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Adult children

Outlet55's picture

I have just gotten married and have been with my husband for two years.  I have never had any children of my own.  This is my third relationship dealing with stepchildren.  I thought it would be easier with time.  I am very frustrated.   My husband has 3 adult children, 2 girls and 1 boy.  All of the ages above 24.  I came into their lives two years ago.  I’m a very giving person,  I’ve always tried to be there for them, helping them when I can. They accept it at the time.  But as times goes, they tend to forget.   Two of the adult children moved in with us which I had no issues with.  We set some rules, clean as you go, keep your room and main bathroom clean.  Not much to ask.  Both were paying rent and working. Things started not  going well. Always having to ask to clean, pay rent, breaking things without taking ownership.  Anyway, after addressing the issues in a family meeting.  Things didn’t change.  Then, my husband (their dad) asked me in marriage and we both agreed to get wed away, just the two of us and my husbands friends as witnesses.  The two adult stepdaughters resented us even to this day that they were not included.  The oldest, daughter living with us, voiced it a few times.  We’ve had major family discussions.  A lot of disrespect towards me.  My husband voiced his concerns on her behaviour and asked her for an apology.  Anyway, one thing led to another and their dad told the two adult children, they need to find their own place which they have.  One of the things, I find hard to understand and never encountered this in my previous relationships.  The oldest adult daughter stepchild is manipulative, uses people and can have a mean streak which I have seen.  She continuously wants to be involved in his life (not realizing/accepting it’s our life) just an example wanting see our will, which I have said no she can’t to my husband.  He agreed.  She calls him 2-3 times a day, calls upon him for every decision in her life.  I’m having a hard time dealing with that.  He enables her to call him and helps her make decisions.  Not getting it!  I’ve voiced my opinion and he gets defensive and says I talk with my mom everyday what’s wrong with a daughter wanting to talk with her dad everyday.  But that’s not my point.  I feel she is needy and he doesn’t see it.  I even said, I believe you enjoy this since it empowers you and he denies it.  What’s wrong with this picture?  Help  

Harry's picture

He being a Disney Dad.  He really does not have your back. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Aren't female skids the worst?

It sounds as if the eldest is a mini wife, so she's angry that daddee married you. She's lost her place as queen next to daddee in the pecking order, so she's struggling to maintain control and stay relevant in her father's life.

There also seems to be some relational aggression going on. Common stuff when there's multiple females in a dysfunctional family.

Bad behavior often ramps up after the wedding, but a least your DH is drawing boundaries and making an effort to deal with his venomous daughters. Be sure to thank and reward your DH for protecting you. Many of us wish our ostrich Hs would. Other than that, just leave them to it. Don't chase after these women and leave them to their father to deal with.

 

Outlet55's picture

Yes,that’s how I feel.  Very manipulative/protective  over her dad.  She even admitted that she felt things have changed between them.  He’s not the same with her..... The hardest thing for me is to hear the two SD’s say in front of me: that things were better when it was just them and with their dad - which was like 20 years ago..... oh, and dad is not always there for them.... when he has taken their calls everyday.... so frustrating

Kes's picture

I think it's a mistake to have adult kids over the age of 21 living with you - I would not contemplate it unless there was some dire emergency, even for my own bios, and then it would have to be for a finite length of time.  But having let them, and then ousted them, I imagine there will be quite a bit of anger on her/their part - which is indeed manifesting itself.  

Like Julie says - your DH is indeed at least trying to set boundaries.  Rome wasn't built in a day - give it time - you've only been together 2 years which is a short space of time for all these things to have happened.  It took me 5 yrs to even get my DH to stand up to his exW on the phone!  

If SD is calling DH 2-3 times a day on your shared time eg at the weekend - I would ask him to not take the calls after the first one - enough is enough and you need some private time.  If it's on his own time eg at work, then I would let him handle it as he sees fit as it doesn't impinge on you.  

Outlet55's picture

They moved in since my HB felt the guilt that all three kids left at 16 when he was with his ex.  And wanted to help them out so they can get back on their feet.  My HB realized on his own, that it doesn’t work.  

ESMOD's picture

If your SD wants to talk to her dad every day and ask his advice.. that should not be a problem for you unless it is excessive in time it takes away from his relationship with you.  However, if he is actively financially helping her or spending an inordinant amount of time at her place helping her with things.. THAT can be a problem.. especially if you finances are joint and his helping her means your household does with less or has less for retirement.

