Failing to Settle
Quick Bakground:
My SO has two amazing tween boys. We have the boys 3-4 nights a week and we all get along (I don’t know how we got so lucky). We have been living together for two years.
BM is the problem. They are trying to reach a fair settlement without going through a nasty court battle. BM refuses to set a custody schedule. We get to see the kids when she has plans. This is usually the weekend. While I love having them here, I haven’t had a video game free Friday night in well over a year. She claims it is unreasonable to have to plan her life around a schedule. It is also difficult to suddenly rework dinner to suit the kids when I find out they are coming over that night while we are still at work.
The BM also has some very unrealistic ideas about CS. She currently makes about 25% more then my SO but is requesting approximately 35% of his income in CS. She is also requesting he cover the expenses for the clothing, school supplies and most extra curricular. He agreed to sleep on a friend’s sofa after she left him and pay this to help her get on her feet. That was three years ago.
Every conversation about a schedule or adjusting CS turns into a huge debate about how we are planning to screw her over. I am worried if he signs off to what she demands he is going to put himself in long term financial jeopardy and consequently me as well. We are planning to marry if we ever get this paperwork signed.
I feel like I need to discuss the financial health of our household as well as the scheduling sanity. I also feel that I don’t have a right to interfere. I love the him dearly and the kids as well. I struggle to know where my line is. He knows what she is asking is unreasonable, but fears she will drag this out in court for ever. Do I let make a bad decision so we can get on with our life? Do I have a right to say anything at all?
It was a mistake for you to
It was a mistake for you to move in with this man before he'd legally and completely tied up the loose ends of his previous relationship. Now you've given up both leverage and autonomy, so he has no motivation to finalize things.
You have every right to draw some boundaries and express your needs. Men respect women who have standards, so tell him that he has ___ days to handle his ex or you're out. How can You plan a future when You don't know what the financial situation will be?
You don't need to hang around every Friday night, either. Get out and live your life! He may be too weak to say no to BM, but you're under zero obligation to put up with that ish. if she dumps the skids on him unexpectedly, go spend time with a friend. Don't be so pliant and available. Have fun with friends and other activities while your bf has visitation. Maybe that will motivate him to deal with his ex.
This wasn’t the plan.
Oh trust me this wasn’t the plan. SO is an old friend. I wanted to rent my spare room out for a year, so I could save more rapidly for a down payment on a house. What can I say, I feel in love. In no way shape or form am I saying this was a wise decision, but here I am. For the most part happier than I have ever been. I am just trying to find that line between standing up for myself and being a total B.
DH needs to stop speaking to
DH needs to stop speaking to BM about any settlement and instruct his attorney to get the case in front of a Judge ASAP.
BM has already proven that she is completely self serving and manipulative so it is best to cut her out of any discussions not in front of a Judge.
And for all that is sane, you have an absolute right to structure and defend all aspects of your life. If your FDH does not drag her ass to court pronto, get a CO to structure Custody/Visitation/Support, and keep her forever pummelled into submission to follow that CO to the letter then do yourself a favor, cut your losses and get out now.
Your FDH has already proved that he is BM's victim and has no interest in actually defending himself, his child and you from her manipulative crap.
They are trying to reach a
They are trying to reach a fair settlement without going through a nasty court battle.
What would be involved in a "nasty" court battle? Because unless there is a lot of money, debt, or assets involved, it sounds like like he would be better off letting the courts get involved and straightening this out.
I tell people, know your rights and do your research, and don't let people hold court over your head or threaten you with it. It may actually be in your favor. Of course, the other party doesn't want YOU to know that.
Sometimes, you have to call the bluff.
Let the court sort it out.
Let the court sort it out. She won't get what she has now, though it is possible he could get less time with them. He should keep a log of every time she sends them over so she can't say she doesn't trust him and wants to limit his time.
At the very least, get an attorney and let them haggle out a fair settlement. Otherwise she will keep this up forever.
They've been trying to reach
They've been trying to reach a fair settlement and avoid a nasty court battle for THREE YEARS? And he's paying 35% of his income in CS when he has the kids close to half the time? No. He may be trying to reach fair settlement and avoid a nasty court battle, but she's just trying to prolong the gravy train, where she has total control, more money than she's entitled to and free babysitting on the weekend.
You need to put your foot down and insist that he bring this to a close. I suspect he's one of those conflict avoidant guys, and since you have been patiently waiting and going with the program, the only one he has to avoid conflict with is BM. And he's doing that by giving her exactly what she wants, and more than she would be entitled to if they went to court. Call the lawyer and tell him to get it in front of a judge. If BM wants it to turn nasty, so be it. That's better than being in limbo forever. You have no "right" to push him and tell him what to do, but you certainly have the right to tell him what you are willing to live with, and call things off if he doesn't get this handled.
Get the visitation schedule
Get the visitation schedule into a legal document. Spelled out specifically as you can. She wants it so she can interrupt your lives and wreck you relationship. She doesn't want her soon to be ex happy. That is her true motive. Schedules are good for everyone, adults and kids. Don't let her use that BS on you two. Its a power move. That's all it is.
