Where to draw the PAS line?
BM is trying to withhold visitation of the skids while we are in Texas to visit them at the end of the month. She cannot legally do this, as our CO provides for DH's visitation while she is out of state for school (temporary situation). But that will not likely stop her. We can't file anything with the courts until it actually happens.
We've accepted that short of attending a few sports games they're playing in, we will not likely be able to spend any time with them.
DH has told the kids we will be there and want to see them. But my question is, where do you draw the PAS line?
We've kept it very simple and light so far, saying we'll be there to see them and want to spend time with them and take them out, etc. We have made no mention of BM saying they're not allowed to go.
We don't want to cross this line of being just as spiteful and nasty as BM, but we DO want the girls to know we're there and want to see them. They're only 4 and 6, so at this point, they're probably not even considering the fact that their mom might not let them see us. But if we KNOW that BM will not likely allow it, and we're telling them we'll be there, knowing they are assuming they will be allowed to hang out with us, is that PAS too?
In your situation, no that's
In your situation, no that's not PAS. Maybe if you told them.... We want to see you but you mother won't let hansom now we can't take you to Six Flags.... That would he pushing the line. Telling them that you are coming and are excited to see them is perfectly fine.
But on a more general note, I often wonder this same thing. My skids biomoms are total deadbeats. They pay nothing, don't call, don't send anything, and only see their respective kid once every few years. Yet they are very big on making promises that you and I would know are bullcrap. But the skids get theory hopes up everytime and are then crushed when mommy dearest disappears.
I so badly want to be able to help them come to realize what type of persons their bm is and only have reasonable expectations. But I fear that anything negative I say about their bm would boarder on PAS. They have this hero vision of their moms and they see them so infrequently that they've totally forgotten all the shitty stuff when mom pops back up. But I can't say anything bad about mom to help cushion the inevitable fall to reality.
I definitely get what you
I definitely get what you mean.
It's similar, but different for us. We send gifts, cards, packages, etc. and we call very regularly .. BM withholds the stuff as long as she can, dodges phone calls, etc. She makes maintaining meaningful communication very difficult.
When the skids ask why DH hasn't called, he does his best to make it clear he's been trying; but how many different ways can you avoid the truth .. "mommy doesn't want me to talk to you and doesn't want you to have the stuff i send to you".
It's infuriating sometimes .. we sent gifts a while back and if it wasn't for us constantly asking them if they got them, BM probably never would've handed them over.
In this particular case (visting them in TX), I feel like we're possibly setting them up for disappointment. We know BM is most likely not going to let us see them, but we keep telling them we're coming, knowing it's getting their hopes up. I want them to be excited, I don't want to hurt them .. but we can't very well say "mommy won't let you see us" either ...
I hate this.