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When husband doesn't "defend" you...

ownedbypedro's picture

Okay, I promise...not "wallowing in the past" but, having found this great forum and FINALLY having a safe outlet...just going back over some things and wondering...

have any of you ever hand an incident where your husband should have/could have come to your defense and didn't?

Here is ONE example from my life:

EONS ago I was pregnant and had a miscarriage. The skids' bm told them the REASON I had a miscarriage is because I DESERVED IT because the baby could not possibly have belonged to DH because he couldn't have more children.

COMPLETELY UNTRUE OF COURSE...and dh told the boys it wasn't true. Then I said "aren't you going to call her on this?" Well...noooooooo, he didn't want to "upset the boys."

OMG...REALLY? As if the kids weren't already upset by what their mother had told them and he just let her get away with it. I'm sorry but he owed it to HIS KIDS to call her on telling them such an upsetting LIE and he owed it to me, HIS WIFE to call her on it.

Nope...nothing. And so it went for YEARS until I finally got OUT...but I feel like I'll be "in recovery" FREEKING FOREVER!!!

ownedbypedro's picture

Smile Thanks!! I LOVE IT HERE!!

I have often said that DH was the KEY to making our blended family successful or not...NOT ME, NOT THE SKIDS, HIM. Instead he decided that sticking his head in the sand was the way to go. His loss.

giveitago's picture

There's also the possibility that DH is NOT going to cater to BM's manipulations or be drawn into a 'pissing contest' with her. In time the kids will see for themselves, they'll come to know exactly what went on as they come into their 'introspection' phase in life.
Personally, I am big enough and ugly enough to stand up for my OWN self and if I allow DH to stand for me then I am admitting a weakness within my own self. Just my opinion...
I did create my own boundaries with BM, DH has his too. There is also a boundary line around OUR HOME! Like STAY in your vehicle or on the sidewalk BM!
I had to create my own relationships with SKids too, I am not their mother and it took time to bond with them and it was hell on wheels at times but I love them more than they'll ever know. They did not value what I brought into their lives until they were much older, they are of age now and have done some thinking. It all worked out!
I had a miscarraige years ago too, the pain does not go away but it does subside and I recognized that hormones played a huge part in how emotional I was at the time too. Can I ask you to consider that in a highly emotional state the stupid bullshit is amplified.

paul_in_utah's picture

I'm glad that things worked out for you, but I believe that your experience is the exception. Far more step-parents end up having adult skids who never appreciate them. And usually those adult kids are still in full on "hero worship" mode for the bio-parents, regardless of how badly the bio-parents treated them.

Not-the-mom's picture

Yes, I have had those times when my DH didn't speak up when his skids or his mother would say or do something that was disrespectful to me. We were just talking about a situation where his mother (who has since passed on) said something in our home to his kids that was very disrespectful towards me - it concerned something I was doing in MY OWN HOME that she didn't like....I was playing Wii and laughing louder than SHE liked. Blum 3

My husband said I was just fine, but his mother felt it was her place to comment to the kids about it. I wish my DH had said something right then to his mother. How it was very inappropriate for her to direct comments to the skids about how I laughed (which wasn't that loud) in MY OWN HOME!

It can be very frustrating to rethink about all the times our DH's should have stood up for us. My DH and I have had long talks about it, and that is ONE on many reasons we are distancing ourselves from his kids. He has finally seen that he needs to step boundaries with them.

In processing past events, it can help us learn to avoid making the same mistakes again and again.

You are not alone in your feelings and frustrations. Wink

tigerbum's picture

So BM came round the house after school with the children to ask for more money. What she didnt know that i was off work ill that day and sat in the living room listening to her sweetly asking for money for the kids activities right in front of the kids. SO explained to her that why is she bringing the kids round with her to ask in front of them and that is what his maintenance is for ($2300) a month! When she didnt get her own way she lost the plot completely shouting and swearing and basically making a fool of herself in front of the whole street.

