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Advice Please

Frankie's picture

Hi Guys I havent been on here for a while as i have had computer problems.

In first post (about 6 weeks ago), I explained my situation breifly. We are basically at the situation now where my partners ex cannot stop contact or use the kids as a weapon due to our day at court. She has however changed her tacktic by slagging daddy of to the girls at every possible moment and trying to make him an outcast.

We try our hardest not to make things worse by questioning the girls just try to explain things nicely without being horrible to there mother or to be honest we just ignore it.

One thing we cant ignore is the fact that the girls at her request call her boyfriend daddy. They love there mums partner as they do me and my partner does not want to start an argument or to tell them not to call him daddy as it may upset them if they go against there mum.

He would however like to explain the differance between him and there mums partner just so they no theres a differance as the way there mum talks to them about it you would think that he was there real father.

Me and my partner have a child so does there mum and her partner and the girls are 4 years old.(just a bit of background)

Can you help us ie any ideas about how to put it or has anyone else had the same problem.

Thankyou xxx

dsngrl's picture

yeah, thats not right.. a boyfriend? please.. and what is going to happen when they break up? you cant just take "daddy" away.. that is wrong.

Frankie's picture

Thanks for answering.

Dont get me wrong we really try hard to see there point of view and from my point of view I wish I could, so at least then all I would have to contend with is my partner which I could do lol.

His ex is just trying so hard to make him an outcast she tells them not to listen to him and that daddy doesnt pay for them her and her partner does (we pay more than we should by the way) and the thing is they are only 4 so are so easily influenced and they spend more time at there mums so hear it all of the time.

We dont slag mummy or DADDY lol off to them in the hope that when they are older they will remember the things she said but at the moment it just feels like we are loosing.

It would be nice just to sit and explain the differances in there real daddy and there mums boyfriend but we dont know how to say it.

Frankie's picture

Hi Guys
My partners daughter told us last nite that there mum said that her partner was there real daddy really as my partner does nothing for them.

It really isnt true guys honest. We have them extra alot when she asks we buy extras we pay more money than we should. We are never horrible about them. Why are they being so mean.

Do any of you have any ideas about how to explain the daddy situation to them. I would so appreciate you help


Frankie's picture

Ok guys what do you think about saying something like I have typed below??????????????

(Daddy just wants to talk about something.

U know I thinks it’s lovely that you love stephen so much and its fine you call stephen daddy but daddy just wants to check you do realise that I am your real daddy like mummy at home is your real mummy. Me and mummy made you but mummy is now with stephen and I’m with sally but me and mummy are still your real mummy and daddy but you are lucky because you have2 extra people that love you who are sally and stephen.)

I have changed the names because I don’t know if anyone will recognise the names.

sadstepmom26's picture

I like putting it this way. They maybe do know who their real parents are, but it needs to be restated and reinforced by both sides.

Frankie's picture

Hi Guys

I am so sorry to nag but noone has a replyed. It could be because you are all busy and stuff which I more than understand as there are alot of people going through worse than me. I would hate to think that people though we were wrong and thats why they arnt answering buy all means if you think my partner talking to his girls is wrong please say I do appreciate any advice..

Adminpleasedeleteme's picture

Smile I've decided to remove myself from this site Thanks for all of your advice! Smile

Frankie's picture

Thankyou Jess
I will pass that on to me partner it definatley is making me wonder if he should say anything.

I do love being a step mum but would never like u expect to be called mummy the good we get from the girls deftinetly outways the bad we get from there mum.

There so funny though I went out and bought them some socks underware etc last week the responce I got was "o there lovely but I hope you realise that in a few years I am going to be a big girl and we need to go and buy bras then".

Thanks Again


TheWife's picture

I don't like this, primarily because something similar is happening to my SD now.

BM had my SD calling her husband "e-daddy." E is his first initial.

Now they are getting a divorce, and the girl is devastated over it.

Sooo, what, her next husband, will he be daddy too?

These women need to get their sh*t together.

~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~

Frankie's picture

HI the wife I just sent you a comment on your blog xxx

After reading your blog I think our BMs are very similar. Then again maybe they all are lol.

I have to agree I just dont understand why they do it if the child chooses to or the BF isnt involved then ok but otherwise I feel its a no go.

I just feel they must be very unhappy woman in there own lives to feel the need to do it.

To me if the kids are happy at mummys and at daddy's and love's both the step parents then be happy about it dont confuse the issue.

I really feel that its only done for one reason and thats to try and push the BF's out.

dsngrl's picture

The only reason that the kid is calling him dad is because the mom is making him/her. The child should be the one to decide what to call his stepparent.. if they are young and confused and start calling them mom or dad, that is when the bio-parent should step in and correct them. Otherwise, it is wrong wrong wrong to force your child to call their significant other daddy.. The only situation I see this being ok, is if the bio-parent is not in the picture at all.. and then, only when they are married, the child can elect to call their new stepparent mom or dad.

oh, and yes, i read what you posted above, and I do think your partner needs to have this chat with them.. I think this sounds like a good way of putting it.

outofplace's picture

I personally would not do anything about it. My SS4 started calling me "mom", I asked him why and he said " Because I want to. You take care of me like mom." I've known him since birth, and have always been in his life, and always will be. Anyway I knew his BM would have a fit, so I reluctantly discouraged it. But my SO had him start calling me "madre" which we both thought was fair. She still had a huge fit.

Anyway, I guess I believe that it should be up to the kid. If they want to call someone "mom" or "dad" even when that person isn't biologically related to them, you should be happy that they have someone in their life that they're that comfortable with. (Forcing a child to call them that is a different story) They know who there real parents are, they're not going to forget.

If indeed your SD was "forced" to call BM's BF "dad", I still wouldn't do a thing, the child knows who her real father is. Even though it's wrong of the BM to do this, bringing up the issue will only spur her on. Sad

Frankie's picture

Thanks for your replys guys dsngrl I have to say I am in agreement with you well in fact and you outofplace a child should not be forced.

My partner would never tell the girls not to call him daddy he wouldnt do that to them.

The girls asked there mum why if they called her partner daddy why they couldnt call me mummy she said that my name is mummy frankie but they must never call me mummy that they must use my second name which is frankie lol. We say nothing and let her carry on its best for the kids. They did get upset at first when she told them to though.

Thanks again guys will let you know what he decides and how it goes.