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Biological Mum with drug habit Stepmum picking up pieces

Doneanddusted's picture

Hi there. I’m a stepmom to an 8y.o who’s Mum is a meth addict. She has been off the gear for almost a year now however the damage to her child has been done. Emotionally, socially and academically. My stepdaughters behavioural issues wear me down. It’s not directed at me and she’s generally a great kid given what she deals with. One week a routine and standard family life the next a week of chaos, sleepless nights and distraction. It’s really impacting on my relationship and I’m at boiling point. I love my partner but this is not making me happy and I’m tired of feeling selfish and guilty about my feelings. My partner is great but lately he is also at his wits end. Financially we cover everything. Tutoring, pschology appointments - just to help her at school and socially as she is 1.5 years behind kids her age. The bio Mum is constantly in our lives as her partner is in and out of prison. No life for a kid and I can’t stand it however have to bite my tongue so often it has permanent teeth marks. It’s making me regret my d3cision to take this all on and I feel as though I can’t do anyth8ng right for her with the little power I do have. She’s not my kid right?!?! So why is it me that baths her, buys her clothes, takes her to school when she feels like she doesn’t fit in, seeks out counselling, tutoring, talks to her about how to make friends, finds her swimming classes, calisthenics, reads books, does home work, packs lunch - all the normal things a real Mum would do yet I’m not the real Mum. I don’t want thanks but I don’t want the shit that comes with this life. I dread the weeks she is here and I hate that feeling. Advice is desperately sought if anyone has any. Thanks. Hard week. 

Harry's picture

let DH do it.  This kid needs help. You should make DH find her mental Heath help 

Doneanddusted's picture

thanks for the feedback however if I did not do the things I do this kid would suffer more. She is also in my care 50/50.  I can’t neglect that. The BM is fried and is like talking to a teenager. 

Im not sure what here. 

Her father is great with her however gets lost and is also at his wits end with the situation. I guess sometimes I have a clearer head and just charge forward. In my view she needs help nd now. 

We’ve repeatedly gone to the police about her situation with no help other than to say unless she is physically abused which she has not thank god, or we can prove neglect there is nothing we can do to get her out of there. So we deal with what we can and control as much of what we can. 

This consumes my life and I feel guilty for feeling like I’m done with it all but can’t leave a kid in this situation.


Doneanddusted's picture

No not childless by choice. How can you run from a child that needs help. It’s not her fault her BM is a biohazard. My word for her. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

There's a difference between running from the kid, and making sure your DH steps it up and helps parent his kid.

I'm a full-time SM. BM is a druggie, doesn't care aobut the girls, etc. And it sucks. i wouldn't walk away either and spend my time helping take care fo these girls. That's my choice and I really actually do love them. However, forcing yourself to care simply because no one else does, is only going to cause resentment, especially when your DH isn't helping. If i didn't have DH helping, I wouldn't be able to handle it. All the drama, all the chaos, crash-course parenting (my term for being thrust into a full-time parenting role all the

Just make sure it's your choice and no one else's. Then roll with it all. Don't ocmmunicate with BM, leave that up to your DH. And I'd consider documenting everything and heading to court...