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Banned from stepkids doctors office

Stepmom1111's picture

<p>So Biomom recently banned me from having any access to children&#39;s information from doctors office.&nbsp; No appointments nothing. Kids are under my medical case and dad has 50/50 custody. 5 years passed without her taking them to the dentist I had to take them once I got them on my Insurance. Now she wants to ban me from the medical doctors office when I am literally the one who always take them when they are sick. Any advice on how not to let this get to me it&#39;s so hard. Someone&nbsp; who is so hateful I mean my daughter&#39;s father and I have been together for 11 years. Thanks&nbsp;</p>

twoviewpoints's picture

First, remember this is not your child. If Dad has the kids 50% of the time, he can figure out time to schedule his children into dentist/dr appointments and take them himself. 

While I'm sure you have been doing lots of the heavy lifting of raising the kids on Dad's time, seeing to appointments, providing healthcare insurance and all the time and effort that comes with it belong directly on the parents. That's not you.

I'm not sure if you are even married or not. In your profile you declare stepmom and girlfriend of Dad. Stepparents have very little, if any 'rights' especially on topics like medical and legal decision making powers. If you are not married you actually have none. Merely putting someone on your insurance policy does not give you 'rights' .... and you are under no obligation to cover these children. 

Because I'm curious, why did the mother get so angry you took the kid to the dentist if she hasn't bothered taking kid in years?  

AlliK's picture

What ? What does this have to do with anything? Stepmom has every right to be there. This is not a pride and ego battle. Stepmom is a parent too whether bm thinks that or not. Stepmom does not have to prove herself worthy or anything in order to be involved with her own kid. She wouldn't have married this man and put up with crap like this from bm if she obviously didn't love the kids. Married or not. That does not dictate anything.  Bm and birthparents in general, should never have the right to do that . Why aren't bf doing these things ? Because only women are insecure majority of the time. This is disgusting that this is practiced and encouraged by some and many. This does nothing but hinder and violate the child's rights.  

ESMOD's picture

actually.. unless there is legal paperwork giving the step parent power of attorney (medical).. then no the Stepparent has zero right to be involved in the stepchild's medical care.

I understand that OP has chosen to have the kids on her insurance... I'm sure that financially that is probably the best option for her and her husband.. because her ins is likely cheaper than what he can get.. and he is required to see that the kids are covered per the CO.

so.. she could do the nuclear option and say that they can't be on her plan.. but likely that would cost her household more.. so it would be a cut off nose to spite your face action.

Letti.R's picture

I don't feel it wrong for BM to exclude you from any medical care of her children.
The children do have a mother and father who should be taking care of this.
If they don't,  it is not necessarily your job to step in and fill in for medically negligent parents.

If the kids are on your medical plan, I would remove them.
Let the parents sort it out because they do not actually want your help except to pay for expenses.
This is not fair to you.

susanm's picture

Agreed.  Just by virtue of them being on your insurance, you are involved.  So you must remove them immediately in order to make the almighty BM happy.  And when they are sick even in the slightest they must be turfed to BM's house at the first sniffle unless their father is going to take off work to tend to them.  See ya!

tog redux's picture

I'm sure it's a power play for BM, but she does have the legal right to do it. So now, she's just earned herself the job of taking the kids to all of their appointments, even on the father's time, if he's not able to do it.

Frankly, you shouldn't be doing all the heavy lifting for a child who has two parents.  I'm all for 50/50, but I personally think that if a child's father is not going to be the primary parent, the child should be with the mother during that time.  I don't get why the courts give men 50/50 when they are just going to dump the kid on their wife or girlfriend.

Anyway, along with that, let them know you can no longer provide insurance.  BM and DH can pay for their care out of pocket.

elkclan's picture

Totally agree - as a BM myself it burns my hide these guys taking 50/50 and then dumping them on a girlfriend/ wife who doesn't actually even like the child let alone love them. No way should a kid have to be sat in household of resentment. 

My ex did sweet FA of the childcare when we were together, raged when I had so much as asked him to hold his infant son when I wanted to take a shower, and then wanted 50/50 basically because he just didn't want to pay CS. I was soooo angry. 

tog redux's picture

I'd fight that tooth and nail as a BM.  It's fine to have wife/GF help here and there, but no way should she be the one watching them all day, or taking them to appointments, or whatever - unless BM can't do it and is in agreement with her doing it.

Also don't really get why the wives and GFs agree to it, but that's another blog. 

MrsStepMom's picture

Ya I would tell my ex that his time with the kids is for him to parent, not drop it on the SM. It isn't her job and it isn't fair to anyone involved.