My YSD talks to her dad daily.. probably more than once a day.  She contacts me fairly frequently too.  She is young.. she knows she needs advice and opinions.. so she asks.  we have no problem giving her our 2 cents.  She also lives alone and probably gets a little lonely at times and likes the connection.  They have always had these calls.. from when the girls were little.  I never got jealous.. and it never was a problem.  It was a bit of his time.. but it was his daughter.. so I was ok with it.

Want2's picture

Really tho what is the gain for you in trying to make your husband “get” that his daughter is needy? If it’s concern for her welfare well it’s not your monkey. But I don’t think that’s it. I think you have a need to control your DH and you need to work on that.

Outlet55's picture

Thank you for your feedback.  Although it’s the calls everyday after she already spoke with him during the day.  Example, yesterday during the day, she texted him, phone him twice while at work - no issue with that - but tried calling him when he was home and we were busy, he didn’t answer then she called a second time,thought it might be important, so took her call.  Nope it was to show him a piece of furniture that she had already asked his advices day before before buying it, and wanted to get his advice again on it, oh and if it looks right where she put it!  Really, come on....

Want2's picture

But who is the one taking her calls? He is. He is choosing to take her calls. You have an opinion about his choice but it’s not your choice. It’s his. He might even agree with you that she’s annoying but he still chooses to take the calls!

You are his wife not his boss. When I hear my SOs phone receive a bunch of texts and look over his shoulder to see adult SDs name I just roll my eyes and go back to what I was doing. Her dumb Daddee I’m feeding my doggies videos, I shrug. It’s whatever, certainly no skin off my arse. 

I just don’t understand women who want to control every last thing. How exhausting it must be. I have enough to control with my own life let alone control someone else’s. 

Siemprematahari's picture

The only person that seems to have control and boundary issues is the SD. Its one thing to call the parent and get their insight on things but to call every day, all day for no reason at all but to be a pest is an issue. She's grown and needs to get her life.

Missingme's picture

I disagree that the dad/her husband should only take one call a day, if at that.  I call my folks at least once a day and I'm well grown!  Now, would I want my husband's manipulating daughters to call that much, nope, because they usually try to finagle money out of him and it works.  Phisses me off to no end!  I wonder if they could ever call just to see how he's doing, without wanting something?  I won't hold my breath.  

Outlet55's picture

You’re right on.  They don’t call about how it’s going with his dad or us.  They are very self absorbed.

fairyo's picture

I agree that the calls seem excessive and I would find them very annoying but...this is between them. I don't sense that she is doing it to get at you, rather that she wants to keep that little princess/Disney daddie thing going. It can wear you down over time- you have to try to get things to do for yourself so you aren't waiting or expecting those calls over analysing them all the time. I like to think that if left alone they will stop these shenanigans but, then again,they may not...

Rags's picture

An adult child knowing what is in their parent's Will isnt a problem.  Asking for it is a huge problem IMHO.

A parent will share if the kid is worthy.  If the parent hasnt shared... then it is likely that they have found that the kid isnt worthy.

 

Outlet55's picture

I have read every comment, feedback and suggestions and I sincerely thank you.  I took time to myself to assess what is the main issue for me.

Since, after two off days between my HB and I, we sat down and talked.

I have asked to reach a common agreement that,  not taking the calls when it’s our date nights, or when we are weekend get away, when we are having dinner or in a deep conversation.  As long it’s not urgent.  Also, as to our private financial affairs including the will.  We both agreed that it is not the kids business to see it,  We have told them in the past our wishes which are stated in our will and we both agreed that’s sufficient.

I love my HB very much and I married him with 3 adult children which are his own.  I agree, I came late into their lives and I am not their SM.  I have tried to be there for them and helped where I could.   I have to work on accepting that if they don’t come to me for advice and support I can’t do anything about it.   Your posts have really helped me to understand and see it through and again thank you.

MissTexas's picture

These are newlyweds who recently got the adult SKs out of their home. One reason(presumably) DH had them move out (as indicated) was to create space, and enjoy his marriage. Just how is that supposed to happen when the SD has DH on speed dial all day long? How is it she can pass the BAR exam, but can't determine which couch to buy? DH isn't going to sleep on it or use it, so why does his vote even count? At least this DH seems to have some sense of boundaries.

