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have you and your SO ever physically hurt each other?

rubia's picture

have you and your SO ever physically hurt each other?

stepmom008's picture

May I ask why you're asking this question? Has your SO done something to you? I don't want to pry, I'm just concerned anytime I see something like this.

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

belleboudeuse's picture

Good god, no. I was in a physically abusive relationship once. Never, ever again.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

rubia's picture

It has happened many times. Almost every time it has started with me hurting him first, but then he retaliates and he is much, much stronger than I am.

I am trying really really hard to manage my stress and anger.

Amazed's picture

One time I said I was leaving him and i was walking really fast out the door and he grabbed me really hard by the purse on my shoulder and jerked me backward. It was hard enough to make me fall backward on the kitchen floor...he proceeded to put his hand on my collarbone area to hold me there while he screamed in my face about how desperate I make him feel and how much he hates the reactions I make him have because he loves me so much and how I never want to listen to him when I'm done I just walk away to avoid having an outburst.

his screaming lasted for a few minutes and then I started crying and he realized he was scaring me and hurting me...he immediately calmed down and let me leave.

This incident happened 5 years ago

He has not hit me though.

____________________________________________________________________________
We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. ~Anaïs Nin

Wicked.Step.Monster's picture

Never. I had a brief abusive relationship and I learned a lot. If DH ever hit me his ass would be in jail and I would be long gone.

rubia's picture

I have been in therapy. And I just recently went back. I have a great therapist, but I have never talked about this. I only recently started talking about it at all. I was so ashames (still am). I told my mom, sister, and two friends. My mom and sister both think its not a big deal and see how much he loves me and how good is to me (he is most of the time- but as i'm sure you can relate to, when the kids are involved, he's a totally different person, and most arguments are related to the kids). Actually, if there were no kids, we'd have a really great marriage (not perfect of ocurse, but pretty good). And I know he loves me, but at the same time I wonder how he can hurt me so much (not just physically) if he really truly loves me. but i have hurt him too and still feel that i love him. do i sound like an idiot. i was a social worker for god's sakes. i know this is a very bad situation, but i also know i'm not ready to leave him. when the kids aren't around and even a lot of the time when they are, we are great together, make each other laugh, and just love each other so much. i guess thats why i never talked to the therapist about it- because im sure she'll encourage me to leave. my 2 friends that i told were very concerned. they are both social workers too and are both divorced. my mom and my sister are both married but not that happily.

rubia's picture

i have very limited support, but have been seeking out new sources of support so i have more than i used to.

DISbelief's picture

I was in an abusive marriage. It started with him getting in my face and screaming. He would follow me around the house yelling at me. Then it went to grabbing me by the arm or pinning me to a wall. It just got worse from there. Slamming my head in to walls, stepping on me after throwing me on the floor. He NEVER left bruises or marks, but I can assure you he was hurting me. He, being 6 ft tall 250 pounds, and me 5 ft 7 110 lbs soaking wet. I had no defense. I would literally curl up in the fetal position and just wait for it to be over. He went to counseling once, anger management. He didn't stick with it though, so it really did no good.

His was also a drinking problem. He only acted this way when he was drunk, and the longer I let it happen, the worse the drinking got, the worse the drinking got... the more physical the fights got.

The night I finally kicked him out, I actually feared for my life. We had already decided to get divorced. But were waiting for the money to come in for him to move out. Our girls were home, he was drunk... he was mad because I would not "swing" with another couple (yes, he still asked even though we were getting a divorce). That was hands down, the worst night of my life. My kids were so little, that they don't remember (THANK GOD) but they were scared at the time. I was screaming out the back door for help, we lived on acreage, no one heard me... somehow I got a hold of the phone and was able to hit the speed dial for his mom. She lived up the street. He grabbed the phone out of my hand before I could say anything, and threw it across the room. It didn't disconnect. His mom heard me screaming for help and was at our door within what felt like seconds. She probably saved my life.

This is a sensitive subject for me.

I am sorry you are going through this. Have you talked to him (during a calm moment) about going to counseling together? Physical arguements are not normal or healthy.

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ Wink

MarriedwithChild's picture

I can relate, Disbelief. My late husband was a ceo with a major corporation but had a darkside to him behind closed doors.
I am 110 lbs. and late dh was 6 feet at 250 lbs.
He would come home and take it all out on me. I would "try" to leave the room but he would follow me, yelling and pushing, punching,slapping, even busted my head against the wall and a flower pot.

