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Was everyone else's Christmas as crappy as ours?

annoyedSmom's picture

Not sure if I mentioned it, but we recently moved into a new home. All the kids have their own rooms now. Although SS wasn't happy because apparently his room isn't as nice as the others.

I've had it with his attitude. BM is still being a pain. My husband ended giving in and telling her he is willing to take SS for extra time again.

She took great joy in rubbing in the fact that she won. She now alternates between us or my in-laws having SS on her weekends.

My in-laws are completely snookered into the who SS is a poor victim ploy. They cleared out a room just for him. It's really ridiculous.

This is our Christmas to have SS. Christmas day we had to go to aunts. But we are waiting and waiting and SS is still not dropped of yet. My husband goes to their house and no ones there.

So we all pile into the car and drive the 4 hours to my aunt's. The whole drive I'm trying to call BM using my husband's cell phone.

When we are 30 mins away from our destination my husband's cell phone gets a call from OUR home phone!

It's SS. Apparently he was waiting outside our home for an hour and ended up going inside because it was 17 degrees outside.

And how did he get in you may ask? Especially since he didn't have a key?

Well, he smashed the bay window in the front of the house and climbed in. I was speechless.

My husband quickly dropped us my aunt's and drove all the way back to get SS. He was frantic. My in laws weren't in town either. I called my friend in the meantime to go get SS.

SS was angry that he was made to wait outside in the freezing cold and refused to come back to my aunt's. My husband came all the way back to pick up us up the next day. He didn't even get to spend Christmas with us.

My husband also decided to get a separate phone plan for SS because BM cancelled the one she was supposed to be paying for.

I cam home to see my bay window shattered and covered with cardboard. All my plants were dead. Every single one of them. I was so upset.

My husband called the cops but they said it's not a crime. She left a child in freaking 17 degree weather. What is wrong with them? My husband intends to escalate.

SS is at our home now for the rest of the week and he is still fuming about Christmas and it's been a nightmare having him around.

We both feel so defeated. It's never ending. My husband told me yesterday the biggest regret he has is having a child with a woman like BM. And that maybe we should move away to escape the drama.

Congrats BM. You are successfully driving your son's father away from him.

tog redux's picture

But - he gave in. He told BM, essentially, that he would take whatever garbage she dished out to him, and so she will be doing as she pleases.

If he wants boundaries with BM, he has to set them and stick with them. And if he's too afraid to do so, then he has to accept the consequences.  When he tried to set boundaries, BM kept SS away, and that was so upsetting to him that he basically told BM that he would be her bitch, and she is obliging him.

He can't have it both ways.

annoyedSmom's picture

Agreed but honestly it's lose lose no matter what. We both agreed that yes, its inconvinient to have her dump him at our place whenever she wanted. But at least she was mostly out of our hair and SS was happy.

But it seems trying to take a stand in the first place was a bad idea because it's gotten even more messy now. I don't know. I'm so tired of this.

Sticking to the CO was not any better at all. It was worse. Especially with my in-laws getting involved.

 

tog redux's picture

Exactly - he can't have it both ways. So either he sets limits on BM and endures her keeping SS away and involving the in-laws, or he accepts the current behavior of her dropping him off whenever she pleases.

He has to pick his poison. Which one can he live with? He really, really couldn't live with it the other way, it took about a week for him to cave. So he (and you) have to figure out to cope with the current situation. Expect it and plan for it, instead of complaining about it.

Next time everyone is supposed to go somewhere and SS isn't there, take two cars. DH waits for SS while you go ahead with another car. 

This BM is having a lot of fun tormenting DH and the sad part is, SS is just her pawn. But like my SS who is a pawn, he will side with her because she has the power and he fears being on the receiving end of her treatment.  Find your power. If it's not to set limits, then it's to accept the current situation and not let it get to you. Maybe it won't be so fun for BM if it no longer bothers you and DH.

annoyedSmom's picture

Yea I suppos that's our only option. Act like it doesnt bother us. The fact that I need to buy another car because of their bs. sigh.

tog redux's picture

Yeah, or just be prepared to cancel plans at the last minute, or not make any plans in the first place.

It really does suck for you, and I too would be sorely tempted to move far enough away that BM can't do this - BUT, if you do that, she will keep SS away entirely, for sure.

