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Why cant we all just get on.

Frankie's picture

Hi Guys you have no idea how glad I am to find this site.

My partner has 2 girls from a previous relasionship.

I have family members who I have watched bring up children by them selves, its not easy and takes alot of work and I am the first to jump to the defence of a single mothers but my partners ex I can honestly say is spiteful a complete control freak she lies and I really could go on and on.

She tends to go through stages were she wants him to have them when it suits her she wants him to get envolved but again only when it suits her, when she doesnt want his help she is completly opposite and regrudges every minute of time he has with them and hates it if they conme back saying they had a nice time.

She has reported him to the CSA for none payment luckily enough we had receipts proving not only does he pay but he pays more than he should. She stopped access before this for reason like he had pictures of them(protected and secure) on facebook, she sent him a text saying he must take them off until they ae old enough to make up there own mind if they want to be on there. Now this may sound reasonable to you however she has pictures of them on facebook her friends have pictures of them on facebook and so does her partner. My partner wouldnt take them of so she stopped contact we have several texts to prove it. She then got a sols letter saying we were going back to court and once again we got a text saying she never stopped contact he just never bothered to pick them up and hes selfish because she had to rearrange all her and her partners work shifts around becuase he couldnt bebothered to see his kids."she sent this even though she new we had texts proving she had infact stopped contact but she lies and she twists everything" She also told everybody that he never bothered. Which resulted in us going back to court and eventually getting regualar access.

He used to have them for tea everyother week and everyweekend ( this was at her request as she went out)unless of course she had stopped contact but as soon as she couldnt get a babysitter she was back on the phone. When she got with a new partner she asked if my partner could have the girls every other weekend so she could have a full weekend with them. He thought about it and said yes thinking that it may bridge a gap between them end some of the hostilily and felt it was good for the girls in exchange he would have them one extra nite for tea. This worked well for a while then one evening when he had them she rang said her mum was on her way to her house to see the girls and she wanted them home now. He said no it his nite and he couldnt get them back that quick. This resulted in her stopping the extra teatime visit and the other teatime visit she insisted that unless he had them back by 6 he wasnt having them at all (my partner leaves work at 5 so as you can imagine it was useless). Her excuse was that the times ruins there routine. This of course was rubish as he had been doing this for nearly 2 years and it was her that requested the dates in the first place. Of course this was only an excuse and the real reason was because he said no to her so she wanted to punish him.

Since she has had a new partner she has told the girls to call her partner daddy to use his surname and tells the girls to not to listen to my parner and that they are part of her and her partners family and not ours.She has also tryed to change there surname on several occasions once to hers then to her new partners. She has now been told by the courts that she cannot change there surnames but she does still tell the girls they can pretend to have her new partners surname if they want to.

My partner has often helped out when he can he pays more that he should plus extras through the year for stuff. Has them extra takes them to school/hospital/doctors etc etc but there are occasions when he has to say no like over xmas he was ill she text him saying he has to come get the kids as she is going to kill them but of course he was ill and couldnt so I text her to explain he was in bed but would text her the next day. Early the next day she text saying as he ignored her the day before so he can pick them up early when he is next due to see them as he didnt bother the day before.When infact she new he was ill because I told her. She still went on to tell everybody that he didnt want to see them that day. When infact he wasnt suppose to have them anyway but him being ill and it not being his day she missed out of her story abit like the face book saga.

She really is so confusing she wants her new partner to be daddy doesnt really want my partner in there life but when she gets in certain moods or her parner isnt around shes on the phone.

I am so sorry to ramble on there are loads and loads more stuff I could tell you I just needed to get it off my chest.

AS I said 9 times out of ten we do accomadate her but when we say no she tells everybody he doesnt want to see his kids and hes no fit father of course people must think hes awful. When infact its her being unreasonable always swoping and changing her mind and leaving things til the last minute.

Ok end of rambing my question is we have had it all sorted in court now and she doesnt go against it. shes just going down the routes of trying to turn the girls against him and slagging him off to anyone who will listen with her lies. Is there anyone out there who goes through the same thing how do you ignore it and not take it all to heart my partner is such a kind and good man he doesnt deserve it, we have gone through so much this past two years I feel as if I want to get hold of her and all these people she has told and tell them the truth. Of course I know I cant but god its hard. How do you ignore it and just get on.

