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Vent, it's so unfair!

jianli's picture

I am a Chinese who has been here since last July. My husband divorced with ex in 2003 with 3 kids who are 13, 11, and 9 year old. Even my husband does not talk about his ex unless the situation comes and I ask him, I still feel US is not like a lot Chinese think------has perfect law. I admit that US has better law to protect kids, but it’s also the law that people can take advantage of. For example, it’s on divorce paper that his ex should work, but she never worked after divorce. My husband doubts she is using the kids’ money on her, but he could do nothing about it, therefore, the US law is not perfect at all. It could be more like perfect if it can force the ex to work and support the child too and also she could show my husband how the kids’ money is spend and saved.

My husband divorce story is really sad. He said when a man wants to have his kids, he became slavery to a woman. However, if he was a Chinese, he would not have had lost so much and hurt so bad.

My husband’s ex was introduced by his aunt, who worked with her at that time. He was 26, and he said he’s been waiting for a good woman so that they can live together forever. Everybody knows her would say she is beautiful and sweet, but that’s just superficial. Just like my mother-in-law(my husband’s mom) said”you can never believe such a nice person could do such thing”. Well, the true ex is an expert to pait herself an victim all the time and make everybody sorry for her. She told my husband her bitter life, parents divorced, mom died from cancer, lived with uncle and being laughed at school ect, which made my husband felt that he’d protect her, cherish her and give her all the best. 9 months later, they got married. It’s after divorce that he found that he was fooled and she made him an evil to his friend and relatives, probably his kids too. For example, he went to bank once for half an hour and she called the office and did not find him, a few minutes later, all his friends knew that he was having an affair, that was what his ex called and told everybody; Once my husband was working on grill outside, she was cooking with his mom, she started telling her a lot bad thing my husband did to her, his mom said she could not believe that his son did all those things, she began angry and tried to explain more to make his mom believe what she said, and his mom said that’s not his son. Just then my husband came back to kitchen, she immediately smiled and kissed him, which really surprised my mother-in-law. I guess that’s also why my husband never thought she could tell so many bad things(actually he never did) to others. Generally a couple would always try to say good things about their spouse to their friend or relatives, not what she did. One of the funniest thing happened right after she filed divorce. One night she said she’d put poison to his coffee, and next day she started calling her friend that my husband was going to poison her. Any one who has a brain would think it’s logical to leave the one who wanted to kill her, especially she already filed divorce, but she insisted living there until her lawyer told her she must leave the house.

When they got married, she told him that her mom divorced her dad, her mom got everything, and left a lot credit debt to her dad and he had to spend a few years to repay it. She said she’d never do it if they have to divorce, but what she did? Less than 5 years after marriage, my husband paid off the house(he bought it before marriage, and he saved a lot money before marriage too as he had a stable job since 18), but the last 2 years, she always complained they were out of money and pushed him to work a lot extra time. Every Friday afternoon, she’d wait in his office to get the check and cash it. As she was in control of money after marriage, the first thought my husband had was that she’s saving money to buy him a big present, but he never got it, then he asked whether he could have the check book, the answer was no. He asked where the money went, she became furious and threatened to divorce. When they divorced, the credit debt was 12000, that’s the maximum, and he did not see any thing she bought and brought back to home. To steal money, she could even neglect their kids. Once on the way came back from his mom’s home, the 3 kids claimed to be hungry(they swim and played in water the whole day, all the had was drink and did not eat much, when they finally sit down, they felt hungry), my husband ordered MAC, but when he was ready to pay, no one penny in his wallet! He asked his ex where’s the money and she said she paid something for his mom. Because of no money, the kids’ got nothing to eat and they cried a lot. All he could do was telling the kids to sleep and they’d be home soon. Later when he called his mom and found out that his mom gave her money back as soon as they came back from shopping. I still remember my husband’s face when he told me the story. He said he was not sad because she stole the money, he was sad that their children were crying because of hungry and she had money in her pocket and she did not take out and buy something for the kids to eat.

The first few years of marriage were not bad unless that she could not work long, either this one was not nice to her or the boss was mean. She wanted a child, and right after she knew she was pregnant, she stopped working and never worked again till now. Before divorce, again and again, she tried to persuade my husband to move to her dad’s place, said her dad would build them a bigger house(my husband felt lucky that he did not listen to her, otherwise, he’d be jobless and homeless now). Anyway, last 2 years of marriage was really torture to my husband. He did his best to save their marriage, because he did not want to lost his children. While he bought at least 4 books about how to save marriage(I found in our bedroom), he saw a paper on kitchen table his ex listed how much money she could get from divorce. Even my husband was a real man and could bear her to steal money, he could not stand her to have affair and he suddenly found out that she is so dirty and he did not want to touch or even see her any more. When my husband came back from work, she’d leave the kids to him, sometimes even threaten the kids’ she’d not come back because they were not good and not listening to her. Then she’d go out shopping, dating. When she came back, the kids were happy and promised her to be good and even they’d take care of her. But it’s really hard for my husband when she came back, she’d chase him around and tell him details about her dating and said she’d feel guilty if she did not tell him. My husband told me that she was expecting him losting temper and hit her, then she could divorce him and took everything away from him. What an insult it could be when she asked my husband to pretend to be her brother when the man she was dating came to pick her up! Anyway, my husband made up his mind and agreed to divorce. They finally divorced after 10 year and 6 days marriage. It could be less than 10 years if my husband was not fooled and agreed to put off the court, but it’s too late. He then learned that his ex would get half of his warefare when he retire just because they married over 10 years.

