Advice on SD30 visiting Sunday(disengaged)

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Ok, I am good at giving advice on here but now I need some.

While we were on vacation last week, I recieved a text from SD30 saying she wanted the grandchildren to be back in our lives. She also said she needed to apologize to me(that's a first!). She said she understood if I didn't want her back in her life but she wanted her kids to be back in our life. She said she was coming over with them that weekend.

(two weeks ago she showed up here at home unannounced at sat here 4 hours without saying a peep while we played with the 3 grandkids. We hadn't seen them for 3 1/2 years thanks to her whacko blackmail stunt. There were only 2 grandkids back then. We had a ball with the kids, just played with them the whole time and basically ignored her. We even stayed outside the whole time. I didn't offer dinner or conversation with her. I did offer her a bottle of water since it was hot.)

This girl had a serious personality disorder so there is no reasoning with her at all.

DH said "just ignore the text". I wanted to , but i figured she would tell her kids that we don't love them or some other stupid ass stuff.

I texted back. We are on vacation . She texted back , "where are you". I didn't tell her because we were at the lake and I knew she would drive up there.

Instead, I told her that the following week we had a wedding but we would be home Sunday. (I thought I was being brilliant because I knew her son to be ex hubby had the kids that weekend).
Well, that backfired and she said fine, she would be over after 5 when she got the kids back.
Damn!

I have locked her thoughts out of my mind as much as possible this whole week but this is Thursday......She will be here in 3 days. GAHHHH!!!!!!

My heart is closed she cannot hurt me anymore. I am willing to throw her out of the house if she acts up. My DH finally gets it now.

My biggest fear is she is going to try to talk to me about the divorce, child care, apologize(fakely trust me), talk about her sister, etc. She mentioned she badly needed my advice. In the old times, we were close and I had forgiven her for prior horrible deeds. Now, I am not going back.

I guess what I am looking for is correct verbage for what to say to her Sunday. The wrong word and she will immediately swoop out of the house with kids and accuse me a verbally assaulting her.

How about, "I don't feel comfortable going there with this conversation"?

Help??????

PS: I am sure this has something to do with a custody battle. No matter if she licked my feet, I would still tell the guardian ad litem the truth about her. My worry is how she will play this out with our grandchildren that love us dearly and we love them! We just want our son in law to get shared parenting with the kids. For some stupid reason, he still loves this crazy woman, he is a good dad and we get along fine with him. He has already apologized for letting her hold the kids hostage from seeing us. We would still see them when they are with him. She is a pathogenic liar and could make up all sorts of stuff about him.

I hate this. I had them all tucked out of my mind!

Towanda, you should have

Towanda, you should have listened to your husband and ignored the text.

If she has a personality disorder it did not just go away. She still has it. If you allow her to just pop back into your life now, you also leave the door open for her to pop right out again.

While I understand your hunger to see the grandchildren, is this fair to them. You are not only setting your husband and yourself up for heartache here, your setting those kids up to. She can whip them away again whenever she feels like it.

Text her back if your husband agrees and tell her you will not allow her to do this to you both and the kids. If she agrees to court ordered visitation then once something has been legally set up you will happily see the grandchildren.

But honestly the biggest mistake I ever made was encouraging my husband who was estranged from his daughter to allow her into his life. I learned a very important lesson from that. After 8'years of hell that almost ended my marriage, I now know. Keep my nose out of other people's relationships. Her father said ignore the text. You should have done that.

You do realise given her personality disorder the chances of her repeating her past behaviour are 100% in favour of. Now not only does your husband, yourself and her kids get hurt all over again. There is another child in the mix to get hurt. For the sake of these kids if nothing else,stop the visit until your husband has legal visitation rights. If you are afraid to do that, then you already know she hasn't changed so why do this to the kids. If she has changed, she will agree to it. If she hasn't changed, yet for reasons best known to herself agrees anyway. Well at least your husband has some legal protection and can try to enforce visitation, and the grand kids know you tried. There will be a paper trail to prove it.

Towarda, I'd cancel this visit.

