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Wow!! I love what just happened with DH!

Biostep7777's picture

This is one of those moments you can only hope for with a blended family. I made dinner tonight. Youngest SS never likes anything. I mean anything! It's so hard to feed him. DH told him to try a bite and of course he didn't like it and said "YUCK!" 
DH said "don't say yuck when someone makes a meal. It's rude. You can say you don't prefer it but not yuck" SS  then said "I'm sorry" to me! Whaaaa???? 

I didn't have to say anything!! DH called him out, stuck up for me, teaching him to be respectful and he handled it beautifully! Yay! 

Rags's picture

Shok

Miracles never cease to happen.

Congratulations to you, DH, and the polite iteration of your Skid.

ndc's picture

It kind of makes you wonder .  .  .  if your DH always parented as he thought was appropriate, rather than worrying about BM and court and what a judge would think, would the kids be better off?  Judging by how your SS responded, I'd guess they would.

Biostep7777's picture

Well he's never let them get away with crap but I usually had to point it out to him. So, this was good and he didn't even have to think about it. He just knew. 

tog redux's picture

My DH parented all the time, and my SS was gone from our lives by 15. So it's a bit of double-edged sword. Yes, he behaved well in our home, but it made BM's home look all that more attractive because she had no rules.

So, you really have to pick your poison with alienation.  My DH was not willing to stop being a parent and he knew what price he'd pay for that - and he did.  I'm grateful he picked that particular poison because now that SS21 is back, he respects DH and there's no DH trying to buy his love or any of that garbage.

Biostep7777's picture

Oh I'm sure this is feeding right into BM's hands. She loves to tell the kids they don't need to respect us. If her parents come to a game? SK's are required to say thank you for coming but if it's us? "You don't have to thank them" of course DH tells them to however. I mean how confusing for these kids. We don't even have names to her. It's always "your wife" or "your wife's children" not his step kids, or the boy's step siblings. But, the rule in our house is to be kind to yourself and be kind to others. We expect it from everyone even if it means they don't like us for it. We are not raising jerks. None of them. Not mine, not his. 

tog redux's picture

Right - so your DH has to be prepared that he will pay a price no matter what, he just needs to decide which price. Would he rather have kids who are demanding and manipulative, but do speak to him (if only to get stuff); or would he rather parent his kids and risk total alienation,  maybe for years?

Tough decision, no doubt.  I do think alienation is a long game, though - so if he parents now and demands respect, even if they cut him off for a time, they will have more respect for him when they return. Whereas, if he sets up the "buying their love" way of dealing with it, they will never respect him, and he will be dealing with their extortion for life.

Harry's picture

It's either they eat what you make or they starve.  It's only takes like a day to cure this.  Or DH is in charge of cooking 

early in my marriage money was tight. Real tight .  So what was made for dinner was it.  There was no exter food some meals were really good some dinners where pasta, pancakes or what ever. Your choice was pasta with red sauce, butter or nothing. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I see both sides of the eating thing. I agree that kids need to learn to eat what they're offered, but adults also need to make an effort to accommodate just like they would another adult.

My YSS doesn't like cuts of meat because of the texture. The toughness of tearing through meat makes him gag. Ground meat - doesn't matter the kind - doesn't bother him. So, I know if I want to make baked chicken that YSS won't eat it and I either need to make him a meat product he likes OR make sure he has substantial sides instead. There has been many a night when he has eaten carrots, potatoes, mac and cheese, and a piece of fruit. There have also been nights where we've told him, now that he's older, that he can make himself something or heat up leftovers because I'm making something he won't like.

There will be no point at which YSS will likely get over his meat texture issue. I'm not giving up meat or am I going to eat just hamburgers until he launches. So, I've learned to plan dinner around what works for everyone in the family. I always make sure there is something YSS will eat, but he may have to supplement if he's still hungry.

tog redux's picture

I agree - power struggles over food are stupid. Adults have things they don't like, why can't kids have things they don't like? I wouldn't be a short-order cook or make kids chicken nuggets for every meal, but planning around people's tastes is reasonable.  Or allowing them to make themselves a sandwich here and there if they don't like what is served.

Biostep7777's picture

They eat fast food, pizza and take out every single day at BM's. We are not accommodating that. He is welcome to make a sandwich, I always have cut up fresh fruit and veggies in the fridge and he can have that all day long. He's old enough to make himself something to eat but we are not giving in to him asking for pizza, McDonald's or take out every day. That's all they eat at their mom's house. I cook allllll the time. He likes NONE of it. I'm a damn good cook too. Lol!!! I absolutely love to cook. 

tog redux's picture

I think your strategy is fine. I was referring to those saying kids eat what is made and that's that. 

Rags's picture

Bullshit he likes none of it. He is being a manipulative little DICK!  If my kid pulled that.... he would have starved until he ate what was prepared.  I applaud your foodie skills.  No doubt your DH is a fortunate man to have you chef-ing it up.

Interestingly... when he was a toddler SS-28 would hunt for mushrooms and pick them out of any dish they were in and eat them. Then go back and finish the rest of his dinner. He loved mushrooms.

By the time he got into his early teens, he hated them.  Probably my dad's fault.  He would  raz my mom with "I hate toad stools!" and my likely SS picked up on that during dinner at my parent's home.  SS  would let us know he did not like mushrooms, in a very mature and respectful manner,.  Not while eating but he would throw out a "Oh no, not mushrooms!" while unpacking and putting away groceries. He would hunt them down and pick them out of any prepared dish they were in, and would eat a few but mostly would not eat them .  If they were a stand alone side dish, he would take a small but respectful portion, cut them up into small bites and eat them with a bigger bite of another food item that was served.