AlliK's picture



It's not calling dumping on their wives or girlfriends. It's called parenting and having teamwork with the significant other in their lives. It's that mentality right there that casues these issues in the first place. The father has an absolute RIGHT to delegate who he deems fit to care for his child when in his care. To view this any other way means that it's typically fueled from a place of anger, insecurity, and jealous majoriyof the time. 

KellyRea's picture

Agree AlliK! When I married my husband this year, I knew what I was getting myself into. I watched my parents be a team growing up and have no intention of doing anything different then that in my marriage.. just because I did not give birth to my stepdaughters. Fact is, I work from home and my job is much more flexible then my husbands. BM has all but cut my 13 year old stepdaughter out making her the black sheep of the family. She has lived with just us for over a year and a half  with mom attending nothing at school and hardly sees her. BM only takes issue on her well being whenever a medical appointment is involved and its me that is taking her or picking up a prescription. 

Nottakingit's picture

Definately get the kids off your insurance if you aren't allowed to take them to the doctor. That's bullshit. Our insurance is a hit to our paycheck, plus the copays and deductibles.

MrsStepMom's picture

No your husband and her failed to take them to the dentist for 5 years. Where was he?? It isn’t all on BM. 

Our BM failed to do the same for years even though kid was on her insurance so we couldn’t take him here as it would be out of network. Eventually we took him and paid. We couldn’t afford it but his care was priority. Your husband could’ve done so too. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Your husband can change what she said. He just has to sign to allow you access. BM tried this with me and failed miserably. If that doctors office won't change it, change doctors. Tell BM if she pulls this crap again you will take them off your insurance. 

evilstepmom217's picture

100% spot on. Also, there is nothing wrong with you and your DH agreeing that you will take the kids to appointments. That is YOUR family and the two of you can run it how you see fit. Being a blended family is a pain in the rear end at times, but it doesn't mean you don't love your DH and your SK's. You don't just jerk them off your insurance because BM does something ignorant. That's sinking to her level and contributing to unneeded stress for the kids. Bottom line, she can't do this. Have DH go in and submit a new HIPA form, and if the doctor office doesn't comply then switch providers. Justmakingthebest said it perfect.

tog redux's picture

If BM can't do the appointments, then DH should do them - and fight for full custody.  It's not a stepmother's job to do all of this.

sunshinex's picture

Just don't worry about taking your stepkids to the doctor or dentist. That's not on you. 

We have SD full-time and I don't have her on my insurance or take her to the doctor. BM tries to remind me of things she needs to see a doctor for and I remind her to tell my husband. My husband is forgetful, and quite honestly, not the best at keeping up with stuff like that. I handle it for my son. The way I see it, if something goes wrong at an appointment, like some crazy vaccine reaction or something, I shouldn't be the one who took her. I'm not getting blamed for stuff like that. It's up to her parents to handle her medical care. 

The only time I got involved was when she was far behind on vaccines and I was pregnant. I called to make an appointment and handed the phone to my husband to make sure it got done because there was no way I was letting her lack of vaccines put my future child at risk. 

STaround's picture

How much will that cost your DH.  You are under no obligation to provide insurance, but I suspect he is under obligatin (full or half).   

Whether dad can execute a HIPA form to allow you to talk to the doctor -- need more information.   The mom may go back to court and object.  Can you take the kids to the appointment?  Likely.  Can  you be in the room?  She may object.  



Siemprematahari's picture

So basically your good enough to have the kids on your health insurance but not good enough to have access to their medical records...............

I'd drop them off my health plan quick. I know its not your H's doing but I'd let BM and your husband figure this out. I'll be d@mned if I'm paying for health insurance and taking them to doctor appointments but not allowed to know their health information.

Rags's picture

WTF? She can't ban you from shit.  You can take the skid for medical and dental care all you want on  your DH's visitation time.  His time, he can secund his rights to you and BM has zero say about it.

Tell her to STFU and crawl back under her slime covered rock at the bottom of her shallow and polluted gene pool.

People like this idiot piss me off.

I took my Skid for medical care, dental care, registered him for school, put him on airplanes for visitation to SpermLand, signed for him when I picked him up from the airport, etc, etc, etc.......  The SpermClan harped regularly that I was not his dad but they could say and do absolutely nothing about how I cared for my Skid when he was with us which is where he was 87%+ of the time.  The SpermIdiot was CO'd to provide insurance for the Skid and never did until 10 years after he was CO'd to do so. When he did he tried to get his CS lowered.  The court laughed at him and continued to force him to pay for a small portion of the cost for me to cover him.  My employment has always provided top of the line coverage.  When he finally did provide coverage it was crappy and the court chose to recognize and continue that I stepped up and the SpermIdiot didn't.