Ooooooo I like it EBU! I

Ooooooo I like it EBU! I will run it by DH tonight. I knew I could count on you guys! Unfortunately, two weeks ago , we did ignore her text and she drove in our driveway with her three little ones in tow and marched right through our garage into the back yard where we were painting the barn. The oldest grandson came running into my arms. Pretty sly on her part. What were we going to do? Demand she get the hell out so she could claim abuse to her kids again? I have the house locked up like fort knox! Grandson told me they went to our lake home and peeked in the windows!
Oh yeah, she texted me, not him by the way.
Creepy!
Thank you!

I will look into that!

I will look into that! Funny....I bet I have read 16 books on the subject haven't heard that one yet.......

Be careful but talk to her.

:O Be careful but talk to her. You can still guard yourself and there's no harm in just talking. If you don't, you'll always wonder "what if". I, too, am disengaged from my SD but would speak with her if she wanted. You never know how God is going to work so don't close any windows. God bless you sweetheart and keep us in the loop.

No of course you couldn't

No of course you couldn't just ignore her that day, I agree completely. But after finding out she had been to the lake house peeking in windows. I'd be wary about telling her when you are on holiday as you are at the same time letting her know your home is empty. It also is a good indication nothing has changed with her. I'm guessing you let her rock back in next weekend as though nothing has happened, the first time you say no to her, it will all be on again. That is why I suggest getting legal visitation sorted out first. I'm also guessing you because she has you pegged as the weakest link. She knows you are softer than her father and she can play you more easily. People with personality disorders pick their victims. They can smell the weak ones a mile off. Please get some legal advice before allowing her back.

Hey maybe she's dating a man

Hey maybe she's dating a man with a child and wants advice on being a stepmum. Wouldn't that be karma.

I hope the man she dates has

I hope the man she dates has 5 girls and they are just like her and her sister!

You know what, it is the

You know what, it is the feeling of dread that you were struggling with.

I have that same feeling every second week but it is getting better. I hate myself at times for feeling that way even though I have had some success at disengaging.

This site is so good. People know what is happening. I am loving the 'grey rock" advice. I used to put in heaps of positive energy and effort in our house and be naturally giving. Now I am just boring, dull, dull, dull when SD17 is here. I save my energy for people who care for me or to go earn a living. She is not harmed. I am never rude or unkind. I leave lots of room for her dad and her and it works a lot better.

Guard your emotions. Say to yourself, "These grandchildren are fantastic and I will enjoy them today and have no expectations for tomorrow."

Good luck.

Thank you Wow! Hugs right

Thank you Wow! Hugs right back!

Ok, I ended up using the

Ok, I ended up using the "grey rock" technique. I stayed pleasant and only spoke to the grandkids. My DH left me alone every once in a while with her as the gskids are a handful running around etc. I would just walk out of the room or out of the house and find him. I hid all phones, laptops, kindles and books laying around here. She actually would follow me where ever I walked (we have a big yard). I never saw her phone as she has in the past hid it on her body and had her sister on speaker phone. I wouldn't have given a shit anyway.
We practically shoved the kids back in the car after 2 hours with hugs and kisses and then came back into the house and poured ourselves a drink!

Son in law apparently caught hell the rest of the night from her as he called saying he was summoned to her house to calm down the oldest grandson.

I pretty much came out of it unscathed but now I am getting a lovely cold sore on my lip! LOL!

It was hard to be charming and loving with the grandkids and grey rock her at the same time but I did my best!

thanks all!

Man! I wish she had stayed away!

I wrote a long new thread and

I wrote a long new thread and poof! It is gone.
I am reviving this one to spare me retyping the details.

We were all very leary that SD30 was being sincere in her attempts to reconcile.

A few weeks after her visit, my soon to be ex son in law asked if we would come to the fair and at least watch grandson9 show his dairy cow. I went by myself, ended up sitting with my son in law's father and just waved at my grandson who was tickled to see me sitting there.

Unbeknownst to me, SD33 had to get up and leave the big arena because she couldn't be in the same big building with me.(good, I love to make her squirm). I left without talking to any of them.

