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Bio-mom controlling our time with the kids

mmplummer1229's picture

Hi!  I am so thankful to have found this site.  I have been dealing with a Bio-mom for the past 3 years that has completely made my life hell.  She controls my husband through withholding the kids, and will only allow us to have them if it fits her schedule.  We are having to go back to court for custody modification and she has said that she will agree to more time, but not legally.  I have tried so hard to have a good relationship with her, and I did, to the point where she told people that I was her best friend.  Now that her and i have had it out over their father’s rights, she has started to text him over and over again, begging to go back to the arrangement that we had that allowed her to dictate when we have the kids.  This was only on Thursday nights and every other weekend.  She doesn’t work on fridays so she doesn’t want to have to get up and take them to school. When I put my foot down and said no more going against the decree until it is legally changed, it has caused me to be the bad guy in my marriage.  The bio-Mom has been in and out of the psych ward, and continuously tells the boys that we don’t want them more.  This situation has given me such anxiety that I am now on meds for the first time in my life.  I also want to put out there that we pay her 300 more than the state calculator called for because her family blackmailed my husband when they got divorced.  It was also based on two children being in child care, which neither of them now are.  She says that she will legally agree to more time, if we keep the child support the same.  We can’t afford it!  She has also introduced the boys to 8 men over a 2 year period and has moved them in and out of two men’s homes.  We are filing papers this week to modify things and I am scared to death that we will lose.  I am an elementary school teacher with two kids of my own.  Does anyone have some advice?  I am in desperate need!

OverZoey's picture

Been in this same situation, it will be stressful but stay strong, it'll be worth it in the end. It will put the bully in her place and will take away her ability to control the situation. It won't be perfect but it will be alot better. 

mmplummer1229's picture

Will you give me a little bit of your story and how it all played out?

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

its illegal and should be reported.

mmplummer1229's picture

She has a pocket full of money from her parents.  She threatens us with that mess all of the time 

OverZoey's picture

Request a Guardian and they will usually be fair and make BM give more time and force her to comply. Might as well go ahead and request a child support reduction while you're at it. 

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

Have been in your spot and won. 

Document everything. Communicate only in writing. Get a GAL. Prior to court follow CO exactly. We won 50/50 and requested support reduction to judge and got that too. But it was because he could prove his side and disprove BM through his documents of texts. 

Now on to you - this is his fight. Simply give advise if asked. Disengage from the madness. And set clear boundaries with your DH. He is the parent. She is his ex. All of which means he is to be responsible. Skids and BM are to respect your boundaries and he will enforce them. Or you will never get off of the medication rollercoaster. Believe me, even if you win BM will continue to drag you into court. It has been 5 years and we are on at least court case number 6. 

Thumper's picture

Follow the court order to a T until it is modified. Don't ask for changes and do not offer changes to it. Next: He can ignore her texts unless she textskids are running to docs or worse. Ignore means not respond.


In writing, certified mail, her signature required, return receipts.

DH can tell bm to ONLY CALL him in the unlikely event of a true 911 emergency with a child and leave him a vm giving details pertaining to the emergency and that HE will either go directly to the hospital or call her back when he is able.  He can also in writing along with above aforementioned clearly state that he has decided he will no longer use texting as acceptable form of communicate. HE is however offering her an reasonable alternative. In closing HE is now asking her politely to stop texting him.

Be sure to cc your lawyers name at bottom of letter.

Story--several years ago a BM refused to provide vm so a dh could try to talk to young child. Dad would would not answer. BM told dh she would get vm set up for him.  When questioned in court why she wouldn't provide this low cost option so dad could leave a message "for the child" replied "because it works for us", meaning it works best for her not to have vm.

She was never ordered to get vm either by a Judge.

OP unless your dh has agreed AND it is written within the confines of his court order that HE will answer, reply and communicate via text...and respond to her unreasonable amounts of calls,,,he is not required to respond unless HE feels it is relavent.

He should also be totally chimed in and on board by all means possible with teachers and grades. Online school portals. This way he does not need her as his live line to the kids education. And medical/dental. OF course she can block him.

Texting, cell phones are good for certain things BUT people seem to forget you do NOT have to respond to them. We along with other friends of ours still have a land line. You can get one for 30-40month...give her that land line number to call IF she has to in an emergency, then block her from your cell.

People give UP  many of their freedoms too easily...this is one of them.

You do not need a court order to end that maddness...just tell your lawyer and he/she will pull that elephant in the room and lay it on the floor right away. 'ISNT it true mr dad that after thoughtful consideration you have decided to commuicate with BM in an emergency via voice mail?  And that she can always leave you a message and YOU will get back to her when you are able? YES....and is better for the kids too.