^^^THIS^^^
And stop accepting the status quo. Ask any long time stepparent, and they'll tell you that nice gets you nowhere.
Thank You
You guys have reiterated what my gut says. She has unrealistic expectations. I have just felt uncomfortable saying that she is taking advantage of him. I don’t want to over step, but I can’t stand to him go through this.
I know if he doesn’t sort this out, I will have to walk away (again this arrangement was never planned). There is the odd line to walk dating someone with children from a previous marriage. There are a lot of things that I keep my mouth shut about (bedtimes, vegetables etc. These aren’t my choices).
My real struggle is this one of those things I shouldn’t have an opinion? I feel like it isn’t, but this is all new to me.
I guess I have just been wondering if I am the crazy one for thinking this isn’t right. Maybe I am just biased because of my feeling for him. Based on the responses, I am not crazy.
Of course you should have an
Of course you should have an opinion!! His failure to finalize his divorce, and your putting up with that, means that you are living with a married man. I know there are some who don't think that's a big deal, because the marriage is essentially over, but legally he is still married to someone else. Why should you be put in that position when he can push this divorce along if he chooses to?
You haven't mentioned your financial situation, other than that he is paying 35% of his gross income to the BM. If you are paying more than your fair share of expenses (taking into account he has 3 people and you have 1), or providing a free place to stay or otherwise subsidizing him, then I think you are well within your rights to bring up the financial aspects of his arrangement with BM. If you are planning a future with him (and it appears you are), you have a right to bring up your financial future as a couple, and how much he is paying to BM has a definite impact on that.
Finally, his failure to resolve his prior marriage affects your day to day life. If you don't know when the kids are coming or how many people you're cooking dinner for, you can't plan and you don't have control over your own life. That is not fair to you as his partner, and it gives you every right to weigh in on the situation. I'm not saying you should have a say in every detail, but in general terms, finances (to the extent he is agreeing to more than the standard CS for your state), visitation (which affects you) and timing affect you and IMO are fair game for you to weigh in on. I think you have been too passive up to this point. You need to let him know that this affects you and you're not going to put up with it long term.
^^^All of This^^^
And I mean this kindly, but please stop assuming BM is 100% evil and your SO is 100% wronged victim. It takes two to make a marriage fail. He has made things worse by not handling his business, which speaks to character. It's not your responsibility to save/rescue him or fight his battles for him. You should be squarely on Team Cajun, and put your own needs first. Do not subsidize this guy!
I never said she was evil
None of us are by any means rich, but we are all working professionals and maintain a comfortable standard of living. No one is summmering in Europe, but we are far from on food stamps.
There is no massive amount of family money or even any debt to argue over.
And please, my SO is far from perfect, but I have never met anyone who tries harder for all the people he cares about. His imperfections balance very well with my own. The balance wasn’t as well with BM.
He worries about what it would do the kids if this goes to court (it needs to). I appreciate that. If we go to court will he see his kids less? He doesn’t like being away from a few days at a time as is.
Yes, the situation is messed up. Does it get worse?
The sacrifices he makes are all his. Bills around here are paid etc. I do spend my money on the kids. Not because I have, but because I want to. (Oh that’s so cute. 11 would love that! Into the buggy it goes).
I have felt funny about pushing the issue. I had no misconception this would be easy. In fact it’s been a lot easier than I thought it would be.
Overall everyone is happy and healthy. In so many ways I have to step back on things. I never thought he would be able to deticate all his time and resource towards me. That’s foolish.
Even though I know I need to say something. It feels kinda selfish. I guess I more wondering if my feeling are normal.
Edit: I don’t even dislike her. We do get along. She is just way off base on how this works.
Has he kept records of when
Has he kept records of when he has the kids? If he's been getting them for 3 or 4 days a week for the last few years, he has the status quo on his side. He should be seen as an involved, equal parent if he's essentially had his children 50% of the time. Nothing is certain in family court, but I don't think he should be as afraid of it as he is. And there's no reason for the children to even know it's in court. That's for the adults to deal with.
oh boy this reads MAJOR read
oh boy this reads MAJOR read flags!!!!!!!! I probably could have written something like this in the begining of my relationship as DH wasn't divorced yet.........I ignored the red flags and it was a huge mistake.
So he is currently paying CS with no court order? And BM makes more? AND he has them half the time?? What an complete IDIOT. That is a HUGE red flag that he is letting the BM boss him around......you will quickly get tired of having another women dragging your husband around by the balls.
Also, he is worried what it would do to the kids if he and his soon to be ex went to court? WHAT?? My guess is the BM is putting horrible threats in his head...another HUGE red flag....b/c now you know you have a guilty daddy and THAT only will get worse....
Sounds like another human who
Sounds like another human who thinks they "deserve" because of some fat pouches on their chest and a lack of a projectile on their lap.
Immediately petition for custody.
or
Make her do it by not returning the children. My wife found out the hard way that without a court order, either of the biological parents can keep children without notice or intent to return them until a court order is established. (It could be months.)