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My 14 year old step daughter hates me

Wine4sanity's picture

I moved in with my boyfriend three years ago.  Last year my stepdaughter heard my boyfriend and I being intimate.  She called her mom on the phone and the mom called my boyfriend's phone and started yelling at him because we were being disrespectful when the kids heard us.  The mom came to our house ans started screaming at me and calling me names and acting like a fool on my driveway.  I didn't say a word because the kids were standing next to her.  
 

She finally left but then called me on my phone a little later.  At that time I ripped her apart verbally.  I even called her the "c" word on the phone.  Unbeknownst to me she had both my boyfriend's kids listening on speaker everything I said to her.  Now my stepdaughter, one year later, will not let it go that I called her mom the "c" word.  
 

we had a situation with her over the last weekend where she was disrespectful to me.  Today we had a chance to sit the kids down and try to fix this.  She flat out refuses to.  My boyfriend and I have a very good relationship but the attitude of hos daughter is ripping us apart.

 

i tried to talk to her today and see what we can do to fix this, to help work things out.  She said she never will and if I don't move out she will be staying by her mom.

 

my boyfriend and I love each other so much.  How do we fix this?  Do I walk away.  He already told me he would pick her over me (i get that).  But it is such bad behavior.  We don't know what to do.  Please help!

SteppedOut's picture

Yea, if boyfriend said he will cave to his snotty teen's tantrum over you, you absolutely should leave. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

He's not "picking her over you." It's not either/or. He absolutely has the power to shut this down. If his committment to you is so weak that it depends on the likely volatile feelings of a teenage daughter, it's not worth it. And the only reason she is trying to make it either her or you is that he has enabled this type of behavior. 

It sucks that she heard you having sex but unless you were screaming while you knew she was close, these things happen and it doesn't warrant either her actions or BMs. And it sucks that she heard your argument with BM but that was between adults and it's really not her business. If it were me i would have a talk with her and explain that you are sorry she had to hear that but sometimes adults argue and sometimes they say harsh things. It doesn't make it right but it also does not affect whether or not she, the child will be cared for and provided for. You and her father will continue to meet her needs as always. And have that be the end of it. Don't grovel and if that's not good enough for your BF, F him! 

Kes's picture

I agree with all that Rumplestiltskin said but have a few things to add. In your biog you said that SD14 has been already holding a grudge for a year.  That being the case, overhearing you having sex was a gift on a plate to her as it enabled her to ratchet up the pressure and get her mother involved.  She'd undoubtedly been waiting for such an opportunity.  Overhearing your father and his partner having sex when you're 14 might be uncomfortable, but it doesn't warrant this ridiculous carry-on.  Your partner should have supported you, he has behaved liked a spineless jelly in all this.   BM should not have called you - you should have her blocked on your phone, or not answered.   Personally if this were my situation I'd be backing off, getting my ducks in a row and quietly looking for a possible exit if he does not step up soon. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Welcome to ST.

In my experience, fourteen is the absolute WORST age for girls. There should be an island they can be sent to for that year.

Forget about the skid and the High Conflict ex for a moment, and focus on your bf. He's doing a sh!tty job of protecting you from his toxic baggage. Also, you have some ownership in all this as you've taken the bait and allowed BM and her flying monkey daughter to drag you into their drama making. You should not be engaging with her at all.

Kes is right: you need to step waaaay back from all things pertaining to your bf's kid(s). Disengage for your own mental health and allow for some time for everyone to decompress, then reevaluate. But Kes is also correct about quietly organizing an exit strategy. A weak partner + a High Conflict BM who weaponizes her kids does not make for a peaceful life.

Misstepped's picture

Most 14 year old girls know that adults have sex. I heard my parents have sex when I was 12. Whilst no one wants to what their parents bang, she created drama by involving her mother in that. A simple chat with you or dad would have been sufficient. Poor little 14 year old SD. She had to make this all about her. Probably at the age where she is already engaging in some level of sexual behaviour if not very close too. Can't image she is the angel daddy thinks. Maybe you should leave him now, in a few years she will be off having fun and he will be alone for choosing her.

tog redux's picture

As always, your SO is the problem here. He's let BM run over him and now he's letting his daughter do it. He should have hung up on BM and called the police when she showed up in his driveway. 
 

He has told you your worth, go find a guy who values you. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

If your BF is unwilling to forge a united front with you and support you, I am afraid to say your relationship is doomed. Teens are tough in general and will test boundaries.  Add in factors like PAS or a BP who allows that behavior, its only going to get worse as they get older.

I would never allow my BS to disrespect any adult. I expect the same from my BF when it comes to his kids. They dont have to like me, spend time with me, be all buddy, buddy with me but, they will be respectful because I am the adult and they are the children. 

 

Rags's picture

Apparently the 14yo SD is the C spawn of the C BM.  Surprise! Not.

So what if a 14yo does not like you? Keep the message firmly in front of her that she only has 4 years before she is purged from your life, your home and any benefits from your collective marital pocket book. (Unless the CO stipulates otherwise.) 

Of course you learned a lesson regarding ranting at the BM.  Right?

Always be cognizant that anything you say can and likely is being listened to by others and potentially recorded.   Use the same philosophy.  If you had recorded BM's invasion of your property and her banshee ranting at you and your DH you could make that regular evening TV viewing time with the SKids. Imagine saying to SD... "remember this!" and replaying her hag of a BM imploding.

Keep your head in the game, play to win, and do not give a 14yo shit for anything regarding consideration when they are the commited and eternally infected minion of a toxic bio parent.

Take care of you.