A few days later, SD30 actually picked up the phone and called her daddeeee at work and told him her phone isn't working but to thank me for coming to the fair. She hasn't called in years and has done nothing but send nasty letters and emails. DH said hesitantly "OK......" She switched on her tasmanian devil voice and asked him if he had a "problem with " her? He chuckled and said "no, not a thing" (now remember , this girl has called him every name in the book and made her finest hate writing when he was laid up with major cancer surgery)

Fast forward to this week. Soon to be ex son in law calls and says he gives up. This divorce could take years, she physically assaulted him again and he doesn't care anymore. We had avoided seeing him when he had the kids because we figured he would be crucified by SD30 if she found out. He visits us without the kids about once a week. He asks us if we would like to come to our grandson's 10th birthday party at his parents home.

After 3 days of arguing about everything we could think of, we went to the party , had a lovely time and left unscathed.

Later that evening, son in law receives a text from SD33(this is NOT his wife this is her sister) a tells him what a low life, rotten person he is because he allowed his children to see her father and myself. That we were horrible people and how she and her sister had done nothing but beg us to see our grandchildren.(not true, we were banned from seeing them, blackmailed etc that DH needs to get rid of me). At the end of her text, she called us what she thought was an insulting phrase and said he was just like us! The phrase she called us means highly revered, hard working and someone to be admired.

Now, this SD33, has her masters degree and teaches our future generation. Of course, son in law send us the text. DH and I read the text, burst out laughing over her final insult and we quit fighting! Best present anyone could have given us! I told son in law to make sure he shares that text to his whole family so they can see what kind of crap we have been putting up with for years.

Last eve, SD30 goes over to son in law's house in a rage and threatens to call the sheriff. She tells him she cannot believe he could go behind her back and allow her children to see us.(she is the one who texted me that she wanted her children back in DH and myself's life).

So you see, they never change. My heart is not broken. I don't want those two SD's back in my life.

I have saved their texts. Apparently, we have to talk to a social worker (court ordered) regarding custody and guess who's side wants us as a witness?

I just hope the two SD's leave us the hell alone again now.

I am glad that DH and I got a good chuckle out of their ignorance (college educated ignorance LOL!)

Hi Towanda - As you know I

Hi Towanda - As you know I believe in family and it would be unfair to the grandkids if they didn't get to know you and how nice you are. You know, the ole, sins of the - in this case SD - should not affect the children. But, I also know it is hard to deal with crazy people.

Since it is too late, as she is coming hell or high water, make the best of it. Just be cool, polite. If she tries to get you to side with her on her divorce, etc., just tell her you don't want to hear it...you don't want to get involved.

But, best of this mess, enjoy the GRANDKIDS! The memories you make that day will be ones that will support what you and your hubby are no matter what she says later.

And, trust me, I KNOW how hard it is to do this. Bless you Towanda.

And if she really is trying to change her spots and reconcile, then your being polite should not put her off. I think you said in your opening that she says she wants to make amends. Well let her, but watch and see if it is real or just BS or wanting something. Nothing wrong with you being polite, letting her make amends, but also you showing you are somewhat (really) skeptical of what she wants. If she is for real, that won't deter her. If she is just, well, playing games, then what do you care. Protect yourself, dear.

They don't want a

They don't want a relationship. Sure, they were cosying up to you in case it became necessary for them to show a united family front in court, but they don't want you in their lives or the lives of their children. They will never completely let you go, they might need or want something, but the one thing they don't want is a relationship with you. Your son in law is the only one who has the best interest of the kids at heart. Support him and see your grandchildren. Your grandchildren deserve that.

I agree with EBU, but I hate

I agree with EBU, but I hate seeing the grandkids not get to know Towanda and spend time with them. Towanda doesn't have to get involved in family court etc. In fact, IMHO, it would be wrong of her to do so. I guess I have the grandkids interest at heart.

Maybe I feel this way because of what we are dealing with with H's son being sick right now and the needs of his special needs son. SS's ex is also a bat on wheels and has been found unfit but is always looking for a way to get the child back....he's her meal and welfare ticket.

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Advice on SD30 visiting Sunday(disengaged)