BM seems to be escalating alienation
It looks like my husband barely making a stand against BM has caused her to up the ante.
First, we got a message saying that SS's phone plan was being downgraded and that means SS couldn't skype/text/call on his phone every two days like is required in the CO.
And if my husband wanted the skype calls to continue, that he needs to provide his own device.
This makes absolutely no sense. Skype uses WiFi at home even if I were to believe he can't call/text anymore. WiFi that my husband is basically paying for due to BM's lies.
My husband decides to send over an older tablet on Wednesday just to avoid more drama.
Then, SS turned down his Wednesday hang out and dinner with my husband which he has NEVER done before. This was told through text from BM. She says he has a project.
My husband tries to call SS but can't seem to get through. Because of plan changes or being blocked I don't know.
Husband still goes over to pick him up but no ones home. He just dropped off the tablet and came home upset.
My husband is finally able to skype SS today morning with the tablet and SS is barely talking, looks sad and giving short answers.
My husband says he can't wait to see him this weekend (actual visitation time) but SS says he doesn't know he can come because of the project. My husband tries to ask what is this project about and that he can do it here but BM makes him end the call because it's time for school.
BM texts my husband after and asks that if SS does come over if she needs to provide food since we don't want to. I was fuming when I read the text.
My husband is panicking and trying to talk to his lawyer.
I am so angry. This woman will never let us be at peace.
No, she never will. Just
No, she never will. Just expect endless crazy. We had 3 years of peace when SS18 was totally alienated, but she's ramped it up for a final race to age 21, when CS ends.
It's not SS's choice whether or not he comes over, he can finish his project at your house. He cannot let those two manipulate him any longer.
Just hoping picking up SS
Just hoping picking up SS tomorrow goes ok.. I hate all of this.
That is so ridiculous! Your
That is so ridiculous! Your DH should just simply reply, that we have never had issues feeding SS. The issue was when we were not only providing child support but SS felt the need to take additional food from our home becasue you didn't have food at yours.
Yep. Dont let the "only
Yep. Dont let the "only record" show you aren't providing food.
^ Yes, don't just let this
^ Yes, don't just let this one blow over. He can even state something like I will not be addressing this ridiculous accusation further. But don't just let that comment hang out in a written thread text exchange.
You guys are right. My
You guys are right. My husband was just ignoring her. I just told him to reply like you suggested. That we do feed him.
"We always have plenty of
"We always have plenty of food in our home. I will pick SS up at the usual time tomorrow."
BM is punishing him. This is what crazy mothers do when they don't get their way. They use their kids as weapons. He has to stay strong and show his son that BM is not in charge of everything.
He sent one just like that, I
He sent one just like that, I am strssing out reading all your comments.
This is all classic alienation.Collect and keep ALL evidence.
Whether it's texts, e-mails, etc. Also tell your DH to keep a diary of whatever transpires over phone conversations or things that his son says.
Alienation is a form of child abuse and your husband needs to address this with the same seriousness as he would physical violence against his child.
He is doing the right thing by contacting his attorney, but that's just one piece of it. If you don't have a child counselor involved, you need to hire one get them involved STAT. They need to evaluate the boy and start coming up with a plan to combat his mother's sick tactics of alienation.
Good luck. IMO, this type of child abuse is more insidious and dangerous than people realize. It can cause severe psychological damage which can affect the relationship between father/son for the rest of their lives. It's especially bad when it ramps up during pre-teen/adolescent time - feelings of self worth, etc. are so important and for a boy to be constantly taught that his father is "bad" can have terrible repercussions.
Do all you can to stop it now!
This is honestly scaring me
This is honestly scaring me now. We can even take him to a psychologist without BM's permission. And she has said no before allt he time.
So take him to a regular M.D.
Have the M.D. ask him a few pointed questions about his overall psychological health and get the M.D. to recommend (in writing) a counselor or psychologist to evaluate him.
If the kid had a broken leg, no one in their right mind would say let him limp around on it and hope it heals on its own. The same goes for his psychological health - if he is conflicted and depressed because of alienation, then it needs to be treated. If he is a teen/pre-teen, this is the time he can be extremely vulnerable to outside influences or his own inside thoughts related to depression.
Boys especially tend to internalize problems and don't talk about them.
There is no judge in the world who would NOT support a medical doctor's recommendation for further evaluation - who gives a damn what the BM says. When it comes to a child's physical and mental well-being, the professionals are going to trump BM's opinion.
This boy's relationship with his father is worth fighting for, so do it.