Do not let BM overstep, do not let BM influence or interfere in your family's dynamic and for damned sure do not let her have shit to say about the medical and dental care of YOUR Skid when YOUR Skids are in YOUR home on YOUR DH's CO'd time with HIS children.  If the kids are sick when they are with BM she can get them the care they need.  Other than that, she gets absolutely zero say in the medical and dental care of the children when they are in your care on your DH's time including how you participate in that care.  You provide the Skid's with insurance. BM should gratefully kiss your ass for making up for her failure to provide medical and dental coverage for the kids she supposedly cares about.

You and your DH are equity life partners and together you are equity parents to any children in your home regardless of kid biology.  Together you provide for your family inclouding medical and dental coverage and care for YOUR Skids.  You and DH provide, BM does not.  Nuff said.

IMHO of course.



MrsStepMom's picture

Well legally yes she can. No other woman would be handling my child’s medical care unless it was an emergency. 

Rags's picture

Dad can extend his authority to anyone he wants during his time with his children. Including his wife.

BM can splurt, blurt, demand, and whine all she wants.  A judge would laugh her out of court for that crap.  

Dad can authorize his wife access to the doctor no less than BM can demand that the doctor not allow StepMom to initiate care.  At worst the doc could just tell them all to find a new doctor for the Skids.  Dad and SM can take them to any doc they choose during their time with the Skids.

Goodluck's picture

Why did you decide to pay for every ones health/dental and vision insurance?

Its time for the bio parents to pay for it.  BM does not want your involvement, so give her what she wants. Oh and do NOT go backwards...what I mean by that is...don't sign their kids back UP when she tells you that she is sorry and didn't really meannnnnn, that.

IT IS THAT simple.

Harry's picture

Drop SK from your insurance. And disengage totally.  Let BM and BF figure it out.

As a SM you have no legal rights to SK.  Your rights are the same as that person walking down the street.  medical people just don’t want to get involved with the law and law suit.  So SM and SF are looked as abuisers first,  Medical people as Hospitals are worried that you are abusing the child first and pressuring child to keep quiet first, not trying to help them

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Remove them from your insurance et al and disengage. Not your kids, not your ex, not your responsibility.


I'm in a similar boat: I'm dating a widower and (as such) I have no real legal access to the kids: I'm not their guardian (and wouldn't be, even if we were married, unless they were formally adopted by me, I believe). It's frustrating. I had to get the department of education (seriously) involved to let the junior high give me the forms for DAD to fill out to sign up one of the girls for after-school homework club! 

We both work full-time, but he makes more than I do and has less flexible hours: I'm happy to take kids (3 of them) to doctors now and then or drop something off at school -- but you wouldn't believe the CR*P I have to take (from school, guidance department, doctor or therapist office) to do it!

MommyT's picture

If you are married, schools will give stepparents paper work as long as the CO doesn’t exclude you. BM tried to exclude me but wanted her hubby to be able to pick up forms. Courts don’t work like that. 

AshMar654's picture

My husband had to fill out forms a the doc office. If your DH or boyfriend has shared custody he could tell the doctor it is ok for you to have the information. There is a way around all that where BM will never know. If you have on line health network portal. Most health networks are setting these up these days. If he has the login and password you can get it from him and gain the information that way.

Also if you have an on-line account through your health provider you can see everything that has been submitted to the insurance. Since you are the insurance holder you are legally allowed to access that. If they have shared physical custody your DH can notify doctor you are allowed the information.

MommyT's picture

If BM doesn’t want you in the doctors office then legally you can’t be there but she can’t have anyone else there either if DH doesn’t want. HIPPA is pretty clear.

Rags's picture

She can't ban you.  You are their SM, you have full rights of en loco parentis when the Skids are with you.  If BM even tries your DH can list you as authorized to engage care and access their records with their doctors.  As the holder of their insurance you can also gain access to any of it. 

HIPPA may make it difficult but you have any number of access channels to engage med care for  your Skids and access their medical information.

BM can F-off.

Mandy45's picture

What if theres a accident and you cant get hold of either of the bio parents?. You let the kid suffer or worse because your not allowed to get the child medical attention. Like with me usually my SD mother or father will take them to doctors and so on. But there has been times when they havent been available ive done it. Because it what been best for the child. Even though me and SD mother have our issues she trust me enough to be able to make a sensible choice if my SD need medical treatment. If they are not available you never know when kids will get sick or brake a arm or something. You need to bring this to the bio mother attention. In the end you may not be blood but you are the child guardian still responsible as a adult for that child if something was to go wrong. It just petty bs on her part really.