Funny thing is, as soon as I was about to come out with it all to all of his "fans", (after he literally ran into me like a football player injuring my arm badly) I found him dead on the floor a week later of an accidental O.D.

This is no lie. Karma can be a total bitch.

My current DH is the total opposite. It took me a long time to be able to adjust.

DISbelief's picture

I just got the chills reading that. WOW.

My DH now is the opposite as well. In fact, I think that WAS one of our biggest issues a few years back... in the sense that he doesn't SCREAM when he is mad. So I had to find a whole new way to communicate. It was a learning process. Thank GOODNESS though, I couldn't have gone through another relationship like the first one.

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ Wink

MarriedwithChild's picture

Me too. I was like,"Is this guy for real?", at first. (actually still am) It's nice to enjoy sex for once in my life...

It takes time to heal from that type of major trauma. In my case, nobody would have believed me because he was "the greatest" Yeah right.

Pills Kill. Pot does not. (TM)

DISbelief's picture

Ha, know what you mean about enjoying sex! It's hard to enjoy anything with a man that throws you around like a rag doll.

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ Wink

MarriedwithChild's picture

Correct.
It was not the chemo that killed him, it was the MASSIVE amount of pain meds (legal?)that did him in finally.
Many pain meds alter a persons personality completely.Off the meds (which he was clean for over two years)he was a different man.I tried to get him to change over to medical marijuana (permit in CA.)but he did not "like" it...the pills gave him a bigger high. I've lost a few to accidental O.D's over the years and all were due to legal pain pills.:-(

Now, looking back after PTSD therapy, I KNOW that if anyone REALLY loves you, they will NEVER hurt you. Anybody who states otherwise is merely defending themselves. And no, they rarely change so if you are being abused- get out, period!!!

Best,
MWC

Purpleflower09's picture

My DH doesn't have a mean bone in his body...except for his stupidity sometimes..lol..but he has never hit me or called me a name..he knows better. If he ever did he knows I would fight back and not stop.

" Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it's still dark"-R.Tagore

JustAnotherSM's picture

Never. DH threatened to punch me in the head once when we were arguing about BM (talk about misplaced anger!). I almost walked out the door. Instead, I found this website.

Rags's picture

I broke my wife's nose once. I elbowed her accross the face. The SNAP was loud and made me sick to my stomach. We were in bed, she was doing her nightly chick face prep thing and I was laying next to her with my hands behind my head. I decided to sit up quickly to give her a kiss at the same time she decided to lay down and give me a kiss. My elbow caught the side of her nose. She ended up looking like a racoon for a week or two from the black eyes and bruising.

Now when she is getting snarky with me I will ask her "remember the nose?" She smacks the crap out of me and we both laugh.

My son (SS) and I also messed up her knee once. We were all three on the sofa watching a movie when the kid got up for some reason. I grabbed the back of his pants and pulled he back down on the couch. I was just goofing off. He sat directly on the side of his Mom's knee when she had her feet up on an otoman. Another SNAP an once again I got sick to my stomach.

The last injury was when she twisted her ankle severly when bringing the Skids TV down stairs from his room when she was confiscating it for some infraction. That one resulted in our Doctor calling me in for an "interview" because he was concerned my wife was a battered woman. We both had to convince him not to call the police and that the incidents were just accidents. I finally told him to call the police so that he would see neither of us was avoiding speaking with a police officer about the incident(s).

She most certainly was battered and bruised. Not on purpose mind you but she was most definately battered and bruised.

HELL NO we have never purposely hurt each other. Occassionally things will get a little rambunctious whe we are goofing off and one of the other of us will get hurt. But no violence has ever occured between us.

Best Regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

belleboudeuse's picture

Wow, Rags -- I will have to tell DH this story. He is always SUPER, SUPER careful to move really slowly in bed and in the shower with me. He always says, "I'm so afraid I'm gonna hurt you!" I kind of make fun of him for it, but this is perfect proof that he's got the right idea.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

Rags's picture

BB,

My wife is nearly 6'0" tall and the oldest of 4 kids. She has two younger brothers and the youngest is a sister. She grew up on a farm rough housing with here brothers.

She will every once in a while initiate a wrestling match with our son (17yo 6'1" 200lbs or I 6'1" 250lbs) and does a pretty good job of kicking our butts. Of course we try to be as gentle as we can when she is in her Amazon Warrior woman mode. Rough housing can be kind of fun occasionally. The only problem is the Skid. When you tickle him he flops around rather violently and someone invariably ends up getting hurt.

