No one says you have to be the grandma. My daughter presented me with a grand daughter when I was 46. Far too early for me! But I defined that role for myself. I am Grandma Mum and I have my own style. My grand daughter is now 11 and rings to complain about her school day and what happened. She tells me things she would never tell her mother. But that is how we roll.

However this is my blood relative not my husbands grandchildren (he has one right now and my role in his life is very different). Be the fun person. Just don't be available to take on the kids. So SD gets snotty. Big deal. Grandad can take on the kids. After all I am sure there is a Grandma out there and you would never dream of taking that important role away from her... snigger.

I do fun things with my grandchildren (2 here in the USA with me, 1 in OZ and 2 are AWOL with their mother in Japan). I enjoy the kids because I WANT to not because I have to. If I am too tired they better be quiet and leave me alone. If they want to make snow angels, let's go outside! If they want to do science experiments they see on YouTube,,, why not? But don't ask me to watch your kids because they are too much trouble to handle. And don't ask me to be all grandma and do anything for the CHILDREN.... This Kiwi Chick will never be THAT grandma. 

As for your DH, explain you are 20+ years younger than him and not up to grandparenting yet. Your days of babysitting someone elses children are gone and you want to enjoy the years until your kids have babies of their own whenever that may be. For now you will appreciate the children for the littler personalities they are. However they are not your grandchildren. Would he be the same if your kids had children? I doubt it (although my DH adores my grandchildren). Also he is probably seeing this as an extension of himself. 

Be  mentor-type role. The Mine of Information. The Auntie Mame character. Sweep in and out of their lives. Let them be in awe of you. And carry on being fan-bloody-tastic!

I dont blame you for not wanting to spend your free time with grand skids. If you have no affection for them then you dont. You may feel differently when you have your own though! Im 45 with a 24 yr old son and anxiously awaiting him to marry his gf of 8 yrs and have kids. For now i have grand bunnies

Well, somebody is always going to take your disengagement as being mean or rude, you can't let that deter you.

I am with you, I have never wanted to be Grandma to my SD's kids... and I'm not. We went to visit her one day, when her second one was a baby, and she plopped him in his bouncy seat, right in front of me. Then, she brought over a bottle and asked me if I wanted to feed him. I said, "No, that's okay." She really wanted me to be interested in her kids but I'm just not. She just had her third and I'm not interested in him, either.

My husband knows that I am not interested in being a grandparent but I have it a bit easier, as my DH and his daughter do not have a great relationship so he is not really in his grandkids' lives, either. The few times they have come over and DH played with them, I just sat back and watched.

You have already let your DH know how you feel about this, so stand your ground and don't let them make you be something that you don't want to be.

And, accusing you of trying to ruin your SD's relationship with her father because the two of you travel together, is so asinine. You are a married couple and she is an adult with a husband and a life of her own.

I hear you sista, I'm in my mid 40's with bios in their 20's and a snarky little tweenager bringing up the rear. In no way do I have the bandwidth to be Granny right now. DH does have a grandson, I do play with him and try to make a fuss when they make their random visits but I really don't feel like grandma firstname even though he calls me it. 

I want my own kids to wait! My daughter says she never wants kids and I won't try to change her mind and my sons are nowhere near ready.  

Maybe remind her that you are only 8 years older than her!!!!, and ask her if she would want to be a Grandma to stepgrandchildren.  Just because you got an earlier start having kids than most doesn't change the fact that you are a young woman.  

Somewhere along the line people got the idea that "grandmothers" of all stripes have to fawn all over the children and, most importantly, become free babysitters at will.  Maybe because childcare is so expensive?  I honestly don't want to hear the old "but it was like that in the old days."  Generations lived in the same house, women did not work outside the home, and people died of infected hangnails then too.  She had the kid - she can take care of it.

I never even thought I would be a grandparent! When I met TheX he had one grandaughter and OSD was pregnant with twins. Within weeks of giving birth OSD 'needed' a night out with hubby and guess who stepped in? No- not me- I wasn't that stupid, but TheX couldn't wait to look after his then two year old grandaughter and two baby grandsons only a few weeks old. I let him do it alone because I thought he was crazy!

