Christmas present ideas
So I just saw a post on Facebook where someone was asking what people thought of divorced parents splitting the cost of gifts for Christmas. She was thinking of putting it on layaway and having them both make payments to avoid the kids getting doubles of things, etc.
Another person commented that they have every other year with the kids on Christmas so whoever's year it is is who they get presents from.
I think both of these are good ideas because the amount of presents SD gets is absolutely insane and shes so unbelievably spoiled that buying her anything is basically like lighting money on fire because she either doesnt care about it because she gets so much or mommy immediately buys her a "better" version of it and she wont touch whatever we bought.
To clarify on the second one,
To clarify on the second one, she said she still gets them smaller gifts still on the years she doesn't have them on christmas, but big gift is only on christmases.
I don't like the idea of
I don't like the idea of buying presents "together".. My DH's EX always was on him to get money so that she could give the girls a big gift haul... of course with the gifts handed out by her.. so she could take the credit. No thanks.
I don't think both households need to go full on hog.. but they should buy what they can afford.. and it should be reasonable given the expectation that the child is also going to be getting gifts from their other bio parent.
I guess I could see when the child is older and really big ticket items are on the list.. like a computer etc.. maybe then each parent could give the child money towards something like that.
No the first idea would only
No the first idea would only work for certain families that can cooperate. But it might be an option for some. It wouldn't work for us either.
What you said about the expectation that the child is going to be getting gifts from the other parent is really what I got out of those ideas that I like. DH and MIL have the attitude that if it didnt happen at our house it's not real so we need to do everything for SD/buy her everything if BM already did. I dont agree that we have to double absolutely everything because from her POV what happens at her moms is just as much a part of her life as what happens at ours and she views it in total. So for example from MILs POV when both us and BM throw SD a bday party, SD got one party. From SDs POV she had 2 birthdays.
I definitely wouldn't be
I definitely wouldn't be throwing two PARTIES for a birthday.. but a nice birthday dinner with different parents.. and a cake at each house... I don't think that's out of line.
Absolutely, parents don't need to double up with gifts. I mean, it's likely that the kids will end up with a little bit more in total, but unless things absolutely can't change houses.. no need to buy duplicates.
In my family, Christmas was a
In my family, Christmas was a time of family gathering and meals.
There were small gifts, but nobody was getting crazy stuff.
I think children would benefit to be excited for christmas because of family, and less so because of gifts.
- To answer your question, I wouldn't pony money just for "big things", period.
The sheer amount of crap that
The sheer amount of crap that my kids get is insane because we have so much extended family. And SD gets essentially double that. It's not necessarily expensive stuff, but the volume of it is ridiculous. SD got a total of around 50 gifts last year for xmas. And the really crazy thing is MIL still buys just her (out of 9 grandkids) an expensive one because she insists shes deprived.
One year, BM gave DH a list,
One year, BM gave DH a list, then tried telling him what to buy on said list. Yeah, that did not work.
DH always got her what he felt like getting her (and what he could afford) and if it was something BM also got for her, oh well. She could leave it at our house for when she was there. He never went overboard, so that was not an issue.
My understanding on the first
My understanding on the first one is that the parents coparented well and would be able to agree on it. It would definitely be an issue with the HCGUBMs.
Separate Houses
My OSD never had any issues on what to get she asked for gifts cards and cash straight out, YSD's BM always told us the gifts at our house remained there and same as hers. So we never coordinated any gifts and still dont. We buy what we can afford and think she would like and if she ends up with doubles, OH WELL, either return it or keep it at each house. Bday party have always been separated for YSD, never joint event.
Why would you want to deal with a HCGUBM
No go in together with BM on gifts. No reason to deal with her. What ever the SK get as a gift that what they get. They are not going to like anything anyway. Unless a gaming system or smart phone.
I wouldnt do the first one
I wouldnt do the first one personally but I think it's not a bad idea in less high conflict situations.
I like the buying SD less gifts if shes at BMs that year for xmas. Like you said they dont appreciate gifts anyway.
It is the exceptionally rare
It is the exceptionally rare blended family situation where this would work.
We never would have considered this when SS-27 was under the Custody/Visitation/Support CO. The SpermClan never bought him gifts other than ones they knew we would not tolerate in our home. In fact they never bought him a single gift until he was in his mid teens. Then it was GameBoys or some other small portable gaming system. When he was in 6th grade we purged all game systems from our home. As with so many kids he was obsessed and incapable of using his own imagination, focusing on the real world, or being engaged with real life. So, we got rid of his PS-4. Not a popular move but... it is what we felt we had to do to keep him engaged in life.
His SpermIdiot was completely buried in video games and still is. When SS was on SpermLand visitation on the rare occas sion when he did see his SpermIdiot it was always with his nose buried in a video game. Interestingly when he moved into his later teens he would walk out of the SpermIdiot's home and have SpermGrandHag pick him up because the SpermIdiot would not engage with SS or the other three also out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawn by two other baby mamas. There were any number of times that this happened and not once did the SpermIdiot realize that SS had left his home.
Not that purging games from our home was not without tension and drama. He railed against that decision and was rather belligerent about it. We told him that though we understood that it was upsetting to him that he would never remember a single gaming session he ever had but would remember countless family activities (Camping, hiking, boating, concerts, etc, etc, etc....)
I make it a point to ask him about his fondest memories upon occas sion. Not one mention of video games. So, as the smart assed dad that I am I remind him of the the conversation about memories that we had when we purged gaming systems from our home.
He harrumphs and glares at me,,, then gives me a wink.
It is likely one of the best parenting moves we ever made.
My SD3 gets gifts weekly from
My SD3 gets gifts weekly from Grammy and BM. So anything that we try to surprise her with its either been done already... there is no excitement...or is there more? Where is the rest? Its sickening.
So we do a couple of small things at christmas & her birthday and a somewhat big gift for each. Keeps it simple & inexpensive at least for now. MY SO and BM haven't talked in months I couldn't ever imagine them working together on gifts....that seems to be SO's mother and BM's "thing".
last year we completed our
last year we completed our shopping early and supplied a list to BM of what we purchased. What pissed us off was that we ALL agreed no Apple Airpods and we purchased a $100 pair of JBL wireless headphones for her, BM then went and bought her the Airpods. So I am sure our purchase is living at the bottom of a pile at her mothers house right now. As it goes this year I dont think there will be ANY gifts as she is still refusing to be in our home and she passed up DH's request to do something for her b-day last month.
None of us remember what we
None of us remember what we got for xmas when we were 10, but we remember who we saw and what we did. Christmas isn't supposed to be about greed.
Give her an experience. Memories are something that can't be duplicated or taken away.
OMG I can't even imagine.
OMG I can't even imagine. There is no way in HELL that we would ever give a dime toward shared gifts. BM's Christmas is hers....Our Christmas is ours....if by chance we buy the same gifts for skids that BM does...oh well then they have doubles.
We don't give a rats what BM buys or if she spends $50 on skids or $5000 on skids....we buy what we want....we don't tell her...don't ask her....wouldn't even answer her question if she asked what we bought....same goes with my Ex....this is now 2 separate families with absolutely ZERO connection when it comes to Christmas.
We do our own Birthday's as well, again because we are 2 separate families. There will never be a day in my life (unless DH wants to end up divorced) that we will SHARE any cost with BM as a joint effot on a gift for any occcasion.