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Camping Trip Disaster

RB's picture

Was having a fun camping/deer hunting trip with DH and our younger kids. We arrived a couple of days ahead of the rest of the family, found and set up camp and were enjoying ourselves. SD29 and her husband showed up two days later with SD30, her husband and kids. Upon arrival, SD30 insisted that I had given the group wrong directions to camp even though I had texted her and SD29 exact directions to camp. Fortunately, I had DH review those directions before I sent them. SD30's father-in-law had also given SD 30's husband directions to his camp which was close to our camp. SD30 was very put out and would not give up on what she considered were wrong directions even though they had taken a wrong turn and gotten off course. SD30 wanted to know why dinner was not ready for her and her family when she arrived to camp even though I did not know when to expect them and had not said that dinner would be waiting for them. My DH, younger kids, and I loaded up in the truck and went for a drive in order to get out of camp for a while and to allow SD30 to settle down.

The next day we all went on our separate ways to our own hunting areas. In the afternoon we returned to camp. SD30 wanted DH and I to make breakfast. Since it was afternoon I said I was going to make chili and have lunch. SD30 made her and SD29 breakfast (using my cook stove) while I was cooking chili. SD30 did not make breakfast for anyone else, not even her own children. When the chili was finished I told everyone it was done, but that the cornbread was going to take longer than I expected it to (I'd read the recipe wrong), but they were free to start on the chili so they could get back out to their hunting areas in plenty of time.

SD29 was joking about how difficult it was to wake up SD30 and how they would have left home for the camping trip if SD30 would have gotten up and motivated earlier in the day and how hard SD30 was to wake up this first morning in camp. SD29 was commenting about how SD30 flails around and is difficult to awaken. The rest of the family started joking about how difficult it is to get SD30 going in the morning and I was joking along with them not thinking much about it. SD30 quickly became very angry and started calling me profane names. SD30 then brought up how I tried to wake her up one time when she was 15 by shaking her toe (I did so in an effort to stay out of the way of her fists back when she was skipping school all of the time. DH and I were having to deal with her truancy issues so it was important to make a solid effort to try and get her up and off to school). SD30 continued to call me profane names and then told me to shut up and to leave. I told SD30 that she was in my camp, that she was getting upset over something that happened a long time ago, and she was difficult to wake up. SD30 then came over to me and shoved me and told me to shut up, that everything in her life was my fault, called me more profane names, pulled my hair which was in a braid and threw my hair tie in the campfire. SD29 told SD30 to stop acting out and to calm down. SD30 continued calling me profane names and again told me to shut up, then yelled at me from her tent to "shut up you (profane name), if you don't shut up I'm going to come over there and shut you up! I'm going to punch you in the face! You deserve to be punched in the face! You've got it coming!" SD29 told SD30 to stop. SD30 then came over to me and yelled at me in my face some more, "Admit it! Everything is your (profane word) fault!" I told SD30, "Fine, if it will make you feel better, than everything is my fault." SD30 then yelled, "Good, YOU admit it!" I said, "You, know, not everything in life, including your life is my fault." Then SD30 yelled, "That's it, I'm punching you in the face because you (profane word and name) deserve it!" Then I said, "What is really going on is that you have issues with the way your own mother treated and still treats you and since I'm here right now you are taking it out on me because I'm the next best person for you act out on. The family psychologist made this clear to your dad and I when you were 15. If it will make you feel better, go ahead and punch me in the face, but be aware of the consequences that will follow." SD30 stomped back to her tent. I went inside my trailer for awhile. SD30 then came out of her tent and was now in a yelling match, face to face with SD29 telling SD29 how she (SD30) needed to be driven home, "This instant". Home was a mere 300 miles away and they had just arrived the night before at SD29's expense. SD29 told SD30 that she wasn't driving SD30 home and, "You can't always demand things and expect to get your own way. Grow up." SD30 then came over to my camp stove where the chili was simmering and poured 1/2 gallon of cooking oil into it ruining the big pot of homemade chili. Everyone just stood still for a moment (lunch for the rest of us was now gone). Then SD30 came over to me and again told me I deserved to be punched in the face and she was going to do it. She also informed everyone present that I was there to serve her and that was the only reason for me being there. SD30's husband took her by the shoulder and moved her away. I walked over to the trailer and started raising the hitch in order to back the truck up to it and hook it up when SD30 announced "Look at her, she's getting her fat ass work out for the day! SD29 yelled at SD30 "STOP!" DH came over to me and tried to stop me from hooking up the trailer and tried to convince me to stay in camp. I had to remind him of the pact we had agreed upon before we left on the trip that if SD30 acted out we would leave even if it meant leaving our own camp. I realized our kids and the grandkids were upset, so I went into the trailer and consoled them, telling them they were OK, that me and SD30 were just having a disagreement that couldn't be resolved at the moment, and how we were going to pull up camp and move to another camp to stop this episode from continuing. I went out and finished hooking up the trailer. We pulled up camp and moved to a new camp. But before we left camp SD30 yelled at us that we would never see the grandkids again. Which of course, obviously upset the kids, grandkids, and the rest of us.