With the tablets
you can do Facebook calling, Facebook texting. You can make phone calls on TEXT NOW. If there Wi Fi. There is no need for a phone
You need to do everything in
You need to do everything in your power to nip this right now. We sat waiting thinking it would get better for a bit but it escalated very very quickly. Now DH hasn’t seen his kids in 2 years, it is very hard to fight alienation through court if the BM is hell bent on it.
It started the same.... not responding to emails, phone calls, etc. And that the kids had activities. The noose just kept tightening and things just kept getting more and more distant... I don’t know what the answer is because we relied on the courts to help but they haven’t/ or shall I say they barely have. They recognize her wrong doings but do title to nothing to correct it.
Definitely be as proactive as
Definitely be as proactive as you can. We sat back too thinking it would work out and SD would see the truth or that it was just because she was becoming a teen and it turned into us not hearing from her for 2 years.
Do your best to stay in contact with him
DH needs to put his foot up
DH needs to put his foot up both BM’s and the Skid’s asses.
File a contempt motion each and every time BM fails to deliver the Skid per the CO. Drag that kid by the ear kicking and screaming to each and every visitation.
What he or BM wants is irrelevant.
Bring the pain. They will comply when the pain level is right.
Counselors
One word of warning about the counselor - choose one carefully. If the child is truly alienated, he will tell the counselor how terrible his father is and most counselors are trained to believe what their patient is telling them. In worst case PA scenarios, the counselor could recommend that SS see less of your DH because SS reports feeling distressed when he has to see him (due to PA). In general, PA is not well understand and the mental health and court systems don't know how to deal with it.
We deal with PA in that BM has convinced one SS that my DH is "mean" to him and then tries to convince everyone else, including DH that he needs to "stop making SS feel bad." She has also told SS "secrets" about how DH "caused the divorce", when really the only reason BM filed for divorce was because she met someone else, she never would have filed for divorce on her own and neither would DH. Both would have just lived on in married misery, feeling as if they were still societally "successful" because they were "married'. While part of me thinks - maybe if the kid talks to someone, he would just snap out of it, I know in reality that BM has convinced him that DH is always being mean to him and therefore, that's what SS would say to a counselor. We've also banned SSs from having their phones at our house, because they use them to call BM to complain about things at our house, leading BM to send a flurry of nasty texts telling DH - "they're always uncomfortable at your house and never want to be there" and often saying she's going to come over and pick them up early. I know that if given the chance, BM would gladly twist that around as "evidence" that DH was trying to alienate the kids from her, when really, we're just trying to keep the drama out of our home. It stinks and it used to make me feel really bad for DH, but now it's been going on so long that I just resent SSs for engaging in the drama themselves, so I just try to disengage. I'm just preparing myself for the inevitable teenage meltdowns that DH has ruined one SS's life. Really, BM has ruined his life and is doing so, because she needs SS to "need" her for the rest of his life in order to feed her own mental health issues.
This is true too, not all
This is true too, not all therapists help!! Most do, but there was one that really created a mess and took the stance “If you don’t want to see your dad you shouldn’t have to and you have that right to decide”. I think there was something going on between him and Mom to be honest- he was spell bound by her. But anyone who tries to bring reality to the situation or actually work with them then the kids all of a sudden “hate them” and “don’t feel comfortable going to them”. Even the counseling with a BM hell bent on alienating can go sideways quickly.... because if BM feels it is working, or that the therapist is trying to fix things they will start working hard the other way!
Really good point! BM in my
Really good point! BM in my case is a therapist herself and worked with kids in the past. I always wondered how she could help other kids but ignore her own child's needs.
i will say that it has only
i will say that it has only been 1 out of 6 that they have been to that has caused harm.... so not horrible odds. However, if BM just states that they don’t like the therapist or are not comfy with them and just refuses to take them then there isn’t a ton you can do. I don’t know how many it will take before the court sees that BM (who might I add has gone through 8, yes 8 lawyers) is the problem.... and not the therapists, or the lawyers, or DH and actually DO SOMETHING about it.
Had years of BM mental health
Had years of BM mental health problems pushed at us and now her daughter lives with us and doesn’t want to see her which you’d think was great but it isn’t it’s anithwr whole load stress
BM here told DH when they split she will use SD to make his life hell and she has 1000000%
it used to be if he doesn’t do as she says he can’t see SD
then is he doesn’t do as she says she doesn’t want to see SD
Now SD has taken on her mother’s personality problems of if mum doesn’t make loads effort towards me I don’t want to see her.
i tell you if I knew what I know now in 2013 I’d not be in the here and now with this.
sorry you are going through this personally I would scream at you to step back let DH deals oh it try not to get involved emotionally cut off that way BM can’t cause you both problems
liking back I wish I had emotionally cut off then I’d not be so stressed