As for the silly texts, I can relate. SD will take pictures of things and send them to DH, who is barely cell phone literate, to which he will comment, "I don't know why she thought I needed to see this. " The pictures range from food she is about to eat, to trips she is on, to animals she sees etc. It's bazaar at best for a 40+ year old daughter to think her very actively busy father would need or want to see these pictures. Additionally, f social media is like a play by play or reality show to share with the world for a lot of these SDs. It reminds me of the Dr. Seuss book/line, "Look at me! Look at me! Look at me now! It's fun to have fun, but you have to know how!' Gee whiz! Most don't care what you ate for breakfast/lunch/dinner. Who is so arrogant to think we are waiting with great anticipation to see what YOU ARE DOING?

As for the calls interrupting you "couple time" you need to come to an agreement on how and when that will happen, UNLESS there is a true and real emergency. If there is blood, vehicular damage etc. then take the call at anytime, however, if you just want to have daddeee on an imaginary cord, anytime you want, then nip it. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for the fight, and the longer you fight it, the bigger it will get. IMHO, all these calls are a power play, to show you just who controls DH and runs the show. DH used to take calls while we were eating, whether at home or at a restaurant. I would get aggravated, especially after cooking a meal for 2 hours, just to sit down and wait for them to talk while the meal was getting cold. That is being inconsiderate. If we are at a restaurant, I presume it's because we wanted to share time together. I don't even bring my phone when we go out to eat/church/etc. I want to give my focus/energy and time to DH, and I don't think there's anything wrong with expecting that in return.

As for them seeking you out for advice, drop it. Consider it a blessing, a bullet dodged. It will only be superficial at best if it were to happen. Do you really care if they want your input? To me SD is the gum on the sole of my shoe. I don't care what she's doing, what she thinks, or anything else. Be that duck that lets it roll right off your back.

Focus on YOUR marriage and setting healthy boundaries to keep it successful.

TwoOfUs's picture

Oh I get the phone thing. It’s the thing that finally drove me here to steptalk...even though I’d dealt with much, much worse over the years.

We’d be out having dinner and there would be a flurry of texts from YSD. Granted, she was 15...but it was still so annoying. DH would get this goopy look on his face and text under the table right in the middle of our conversation. Enraging. Sometimes I’d sneak a look at his phone to see what was so important...and it was such nonsense. Strings of memes and vines (those aren’t even a thing anymore!) and goofy pictures back and forth. Not even a conversation of any sort. Gah it’s so aggravating to have your dinner interrupted by constant ping-ping-ping-ping...

Anyway. Now she’s 18 and still sending text storms to her dad. Usually late at night while we’re trying to watch a show on the iPad in bed. The texts come through and literally pause our show...and now DH sighs and seems annoyed before swiping them away...

Whatevs. You created this monster...

sandye21's picture

Real odd how you can go through these phone interruptions for years but when it touches DH and his comforts somehow it's different.  SD treated me like dog doo for decades but when she started punishing DH for staying with me, he suddenly doesn't communicate with her.  No pity for self-inflicted wounds.

MissTexas's picture

It’s a “made you look “ game!

Someone likened it to being at the swimming pool with other moms and kids. There’s always the  kid that’s so attention starved/craving, yelling,@Hey mom! Watch me! I’m gonna go off the diving board!” “Mom! Mom, hey mom, I’m going to dive to get the coin from the bottom of the pool!” All eyes MUST BE ON THESE SD’s! At any cost, at any time! They love knowing they can make dadddeee look!

One time SD was walking and sent DH a picture of a squirrel she saw?!?! Really? We live I. The country where we are surrounded by them! DH shoots them! What rational part of her 40+ year old psyche would think her father would even remotely want to see pictures of squirrels on his phone?! It’s all about “I need to be noticed and know you’re thinking of me!” The figurative result ; a 40+ year old kid at the city pool!

TwoOfUs's picture

lol. So true. 

I mean...I texted my mom a picture of a squirrel once...but it was a rare albino squirrel that lives in her backyard. She feeds it and hadn't seen it in a while and was worried it had been hit by a car. She was away and I was watering her plants and saw it...so there was a good reason! 

But yes. The "look at me" phenomenon is so strange and aggravating. I posted a blog here last year sometime about YSD regressing during her senior year in high school...acting really babyish aroung DH. Once, she even came over with her new hamster she bought and literally proceeded to do the "look at me!" thing. A 17-year-old was sitting on my floor giggling like a 7-year-old while her new hamster crawled all over her and exclaiming: "Dad! Dad! Look at him!!! He's so cute. Oh...he tickles when he walks!! Dad! Look!" 

Meanwhile my husband was barely registering any of this...responding to a client email on his phone (he mostly works from home) and completely oblivious to the nonsense.