DH, our kids, and I were mentally and physically exhausted after all of that. It took several days to recover from SD30's toxic behavior. We won't invite SD30 back into our camp again. Currently, SD30 isn't allowed back at our house, I don't want her around my kids, and I don't want her around me. She is scary. I'd be glad to have the grandkids and my son-in-law come over, but not SD30. No one needs to be exposed to SD30's emotional and threatened/potential physical abuse.

Even though this is for the best, I feel it is tearing our family apart. SD30 has been acting out and getting worse over the past year. I'm not sure what her trigger is, but she's been mostly fine since 2011 until this spring/summer and now fall.

Comments

Stepped in what momma's picture

What a horrible situation to have to experience. I can't even imagine dealing with someone like that and if I did the SD would need to be really worried about getting punched in the face right back.

Where was DH when this was going on?

RB's picture

It was horrible. It's been a long time since she has acted out on me, but several times since this spring she has acted out on other family members. This was just the final straw for me.

Apparently, when I was in the trailer DH tried to get her to calm down and she started shoving him around and calling him names, too. He didn't try stopping me from hooking up the trailer the second time. He helped.

RB's picture

When I was in the trailer DH tried to get her to calm down and she started shoving him around and calling him names, too. He didn't try stopping me from hooking up the trailer the second time. He helped.

RB's picture

If it were a stranger and this was happening, you know it. I would have went into protection mode.

With a family member, especially one who has acted out in the past, I always hope that it will stop and that the problem can be resolved so that we can continue as a family unit. Unfortunately, this just escalated and I knew we had to get away from the person who had the potential to hurt us and who was already emotionally damaging not only me, but my immediate family members. It's a different kind of protection. Fight or flight. I chose flight. Let's just get away from the problem.

RB's picture

I agree, she will be excluded from family events until she can behave like a civilized person. That's just the way it will have to be. It's going to be uncomfortable for my DH and kids, and for me. We've got Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up where we all get together, but maybe it will just be my DH and kids this year instead of everyone.

Flying.Purple.Step.Monster's picture

So your DH just stood back and let her talk to you like that? She deserved a slap in the face from your DH!

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

WTF!! Why didn't your DH intervene - what is wrong with him? Why didn't anyone help you. she is a dangerous bully who could have really hurt you.

You should have recorded her and get a restraining order on her! do not go anywhere near her again.

RB's picture

I am still considering a restraining order. When SD30 was between 15-20 years of age she used to regularly threaten me with physical violence. DH and I just assumed that she was having a hard time with teenage stuff and so on. But now, she's 30 years old. Something is very wrong.

RB's picture

We were in a remote location without cell phone service. To obtain service, we would have had to travel out of the campsite.

When I texted the directions to camp to SD29 and SD30 we were in a small town about 45 miles away where there was cell phone service.

WTF...REALLY's picture

Why did everybody let this go on? Why didn't your husband stop her? Why did everybody just watch her and let her behave in such an absurd way?

Ninji's picture

My SO would shut me down if I attempted to act like that. And I would do the same with him. No grown person should be acting like that. Sounds like 1. The whole family, to include SD30's husband, is used to this behavior and 2. SD30 has mental issues, like needs to be medicated mental issues.

RB's picture

Yes, and if I was acting like SD30 my DH would shut me down, too.