Interestingly she is a very feminine lady who is way in to being A woman. Her sibs and her parents are the type that look like they fell off of the turnip truck.

She does not fit it all that well with her family. They all tend to treat her like the idiot city relative. The pinnacle of this occurred when we flew to her hometown for her brother's wedding. It was during a God awful ice storm. Our flight from DFW to Portland got canceled when we were on the plane from Austin to DFW. We re-booked on the last flight to leave DFW to the Pac NW. We had to fly to Seattle, rent a car and drive treacherous icy roads to a small town near Salem OR to make the wedding. Our bags did not make the changed flights so we had to run in to a mall in Salem and get clothes for a week. We spent $1000.00 in an hour of power shopping on clothes, shoes and make-up for my wife, son and I. (the make-up really highlighted my awesome green eyes). :O

My wifes younger sister and future SIL met us in the mall and scowered at us the whole time we were shopping. We ran to the hotel to shower and change and make it to the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. We walked in to the church in appropriate attire (a few minutes late). When we walked in the church everyone went quiet. Here we were in slacks, shirts dress shoes, etc surrounded by about 30 farmers who had left the barns/fields/dairy/etc in their animal excrement covered work clothes. They all stood there slack jawed looking at us like we were the freaks. It was an F-in wedding rehearsal for God sake. The dinner after was even more fun.

I think your husband's perspective is a good one. Treat the lady of the house like the precious flower that she is. Until of course she ambushes you from behind with a top rope full suplex atomic drop (whatever the hell that is). Then all you can do is protect yourself the best that you can. :O

Sorry for the rambling response. I kind of went off on a few tangents.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

rubia's picture

It is not nearly as bad as some of those stories (I know that doesn't make it OK, though), and there have been other times when it WAS pretty bad.

He used to have a drinking problem while he was married to BM, and got drunk a few times when we were first together and I made it very clear I wasn't going to be with someone who gets drunk all the time. In the past 3 years, he got drunk and disappeared 2 times, I think. Other than that, he almost never drinks. Once in awhile, he'll have one drink. Very, very rarely.

NachoMama's picture

He has never put his hands on me....he has acted like it though and I think it pisses him off that I just stand there DARING him to lay a hand on me! I was in an abusive relationship before and I would go blow for blow with the guy(and he was a BIG guy...I didn't care)....I refused to back down to him or anyone! We did have an incident where he pissed me off in the car.....then has been so long ago I can't even remember what we were fighting about but I kicked the windshield out of his car. STUPID STUPID STUPID.....but we don't physically fight. We don't really fight that much at all anymore.....we do bicker though. He does things to purposely annoy the crap out of me....I can't figure that out because he knows how hotheaded I am....but apparently he likes to bring out the b**** in me every now and then. Maybe it turns him on in some sick way! HAHA }:)

****I can do bad all by myself****

mombydefault's picture

My DH has never physically hurt me nor would he. I escaped an abusive previous marriage and will NEVER let myself go through that again. I'm a totally different person because of the hell that I lived through and escaped. Don't stay if you're being abused. It's hard to leave, but you need to if you're being hurt. It took a lot for me to leave, but I am so glad I did.

leladawn's picture

I was in an abusive relationship for 2 1/2 years after my marriage ended. one time after we had a fight and I stormed out of the house my SO grabbed me and pulled me back in, then slammed me up against the corner and pushed me back down onto the floor every time I tried to get up. He then held me down for 4 hours, smothering/strangling me until I was (close to?) in and out of consciousness, telling me that he was going to kill me that night. I stayed with that man for a year and a half after that.

He used to hit me, and I got a couple of hits back on a couple of occasions. I'm fairly small though, and he was a big guy.. This is such a hard thing, I'm sorry you're going through this. While its not okay for you to get physical, its most definitely not okay for him to turn around and retaliate. There's a difference between defending himself, and then getting the necessary help that you both need for your relationship, and retaliating with full force.

"You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses." Ziggy

Rags's picture

I would like to state unequivocally that any type of violence between spouses or SOs is intolerable and should never happen. Ever.

Roughhousing and wrestling playfully is one thing. Anger induced striking of any kind is unacceptable.

In my first marriage I put my fist through the wall during a fight with my wife one time. I caught the edge of a wall stud and broke a finger. I never struck my XW nor she me. I have never lost my temper with anyone again.

If there is violence in your marriage ........ get help or get out.

IMHO of course.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)