This is a tough situation. Maybe if you are lucky, SS will PAS out on his own eventually anyway.

annoyedSmom's picture

My heart would break for my husband. And for myself. I did grow to love SS. I hate what this has become.

tog redux's picture

Yeah, it's sad - but at some point, for us, being around SS became harder than having him PAS out.  He is just so damaged.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Omg that is so horrible! F Biowh-re and F stepbrat.

Your poor green babies! I would be devastated if my horde of tropical plants perished!

Your “D”H better run out and replace ALL of them and pay for the repair of the window! ;( I am so sorry for your loss.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

That’s a veritable jungle. :( 

DH can run out and find mature specimens of the same species or cultivar at least? I probably have 30 in my house. 

annoyedSmom's picture

I don't know. I dont even want to think about it. Nothing can replace all the time I've spent growing them and the special meanings behind some of them (like my grandmother gifting me one plant).

Iamwoman's picture

SS's solution, instead of calling BM to come pick him up since you obviously weren't home, was to smash the biggest window in the house?

I'm sorry, but SS is insane. Sure, it's 17 degrees. Go to a neighbor's home. Call BM to get picked up. SS found an excuse to be a destructive little a-hole. I would make him pay for the window and the plants. Smashing a window is not ok in any circumstance except a house-fire. He had other options.

No, my Christmas wasn't horrible - especially like this. We sent skids back to BM's early this year. We are done trying to "blend" our Christmases. Skids get to be a-holes, and then go back to BM's and have a "real" Christmas, but DD winds up having one Christmas. One ruined, stressful, Christmas. Skids can kiss my lily-white you-know-what. This year was the first of many years to come where they are not allowed to ruin Christmas with their selfishness, jealousies, attention-whoring, or fill-in-the-blank a-hole behavior. This was my and DD's first Christmas in 7 years that wasn't ruined by drama and skid/ex antics. It was wonderful.

annoyedSmom's picture

As much as i am upset about, I have to give him the benefit of the doubt. Our neighbors arent in a walkable distance. And he only had a tablet with skype. I reset my wifi password a few days earlier because my kids were in trouble.

In the end, I would rather him inside and not getting hypothermia. But it doesnt make it any less upsetting.

I'm glad your Christamas was better.

caitlinj's picture

Maybe not that crappy but close. Skids acted entitled, lazy and rude as usual but as much as it would be easy to blame them it’s not their fault. I blame their bio parents completely for their poor parenting, both of them. Luckily I worked off and on throughout the holidays so I could bail after spending a few hours with them. One can only take so much. Oh and apparently 9 year old has forgotten how to use a fork and other utensils suddenly and how to clean up after himself and both constantly interrupt adults talking. SO also invited me to dinner with his family and forgot his credit card. I would’ve paid except he forgot to order any food for me and just ordered for himself and skids so I thought no I’m not paying sorry. Other than that just the usual laziness, rudeness and entitled spoiled attitudes and behavior.

caitlinj's picture

His dad was there so grandma and grandpa ended up paying for it. I already bought skids some Xmas gifts and paid for some activities we did together. I’m done contributing at this point. Don’t invite me to holidays then use me as an atm/ nanny/ dog walker.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

He didn’t forget his CC nor did he forget to get food for you. You are not a priority at ALL and he is using you for your money and probably for sex and as a chorewoman.

A real man, like my DH, would never neglect my needs like that. 

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

Wow! Definitely not a great holiday for you!

Ours was relaxing. Mostly because I just don't care. Skids can come or go. HCBM can make demands. And all can be ungrateful - but it doesn't affect me any longer. I am completely disengaged and live for me, my bios and my SO. If skids want to join, great. But they don't so oh freaking well!

Better? My SO said many times how great this holiday was. Even he felt the relief of just not giving any of it a second thought :) 

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

Nope! That is why it is so freeing I think. I adopted the philosophy that skids have parents. I am not and don't want to be one of them. So I live as if I am not. I don't care about their behavior, if they speak to me, if they are here and want to be here or not. I have moved on from that emotionally and doubt I would or could go back. Sadly they have destroyed anything I had to give or want to give.