It seems to take a few moments to realize what is going on for some reason. The whole family is having fun one moment and the next moment it's been turned into an emotional drama fest with one person totally out of control emotionally and physically. I have to agree, everyone is catering to SD30's behavior and it needs to stop.

I would also agree that SD30 is mentally unstable.

RB's picture

I sometimes wonder, that since his ex-wife acts similar to how SD30 acts and she looks almost exactly like her BM, if he isn't able to put it all together fast enough when everything is going to hell. He was subject to his ex-wife's behavior for 15 years. Undoing that has, and is, taking some time. It is getting better.

I'm surprised SD30's husband has stayed with her for as long as he has. We've had reports from SD33 and SS34 that SD30 is abusive to her husband. At the very least, she is emotionally abusive from what I can see. And, it's hard on the grandchildren. I wish SD30 would get some psychiatric help.

We loaded our kids in the truck, packed our stuff (literally dumping it in the trailer), finished hooking up the trailer and got out of there ASAP. There was no reason to keep exposing ourselves to SD30's drama/abuse. If we would have left the trailer at camp, there is no doubt in my mind that SD30 would have vandalized the trailer.

Disneyfan's picture

SD29 and THREE men just sat there and let this happen???

My fists were clenching from just reading this. I don't know how you managed not to knock her on her ass when she approached you.

RB's picture

I don't think they know what to do when it is happening in their own family and I've never thought of it like that before. It's like we all need some kind of training so we know what to do. If we saw it happening to someone else I bet they would react, and quickly. When it's happening in their own family, they just freeze. Weird.

Disneyfan's picture

*****

RB's picture

Agreed.

She's behaved this way for as long as I've known her. She was 11 when I joined the family. For about the past 4 years she has maintained, but this spring she started back to her old behaviors.

hereiam's picture

Pretty sure my DH would knock my SD on her ass if she pulled this. And he's not a violent person.

That was just uncalled for and completely ridiculous. Your SD30 definitely has some mental issues and that's coming from someone with some of her own! I know how to conduct myself in front of others, though. For her to lose control like that? Yeah, she needs some help.

And until she gets it, she would not be a part of my life.

My DH's oldest daughter (who I rarely mention) cussed out my DH once and that was the last straw (on top of many things over the years). He is done with her. She has 4 kids, 3 of which we have never seen. He takes being cussed VERY personally. People can put up with only so much, even from family.

RB's picture

My DH kept telling me how excited SD30 was about going on the trip, but I was getting the opposite feeling from SD30. She wasn't flat out saying she didn't want to go, but little things she would say prior to the trip made me wonder if she really wanted to go. I was worried about it. The grandkids and son-in-law wanted to go really bad and that was obvious. They should have just left her at home.

SD30 has something going on. She's been fairly well behaved for about 4-years now. I don't know if she was on meds and stopped, or if something has set her off. Ultimately, she needs to control her temper and think about how her drama and temper are affecting others. Maybe she doesn't care?

I can handle being cussed out. What I cannot handle is how SD30's behavior causes other people to feel, such as my kids, husband, me, grandkids, and other family members. That's what sets me off. If someone is upsetting my kids with their own personal issues, now I'm pissed. And that is where I am at SD30.

Delilah's picture

It seems to me that you have endured years of problematic issues with sd30, where she has targetted individuals (in particular you) with her anger, frustrations and problems. While I am completely sympathetic with sufferers of mental health issues, I also believe that this does not give them free reign to behave abusively and destructively.

It appears she blames you, you are her emotional punch bag, her scapegoat, no matter how irrational. That should be concerning for your dh, let alone that sd has escalated to physical assault, threats, harassment and her childrens presence did not even stop her! Its extremely disappointing that your dh did not IMMEDIATELY remove you for your own safety, hook up that trailer and inform sd that he would be considering making a police report. His reaction should have been to protect you from the assault, to take further steps to protect you, to prevent the children from seeing that.

As he seems unable to, or reluctant to face reality, then protecting yourself from sd falls onto you. I would no longer participate in any family events that included sd30, she would never be permitted into my home, around me or my children. I would inform dh of this and that I would not be interested in hearing about her. Tell him this is permanent.

