Relatively New Relationship with sole-custody dad. Red Flags and looking for advice.
Don't know if this would be the right place to look for advice but my boyfriend and I have been dating for four months. Things mostly have been going smoothly and he's slowly been telling me some of his history. He's the sole custody parent of his two children too. Mom left them when they were babies and still has visitation, but not very involved. I've been travelling out to their house almost every weekend to hang out with them all.)
Anyways, this was the month from hell - RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE. It started when I was hospitalized with a uterus infection. He didn't visit me in the hospital (we live about an hour and half from each other) he says it's because he didn't have the money for gas. (I would have paid. Who cares? I just wanted my guy there.) The doctors tested me for STDs I tested negative. They couldn't be 100% sure without a biopsy of my uterus. So I'm a little concerned and a couple weeks later I asked him to take an STD test to be sure, for both our sakes. I didn't really care what the outcome would be - if there was something we'd be treated and done. But no. He then accuses me of cheating on me and gives me the silent treatment for almost 15 hours. I had no idea what was going on. I panicked (think I'm going through peri-menopause too so I overreacted). I can see why he might wonder, but you know insult my intelligence - If I was cheating I would have lied about what was wrong with me and dumped his ass. So I saw red...for three days and yes, behaved a little badly. I also said to him that I'm extremely worried about his lack of trust in me.
Anyways, it's now been over a week and he still has not apologized or spoken to me. He's now in this intractable position that I'm pushy and controlling. Stating, "I'll be nice to him until I"m in a power position and then I'll get pushy with him and the kids". WTF??? Again, there is absolutely no benefit to me in this situation other than I love the guy. I have a more stable career, excellent family and friends, he had a vasectomy so I won't be having children with him. Hell, he's not even divorced yet. Just separated for nine years and only now going after his wife for child support.
Please someone, explain to me what is going on here. All I see is a lot of future trouble for me.
Freaking out to the STD test
Freaking out to the STD test request is normal.
You didn't request the test prior to having sex, the request came after an illness. In that case it's normal to suspect cheating.
This man may not be looking for a long term relationship. He's still married.
I disagree, they've only been
I disagree, they've only been together a couple months so it's possible that one of them had the STD all along. Some STD's show little if any symptoms.
Likewise, he's still technically married but she said that they've been separated for years.
It's also possible one of
It's also possible one of them cheated.
It's pretty clear this man isn't the least bit interested in a long term relationship with the OP (or ant other woman for thar matter). She does all the traveling. He didn't bother to visit her in the hospital.
He still has a wife.
Love is never enough. Move
Love is never enough. Move on to a better person.
My life would have been HIDEOUS if I'd stayed with the "love of my life".
Trust your 'gut' insticts.
Trust your 'gut' insticts. Youre seeing red flags at only 4 month in. What is his 'excuse' for never finalizing his divorce & seeking child support? Does he still love her & hopes she will come back? There has to be a Big reason this man hasnt finalized their marriage ending!!!!! That right there- would be More then enough for me to end it.
I can see how anyone could feel upset & betrayed by their partner asking for an STD test way after the fact. It seems an odd time for all that. Just my opinion
Him not seeing you in the hospital & using the really lame excuse of 'gas money' tho-- oh hun-- this one is Huge!!!! If a man who says they 'love you' wouldnt immediately RUSH to your side in your true time of need?? This was him Blatently telling you it all-- hes NOT the 'one' girl!! Please have enough self esteem to move on from this pathetic Jerk!!! He. Does. Not. Deserve. You!!! He is flat out showing you who HE is! Or better yet-- isnt!! That had to hurt like hell.
Please please please. Move on for yourself, your Dignity & your heart!!! You deserve soooooo much more!!!!! Take this experience, grow from it. Learn from it!!! I fear unhappy days, maybe life- ahead of you if you stay with this so called man. You always go to him too. Find you someone who would move heaven & earth to be with you!!! Not someone who seems to be there out of convenience for himself!!
Best of Luck!!!! Trust yourself & free yourself from him. The man who WASNT worthy of YOU!!!!
Many of us here have said, if
Many of us here have said, if we went back in time, would we do this again??? I don't know any women in this position who would.
You have a chance not to do this. He's not talking to you, ok. Just don't try and let it slip away. You're better off. We promise.
This man is all drama and all
This man is all drama and all about him. Drop the loser and find someone that actually Cares about you.
lol! Thank you. I was
lol! Thank you. I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but there's a lot I haven't told you and the man. Straight up, he needs to get his shit together. This is the first time I've ever dated a single father and our first fight, so I wasn't sure how much was me/him/situation. But the fact that he started gaslighting me made me realize it's him. I'm no longer sorry for calling him a jerk. Boo-fucking-hoo.
Yeah, if I were you, I would
Yeah, if I were you, I would hope that I would see these incidents all as EXIT SIGNS. "Deuces...I'm out!"
Oh honey, there are some
Oh honey, there are some delightful single Dads out there who will not put their kids ahead of a Sig Other. And then there are men who drag their feet and do not find the need to divorce and move on with their lives and commit 100% to another woman. These men will not do anything to put themselves out. They will challenge any attempt to change/alter/adjust their lives because they are very comfortable with the way things are. Which means you do all the chasing and adjusting.
So save the gas and move on. And don't spend every weekend with a guy. A real man will like the chase and the challenge of proving himself. My DH flew half way around the world to get me.
My rule has always been to
My rule has always been to get tested before entering a sexual relationship - especially if you're not planning on using comdoms. There have been a few times that the extra few days we waited while I got an apt to be tested gave me the space I needed to move on!
That said, ask yourself this: You mentioned that you dive an hour and a half to him most every weekend. Does he ever go to you? Or offer to meet halfway?
If your entire relationship is you going to him, catering to his family, and he can't be bothered to check on you when you're in the hospital - RUN as fast as you can!!
Your heart may be sore for awhile, but it will be worse the longer you stay.
RUN! DONT LOOK
RUN! DONT LOOK BACK!!!!!
Find a dude with out kids!!!!!