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What would advice would you give someone who just feel in love with someone with kids?

georgina29's picture

What tips would you give them and what red flags would you tell them to look out for?

Monkeysee's picture

1 - don’t do it!!!!

2 - if they insist this guy/girl is ‘the perfect partner’, then:

Watch for boundary issues between them & the other BP. How do they parent? Disney parenting will always lead to dysfunction within the new relationship, disengagement is not a cure all that fixes everything. What levels of respect does this BP expect their kids to show their new partner? 

Do they get defensive when you mention something about the kids? Do they expect the new partner to just tolerate ‘the way things have always been done’, or inappropriate ‘for the kids’ type behaviours between BP’s. Again: boundaries.

Are they actually over their ex? Can they talk to/about the ex without getting heated? How long have they been separated/divorced?

Honestly, if someone is going to get involved with someone else, it’s almost impossible to talk them out of it, so I’m not sure how helpful lists like this are going to be anyways. But for me those would be pretty important. 

Penny19's picture

When you marry someone, you marry the entire family, kids included. 

Every birthday, holiday, school event----you will be expected to be a part of, like it or not, and this includes interacting with the ex-wife.

Take it from one who knows, the kids will try to play both ends against the middle and you will eventually end up being unhappy and feeling trapped.

You will find yourself faking emotions and smiling through tears. 

When the children are adults, then you will be dealing with bigger issues and even grandchildren. This is where I'm at right now and living to regret it.

Money will become an issue. You will want things but the kids will need money for more important things.

If you bring a paycheck into the house, it's no longer yours.

Things are usually all unicorns and rainbows in the beginning but over the years that changes, believe me. I've walked the walk.

sunshinex's picture

Clarify right away... Are they looking for a mother/father for their child? Or a partner for themselves? If they are looking for a partner for themselves, they should be okay with you setting the guidelines on what you're willing to do or not willing to do. IE. getting the kid ready for school, buying them things, spending money on their future, etc. 

caitlinj's picture

1. Run!

2. If you don't run pay attention to these things.....

-does he/she have good boundaries with their ex? You do not want someone who is constantly fighting with their ex however you also do not want someone who is too friendly with their ex either. Watch out for exes who are still coming over, into their house, their space and hanging out, exes who are calling daily, exes who find reasons to chit chat about non kid related personal stuff. This is a red flag for either unhealthy emeshment with the ex or feelings still being there. This is a situation to steer clear of.

-watch out for someone who is wanting you to be too involved with their kids too much. You should be like a distant aunt or mentor. You should not be like another parent to their kids if both of their parents are alive and involved in their lives. Do not give into pressure of guilt trips to spend time with their kids when you have other things to do that are important to you. They have two parents already who should be there and actively involved. They have the title, they need to live up to it. You are not their parent. Your role is to be cordial to their kids and be a mentor. It is not your role to be free babysitter, free nanny, free taxi driver, free cook, soccer/baseball mom, etc. Watch out for users who are looking for someone to pick up the parenting slack. Also if the kids have two parents who are involved in their lives they will likely not want your involvement in any way (other than to see what they can get out of you). Be aware of this and recognize this. Basically they should be looking for a partner for themselves and a distant mentor who is nice to their kids. If they are looking for another parent for their kids then run. Red flags include being asked to watch their kids, take their kids places without reimbursement, buy their kids things including meals without reimbursment, pick their kids up or take them places in your car using your gas money, cook for and clean up after their kids, etc.  Also do not be used, manipulated or be pitted against the other parents by the kids because you did not give into little Johnny when he asked you to take him trampolining or buy him his 20th video game. Which leads me to the third red flag......

-Watch out for kids who act entitled. Take note if when the kid misbehaves it is not addressed by your SO. Also run if the kid is disrespectful towards you and your SO does nothing about it or defends his/her kid. Run fast if this ever happens.

-Watch out for money problems, large debts owed and struggling finances. Someone should have a steady financial situation before starting a relationship. They dont have to be a millionaire of course or make 6 figures but they should have their credit card debts paid off and a little bit of money saved. They should not be living beyond their means or accumulating credit card debts each month. If they do not they have a steady financial situation they have no business being in a serious relationship and should just stick to something casual. Do not be used.

MrsStepMom's picture

Run. Run far away. Fast. Now. Change your phone number.  Hell move to another country. Change your name. 

Sandybeaches's picture

Most of us here are not seeing a very good side of it. 

I brought a well balanced situation to the table and stupid me thought they were all like mine.  