And like I said it is freeing! I couldnt care what they like or don't like. What HCBM has to say. None of it.  I live every day for myself, my bios and my SO. And I have said, out loud at times, like me or don't like me. Either way it is on you :) 

notasm3's picture

We had a great time.  As I'm in a wheelchair this Christmas my relatives really stepped up with helping with the food.  A cousin who hosted last year while we were out of town must have thanked me 100 times for hosting.  No arguements no snits.  No dirty looks or glares.  But then we've never had those.

SS34, his GF and their child were not heard from at all.  DH didn't even get a phone call.  He'd dropped presents off earlier in the month.  Their names were never mentioned.  I don't know if any of my aunts or cousins even know that DH has a son and grandson.  My sister does - but she also knows all and would never mention him.

Gimlet's picture

I've been thinking about you.  I'm sorry it's been such a trial for you.  I'm sorry that BM hates your husband more than she loves her kid.

We're dealing with that now with OSS.  It sucks all the way around. 

((Hugs))

tog redux's picture

It blows your mind, doesn't it, how these crazy BMs treat their kids? And yet, the kids think they are great, and are always loyal to them. I don't get it.

Gimlet's picture

It sure does.

OSS is mentally ill and needs help, and I doubt he will get it.  DH has advocated for years, but all that matters is what BM thinks. 

annoyedSmom's picture

wow thats awful

 

CPS cant get involed?.

markwvualum's picture

Biodad's are just as bad. I taught SS to ride a bike, tie his shoes, skatebord, skate, do his hair,  how to write, etc. I'm with SS 7 days a week and have been there for him during the tough times when he is up all sick, not behaving, etc. I'm the one cleaning up after him, cooking for him, and helping with his laundry. He still prefers his bio dad who is useless in my opinion. Bio dad sees him a few hours a week and will take him to the park, out to eat or play video games with him for a couple hours then bring him home. He goes to his ball games. Big whooptie whoop. There's so much more to being a dad than that but the kid thinks he's the best thing around because that's his dad, he's a kid and he doesn't understand that thankfully. One day reality will hit but it won't hit until SS is well into adulthood and has life experience as an adult. I probably won't be around then because Im not sure I cant stick this out. I'm tired of being treated like I don't exist after doing all that I do for her kids.  If I do Im not sure my health and age will allow me to be.

georgina29's picture

Christmas pretty much sucked this year too. My DH and I didn't get each other anything. I'm tired of giving to people who don't reciprocate so we quit exchaning gifts. I've heard the excuse that he doesn't have money and is in debt. I get it. All of his money was spent on the skids and I contributed some too. They don't act appreciative most of the time so it's a waste really. I'm thinking of doing a spa day for myself and dinner with friends. I even have the money to take a trip so might do so, solo this time. If DH doesn't have the money to pay his way its not really my problem anymore is it? I used to help pay his way but then there is the added guilt he brings on trips with not being with the skids, him not having the money to contribute to activities and meals even and him being too friendly with others on our trips.  I'd prefer to leave that stress behind. I might even take a friend.

barbKarin's picture

Same old. I did my own stuff while my husband moped around all day hoping for some contact from his awful children. I refuse to let him bring down my mood anymore.

Rags's picture

We had a great Christmas. But then again... we usually do.  SS flew in from Germany on the 8th to spend a week in a USAF techy geek brain storm symposium.  We picked him up n the 14th and had two full weeks with him. He is very conscientious in selecting just the right gift for the people he cares about. That is pretty much his mom and I, my parents and when we are all together my brother, SIL and his three Rags clan cousins.

The Skid busted his butt shopping for  his mom, Deema, Deepa and I.  He did well. Very thoughtful, he insisted on spending his own money and his gifts had us laughing and appreciating his efforts. 

That is pretty much how my family has always done Christmas and the Skid is all Rags..... Not genetically but in all other ways.

As for the vandal window smashing idiot SKid and his toxic idiot polluted womb egg donor..... DH needs to tolerate nothing but behavioral compliance from them and own their toxic asses if they step out of line. While dumping  him off in the cold on your front step may not be a crime, his smashing the window certainly is a crime. So... you press charges on the SKid and let BM and DH deal with the legal repricussions of the vandalizing toxic spawn they have cursed the world with.

Good luck.