Before divorce, my mother-in-law accompanied her son to see a lawyer. My husband said he could never forget his mom’s face when she told the lawyer that she was having affair and she could not take good care of kids. She played the computer the whole night and slept in the morning. The oldest, 5 year old took care of rest 2, got them cereal for breakfast. The lawyer told her it does not matter and she still got the kids and half of property. When they asked how they could have the kids, they were told it would cost a lot money and they might still lost the case. Just because this namely “perfect” law, my husband lost his kids, half of his life saving( even she worked a short time, she did not bring one penny back home), including half of the motorcycle his cousin gave to him. My husband told me he sat in the couch many many nights after divorce, thinking what’s the meaning of working hard. He started sawing the wood at age 14, saving money to buy whatever he want. He worked hard for the family and finally she was benefit. He said the court would think the wife deserve everything because the wife sacrificed her carrer to take care of the man’s kids, but what if the wife does not want to work? Any US law about that?

Anyway, if their case happened in China. My husband would have the kids, because the kids should live with the one who has place for kids to live and who has a job to support the kids. If both working, then the other who has no kids should pay the child support. Also the one who has no ability to pay child support have to make concession about property seperation. But if the one who has affair and the other has the evidence, then the one who has affair will not get half of the property as it supposed, he/she would lost most of it to compensate the other’s spiritual hurt and humiliation. Also if my husband could have evidence to show the saving, retirement money, house or any property bought by himself before marriage, she would get one penny from those, only income after marriage. I believe if they divorce in China, she could get even less than 1/10 she got here.

Somehow I feel the law in China mainly judged by morality which I’d think to be more fair. If one did something wrong, he/she should answer for it. If she was tired of living with my husband, she would divorce first, and then look for a new one, not divorce him when she already found one to marry( She married a man who plays music 4 months after divorce and even the last minute of divorce, she told my husband if he could buy her a concert ticket which is 1500 dollars, she would not divorce him).

My husband case make me feel lucky to be a woman, and also I finally understand why he wanted a girl when I was pregnant. Yes, it’s much easier for a woman to live in US. Marry a man who has stable job and a house(like his ex confess to him that she married him because he was the best choice). Then have a child and staying at home not working by taking care of the child, 4 years later when the child is going to kid garden, probably have another one, then the oldest can help to take care of the new baby, and the woman can still stay at home and having fun. If the husband does not complaint, they can live like that. If he is not sweet as before, then divorce him and found another one. The woman got the house and the kids, and the ex has to pay the child support. Even the woman still does not want to work and has not found another man, she can still live on the child support, anyway, she need not worry about debt and starving while the ex husband has to striving for a living as a lot money goes to child support. My husband was lucky because he had no debt when he divorce, the only debt was 6000(12000 credit debt his ex spent in last minute of divorce), however he had to pay for the house again after paid his ex half of the property. The child support takes 35% of the money he could bring back, plus mortgage for the house, 53% money he can bring back are gone and he is remarried, a wife and a new baby to take care, but he only got 47% to spend, 47% which he has to pay tax, gas, power, cable, tv, phone ect, while the other 3 kids has 35% to spend and they don’t have to worry about all other expenses we have to pay. Whenever I thought of this, I do feel it’s unfair. One who does not work can have better life than one who really works hard, it’s sarcastic! The first year I came here, my step kids talked about they were going to built a big house, but their mom need a job first. 6 years after divorce, she got no job even she had a 2 year college degree like my husband. She is taking courses on computer, last year she did not graduated, she told the kids the school cheated her(don’t know how), this year she is not graduated because her husband was having an affair and she could not study. If she does not want to work, there’s always exuses and I feel sorry for the kids to be brain washed by their mom. The pants were too long said it saves money, the shoes were too big said they’d grow to it. I wonder whether the kids ever thought how much money spend on them and whether their mom saved rest of their money. If she did, I believe it would be enough for all 3 of them to go to college. But…… I doubt about it.

Most Evil's picture

Hey, you don't have to tell me divorce laws are unfair - there are a lot of DHs in the same boat as yours, including mine-! LOL

If you are newly married or with your DH, you will think about this a lot at first but eventually you will refuse to give the ex any space in your head. God sees all the things some women do and they will have to face him for it eventually. Meanwhile, just be glad your DH got her out of his life, and you in!

I know you are just venting, I really just wanted to say, Amen! I hear you and I feel your pain. HUGS
"What luck for rulers that men do not think."
Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)

Lelebel101's picture

I've just been told for the millionth time that "I don't know what it's like because I don't have children of my own." it's like a dagger to my heart. It seems my ss appreciates me more than my husband. This is so hurtful, help.

ddakan's picture

I love what you said "when a man wants to have his kids, he became slavery to a woman"

THAT IS SO TRUE!!! I feel like we have been slaves to the evil ex of ours too. All we do is PAY PAY PAY PAY PAY!

I know its frustrating. The ex doesn't work long before she is fired, probably for failing drug tests and goes job to job in retail. She's too stupid to attend college because she cannot understand rational thought.

Hang in there! Hopefully you can be happy with your husband and find some good things to be happy about!! Vent here anytime!!!!