My ex is great I like his wife well enough and even if I didn't I am mature enough to be cordial.  My son was raised with respect and discipline and turned out well.  Not to boast but it is just the truth.. Never caused me a moment of trouble.

So what did I get Chaos!!! My husbands ex-wife is crazy!  Has harassed us on and off for 15 years!  The kids have nothing but problems and treat my husband and I terrible.  It never seems to get any better.  The hope of what I have on the other side is never going to happen on my husbands side.  

While I love and adore my husband, I would never even date someone who had kids if I had it to do over.  Let alone marry them!!!  

If you must I would say read some of the other comments and look for the signs that are mentioned!!  Walk into it with your eyes wide open.  Any problems that you notice in the beginning are most likely never going away and are probably a lot worse just sugar coated in the beginning!  While I must admit I am sad I feel that way, I would have really loved to be close to my step-children and have a life with them, I had to give up on that pipe dream.  This life has caused me a lot of heart ache over the years!!  

ITB2012's picture

open it up when you wonder why you didn’t listen to all the advice to run, come on here and warn others

I thought it would be fine. It’s not. Don’t do it. Start your own family from scratch.

 

pwoodlson's picture

Start your own family from scratch with a childless person. Stepkids manipulate and have zero loyalty. When stepkids disrespect you, nothing will be done about it and it will only get worse. All your SO and stepkids will do is use you. Real love is a partner who will always have your back and not one who will take up for their kids when they are being horrible towards you. It's never going to be a good situation for you dear. Find real love. It is out there.

elkclan's picture

For me, I personally thought it would be better because I would be with a person who understands MY situation. And so far, it's 100% true. Yes, BM does make my life more difficult in one respect, but in another respect my SO completely understands the problems of dealing with the mood swings of my ex. Both of them are capable of being reasonable. They are just completely selfish and will throw fits and tantrums if they don't get their way.  It has also meant that I have someone who understands the comittment and love that I have for my son - I mean someone who really, really gets it. 

However - I think my advice to someone who didn't already have kids is - think really, really carefully. Just as I thought really, really carefully about going out with anyone who didn't already have kids and also thought really carefully about anyone who had a weird relationship with their kids. 

Siemprematahari's picture

I think most people are answering based on their own experiences so you are being warned to run. I get it though as some of these situations on StepTalk are nightmares. In trying to remain objective at the end of the day its about having a healthy understanding, respect, and creating boundaries. You may have a good marriage with someone who has kids and its all about what you do or don't allow. If your partner is a Disney Mom/Dad that doesn't parent or have your back you know that's going to be a long term problem unless they fix it.

Go with what aligns best for you and do not under any circumstances sacrifice your well being for anyone.

justmakingthebest's picture

Having kids wouldn't throw me off- how they parent would. How they deal with the ex would. How the ex responds to you would. 

I get along fine with my ex. His wife and I talk regularly, friends on social media, share recipies, kids travel, we eat meals together with my ex, his wife, dh and I and our extended families for my kids birthday's. It is really easy. It wasn't always THIS easy, but it wasn't ever crazy.

When DH and I first got together, I didn't realize the level of crazy or evil we would be dealing with. Would I change my life and not have married my husband- NOT IN A MILLION YEARS. He is my best friend. He is a good man, a good father, and a good husband. 

Would it be different if I was childless- probably. Would it be different if he was a crap dad- most certainly. There are too many factors in all of our lives to have a blanket statement about kids. It doesn't matter if they are boys or girls or the ages, what matters is the kind of people the parents are. What morals and lessons and boundaries have been taught? Are they being brought up to be respectful? Polite? Kind? Good citizens of the world in general? -- If the answer is no, then yes. RUN. If the answer is yes, the parentS (both of them) are doing their best, then it shouldn't be an issue. 

Rags's picture

1. You must establish on day one that the equity life partnership at the core of the blended family is the unequivocal priority for both you and your SO.  Before all else including children.

2. As equity life partners you and your SO are also equity parents to any children in your home regardless of kid biology.  You are an equal parent to your SO for the Skids in your home. You are a far superior parent within your home to your SO's X.  She does not count in your home and gets zero say.

3.  Kids never take priority over the partners and their relationship. Ever.  Children are the top marital responsibility but never take priority over the marriage.

4. Any X's don't even register on the priority or importance scale.  Including an X that is a prior relationship breeding partner.  They get no say in the dynamics of your relationship, your family or your home.  They... don't ..... count.

If you and your partner commit to these elements, you should be fine.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.