That set the tone for the rest of our relationship- when they got older I could take them out with him and they were for the most part good kids, but as they grew I could see tem becoming  and more and more like their entitled Queen Bee of a mum I started to step back and in the end gave up on the lot of them- including him.

Now I have two grandkids of my own and they live far enough away for me to not get sick of them- we have a great relationship because when I go it is a treat and nothing is a chore.

I understand where you are coming from and I think you have to tell DH over and over that you are not interested, because they forget, or maybe don't believe you or sometimes (as was the case with TheX) they call you evil.

Disegagement isn't about being mean or rude (even though they sometimes make you believe you are) it means you are saving not only your sanity but your own personal integrity.

It isn't easy- but stand your ground over and over and maybe one day they will get the message. Or maybe they just won't.

i was a step grandma in my early 40’s.   I raised my former SD but our relationship was strained after I divorced her father.   After the baby was born I was Considwrwd grandma.  I threw his first birthday because SD had no money.  I paid for pictures as he was growing up.  I even kept him one weekend a month so SD could get a break.   And then BM came back in the picture three years later and I was totally cut out of their lives.   I haven’t seen my SD or grandchild in 4 years.   It just stopped. 

I have learned from this and will never be grandma to another step child again.   I have three SSs, two of which have been PASd.  If the time ever comes for them to come around with children...I will nope out of that immediately.   I will only be grandma to my bios.  Once bitten twice shy.

My DH and I are in our early/mid 50's.  He has a daughter who has a 2 yo.  I am not grandma.. the child has two grandmothers and two sets of great grandparents.  Nope.. the kid doesn't need me to care for him.  He is my DH's grandson.  I guess I'm a little fortunate in that the fact that my DH works out of town.. and where I live is over an hour from their home.. I'm not ever called into service for babysitting.  They also know as a non-bio parent.. that I'm not really good with kids.  Now, I do buy the gifts for the grandson.. just like I buy gifts for his kids on his behalf. 

My mil has tried to make me feel bad at times for not treating my DH's girls "as my own".. or tut tutting when I state that I am not a mother.. or a grandmother.. because biologically I am not.  Stepmom.. and that means to me.. I step in when I WANT... but it's voluntary.. and I can be just a tad selfish..lol.

Owing to the fact that my husband was a teen father and his eldest child was absolutely desperate to marry and be a mother, he became a grandfather at the ripe old age of 39. I was 34. Ugh.

I don't like sharing that. It makes me twitch to think of it, and I hate that it's a statistic in my life at all. It's triggering to think about that time, how everyone in DH's family was so thrilled and excited that OSD was having a child while I was over here thinking "These people are mad. She's only nineteen, has no education, no job skills or life experience, nothing. This is not going to end well". 

OP, it's sounds as if you're very wise and already disengaged. You recognize that it's a no win scenario, one where it's best not to play at all. The key is in HOW  you disengage. You need to be subtle and choose your words carefully, lest you be labeled a jelaous, child hating witch. Be busy, be elsewhere, have appointments, and be gone. Think kind but firm, and route all things related to his grandchild to your husband. Don't play hostess or sitter, and choose both your words and your tone carefully.  "Oh, you're going to be caring for little Durwood on Saturday, honey? Great! I'll be at the gym and then I'm meeting up with the girls for Happy Hour. Want me to pick up dinner? " 

 You're part of a family that is not only step, but unconventional due to the age gap between you and your spouse. That means there's no normal, and others may harbor unrealistic expectations. You are closer in age to his kids, and you're all at different stages in life, so flexibility and clear communication are key. Follow form, pay lip service, and act completely bewildered by these accusations. Don't be shrewish, because that only fosters an us vs them dynamic. Position yourself as supportive, yet separate, leave them to it, and don't burn bridges as those gskids may turn out to be interesting, enjoyable people one day.