RB's picture

Agreed. After SD30's behavior in camp, as soon as we were safely out of there, we had this discussion - that me and my children would not have anything to do with SD30, that she wasn't allowed in our camp, our home, or on our property. I did not attend a family event recently due to avoiding SD30. As it turns out, she didn't attend. So, I missed out and so did my kids and DH. Unfortunately, that's the way is has to be. SD30 has tried initiating contact with one of my kids, which worries me, but this one knows what to do.

furkidsforme's picture

SOunds like for years the entire family has allowed her to act this way, that is why she knew no one would intervene, and why she felt free to even explode like that.

IslandGal's picture

Are you kidding me?!! I woulda smashed her bloody face in for that..then I woulda kicked my SO in the balls to check they were stil there..then I woulda blasted his entire family for allowing her outrageous behaviour. SO wouldve been told to make his way home with her and be prpeared to live with her. Then, id kick his spineless, cowardly, useless ass straight to the fucking kerb.

notsobad's picture

I am still amazed that all these other people sat there and listened to her treat you like that!!

Only her younger sister said anything. That woman wouldn't be allowed anywhere near me, my home or my family ever again. I'm not sure I'd even spend anytime with any of the other family members either.

RB's picture

I am thankful SD29 did try to help. Although, SD29 put herself in harms way when she did. It's a messy situation for sure. My DH did try to talk to SD30, (when I was in the trailer) but it didn't work out, and after that he was ready to leave as well. SD30 wasn't going to listen to reason or anything else.

It is tempting to retreat and not spend time with anyone in the family except for DH and our kids. I think a little time without everyone being around all the time might be a good thing, and then later bringing the rest of the family back into family gatherings except for SD30.

SD30 always seems to target someone.

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

It sounds like SD29 did try to come to the rescue. It amazes me that her SD felt more compelled that her SO to stand up for her. But honestly, I have a sister who is just like this. And sometimes, she will act out and the rest of us will be stunned for a few moments. But there is no way my dad would let her talk to our SM that way. The last time she tried, my dad grabbed her by the arm and led her to her vehicle and told her to get off his property.

RB's picture

That's it exactly. Stunned. Everybody has the same thing going through their minds, "What just happened here?". It is confusing at first and it takes a few moments for everyone to realize we're about to have a situation on our hands.

My DH should tell SD30 to leave when this goes on. Instead, my DH seems to try to pacify SD30.

notsobad's picture

That's exactly what DH should do. Tell her to leave, help her out the door if necessary, and stop the pacifying.

However, I think I read that SD(30) did tell SD(29) that she had to take her home and SD(29) said no?

I think that maybe a family meeting might be in order. You, DH and adult skids and kids, I wouldn't bring younger kids into this discussion.
You and DH need to be 100% on the same page and set your boundaries.

I would tell the family that her behaviour isn't going to be tolerated any more. That you and DH think she may need some professional help but that it's not up to you to get it for her or to even tell her that she needs it.
That she is not welcome in your home and that you, DH and your kids won't be going to anything that she has been invited to. If she shows up, you will pack up and leave immediately, no questions, no drama, no nothing. You see her, you leave! Nobody is stunned, nobody is confused, you just leave, all of you, DH included.

IF DH wants to continue to talk with her and see her then he does so without you. IF she gets therapy and is somewhat under control you can revisit seeing her and maybe going to events with her but until then no way.

For me this would be a hill to die on. No one deserves to be treated the way you were and no way would I allow myself to ever be put into a position where it could happen again.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Question: Has SD30 every been evaluated for mental problems? Sounds like she is in serious need of therapy AND meds. Speaking of meds, could she be taking illegal substances?

Hugs to you. So sorry you had to deal with that toxic clusterf*ck.

RB's picture

When SD30 was 15 we all went to family counseling together. She was evaluated separately. The psychologist took my DH and I aside and told us that he could not help SD30. The psychologist didn't elaborate beyond stating that likely SD30 would only learn via the school of hard knocks. More information would have helped. We didn't go back for any more visits after that.

My son-in-law has tried to get her to see a psychiatrist, but she won't do it according to him. SD30 is very hard headed.

Yes, SD30 could be self medicating. She has self medicated in the past.

Thank you for your kind words. It was a real mess.