Thoughts about Bio Parents Disengaging?
Long story short. My SO has three OUT OF CONTROL girls. I mean they are out of control. They have NEVER had any rules, punishments, just abolutely NOTHING. The BM doesn't care and the girls are getting into some serious trouble. BUT the girls have been like this way before my SO and BM divorced. I blame BOTH of them for their lack of parenting and discipline.
So I come into the picture. I have my own bio kids and trust me they are NOT angels but let me tell you, they do not and would not do the things these girls do. Because God help them if they did. They know if they mess up then there is a consequence for their actions. My ex and I are on the same page so if they are punished at my house, the punsihment still stands at his house too and vice versa and it is working out great. My SO's girls are getting into more and more trouble such as their lying, stealing, cursing, total disrespect, sending pictures of themselves in their panties and bras to guys via their phone (their mother got the phone and yet she got her phone taken away but got a brand new one for her birthday...YAY!) Since being with my SO I have pushed him to get involved and freakin punish his girls when they need it.
Well the eldest refuses to come over (she only lives a half mile down the street), HER CHOICE and when she does it's only cause she wants money or something and only texts if she wants money (she didn't even text her dad and ask if he was okay in the hospital), but she sure did when she needed money for braces. The middle one is just like her sister and out of control (actually getting worse then her older sister.) The youngest is young and I feel there is hope for her if structure was in her life.
My SO wants to temporarily disengage from the two trouble makeers. Not financially or totally not seeing them just until they can get their act together or they get the therapy they need (or jail time if you ask me.) He wants things to stay the same for the youngest (i.e. visitation). The middle girl is having a HUGE meltdown and temper tantrum because she is finally being punished for something she did which she was warned about THREE times. So she won't talk to SO, or anything.
So I was wondering what others thought about Bio Parents TEMPORARILY disengaging???
Personally I need a break from these two girls. They are to the point of driving to me have a nervous breakdown, but the other half says "tough" bring her ass over and ENFORCE her punishment while she is here. The BM thinks we shouldn't "force" her to come over if she doesn't want to.
BTW...so much for the long
BTW...so much for the long story short. SORRY! :O
I need to "read" this over
I need to "read" this over again but had to say how much I love your "personal" inserts.
With girls, it is an in your
With girls, it is an in your face battle of wills. I don't think leaving the children to themselves is going to do anything but give them more time to act up. I raised 3 girls who are 21, 19 and 18 and we had our WARs. You just have to choose what lines can't be crossed and stick to it.
It's different from disengaging from the skids because they are not your responsibily. The parents have to raise their kids and not quit on them. I know it is tiring! I can tell you it is temporary and they can grow up to be wonderful friends, but you have to call them on their bad behavior. You have to be the rock (or DH).
Just fill up your self esteem tank and BELIEVE you can do it. Take the phones. When they earn them back with respectful behavior, then you can think about it. Get them where it hurts the most...FRIENDS, facebook....They will soon figure out whether you mean it or if you're just kiddin. Dad's gotta man up for this one, he's been letting women run all over him for years. Time to stop. He's the king of that castle and he needs to act like it. Good luck with your kids.
AWESOME ADVICE!!! Thank
AWESOME ADVICE!!! Thank You!!!
my husband disengaged 6 years
my husband disengaged 6 years ago w/two oldest daughters and they did w/him as well (decided they didnt want to be decent so werent welcome)....its very hard to come back from...now there are g-kids in the picture and relationship is uncomfortable and strained...so he misses out a lot.
Last year, when they treated
Last year, when they treated him like crap, we saw SD15 for Christmas (gifts anyone?) & SD13 for her birthday & for Christmas...other than that, they called him to yell at him, curse him out over whatever & then to put a great stamp of whoop in, threatened him (yeah...medically retired USMC...did NOT take that well!)
DF decided that he was done with the games that SD15 & SD13 play. He told them that he loves them & misses them but that he is no longer the person to throw last second rides on when BM won't do it, he is no longer the person who is going to give them money just because they think they deserve it. He told them that he is not just someone to call when they WANT something. He is NOT the one to call when they want to be nasty & make threats.
He does what he HAS to do as a father...he supports them. Other than that, extra's are just that. He has told both of them that if they want extra stuff, they will have to start treating him with respect.
They have both visited once each & there was no drama...we have promises for vists next month...we shall see.
Either way, the visits were peaceful, they didn't even try their regular crap & DF was very happy about that.
He isn't "disengaging" really, just taking away the extra's until he feels like they deserve it...
The bio parents have an
The bio parents have an obligation to the children. When a parent disengages from a bio child it doesn't always send the right message. Your situation is familiar to me.....22 years as stepmom, husband had custody of his sons who had no rules, no disapline, bio mom became like a long lost aunt, boys could do no wrong in bio parent's eyes yet they were stealing, setting fires, lying and never confronted or punished for any of it. Inlaws were just as bad at prtecting the boys, they loved them and had a bond that I did not have.
I too tried to get husband more involved, we spent hours talking with nothing but hard feelings as he still would not step to the plate as a parent. I actually was the one raising them. I finally had to pick my battles.
In your case it really sounds like husband needs to wake up and take a position in his daughters' lives, a role as parent/father and not holiday daddy who is willing to give a present and then send them on their merry way to do anything they wish as long as he doesn't have to get involved.
Ideally, it sounds like the family needs counseling but if your husband and his ex are like mine that probably won't happen. As the kids get older, none of this will get better if one of the parents does not pull their head out of their behinds. I wish you lots of luck!