We did not torture him with Portobello mushroom cap burgers with mushroom fries,  pickled mushroom relish, and mushroom aioli.

 

Biostep7777's picture

And that's exactly why we don't feed into it. If he says he doesn't like it? DH tells him he's welcome to left overs or make a sandwich. Then nothing else is said. 

Gimlet's picture

I agree.  YSS is 20 and isn't going to grow out of his eating issues (he is talking to his therapist about being more proactive and responsible about his nutrition).  I don't usually cook anything special for dinner for him but he will share sides if they are plain and I stock things he can make for himself, but trying to make him eat like we do would never work.

Since he's an adult I do expect more autonomy.  DH handled his meals when he was a minor.

Biostep7777's picture

The issue is that he literally doesn't like anything. Sometimes he will eat pasta. I always have pasta. I have not found literally a single meal that he likes. He tried to eat ice cream and chips. We don't allow it. We always have fresh fruit and veggies. He will sometimes eat that. He likes hamburgers. We always have that. I have never made a meal ge likes. He just doesn't eat. Oh he likes pizza. After we got BM's statements for discovery, we know why. Everyday they are eating fast food, pizza, take out. I cook. I love to cook. He won't eat anything unless it's fast food or pizza and no, we are not doing that! Once in a while? Sure! But he eats that crap literally daily at BM's house. We are not accommodating that. 

Biostep7777's picture

Oh I agree. We don't cook a whole other meal. You don't like it? Make a sandwich. Eat some cereal. Nobody is making another meal. 

JRI's picture

Some of my SKs had food fetishes, too.  Or maybe my food was too unfamiliar, or it was a subtle way to oppose me.  I was too overwhelmed to make any special meals, I just made my ordinary dinners.  Disney Dad would sometimes hand out dollar bills for fast food, within walking distance.  Whatever.

Flash forward 45 years.  SD59 is still picky, is often hospitalized for anemia, lives on Pepsi and Hawaiian rolls.  When she lived with us recently, she ate my meals wolfishly and said, " I didn't realize you cooked".  Duh.  SS53 has broadened his horizons and now eats many foods.  A nutritionist somehow made him see the light and he's off the fast food.

After seeing obesity issues in my original family, I adopted the policy of not commenting on what the kids ate.  The food was here.

 

 

Texashley33's picture

My annoying SS would always gag while eating my food, when he was younger. His BM didn't cook big meals..she would take him to McDonald's, and give him those tiny happy meals, that had barely any food..and she would also let him starve at lunch at school. The teachers felt sorry for him, and let him eat cheese sandwiches for lunch.  So I find it pathetic that I would make huge meals and he would pretend he didn't like it. Now he's 17, and told his therapist that I "rarely cook". What a liar. I cook spaghetti, tacos, hamburgers, cookies, cakes, bacon and eggs, pancakes, etc.. And he seems to forget it.  I'm glad the therapist put him in his place though. The therapist said he's jealous bc I cook more for my much younger children. Umm it's bc they can't cook for themselves!

bananaseedo's picture

Why would he starve at school?  The state provides lunches if they can't afford it.  That sounds a little off.  If she didn't want to pack a lunch (perfectly ok as there is school lunch) why didn't he do that?  

Texashley33's picture

She would purposely not put money in his lunch account..she was mad that my DH no longer had to pay child support bc she was remarried. She spent the money on new clothes and cars and her 2 girls she had with her second ex husband. She also didn't tell my Husband he was without any lunch money..bc BM kept that info from him. The school felt bad for him and gave him cheese sandwiches to eat. Sad that BM would let that happen.  When my Husband found out..he started putting money in his lunch account, and she also lost full custody for neglect and etc. 

Texashley33's picture

Here in Texas you have to sign your child up for free meals, if you can't afford it. BM didn't do that..she let him starve. The school didn't let him starve..they gave him cheese sandwiches..but that was it. 

Rags's picture

It is sad that this kid has such a POS as his BM who would let a kid go hungry ever school day for lunch.  However, I completely support the Texas mandate that the parent sign the kid up for the State lunch program.  At the very least the honus is on the parent to .... adult.  

Oh how I wish that the courts would put their foot up the ass of idiot CPs like this BM. CS includes food for kids.  A CP that starves a kid that they are received CS for... needs to be in prison.

Grrrrrrr!

Texashley33's picture

Oh and when I started making him school lunches..BM found out and then told him to throw all my lunches away at school..and he was dumb enough to listen and starve. She would tell him I poisoned his food! So evil. 

Texashley33's picture

Oh and I forgot to add that..whenever BM heard I was making spaghetti..bc she would ask SS what I made..she would try to one-up me and make spaghetti, and then eat it with him at the park lol. Im so glad she is no longer allowed in any of our lives anymore, but I wish she would take her selfish ungrateful son with her. 2 more weeks and he will be 18!

MaryBethC's picture

Good on DH. When my OSS was younger he would say awful things about my cooking but left his plate clean *hmmm*

 

Some SKs are just rude to be rude or brainwashed by BM

Biostep7777's picture

Yep. I'm sure she cooks sometimes but they eat out most of the time. Then they come here and the first thing they ask is to door dash some fast food. As I'm COOKING. DH is like "uh no. We have food here" 

Lilmama's picture

The food issues! My partner and the BM made the 8 year old sd a vegetarian. That's fine but she basically eats nothing no one would consider a dinner meal: plain pasta, raw veggies, fruit. She rejects a new food or one she used to eat every single day. I refuse to make separate meals so she gets whatever I have laying around: bread, raw carrots, nuts, etc. Her parents seem fine w this but it is a real problem that they are choosing to ignore. She can't go to camp, eat school lunch, because she doesn't eat anything! Nutritionally, she will survive but socially, she's going to get made fun of. Oh well.......disengaging!