (my kids), ss knows bloody well thats our anniversary because he was at our wedding.

hubby messages me right away with where do i want to go and i can book the hotel and tockets. All hubby got was NOOOOOOOOO! Which i repeated again when he said he didn’t understand and then hubby asked why i kept saying no... this is when i responded with “how do you think your wife feels when she is told you are busy with work for our wedding anniversary weekend only for your son with ex to demand a holiday during our anniversary and instantly you are free? How do you expect me to feel when you know full well i am never acknowledged, totally ignored, i am also placed right at the bottom, no one consults me about anything when it involved my time, then you have he nerve to invite skids (sd23, ss20 and sd14) for a holiday which is our wedding anniversary where i will be ignored, not acknowledged and as usual your daughters go on and on about bio mum and their stepdad!! This is our weekend to celebrate us and the shit i have tolerated for 4 yrs that noone should have to and now you want me to celebrate our wedding anniversary where i am openly treated like shit and i am expected to suck it up?? Screw you!!”

this was followed by me telling hubby he could go take his ungrateful manipulative kids with ex on holiday alone. I sent him screenshots of tickets to fly back to Australia (where i’m from to destress) which were for 2 days time and would cost about $6000 and told hubby i may be gone a while with our 2 toddlers and he can enjoy this holiday with skids where he is treated like shit, ignored and has to sit through skids ranting on and on about bio mum and stepdad during their dads wedding anniversary, yeah no thanks!! 

Do you want to be on your wedding anniversary weekend getaway with skids who ignore you, treat you like shit and go on and on about their mum and stepdad? Of course not!!

My husband refused to go on a holiday alone with skids, he said i was more important and I sarcastically asked “what you don’t wanna enjoy a holiday alone with skids?” He said it was torture being around them and i told hubby to tell skids that they aren’t pleasant to be around and how disappointed he is with the way they are and treat others. Hubby said he would never be ok going on a holiday alone with skids. He apologised to me abd never suggested something stupid like this ever again

if skids aren’t pleasant or ever respectful to be around, why should you be suckered into wasting your time with them??

Ozlady's picture

Oh you poor thing! I would welcome you home to Oz anytime!

I keep asking myself, am I wrong? Should I try harder to be more inclusive of these adults (not kids) but how hard do I have to try? Why should I put up with endless chatter about the ex wife and just accept that, it is hurtful to be compared to the wonder woman (who he left by the way), it is embarrasing and hurtful to have to watch her behave like she is MY husbands wife when we are at family events (yes his family still invite her to all events, but not their own exes).

I seriously do not know what to do other than try to avoid the conversations about his kids, avoid being with them and possibly lose my marriage because of it.  I feel very lost.

 

I am glad however that your DH saw sense, well done you!

tog redux's picture

He uses this to effectively neutralize your argument.

You: Wait, I thought we were putting the toilet over there?

DH: You hate SD! Why do you hate everything about SD?

You:  SD is a useless piece of crap!

The argument should go:

You: Wait, I thought we were putting the toilet over there?

DH: You hate SD! Why do you hate everything about SD?

You:  But if we put the toilet there, it won't have enough space for the vanity we chose.

DH: Always about the SD hate.

You: I really like that vanity and want to use it, so can we go back to our original design for the bathroom?

Ozlady's picture

Exactly what I should have done! No excuses I was an idiot in the moment and am now the worst person in the world (again) for being honest. I do try to do as you suggest but I didn't.....maybe next time

hereiam's picture

Stop taking his bait. What does your preferred bathroom design have to do with whether or not you hate SD? Nothing, that's what.

My SD but she has no personality and cannot carry on a conversation (at 27 years old). My husband does not accuse me of hating her just because I don't enjoy her company and am honest about her lack of social skills. He gets it because he finds it hard to have conversations with her, also. He loves her but he is not blind.

Trying to force a fake relationship between the two of you is just going to make it worse. Seems like he just wants to argue. Let him argue with the wall.

tog redux's picture

Exactly.  My SS19 is not a bad kid, per se, but he lies and bullshits and still believes everything his mother tells him, which I find insufferable and toxic.  I've told DH that, and that I don't really want to be around him, and he's totally understanding. 

Ozlady's picture

You are very lucky to have a DH who can see his children for what they really are. Mine is so blind to the reality of his children as adults SD (30 something) with 3 kids who has her mother over 7 days a week to care for the kids, who doesn't work and has only worked for 12 months EVER! SS 30 failed uni degree and a job in a cafe (not permanent) lives with mummy and can't pay his own bills. My 2 kids, both with degrees, worked to put themselves through the degrees and employed still, living independently with their partners and yet I can still see areas where I am not so impressed with some of the decisons that they make. How is it that some people just can not see that their children are not perfect? Which human is?

soccermom830's picture

I hear you loud and clear!!!  Some people think their kids can do no wrong and are perfect.  My BF is that way.  No matter what his kids do to me or how they treat me, they are still perfect to him.  It makes me sick.  It's only a surface level relationship and not genuine at all.  Nobody is perfect and if you think they are, you are afraid of truly seeing that person for who they are.  I just don't get it. I love my kids to the end of the earth but I will always call them out on their behavior.  I don't care how old they are!

Siemprematahari's picture

It happens to the best of us but at least your H knows how you feel about the adult step kids and can't ever say he didn't. I know when I'm upset I have no filter and the best thing is to keep away like you've been doing. You don't have to have a relationship with her and you have the right to have your own boundaries in place. Your H just needs to stop trying to get you two together and "like" each other. He needs to focus on his relationship with them and leave you out of it.

CANYOUHELP's picture

The best thing is to have nothing to do with daddeee and sd with dadddeee blindnesss.  He may or may not ever see the real sd; but regardless you save yourself a lot of misery and money.

still learning's picture

I used to get the "Why do you hate ss33" speil all the time during the first few years of marriage. Like a dumtard I would take the bait and we would fight about how I didn't hate him and he would try and prove that I did.  It was exhausting and pointless.  Thank gawd for steptalk and talk therapy that helped me turn things around.  Now I'm literally not interested at all in anything about ss33.  Conversations are short. I listen to DH talk and am supportive nothing more.

Like your SD, ss talks about his mom, and then about how smart he is, how right he is, how the world is against him, and poor poor him.  He is boring and predictable with no forward momentum.  Quits jobs left and right, stoned and broke all the time. He has the resources to be so much more but has decided to play victim in his life because mommy and daddee got a divorce. WAH! My life is ruined and I have to sponge off of them and make them feel guilty foreeeeever.... Not my monkey.  

still learning's picture

"I don't" I said "she is boring, has two subjects to talk about her mother and kids. Neither of which I am interested in and when I do have to go there you leave me in the kitchen with her and the brats, to have a good time with her husband, it's not that I hate her it's that she is so boring!!!!!"

Oops!!!!!!!

Too funny! Oops, yep. Oh well, truth hurts huh.  Wondering if DH leaves you with her because he's also tired of hearing the same old boring sh*t.  Many times when ss26 and gskids come over DH goes and hides downstairs. He and ss will visit while leaving me and SDIL to deal with gskids. He loves them but can only handle so much.  

Ozlady's picture

Thank you all, I feel much better knowing that I am not the only one who has oopsie moments and then regrets them.  Life is for learning I guess, just wish I would learn to learn the easy way LOL