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Mothers day still stings

auntyjoy's picture

<p>So I moved in with my boyfriend who has three kids aged 3-7 three months ago. The biological mom has skitsofrenia and does not often help with the kids, although she continually demands money from dad. When I first got here there were severe behavioral problems. Biting, hitting, screaming for wants and needs repeatedly, meltdowns that could last for hours, crayons on the walls, floor tore up because kids destroyed it, filth everywhere. It was a nightmare. Dad has a big heart but his role has been passifying a crazy woman for 15 years and does not take the lead on anything. He was so overwhelmed he didn&#39;t have a sex drive for the longest time. I stepped in and all those are behaviors are literally halved to non existent. It took so much work, more than the real mom ever did. All that and I was still overlooked on mothers day.</p><p>On mothers day we made a date plan. Last minute he decided it was more important that they see their real mom, even though she said she didn&#39;t want to see them until he dropped a TRO against her. He gunshots off thinking he can please both women and predictably gets back too late to make our dinner plans. Hurt doesn&#39;t even begin to describe my feelings. Thanks for the reminder that no matter what I do I will never be their mom. I don&#39;t object to her seeing them. I object to the last second displacement of my person, poor planning, and the fact that she has given nothing but abuse on this family, whether directly or through neglect, for years and still, I just got the most solid reminder in the world that I am the accessory in this story.</p><p>His ass got to sleep on the couch for a couple of days. His brother got mad at him when he called up for support, then contacted me to ask if I was ok. Which was very sweet. The man bought roses, bought a heart with a special engraving on it. Also sweet. But the damage was done.&nbsp;</p><p>To complicate things, I feel close to the kids I really do. I think with proper attention they&#39;ve got bright futures. But I don&#39;t feel like &quot;mom&quot; I feel like aunty, which is what they call me. A couple of times they called me mom and I corrected them. I was surprised I did that. But I know in my bones, as much as I care I am a mentor, not a parent. But I am doing the job of a parent. I am worried if I stay I will always feel this way, and if I leave father will backslide into the passive mess he was in before which isn&#39;t what the kids need. I want the best for them without being drained myself. Do stepparents always feel this way? Does it get any better? The family has completely taken over my life, and I care but like I said it&#39;s so overwhelming. Advise?</p>

ndc's picture

Your boyfriend sounds like a mess.  He can't parent his kids properly, he didn't do the work necessary to get his kids under control (you did), and he's shown that his priorities are screwed up.  Does he show appreciation for you at other times?  Do you feel like an important part of the family most of the time (even though you were treated poorly on mother's day)?  If not, then you're probably being used and this man and his family are not worth the huge effort you're putting into them.  Fear that the family will backslide into the mess they were before you came onto the scene is NOT a good reason to stay, BTW.  That's not your problem.

auntyjoy's picture

Thank you for your response. The answer is yes I am appreciated. He lets me make the rules, most major decisions, consistently checks in my wants and needs. But in a way that is part of the problem. He is a severe pacifist who is happiest pleasing others. It was cluelessness more than anything else that led him to try and take his kids to see her last minute. Then he expects sympathy when drama goes down. I told him everyone else can see the bus coming, its not my job to save you or comfot you its your joob to quit stepping into harms way. I care him about him, but there has been so much I feel like a kindly friend steppiing in to help out. He is responsive, but the state of the kids and the house wasn't just the mothers fault. I'm trying to help him see that his passiveness is hurting everyone around him and he needs to sack up and take care of the little details.

 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Run!!!

Rags's picture

This situation is a forlorn hope.  Your BF and his toxic spawn are beyond salvage IMHO. Particularly when he is prioritizing his X over you.

Not a sustainable situation IMHO.

Move on, take care of you.

auntyjoy's picture

Kids arent toxic and neither is man. This is just what happens when you dont take an active role in your own life, it tends to run over you. Kids are actually great especially now that the behaviors are better. It was made clear to the boyfriend if he ever does something like that again I will leave. 

Men women sometimes it works sometimes it doesnt. More what I am worried about is that I have invested so much time in the kids and its given good results. Can he do the same with or without me? That is the question that burns. I love him but I am losing respect.

Cbarton12's picture

I mean literally your post is describing a toxic person. But if you want to continue in that situation that is your prerogative 

auntyjoy's picture

Fair enough. I also dont believe in playing the victim. I am here by choice. Lets just say I have a time limit in my mind for miole marker improvements. This chat is for seeking out which expectations are realistic. I am rather surprised though lol, I didnt think everyone would tell me to run!

Harry's picture

It’s your choice to allays be second to BM.   BM will always be in there life, BM will always have Mother’s Day with her kids.  You will always be second to what BM wants.  Just say.   BM is number one,  BM will always be number one