She then wouldnt let the children speak with him when he called and spent the next 15 minutes on the phone screaming about me!!!

HOLD UP! What's this got anything to do with me. What because i was helping SO grow some balls and stick up for himself. Since i came along blah blah blah your not the same man (thank god that i did come along) and how the kids are going to ask you to choose between them and her, etc etc. Anyway this went on for 15 minutes and NOT ONCE did he stick up for me or hang up on her or do anything to defend me.

Well i cant really remember the rest apart from being upset and horrified that this was happening. Next thing i know the red mist has come over me and i'm leaping across the room and shaking with anger at him. He didnt understand what my problem was as he thought it would be adding fuel to the fire....BULL SH!T.

Anyway I ended up having a few glasses of wine and emailing BM and she emailed back and we actually moved forward from it. All for nothing tho as me and SO have split up a month or so later. What these BD’s don’t realise is sometimes its too little too late!

Kes's picture

It is outrageous that your husband did not defend you to the vile BM. However, in my own situation, I know that BM is incapable of telling the truth and being honest and decent, and I expect nothing but lies and other foul crap to come out of her mouth. I do not let it get to me.

I realise what happened hurt you a lot, but you should try to put it behind you and not give any more head room to such a worthless person.

ownedbypedro's picture

so, so true. This was very early on when I still had grand illusions of everyone being one bign happy family. Imagine that!!

emotionaly beat up's picture

Yep completely. It is often said that more second marriages break down than first marriages and now I am living this life I know why. I have 3 adult children all the same ages give or take a few months as my husbands three adult children, My kids all good, his sons well they would be all good, but his 30 year old daughter who has a live in boyfriend a new baby and a new home of her own is a wicked evil woman who has said and done so many things to me that I would have banned my own children from my home for if they had ever tried it on just once, but her, no she had to have chance after chance after chance, I needed to give her time, just ask my husband, I needed to understand HER feelings, what that she hated my guts before she ever met me because daddy wages were coming into our home now and not her purse - yeah I understood that all right, daddy needed to understand that one Smile His exact words when she humilated me publicaly in front of friends and family and the humilation was so much I was in tears (more than one occassion),

"why can't you just put up with her crap and say nothing if you didn't say anything or get upset about this it would all be okay."

I have no idea what it is about men and their adult daughters, and I have never seen this bizare behaviour in a bio parent marriage, it seems to be something they save for the second wife. My husband actually got down on his knees and put the shoes of his then 28 year old daughter on her feet, and she stood there and let him .

I am physically still here in the matrimonia home however I am no longer in the marriage. I am now preparing myself for the day when I have my own life. Why, because my husband's daughter was rude to me, NO absolutely not, BECAUSE my husband never once in 8 years said one single word to her about her appallingly rude behaviour.

Now he is depressed because I have banned her from my home and told him if you want a life with your daughter a life that does not include me - go and live with your daughter because there is no way in hell she will be calling the shots in my life or treating me on a good day as though I do not exist and on bad day with more contempt than she would dog poo on the soles of her feet.

My husband has never defended me, in fact far, far worse than that he has actually let me take the blame for things that were his decision. ie; she wanted a new fridge for her new home, we had already purchased a new washing machine for her, and when she said you would buy it but for HER, he said nothing, not one word. In actual fact I had known nothing about her even asking in the first place. But the way he behaved it was convincing even me that I was the reason. I wasn't, he knew damnn well we didn't have the money and instead of saying that he just let her think it was me. He has fuelled bad blood between us and he is the reason I have problems with his kids, he is the reason our marriage is all but over.

The day she turned up on our doorstep and I went to him before answering the door to say she was here and I did not want her in my home again, I said to him either you open the door and tell her or I will. He said YOU tell her Of course that way he got to skulk around in the kitchen where he could hear everything but she could not see him, and I told her I wasn't going to put up with her anymore to leave and not come back. Now of course they stil chat on the phone seemingly about me the bitch not letting her come here and her poor daddy the victim of my control. Nothing to do with her behaviour and nothing to do with his gutlesness. Nope not at all. Smile

ownedbypedro's picture

I have a "pretty decent brain" too, thanks - and horray for you if you wouldn't be hurt that your husband didn't come to your defense over something like that.