Thanks for listening guys I know I have rambled on but its the first time in 2 years xxxxx

epgr's picture

How old are the kids?
We have always felt the need to defend ourselves to the kids, her lies and bullshit she put in their heads was outragous. We do defend ourselves whenever possible... BM will say she is coming to get the kids and then never show, then tell them their dad wouldnt let her.. we have learned not to do anything over the phone.. everything is in texts or emails now.. and if the kids are mad then they are shown the text or email where their dad asked her if she wanted them.. she always has to be asked, she will not ask to come get them, it is the kids saying they want to see their mom, so he asks if she will.. but most of the time comes up with a reason she can not come and then blames us. Before we started showing them proof she was not being honest the kids were always mad at us, screaming asking why we would tell them she was coming and then tell her not to bother.. it was out of control.
Just be honest with his kids, let them know whats going on as soon as you find out, depending on their age they will figure things out. Dont give them more information than what you have to either and be ready to back up what you say with some proof. We never call BM a liar to the kids, they came up with that one on their own.. a common convo will go like this
kids: why did you say mom could come get us and then tell her not to bother
us: she emailed/texted and said she couldnt come because she has to work (or whatever)
kids: dont lie to me, she told me what you said
us: (getting text or email ready) hmm let me read this again, maybe there was a misunderstanding.. (read it out loud)
kids: so you didnt say she couldnt come?
us: nope, that was everything that was said..

but we never never never call her a compulsive liar to them.. even though she is one..

Frankie's picture

Thankyou for your reply. God it sounds like you put up with one hell of alot. I'm so glad I found this site it just makes me realise that I'm not alone. The girls are four so if they say things that there mum has said they dont realise theres a problem at that age they wouldnt understand.

Sometimes they say things and its as if they want reasuring from there real dad. They out of the blue will say "your my daddy" and give him a big hug u know stuff like that. We have never said anything bad about there mum or stepdad we just live in hope that when they are older they will look back and remeber some of the things there mum said or done and remeber me and my partner were dignified and never put there mum down.

It does hurt how she twists things and makes out she such a great person and so hard done by and me and my partner get it easy.

When infact she has loads of babysitters who often have the girls go out loads live in a rented house with her new partner and baby yet my BF name is still on the rent book because she wouldnt pay the rent so he couldnt take it off her partner shouldnt be even be there they dont do bad for money.

Where as me and my partner have 2 jobs are in debt due to sols bills and bills we have paid for her cant afford a home of our own and never seem to get a moment alone with our little boy.

I just hope what the saying what goes around comes around is true.

The top off was when she went round telling her friends my partner left her when infact she was having an affair with one of there partners lol.

Thankyou again for writing to me I hope it all gets easier for you to. There are times were I can get away from my hell as the girls arnt always with us but for you it must be harder. What I will say is you can guarantee the kids know what you do for them they are just taking there anger on the person closest. When they are older you will be close to them and there future children and the mother will loose out due to what she is doing now I guarantee it.

xxxx

epgr's picture

We make a point to do something with our kids.. without my kids (which is not a big deal they are 21 and 19) and without his kids. Every minute of every day is pretty much planned out, we have our hour a week, alone time with this one, that one, with these 2 or those 2..

I do believe that what comes around goes around.. my ex, who cheated on me and ended up marrying her found out not to long ago she was cheating on him with his best friend, his life is miserable and pathetic.. my husbands ex..well she has been in and out of jail, homeless, lost any custody she had of her kids (she only gets them now when they agree), she had a kid gave it up for adoption, had another one less than a yr later and kept it, the father now lives back in africa cuz he was deported after serviing 2 or so yrs for selling drugs, she now lives with her unemployed craigslist boyfriend and his 3 kids.. well the kids hate her so they have moved back in with their mother. I have been a step mother for almost 10 yrs.. at some point it has to get easier.. lol

At 4 yrs old it will be hard.. just let them know when he is going to get them.. if it is every other weekend, tell them I will see you in 2 wks, I will call you on wed... and anything she says will be second.. because they were already told what was going to happen..
It took my kids a few years to learn what their dad was.. but they did and now he is suffering.

belleboudeuse's picture

Google "Parental Alienation Syndrome" -- that's the name for what your partner's ex is doing.

There's a lot of information on line about this. Some of it will give you techniques for coping with it.

The way we deal with it is this: we do not speak ill of the kids' mom. But we reserve the right to counter her lies with the truth. That's a good guiding principle.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved