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Vacations

Jcksjj's picture

This has probably been asked on here plenty before - but how do you all handle trips? Everyone together? Separate with each parent and bio kids ever? Or other?

Kes's picture

I have never, and would never, go on a holiday (we don't call them vacations in the UK) with my SDs.  It would truly be no holiday but a sojourn in purgatory.  DH took them a few times to theme parks, once for a week in New York, and a few times to visit his family in the north of England. I once went along with the latter for a weekend,  - only happened once, never again.  Have never been on hol with my own bios and DH as they were late teens when we met and organise their own trips with friends or partners.  

bananaseedo's picture

Most of us have done a couple times and lived to regret it...it's like a right of passage in steplife ha!  My suggestion is avoid at all cost- but for the sake of trying to blend, try it-a short one...then you can say you tried.

Jcksjj's picture

I've been on one bigger trip and a couple little trips with skid and they were all awful. Like I never want to do it again but then going on trips with ODS before I met DH was my favorite thing every year so it sucks. Another thing I didnt realize would be so different having another kid with.

georgina29's picture

I highly recommend not vacationing with your Skids no matter what pressure your SO puts on you. Trust me. I know from experience. It will be tedious at best and a nightmare at it's worst. It is not like every day life with them but much worse.  It is much more expensive and they are worse behaved when vacationing because they are out of their comfort zone, are tired, hyper, anxious, etc. and also feel they need to fight for their bio parents attention constantly which can cause issues between the two of you. They will test you about buying things for them and doing things with them constantly and if you stand up and say no it can cause issues with your SO. Any behavorial issues they have (and they are very likely to have them on a trip) will test you and your SO who will also be expecting you to be in a great mood because you are on vacation when we all know it is not really a vacation, but the opposite. It is work. Plus you are with them nonstop because they don't have school or any activities to keep them busy. I'm not just saying this to be mean either. Vacations for the skids should be done with their bio parent not the step parent. Do yourself a favor and sit this one out. Better off take your own vacation seperately and keep your sanity.

Thisisnotus's picture

So far we have only done EVERYONE (sd16,sd12,dd16,dd14,dd12, shared dd1) and it's mostly just annoying. Disney was fine actually for the most part....but I love Disney so I can deal and I pretty much called the shots and did all the planning so Disney is a trip I can CONTROL so it's manageable. Anything else  is pure hell and torture and after this last trip we took altogether in June......never again.

My DH and I will vacation alone without any kids....but I've yet to see if he will vacation with shared baby who is 1 and no skids. If he declines that in a few  years from guilt....he just may be shown the door.  I know he won't vacation with me and my kids only so I don't even bother asking.......I would never ever not even for money go on vacation with just him and his kids.

Starting in 2020 I am planning to take my big kids on 1 vacay each year just me and them.....since my guilty daddy DH can't do a thing unless his kids are included.....but they get to go with BM all over the country.....so it's hardly "fair".

Doublehelix's picture

haha same here...I'm basically like a VIP tour guide leading trips through Disney lol

For all of you that can refuse to travel with your stepkids, I'm so jealous...I would love that. Like PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE just go on a daddy/daughter trip...why do I have to come??? I won't feel left out, I promise!! 

momjeans's picture

I’ve been on a couple with skid. The second vacation being with the in-laws as well and it was the absolute worst.

I vowed to never do it again. 

That said, I am not opposed to DH going on vacations with skid and his parents, because I know it would suck. 

momjeans's picture

Right!? 

I wore rose tinted glasses there for awhile. Live and learn and all that jazz. 

Mostthanklessjobever's picture

This past weekend was a short trip spent with my DH, SD18 and her friend.  I was miserable.  I had several moments of feeling like I was losing my mind.  It reminded me of how much being a SM has changed me.  I am so angry, bitter and down right ugly anymore.  I hate who I've allowed myself to become because of these step brats.  So I vote for no vacation with skids.  How is that even a vacation??

Jcksjj's picture

I feel the same... I hate feeling bitter all the time. I agree, it's not really a vacation but idk how I would justify not taking SD with if it's more of a family type vacation - we do an anniversary trip without the older 2 kids but I would like to be able to go with ODS sometimes without skid also. At least I got to with him before getting married I guess.

SteppedOut's picture

"At least I got to go with him before I got married."

WHAT?!

Really? Is giving up time with your children worth it? This sounds like it makes you very sad and disappointed. 

Is that how you want to spend your life? Sad and disappointed? Please don't. 

And don't leave your children wishing they had one more vacation with mom. 

Cover1W's picture

Vacations with skids are really, really hard.

Esp. when you have one who is PASd.  Let alone several years ago when they have no real-llfe skills like ordering off menus, saying 'thank you' to people in general, no sense of when to mess around or not (like don't do gymnastics in a busy airport waiting area), lack of hygiene, food issues so that no restaurant could possibly have food they would eat, freak out over having to do something THEY don't want to do, etc.  And then you get into the money issue with your SO - who pays for what?  How much?  Who gets a say in what you do? Hotel room for everyone or two rooms?  Expense of 'extras' for skids, etc. Oh, wait, that wasn't years ago that was in APRIL.

You have to think it through from the inception of the idea (i.e. what days do you have off?) to the very bitter end. 

I've had ONE truly fun vacation with skids, ok maybe two.  One when they were around 9 and 11 visiting my sister's family (still had some issues but was do-able) and the other with only SDthen12 last summer (no issues at all).

Jcksjj's picture

When we went to disney with SD she cried the whole time about her mom and so DH spent the entire vacation acting like it was just him and her there - he said she was worried she wasnt getting enough attention. Shes at freaking disney world and you're worried that shes upset about not getting enough attention?! It was especially rude since he didnt have to pay for much because it was at my family's timeshare.

caitlinj's picture

When your stepkids have no real life skills such as saying please, thank you,(thank you never crosses their minds unless they are reminded constantly), not interrupting adults and saying rude or cruel things, inability to order off a menu, inability to eat any food other than macaroni or breakfast food,  inability to eat with utensils, inability to eat without making a huge mess, inability to refrain from talking back,  inability to respect others, inability to be able to do something others want to do without throwing a tantrum and finally getting their way, inability to to share or compromise, punching, kicking and screaming when they don't agree with one another, inability to give parents privacy and respect their space to talk to one another, inability to respect their parents decisions, inability to withstand car rides longer than 10 minutes without acting crazy and needing constant entertainment, refusal to drink water unless it is bottled and a certian temperature, standing or kneeling on chairs at restaurants and other places, inability to wait in lines longer than 5 minutes without making a scene,  inability to not complain loudly and act crazy if food isn't out in five minutes at a sit down restaurant, inability to carry anything even if they are old enough to do so, inability to clean up after one's self,  on top of that complaining about everything and not appreciating it.

lieutenant_dad's picture

DH and I vacation once every other year and do day trips with the boys. The boys, especially YSS, don't like to travel or stay in hotels, so that makes it easy. OSS is involved in a lot of activities that involve travel, so he gets to go somewhere at least once a year (and usual somewhere big - this year was Disney; last year was Quebec). YSS has found a 2-week tech camp he wants to go to next year, so he'll go to that.

Every year we offer to take them somewhere. Every year they refuse. I like it this way because we all get to do what we want. It's probably more expensive than just taking one big trip, but I'm cool with it.

ESMOD's picture

We did a few trips a year with the skids.. sometimes both of them.. sometimes just one of them.. sometimes with friends included.  Mostly good experiences with a few hicups.  We still go on vacation with my 21 yo YSD.

Mountains's picture

DH wanted to take family vacation with both adult skids, spouses and gskids but I would not agree to paying for all expenses which was the expectation.  I suggested family vacations where all adults paid their fair share but was called awful things by SD.  Since we would not pay, they could not afford one or did not have the time.  Feels like I dodged a bullet.

SMto2's picture

This is where we are now. My DH wants to take oldest SS25, SDIL and his 2 SGDs on vacation with us and we pay for absolutely everything. It's embarrasing and almost disgusting to say that the past 3 years, we've done this and spent between $13K to $15K for a one week trip each year. I'm even more disappointed in myself to admit that, all 3 years, I cleaned up dishes after them and cooked for them, along with DH, to try to get a break from paying $200 for the group to go to dinner. I expect if I say I think SS should contribute to the vacation I'll get the same results you did. I'm seriously contemplating how I'm going to handle the next one to avoid feeling like I've been taken advantage of and worked as a domestic servant all of my vacation.

tog redux's picture

Our biggest issue was always BM trying to ruin any vacation we took SS on, usually successfully. When we took him on weekend trips she didn’t know about, it went well. 

Thumper's picture

I agree with tog. Some x's will disrupt vacations or events the ncp plans. Only YOU op, know what kind of bm you have.

You either plan epic vacations or play it safe with 1 or two nights that DO NOT require bm knowing until after the fact. 

 

 

 

 

ndc's picture

I've been on a few vacations with DH and the skids - a couple to the beach and one to Disney - and they weren't bad.  We had fun and the kids were reasonably well behaved.  However, a vacation with the skids is in no way comparable to a vacation for just DH and me, and I would be 100% opposed to having to take them on every vacation.  It'll be interesting to see, once DH and I have our own child, whether DH will be willing to go with our child but without the skids.  The skids go on vacation with BM, too (and she vacations plenty without them as well), so it's not like they're vacation-starved.  But the jury is still out on that one.

SMto2's picture

Your post reminds me of another thing I hated about vacations with SKs. My and DH's oldest DS is almost 6 years younger than the second youngest SS and is 7 1/2 years younger than the oldest SS. That means they NEVER wanted to do the same thing or play together. When we took them to a water park, I was left alone all day with my infant and then toddler while DH rode the water slides with SSs. When we took them to amusement parks, I was alone with my toddler in the "kiddie rides" section while DH took SSs to the older kids' rides. Name almost any activity (sport, board game, movie) and you get the same result. Me alone while DH entertained SKs. It made for a lot of misery that still hurts to remember to this day, although my oldest DS is 18 and SSs are 23 and 25.  The only solution I could think to this would be if DH and I had switched off some and I took SSs to ride some fun rides while he stayed with our baby, etc., and DH and I discussed this in later years when I expressed how awful these times were for me, although I don't think he really was willing to be away from SSs. And that solution still meant we could not be together as a family. Before you have children, you might think about how this dynamic might play out.

Jcksjj's picture

We havent been on a big vacation since the youngest 2 were born altogether but I'm pretty sure this would also be an issue for us since the age gap been older and younger is 8 years.

Even going on a smaller trip I was annoyed last summer because I had the baby but then he was wandering around the museum not watching the older kids because he assumes SD just always behaves - but she doesnt, she still runs off like a four year old in public so after awhile I started making him run after her every time instead of saying anything to her.

SMto2's picture

For all but the years that SSs were PAS'd out and stopped visiting, we've taken one or both on family vacations. They've ALWAYS sucked. When SSs were little, we could barely afford vacation, but what we did do was all about them, what they wanted to do, where they wanted to go, what they wanted to eat, basically a replay of their EOW visits. Now SSs are 23 and 25, and SS25 is married with 2 kids. DH insists on taking SS25, SDIL and 2 SGDs on vacation, and we pay for absolutely everything, all food, all souvenirs, all activities. Not only that, we've rented houses the past 3 years (one in Orlando when we went to Disney and the past 2 years at a beach) and DH and I have had to buy all groceries and cook for SS and his whole family if we wanted to avoid paying to take them out, plus clean up all dishes from the day, all while they watch us relaxing from the sofa. It has definitely left me resentful and miserable, especially this year, when I wanted to take my and DH's bio DS18 on a special trip, perhaps somewhere in Europe, to celebrate his turning 18 and graduating high school. Instead, my DH insisted on taking SS25 and his family on vacation with us, so we could not afford to take that large of a group (9 people including my DS18's gf) to Europe.. As a result, we rented another big beach house and paid to take the whole group what it would have cost to take my DS on a special trip. My SSs had each been to Europe TWICE by the age of 18 with BM. DH and I have never been and perhaps never will go. I don't know how we're going to do vacation next year, but I swear i will NOT rent another beach house with SKs. I have a year to think about it, but I'm certain I'm too old to wait on people half my age and not get paid! lol. 

markwvualum's picture

Why do you allow them to treat you this way? Quit funding them. If they can't afford a trip they shouldnt be taking one. 

StrawberryPie's picture

I've done the vacation w skids thing too.  0/10, would not recommend.  Unless, you have very low expectations about vacay w the skids and then you wont be disappointed.

markwvualum's picture

I highly suggest you do not take vacations with your stepkids. Leave their vacations up to their bio parents and them. It will be very expensive, you won't do anything remotely fun and you will be hit up for their expenses, which won't be cheap, for a trip you will not really enjoy much. I do not believe step parents should be paying for their stepkids things anyways. Stepkids also tend to be unappreciative towards their step parents for their contributions which will leave you resentful. Kids in general also tend not act the best on trips as they are usually tired, in a new place and out of their routine. If they go away with their bio parent instead it will give them time to be together anyways without you "being in the way" because that is how they will most likely make you feel. Treat yourself to a solo trip or take a vacation with you and your husband when bio mom has the kids. If you do decide to go on vacation with the stepkids set your expectations low and bring plenty of money. 

RisingtheWave80's picture

last year was the last time we were going to vacation with my SD. She makes every trip a nightmare for both of us, it's not just for me. Before she decided to stop coming to our home in May we had already booked our trips this summer without her. She wouldn't want to go anyways and she would have complained the whole time, refused to do anything with us, and in turn ruin the little bit of time we get each year to relax. I told DH last year that I am no longer bringing her on trips and if he wants to do something with her himself, he can. This worked out fine.

Swim_Mom's picture

Every summer we rent a big house by beach or lake. This way people can be together or apart, and we aren't all trying to get out the door to go somewhere nor stuck in hotel rooms. It has been SD20, DD19, DS18, DD14, SS14 and niece/nephew 13 (twins) every year (with their parents of couse, DH's sister and her husband), and one year also SD26 and SD23.  It used to be that I could only put up with SS14 if he's off with the cousin, but this year he was great (and I was trying to be more open minded). We had a really great vacation, and all the kids had a great time together.  This is probably the lowest stress vacation possible. 

Spring break is now only DD14 and SS14 and the college kids have a different spring break. DH has SS every other year (BM takes him no-where). We are going to do a carribean cruise in 2020 - cruises are great because you can separate from the kids and have adult time. 

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

It depends. When my skids were younger, I refused to go on trips with them. They were horribly behaved, DH had no control over them and gave in to their every whim, and he expected me to go along with their plans. So after the first time, I wished them all well and stayed home. In fact, I would often excuse myself from day trips for the same reason, to which DH would complain "but faaaaaamilllllyyyyyyyy". Sorry, DuH, I didn't create that effed up circus, I certainly wasn't going to entertain his ahole monkeys.

Now is a different story. SD18 has been going more with friends in recent years and is off at college, and SS14 alone is easier to handle. DH has started to see in recent years (despite frequent setbacks) how difficult his kids are and how shitty his oldest can be towards him. So he's more strict and somewhat gets why I need breaks from them.

We did a recent trip with SS and LOs, and it was actually fine. But, we had ground rules beforehand. LOs needed to be in bed at a reasonable hour, hence everyone not going to bed needed to be quiet in the room, or down in the hotel lobby by 9pm. (They usually go to bed by 8, but I extended for the vacation).  LOs needed some down time to rest in the middle of the day. So, DH and SS often went off to spend time together midday, and we regrouped late afternoon for more beach time and then dinner.  Did SS complain about the night time rule? Yes, but we managed, and fortunately DH told SS to quit whining  because there was plenty to do in the area (ice cream, mini golf, board walk, live music, movies on the beach). The only change I would make next time is to get two smaller rooms rather than one large suite - it would have been nice to watch tv at night after the LOs went to bed.

In the future, I know that we will have a lot of vacation with just LOs, given that SS is off to college in 3 years.

caitlinj's picture

I love how they always guilt us with the "family" line. What they do not understand is family goes both ways and since we are steps we are a step out. We have no say so nor control over decisions, parenting nor discpline. We also never created that mess and we were never allowed to help fix it either. That is not family. If the kids were acting disrespectfully or poorly I would step out only to be met with anger and hositility when I came back. But that did not seem fair. Not my creation and not my circus. If you want me to discpline that is one thing but you're not and you're doing nothing about it either so I shouldn't be expected to subject myself to that mess constantly.

Pregnantwithquestions's picture

We have done solo vacations just us two, as a family with stepkid and biokid, just stepkid and just biokid. They all present challenges (well, except when it is just us two!). The hardest thing is always (1) logistics with BM and making sure we schedule vacation time on our weekend or one of our summer weeks and (2) the age gap between the kids is large enough that their interests are wildly different and their needs are different. One is still a baby and one is elementary age and can entertain themselves some

Rags's picture

We took vacations together. For the most part. But.. there was only three of us.  DW, SS and I.

 

Bethany's picture

We took Sks EVERY year....even with their boyfriends. They would monitor if we had a drink, call bio mom, and it was pure hell. Not to mention, they were NOT apprecative of the vacation. I am now disengaged. Let them pay for their own vacation and cook, clean, plan trips.....for YEARS my vacation was basically THEIR vacation. No more.