No, it was HIS PLACE to handle that one, not mine.

If you are so perfect and so self sufficient, what the hell are you doing here? Come to save the rest of us?

liks's picture

I think that some men married for stupid reasons to horrible women who dragged them down so much they lost their confidence and sense of themselves.....I think that some of our DH's are actually scared of the BM cos she has taken their everything from them....and that they have learnt to be a yes man as its just easier and it makes BM leaves him alone....

Then comes us......well no way are we going to let some bitch speak to our DH's like that....especially ones that took them for a ride

2nd thing is yes...we can stick up for ourselves but, some BM's say what ever they like to their ex's cos they have been doing just that for so long....and its hard to find out exactly what they say.

I would rather my DH go punch the living shit out of our BM if she ever said anything about me without me knowing....which Im sure she has...and I just wonder wot he has said to her about the crap she has said about me....cos I wont have anyone speaking ill of my husband...I hope he thinks the the childish bitches that these BM's are...they need to be pulled up over speaking ill of nice yes DH should say something....just wonder if they are strong enough to...

I would love the slags phone number to give the mole a mouthfull but DH wont give it to me...or let me do this, cos he knows wot Im like....Ill cut the slut up into little pieces just with my words.....and then I would give her number to my ex husband so he can have his say to her over the way she has slandered my kids.....but oh trucks bigger than her pussy leso next time I see her on the road ill attempt to run her over....until then Ill just forget her and worry about my own life which is much more important than her stupid life.!!!!

Auteur's picture

A lot of these "chicken sh*t" DHs prefer to take the "high road" right off the edge of a steep cliff. . .with SM breaking their fall of course.

ybarra357's picture

While I don’t expect my DH to defend me when his neanderthal spawn act feral, it would have been nice if we would have presented a ‘united front’ during these times. He pretty much joined in throwing me under the bus.

When I ripped his fat ass daughter a new one, he had no problems letting me know how he didn’t want me to say anything to her. Tough shit – that bitch had it coming.

emotionaly beat up's picture

ybarra357, yep get that loud and clear. In the beginning I said nothing as I felt Sk's had a mum and a dad. I would tell DH after the visit you need to deal with this or that, it's not on etc., I took a step back out of respect for my husband. However I also would have liked him to have shown a united front, he instead of standing up for me and getting his children to show some respect to both of us especially in our own home chose to accept whatever shit they dumped on him, and HE damn well did throw me under the bus.

He also was horrified when I took matters into my own hands with his daugher, and didn't mind telling me the first time I spoke up to her that it wasn't my place to do that. Now, to be fair, I agreed with him, and told him okay, when you man up and start pulling your adult children into line, then I will happily take a step back, but until that day, I will continue to put them in their place when in my home. He never did man up and take responsibility, my conscience is clear I gave him the heads up on where it was all going, and now SD cannot come back into my home or life ever again.

I guess when we are all saying defend us, we are not looking for a knight on a white horse to safe us, just wanting our husbands to do the right thing when HIS children are opening their smart mouths and being disrespectful to us, and to or DH's as well, because really IT IS THEIR PLACE AND THEIR RESPONSIBILITY TO DO IT, not ours, I think stepping in as the SM often makes things a million times worse, and took the approch that as the adult I knew my place and it was not teaching my husband and his former wifes' children manners and respect, they had parents to do that. However after 8 years I twigged, neither parent was capable of that and then I did speak up. They had all had a good chance and a great run as far as I was concerned. So as I have said before, my conscidence on this is clear, and I am happy with my decision to ban her from my home and life. I think as you put it we all just want a united front, that's not too much to ask.

emotionaly beat up's picture

And that goforit is the problem. It is fine for you to put his sister in law in her place, but do not try it with his daughters that is a whole new ball game. I stayed out of it for years, I gave him ample opportunity to fix it, he knew that, and when I finally gave his daughter a serve, he backed her up. Thankfully not in front of her, but then again, he was absolutley on the phone talking to her the next day and when I asked him what she had to say for herself, he said "We didn't talk about it", so in affect, he let her know by his silence that she didn't have to worry about anything I said. He just rang her up made sure all was sweet and away we went again. I had words with his sister once and he backed me up big time, and that was a trivial one off matter with her, but his daughter out of bounds.

mc6231's picture

There are countless reasons why I fell in love with my husband, and do so again every day. Some of them are that he always tries to do the right thing, he has a clear sense of his mind, and he is consistently articulate about his ethics without being unctuous.
And this is the very reason why his passivity regarding his ex wife (and mother of his first child) hurts me so deeply. The effect of his passivity is not only cumulatively detrimental to our relationship, but is permissive and therefore perpetuates her behavior. The only reasonable explanation I can come up with is he feels some sort of guilt, or worse, he thinks her views to be true(ish). Where am I in that space? Where am I in the heart of a man that doesn't respond when she indicts me over and over again, in any public or private forum she can create?
I understand that he would rather shut down than engage her. I understand that he finds her to be exhausting. But I don't understand how something that we supposedly hold sacred is so easily sacrificed for the sake of sparing some mental or emotional energy. If anyone, let alone an ex, ever maligned my relationship with my husband, or worse, my husband personally, there would be no part of me that could be passive. My ex husband tried very aggressively to insert his opinion about my life and my husband. And there was nothing indirect or passive about my response. My life is my choice, and I choose him. So stand down.
I am so tired of being so hurt by this. I have explicitly described how I feel and asked him to disallow her kind of negativity. Defend us, if that is what it takes. Defend me. Tell her to stop the malice, because the negativity affects our family, affects me, affects our children. And there is no way I will ever have an authentic relationsihp with his daughter if he allows his ex to continue villify me. How do I know? 10 years and counting.
I have no idea, and have never known, where to put the pain that I feel. Not only does he endorse her behavior with his passivity, but he has taken a similar approach in response to my request that he do something. Maybe if he ignores me long enough I'll go away? Now that is a strategey that usually prevails in the end...

Stormyweather's picture

Maybe if he ignores me long enough I'll go away? Now that is a strategey that usually prevails in the end...

YES! This is how men ( but not all) think like and Ive had another man tell me this. It still doesn't make it ok especially when they are able to act on protecting another woman ( who happens to be his own flesh and blood or appease his ex wife) which shows me he is capable of doing it... But alas not to us... His wife.

My counsellor told me that it's possible my DH thinks wives are expendable but his kids are with him forever....And sure I get that but as I said to him to other day in my final declaration of not being able to take it anymore that I understand how he must feel about his kids ( being with him forever) and then wished him luck in them keeping him warm at nights for the rest of his life.... Then he changed tactics and started to agree to things that made ME his wife happy as opposed to ignoring me and focussing on his ( adult) kids happiness!!

So until they get it... It will never go away.

SimplyB's picture

:jawdrop: "there are countless reasons" wow, so eloquent. I could not have summarized my own feelings any better than you did here. I felt like I had read my own thoughts and feelings.

SweetMom's picture

i been In similar situation. I have had 3 miscarriages. The first one I was further along than the others. I know it hurt him too. time does not heal either. Sometimes it makes you resent your h and he can feel it. We let the ex step kid that told me she was happy I had a miscarriage come back after 2 years. H sat her down and brings up my pregnancy all the time and she remains quiet. How much can you punish someone for saying such cruel things? Sometimes you just got to let it go. I'm not saying forget but forgive. There are other ways of punishing someone and that is let it eat away at them for seeing you happy. Occupy your thoughts with other stuff. It's very hard I know.